Hi all, I need help with figuring what is the right thing to do.

Briefly this is my situation (some are already familiar):

Nov 05 Wife had an EA for a couple of weeks with my friend / neighbour. Kissing was involved.
My wife admitted to it after my questioning her changed behaviour (withdrawn etc). OMS is aware.

Although she claimed the A was over she still had intermittant contact with him. She states to
this day that she still has feelings for him.

No contact has been established although we haven't moved yet, she will move if I insist but
doesn't think that will help.

Family, friends are all aware, affair is completely exposed. All are supportive of keeping the
family together.

I have been seeing a cousellor for a couple of months (6 sessions so far) she has joined me for
a few and had even initiated her own counselling sessions but has since stopped attending both
because she says she is not getting anything out of them.

No sex in about 10 weeks.

Our initial issues were around her perception that I was not 'in love' with her. I wasn't meeting
her emotional needs. I have made a committment from the start to address that issue and have been
practicing 'love building' for months now.

She claims that her current issue is guilt, along with trust that I will not revert back to
not being affectionate. She has also recently stated that she is worried that I will feel
justified to cheat on her.

I obviously have trust issues, my counsellor is not convinced that the affair is over and is
suspicious that she is having a full-on PA (thus no sex with me). She also beleives that
the reason she hasn't left is because she has nothing to go to. The OM is still with his wife.
The counsellor is worried that she will eventually leave once the OM and OMS split (which appears
inevitable).

I also am not sure if I love her anymore. But I am not sure if this is just because I don't feel
loved by her.

I am really on the verge of leaving her. I basically told her on the weekend that I am tired of
this situation and if she won't make a decision to be 100% dedicated to working on the relationship
then I will make a decision to end it.

Are we through here? What should be my next step? Can I protect myself from being hurt in the future?

I wouldn't be surprised if she's waiting out OM and his wife.

What does OM's wife tell you?

Tell us about OM's wife - does she have a career? If they divorce, is it likely OM will be paying her alimony? Do they have kids? In other words, how much is it gonna "cost" OM for his divorce - assuming he's seeking one.

Could you convince OM's wife to come here?

I suggest you not leave. Wait her out waiting them out.

Alternatively, allow her to leave, then go straight to Plan B.

In the meantime, Plan A and be the best Dad you can be. Your kids are victims in this and they deserve all you can give.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks WAT. OM's wife is a stay-at-home mom. OM will be paying spousal/child support big time.

I haven't really spoken to her much lately but will suggest this site and try and get more info on what is going on with them.

I agree about not leaving, although she will not leave either.

What are your options for moving?

One family has to eventually.

When you talk to OMW, find out what their "splitting" status is.

OM has a big $$ disincentive to divorce his wife. Good.

Did exposure include the other neighbors?

Any other community exposure available? What kind of employment does OM have?

WAT

I would like to stay in town because my family lives here. We could easily move to the other side of town and have zero contact with OM. I'm hoping they will move but I have a feeling OM is not willing to move out because of the $$ so he is staying put. I have heard that OMS is insisting that she is not moving because, well why should she?

Other neighbours all know, this is completely out in the open now.

OM is an insurance appraiser for a large insurance co. Not sure of where he is based out of.

Phoe,
Sorry that I don't know all of your story. I was wondering:
- Does your WW work?
- How are her domestic/child support duties right now?
Sounds that you are like many of us that do not have a clean enough situation for a textbook Plan B. I guess at least we have the textbook to use a reference. And I agree with Worth… Be there for your kids! I am amazed with pure joy how my children have responded to the attention and care that I provide them.

Good luck!
--d2m3b.

Hi, yes WW works F/T. Part of my issue is that most of her meetings with OM were over lunch, meeting in parking lots, restaurants etc. It's hard not knowing where she is.

Question: how can a BS be expected to stay positive and give everything to Plan A when ZERO of the BSs emotional needs are being met, in addition to grappling with the betrayal?

There has to be a breaking point. I think my WW can go one for years like this, as long as it is the best option to her. I can't keep it up indefinitly.

Hi again D, sorry, didn't answer one of your questions:

Kids are in school / daycare. No child support issues.

Ph

Phoe,
So she is perfectly content to remain in the current situation. That's tough... I do not know what to suggest if I were in your shoes. Sorry. But keep your chin up. Someone will have a brilliant idea for you, I am sure.
--d2m3b.

Except for us, few probably expect you to have lasted this long.

But also except for us, few probably understand the dynamics of affairs.

You reach down and find the strength.

You look at your kids and do it for them.

You look in the mirror and do it for that man.



She cannot go on for years. The dynamics of affairs says she can't. She won't. Waiting is not her best option.

Part of this is why you need to find out from OMW what's going on with them. Who knows what OM is telling her?

WAT

At this point is it advisible to give an ultimatum? I would like her to do the following:

1) Write and send a NC letter, copying me and OMS. I have suggested this before but she dismissed it as not neccessary. I would also like her to apologise to the OMS in the letter.

2) Show me her cell phone bills for the past 2 months. She has a work cell phone, I know she can get access to copies of the bills with a little effort. I asked this before but she excused her way out of it.

I am still not convinced they are not talking. But I am not sure if this is a good move or not.

Advice?

IMHO, ultimatums are a bad idea.

But what you suggested are not ultimatums, they're requests.

To me, an ultimatum is, "You do X - if not, I'll do Y."

But you've asked her both these requests before and she declined.

Reason: she doesn't want to do NC and she doesn't want you to see her phone records because they show calls to OM.

Have you considered hiring a PI to check out her lunch dates?

Before doing anything new, get the scoop from OM's wife.

JMHO

WAT