My cat just passed... at least you've got that going for ya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Ok then how about this.

Start saying I can!

M is about two wholes coming together to make something better.

M is not about two halfs coming together to make a whole.

You are a whole person and I don't even think you realize how much you can actually do on your own.

All of the things you listed in the grand scheme of life may not outweigh the negatives.

The solution is never easy. The solution is actually sometimes the hardest step in the world.

Look into the business sector. Plenty of people have these high powered jobs. It was all they ever thought they wanted to do. Now they gave those up to be on Hells Kitchen because they want to be a chef. Less money, crappy hours but to them it was worth it because they hated their DREAM JOB. Hells Kitchen is on Fox by the way I love that show.

For me today I am a whole person again. I can live with the FWW or without her. The consequences for me after the fact are not going to dictate to me what my best course of action is. If I have to live with my Mom for the next year so be it that is what I will do.

Not a very attractive trait in a 37 year old man. Imagine me going out and meeting an attractive female and telling her I live with my Mom. LOL.

But heck if that means I will live happily I will live with my mommy. Plus she is a good cook.

*** . . . you need to heal so all these fresh hurts don't keep piling up on the one huge hurt that you have not been able to heal from.***

boy you got that right. no wonder i am such a wreck. i don't have one nerve left for any of this. not one

thank you so much

you hit the nail on the head

i'm sure others here feel much the same - you can never heal when you just keep getting cut over and over again

thanks weaver

Mulan - You CAN have a good life, no matter what your husband chooses. I suggest you start on making a good life - go clean the toilets, and then spend time with your horse.

Sorry Mulan-I see you are in Az. Well, maybe you can still spend a few days w/ your horse.

***My cat just passed... at least you've got that going for ya***

aw -- sorry to hear about the kitty. but i am sure it was very happy living with you.

maybe when you are ready you can go down to the humane society - all Petsmart animals are from your local pound, if that's easier - and offer a home to another cat. so many of them need homes and i know one of them would love to live with you.

that's what i did when the last cat went to that big litter box in the sky several years ago. i explained to DS - who was much younger then and just loved the cat - that we weren't trying to "replace" Isis, but just saving another cat's life since we had room in our house for another one. now we have Artemis and she loves DS just like Isis did.

just something to think about

{{{Mulan}}}

I do not think I ever wrote to you, but often read your postings to other people. A lot of people here have been helped by someone like you, and I am quite impressed that you are a novelist. That is my secret passion and I really admire you. I do not know your sitch, but your WH must be so dumb not to treasure his wife with so much compassion and talent. I was going to suggest you to write a revenge story, but you said you have already done so. Did your WH read it? Or maybe you should write about an evil witch and send that book to your sister-in-law. Screw her, you do not need to spend your precious time talking with her! She will have to beg for your attention and time, are you kidding?

Please hang in there, and call the hotline if you have any suicidal ideas. WE ALL CARE. Don't let WH and his sister win - YOU ARE THE WINNER, and WH will have to knee down to get you back – if you will allow him. You are so much above them.

Milk

Don't get too far ahead of yourself. You're getting your heart mangled and your mind turned inside out over one tiny, incomplete piece of information.

I'm pretty good at doing that myself -- and I usually end up feeling worse about it later when I have the whole picture and realize how worked up I got over something that wasn't what I thought it was. Very often, a pebble can look like a mountain if that's the only part of the picture you have.

Has anyone -- especially your H -- actually SAID "we don't want you at the reunion"? I'm not sure you can assume that his individual plane ticket is an un-invitation for you. Is he trying to schedule around his other travel plans? Is there the possibility that you'd want to go or leave earlier or later than him, so he only booked his until he could work out what you wanted to do? Did he get a special fare break on one ticket, or figure out a way to get his company to pay for one, so he has to book them separately ... ? There could be any number of reason's that he's only booked the one ticket so far.

Ask him next time he calls. You won't know if it's worth all the [email]cr@p[/email] you're going through right now until you have all of the information.

Wow Mulan -

Impressive bio.

