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Throughout each and every post that deals with an affair, I read excuses, justifications, reasons, etc. that justify this behavior.
I realize this forum is all about saving a marriage...so here is my question: If you really cared about saving your marriage, why do blame your spouse for your selfishness; your disregard for your family; your recklessness; and the pain you caused him or her?
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exactly who are you talking to?
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hmm, most people here recovering their marriage are past the blame.
I was selfish, I did disregard my family, I was reckless and I cause my husband enough pain he eventually left me for another woman.
None of this was his fault (cept his actions later)
And here we are - MARRIAGE saved...
What's your real question here kinger?
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Exactly which posts have you been reading?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I think you have the cart before the horse. I don't believe that most WS truly want to save the marriage until recovery begins and then they probably care very much about the selfishness, etc. MB is about the BS wanting to save the marriage in spite of all those things and try to bring the WS to recovery. I am not sure where your criticism is coming from but I think you are missing the mark a bit.
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moveforward: I am not talking to anyone particular
dorry: your post was great.
I am sorry if my question was no clear.
I will ask another: Do people believe that their cheating was justified?
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You won't find hardly ANYONE on this board that believes that Kinger
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Do people believe that their cheating was justified? WS's do. But when they go back to S's, fully recovered, I would hope the answer is no. During an affair they have to believe it--most anyway--if not, how could they live with themselves?
BW-me, 29
XH, 29
3 sons-now 6,4,2
Divorce final--Sept. 27, 2006.
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It took me months past d-day to get to a point where I felt it wasn't justified.
Justification takes the blame of yourself, as blaming yourself is pain....it takes along time to be able to look at yourself and accept the pain and blame...
It doesn't happen overnight...
Recovery truly begins when the justifcations end.
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there is no justifications, reasons ect for cheating unless you have been abdubcted by aleins.
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kinger - I hope you will stay around and read here for awhile. When I first started here - 3 years ago, I thought the folks here were feather-plucking insane.
But as you read here, you will see that the cheaters all say and do the same things. It is very predictable.
Marriagebuilders has a plan to make it through infidelity, and have a happy life, whether the marriage is recovered or not.
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piojitos: I do not wish to criticize anyone.
I thank you for your post. You dropped the foundation to the answer I suspected.
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believer: I am going to hang for a while.
bigkahuna: I am not sure what you mean?
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kinger,
Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, you are missing a great opportunity. I got the book quite by "accident". Oddly enough I never connected that book to this website. Maybe it is on the jacket. I don't read jackets. I came to this web site months later.
I will tell you that I am 11 months into Plan A and my WW is only beginning to show the slightest signs of possible interest in the marriage. She has not every expressed any remorse. IMO I have been holding the marriage together with little or no help from her. Plan A is not an easy row to hoe.
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dorry: "A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives" was an absolutely wonderful written post and very educational. I respect it.
Do you know if there are any posts by men or women that are as intelligently written about: dealing with, forgiving and moving forward in a relationship after being cheated on?
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Kinger,
Welcome!
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but hope you will find the information presented useful.
My WH and I did a large part of our A recovery here - and likely wouldn't be together today if we had done otherwise.
You may like to search out some of WAT's (worth a try) posts and articles - he has quite an intellectual and factually (sp?) based style.
All the best to you.
FBW
MB'er in A recovery since Jan. '02
Married 10 yrs and managing to make it work!
2 boys...6 & 8
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Maybe I should start another post, you tell me.
I read alot of posts from guys that seem to be excited that their wives cannot make it financially without them; their OM kicked them out and they need a place to stay; their parents won't let them live their anymore, etc.. From what I gather, these dudes are excited that their wives are going to have to come home to them, because the wife has no other choice.
Does anyone else see this as completely unhealthy?
I want to add, I don't need any justification from the wife's end. I don't blame her at all. Who could?
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Well I tell you what Kinger, when YOU are in a marriage affected by infidelity YOU might understand. The situation you describe is no basis for long term happiness, but truth to tell, Lots of Men/Women return to their marriages for less than noble reasons. For most BS's it is enough that they are back home regardless of their motives for being there, including the motive you mention above.
It doesn't matter 1 iota WHY they come back home. Most men ahve already lost a pretty large slice of pride at the knowledge that their wife has decided screwing someone else might be fun.
What is your interest here? You don't even have a dog in this fight. Why don't you take your wank tank somewhere else? Why do you care why all the damaged hurting people here want to recover their marriages?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Why did you attack me personally? You have no idea what I have been through?
Cheating/leaving/lying spouses have touched my life at an alarming rate.
It isn't an accident that I am interested in it.
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