Hi all! 25year old male here. Married to my 25 year old wife for 5 years now. We have 3 wonderful kids.

I feel that after our first child my wife has gone down hill on her sexual expression. Or physical expression for that matter. She never hugs or kisses me. Unless it's a habit hugg/kiss. (leaving out of town, stuff like that). It's never a out of the blue kiss or hug. Which I still do to her all the time. But never seem to get them back..

I feel like I have to twist her arm into sex... This was between kid 1 and kid 2. We haven't had sex at all since she got pregnant with kid 3. Which makes it around 1.5 years we haven't done anything. Part of the reason is cause we do not want 4 kids and we cannot afford for me to get cut. BUT that doesn't mean we can't do oral. Which I have been rejected over and over. (too tired, headache, blablabla excuses excuses).

Honestly I work just as hard as she does. With cleaning, kids, and work. I still at the end of the day, lust after her, but get nothing in return. I feel like she is just being lazy with affection and sex. She is always too tired to do anything yet, not tired enough to watch TV for 2 hours before bed?...

She used to use sex to get what she wanted... (maybe if you did this or that more, I would want it more..) over and over she would come up with something new...

I tried looking up stuff about this problem, but most of the stuff seemed really one sided (written by a female) and basicaly says its all my fault (don't do this or that for my wife enough, blablabla) I feel like this is placing blame on the me.

Anyways, i'm ranting on.. Mostly just to vent... I am 25 years old!!! I am in my sexual prime! I feel like I am going to resent her in the years to come.

I am sure I will get flamed by some of you women, but please relize I work/take care of kids/ect. just as much as she does!

--Daniel

Hey Daniel, welcome to marriage builders…. Please take the time to read through the basic concepts on this site.

“””I feel that after our first child my wife has gone down hill on her sexual expression.”””

That happen a lot.

“””She never hugs or kisses me.”””

Is that truly accurate, you know the “never” part? Never, Always, and Why are three good words to remove from your vocabulary. They very seldom will aid in effectively communicating with our spouses.

“””We haven't had sex at all since she got pregnant with kid 3. Which makes it around 1.5 years we haven't done anything. Part of the reason is cause we do not want 4 kids and we cannot afford for me to get cut.”””

And the reason you can’t operate a condom is? Or why she can’t go on the pill?

“””BUT that doesn't mean we can't do oral.”””

Many women have a strong aversion to oral and that doesn’t make them wrong, just different.

“””I tried looking up stuff about this problem, but most of the stuff seemed really one sided (written by a female) and basicaly says its all my fault (don't do this or that for my wife enough, blablabla) I feel like this is placing blame on the me.”””

Well then I don’t think you are going to like any of these sites…. While it’s not in the Marriage Builder principles to “place blame on you”, it is in the principles to be responsible for your actions and realize that you can only control you. You are going to find out that the 1st step is for you to eliminate ALL love busters and the 2nd step will be to identify and meet all your wife’s emotional needs. It’s obvious from your posting that she is lacking meeting your needs for affection and sexual fulfillment, however, you can’t control her meeting your needs. So what are her needs and what ones are you not meeting. If you get her to a place where she has a full love bank, my guess is that she will be more willing to meet needs BUT that doesn’t mean that she’ll do things that she thinks are gross (which may mean oral). Under the basic concepts you are going to see Questionnaire’s… Pay particular attention to the “Emotional Needs” one and the “Love Busters” one… Print them out and fill them out for yourself. Then you can discuss them with your wife and ask her if she’d like to fill some out so that you can better meet her needs.

Yes I mean never... she never holds hands/hugs/kisses/tells me she loves me/cuddles unless it's a habit or just a given type of situation...
Like on the phone (OK BYE, love you.. click) or maybe new years.. I will get a kiss.. Or when saying good bye when going out of town.. blablabla..

Really she NEVER does any of those things. Now if I initiate it, she will respond. But I always always always have to initiate it. Not talking about sex here either, just simple affection.

... back to the sex thing.. yes we could use a condom.. but we 100% do not want a 4th child. and condoms are not 100%... she cannot get on the pill due to high blood presure. no doc will put her on it... We do not want to get an IUD for personal reasons I will not go into here. Getting cut is the only option really...

With the oral situation, I really feel that if she wanted to make me happy it wouldn't be a gross situation. She has never said it was gross, just treated it like a chore or something... It's all we have right now, and she rejects me all the time. And yes I mean ALL the time. I haven't gotten a BJ or ANYTHING in over 1.5 years. And belive me I have tried... She is totaly rejecting and neglecting me.

I understand about the love busters... but it is REALLY hard to put on a show and wine and dine her after this long of neglect... I really feel like she is using sex against me to get her way.