Perhaps WH needs a good slap in the face to get him back to reality.

You've got a lot going for you!

I'm working up to that. My cat was 18yo, had him all his life, it's been surprisingly traumatic for me. I do miss not having a kitty around. I am thinking on it, thank you. Scratch your kitty between the ears for me, ok? I hope you feel better soon. Life sucks for everyone, sometimes, ya know? You'll pull through - Dru

Mulan,

Just writing to let you know another person is here among your support group.

Sometimes when I feel so alone in my battle to save a M that I have nearly destroyed....and so isolated from all of my friends and family (I live thousands of miles away in a foreign country)....and so frustrated by a similar employment catch 22...

I remember to hold on to my center: personal value does not come from external sources....and is therefore not controlled by them, but truly controlled by me.

Have you read the Tao Te Ching? It is available on the internet, but here are some passages...


Tao Te Ching
Written by Lao-tzu (around 500 b.c.)
From a translation by S. Mitchell


2
When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

3
If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.

5
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both good and evil.
The Master doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both saints and sinners.

The Tao is like a bellows:
it is empty yet infinitely capable.
The more you use it, the more it produces;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the center.

12
Colors blind the eye.
Sounds deafen the ear.
Flavors numb the taste.
Thoughts weaken the mind.
Desires wither the heart.

The Master observes the world
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is open as the sky.

Post deleted by Cherished

Mulan,
I am very sorry you are having such a difficult time and that these things are happening to you. I have always respected your insight and input. I pray that you will be able to come out of this and be well on the other side. I stand in support of you. I wish you strength.

patriot

Cherished...no words for the post you just wrote, it was very, very well written.

Mulan,

Have you ever done a complete 180?

Sometimes women live so many years for their husbands and children (so the husband can achieve in his career), that they lose themselves in that role.

Why not a 180, to regain a sense of yourself and become that strong, happy woman you once were.

Get some rest, and then make some 180 plans. Can you imagine your husband when he gets a load of you, living for you? And now, while he is out of town is the perfect time to go to work on it, make your list, goals, subgoals, etc and see what a 180 for you would like.

He is probably expecting you to act just like you always have when this type of thing has happened. So don't.

Use this as a catalyst. Change it around to suit your 180, use it to your advantage.

Things were changing between you, you said...so keep them changing now. Don't fall back into old patterns so the dynamic can continue as in the past, status quo.

I'd give a 180, starting now, a good college go if I were you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Mulan, I think you know we have often related to each other in the past. I understand how you are feeling. I know it hurts.

I don't have any constructive advice. I so wish I did. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.




Oh, but you do, sweet lady.

Post deleted by Cherished

Mulan,

I have similar feelings. Although WH moved out three years ago, I still live in the same community, and see Jabba with the Black Widow on a depressingly regular basis. Although icky things are starting to happen to him -- that hasn't made it "good" for me.

Like you, I've been hanging on here for one reason: to see my daughter graduate in the same high school she started, in the community she has lived in for a decade.

And as the date approached -- I realized I had NO VISION for after that date. As the date approached -- a date that once seemed impossibly far away -- I realized I was not going to drop dead on June 11, but I didn't have a real plan. Of course, I have a vague plan to move, and am interviewing for jobs -- but no real vision of a life I wanted, something to get me up in the morning.

It's kind of a scary, empty time -- the time you longed for, that once seemed so far away. You've just ended an ordeal, and now a different one begins.

But now is the time to implement the plan you had all along, or plan one if you didn't. With your son's graduation, it's "mission accomplished." A period of emptiness follows.

Now the new life begins.

p.s. Never underestimate the company of a pussycat.

Mulan,

I write, too. Not published, but almost done with a novel. If not for my H and his stupid shenanigans, I might be done with it now. His A has paralyzed me, too.

I know how you feel. I'm feeling it, too. But you can hang, just hang in there.

Send us parts of your novel. I would LOVE to read it.

RL

Mulan, rltraveled, and others who have written and maybe published, would you answer some questions for me? Come to think of it, I'll post a new thread about it and link it here. Thanks!