I know I will most likely have to be the one that does something about it. I just feel that if I give in and wine and dine and go overboard just to get a little affection out of her I will hate her for it. I would really her rather meet me in the middle.

I have talked to her about this, she agrees that she has a problem and she will work on it. But she doesn't work on it. I still get rejected, I still get neglected. VERY FRUSTRATING...

--D

“””she never holds hands/hugs/kisses/tells me she loves me/cuddles unless it's a habit or just a given type of situation...”””

OK, so what you are saying is that she does it, just not in the way that makes you feel loved or frequently enough? Have you read The 5 Languages of Love? If not, pick it up and read about it. She obviously has difficulty speaking your love language and from what you’ve presented I’m ASSuming that you are not speaking hers either.

I mean cutting to the bottom line, happy people who feel loved are eager to return that love. While you are busy throwing your pity party over here don’t overlook the fact that she may be throwing the exact same party for different reasons.

“””Getting cut is the only option really...”””

OK, well you’ve known that you were going to need cut for 1.5 years, so why hasn’t it happened and what is your plan to “Get ‘er Did”?

”””With the oral situation, I really feel that if she wanted to make me happy it wouldn't be a gross situation.”””

Do you really and truly believe what you just typed? If so, then I’m telling you straight up, you got issues… If it’s gross to her whether that revelation happened a year ago or ten years ago, then it’s gross it doesn’t matter, it’s gross. Heck I could say, if you truly wanted to make her happy you wouldn’t ask her to do it…. And PS, your wife does not have the POWER to make you happy.

“””She has never said it was gross, just treated it like a chore or something...”””

And that’s what you want… A chore job…. That’s going to make you happy? Why not try building a loving marriage to draw happiness from? What you are talking about is a symptom, not the problem. The problem (your marriage) will not be fixed with a chore hummer…

“””It's all we have right now, and she rejects me all the time. I haven't gotten a BJ or ANYTHING in over 1.5 years. And belive me I have tried... She is totaly rejecting and neglecting me.”””

Well, I did ride the short bus a time or two but I got to tell you… If’n you’ve constantly been rejected then I draw two conclusions:

1. She’s obviously not “happy” in the relationship
2. You need to refocus on you marriage rather than a BJ

”””I understand about the love busters... but it is REALLY hard to put on a show and wine and dine her after this long of neglect...”””

Really, and you say you understand love busters? Love Busters is simply you controlling your negative behavior, are you implying that you are unable to do so?

“””I really feel like she is using sex against me to get her way.”””

To get her way in what?

”””I know I will most likely have to be the one that does something about it.”””

Well you are the only one who can do anything about your actions and she’s the only one who can do anything about hers.

“””I just feel that if I give in and wine and dine and go overboard just to get a little affection out of her I will hate her for it. I would really her rather meet me in the middle.”””

First off, hatred just like love is a choice… Secondly, please describe what the middle looks like…

”””I have talked to her about this, she agrees that she has a problem and she will work on it.”””

And how are your communication skills? I ask this honestly, what reading have you done in the area of effective listening and conflict resolution?

Can you use a condom until you can afford a vasectomy? I don't blame your wife. With 3 kids at 25, I think I would lose interest in sex real quick.

I feel for you, look at a couple of my posts from similar topics....we are going through sort of the same things.

I think unfortunately with women, their minds change about sex once they start getting older and having children. They no longer see themselves as "sexy" or "wild and free" They think about someone walking in on them, having to do the dishes, or stuff like that. Atleast that is what changed in my wife....then ADD onto that Anti-depressants (probably for these same issues/feelings) and birth control.

I definately understand what women go though and why they want to stop the passion. The bad part is we as men DON'T change...we still view them the same way, we still want to make love to them. Its funny, people say that women want romance and passion....i think i have learned at the end of the day MEN actually need and wants these things more than A LOT of women do.

My advice, besides pray for you and others like us. Make her feel as GREAT as possible about herself, let her know you still find her sexy and want her BIGTIME. Then, help her out around the house as much as you can (which i am sure you do) After you establish these, YOU NEED TO MAKE HER AWARE OF YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR NEEDS AND FORCE HER TO WORK ON THEM WITH YOU!!! Counseling is a good way to let her know you are serious and aren't gonna stop seeking answers until this problem is solved.

Then, we just pray that this works for the BOTH of us. Like i stated in my first counseling session with my wife, i signed up for a marriage, i didn't sign up to simply be a nanny/accountant. I still need her and need to be loved.

Statistically, when you have this many children this close together, there is a drop in the woman's hormone levels and she biologically may desire less sex. Have you checked into the cost of a vasectomy. There may be programs in your city that can help you with this.

You need to read a lot on this site.

It appears that your wife and you may both have some unmet emotional needs. You would be smart to figure out what they are and try to meet them. If you meet more of her needs, she can meet more of yours.