Hi to all the wonderful people in MB land,

I don't WANT to divorce but my WS sure does and he can hardly wait. I'm betting he can hardly wait to be with the OW in their "heaven." First though he has to get out of this marraige H*ll with me the BS. We have been to our first mediation meeting.

He is angry with me often and can be verbally abusive. He is living in our home presently. He wants this divorce to happen as soon as possible..rush, rush...he can hardly wait...I on the other hand have taken the last year to dive deep into an A+ plan A.

I believe I have a lot of research and data gathering to do before I'm truly ready to negotiate a fair settlement for the children and I. The pressure is annoying me BIG TIME. He has been making comments like...

"lets get a lot done next session"
"Have you done your homework?"
"I don't want to make a lot of trips to see this mediator"
"This divorce will happen with or without you"
"I don't care if we ONLY talk in front of the mediator?"
"Let's move along, R EA LL Y, move along next meeting."

I have been posting in recovery for over a year. My WS is way deep in the fog. We have two children and the OW (used to be good friend) is leaving her husband. They have three children.

I'm open to recovery but can't w/o him...so...here I am.

I resent being pushed.

I don't want to end all good will between us and have him sue me for Divorce. However I'm the type of person...like it or not...that the more pressure I feel the slower I go...the anxiety slows me down...it is like I'm trying to handle too much all at once. Oh, I'm finishing up full-time school too. I also do ALL, I mean ALL, household responsibilities....you get the idea.

OK, I know someone is thinking this sounds like an excuse for being passive aggressive...it isn't. I'll still putt along. I also believe in "slow and steady wins the race," this is part of my character. I'm a thinker. (INTJ)

Grrrrrr.

Any comments?

Thanks
Strongest

Just be ready for yourself - to protect you and the kids.
Do you have the book Mom's House/Dad's house. It has many great ideas about coparenting plans.
I assume you've done the financial pieces in preparation for mediation. Has any custody been discussed? Unless you plan 50/50, he may be in for quite a shock when CS is discussed. Make sure your plan is airtight, holidays, college, when CS ends, school costs (including hobbies and projects).

I am stuck with coparenting with an irresponsible X. He takes his time, but takes no responsibility for anything else regarding the kids, and won't let the do activities (nor will he contribute).

[color:"blue"] [/color]

In my state, alimony is not typically considered unless the marriage is over 10 years. And in more cases, it is given on a rehabilitative basis, rather than for life, to allow the spouse a better standing of living until they can get on their feet.
At your children's ages, they could be given a choice of living arrangements. Child support is considered as a % of total family income (25% for 2 kids) allocated based on the time (overnights) each parent has the children. And CS is is impacted by alimony payments (ie. they become added to your income).
It's a painful process, particularly if you are a BS. (I may never know if I was one, but in the end it got me out of an emotionally abusive marriage).
If you've tried Plan A, you have done all you possibly can do, and will know that in your heart. That will help the healing process.
Try to find a local divorce support group. They may be helpful in your local laws, judges, CS & Alimony questions and such. And they can provide a social outlet for you.

Some people mourn the loss of the marriage while they are in it, some mourn afterward. You are likely well on your way to emotional healing.

[color:"green"]Strongest [/color]
I personally didn't go through mediation because H and I were able to agree (with some give/take) on our own settlement. So I can't help you with that, per se...but I can help you with being prepared. [color:"green"]Newly [/color] had some good suggestions for custody. Have you checked out the divorce websites? Some are Divorce Source , Divorce Info , and Divorce Net . They will tell you the laws and precedents for the state you're living in. Knowing this background info will help you by knowing what is a fair amount to settle on and also give you some inner strength and backbone during the negotiation part of the process. The more you know, the better off you'll be. If you were a SAHM you probably (?) handled finances, which could help put you in a good place by knowing just as much as your H about running your household over the last decade.

Sorry you are over on this board now, but there are good support people here, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi to you Strongest,
Boy do I know what you are going through. My H started pushing a couple of months after he left to "think things over". Well, I was able to get things postponed by first telling him that I would not take any further steps until I had an opportunity to prepare a budget of mine and my daughters living expenses based on a quarterly average. This was important because even though you think you have everything covered sometimes things just come up that you didn't plan for. Then when I submitted that peice of the equation to my attorney I requested that my WH do the exact same thing.This bought me time to make sure that I had all my paperwork in order.By that time it was end of the year and we agreed to wait until after tax filing. This gave me an opportunity to get copies of his tax returns, w-2's, 1099's etc to use in the settlement, and evaluate mine. Then finally my attorney submitted my settlement requests (padded may I add) and we are now really close to an agreement that satisfies both of us.It may sound horrible that I drug things out but in the long run by not rushing into anything I feel much better about the settlement and so does he.I also feel like I am in more control of my own finances because of the extra time I spent doing the budget. My D should be final in 2 or 3 weeks. I feel like I am ready now, at least as ready as one can be under the circumstances. Get a good attorney, a good tax accountant and get to work preparing your documents in a logical way that can be proved in court if need be. Ours was settled out of court because the H couldn't argue with the documentation that I presented. Good Luck and hang in there.

Newly
Thanks for your advice. Thank you for saying that chances are that I'm well on my way to emotional healing. That really made me feel good. I've thought of that a bunch of times now and it is reaffirming.

avondale25
Thank you for the links. I've used your link to divorcesource.com and found some helpful advice there already. Thank you for your help and I agree knowledge is going to help me have a backbone. I don't want to make a rash decision...I really want to "know" why I want it the way I'll end up having it.

perservering
Thank you for your advice!! The pressure and time you needed to "feel" confident and comfortable with the process sounds like me. Besides pressure makes me suspicious. What's the rush? I'm presently working up a budget.

I'm just so confused how we can seperate and keep the house when we are already in the red. Seperating will only be more expensive.

I've been very, very fortunate to have a mediator who has a lot of experience. He is helping my spouse and I "come together" and have civil, respectful discussions for our children's sake.

Presently my husband is starting to compliment me and he even laughed at a joke...I think he is relaxing now "knowing" I'm working on our divorce.

It is kinda painful to have him be so nice and accept him this way because I'm "open" to a relationship with him. How many times did I tell him "I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your wife." Now what am I doing? Anyway that is my ego and selfish side talking.

Those conversations are over. I'm not fighting to prove to him I can be a wonderful partner. Just because he is being nice I can't harbor and will not harbor some secret plan to get him back. If I did, I would only be setting myself up for more agony. It is a sweet and sour daydream. It is in God's hands...and however it is, is how it is meant to be.

I do love him. I heard this time compared to letting your child leave home.

God's plan may be for someone else to love me someday.



Thanks,
Strongest

Hi to all the wonderful people here in MB Land,

I'm just so confused how we can seperate and keep the house when we are already in the red. Seperating will only be more expensive. So I'm working on it.

I've been very, very fortunate to have a mediator who has a lot of experience. He is helping my spouse and I "come together" and have civil, respectful discussions for our children's sake.

Presently my husband is starting to compliment me and he even laughed at a joke...I think he is relaxing now "knowing" I'm working on our divorce. His ideas have been expressed in front of the mediator to a large extent for how he would "like" things to be settled. I know they're quite different from what I've been thinking. Next meeting ought to be exciting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I'm not out to "get" him I just want what I'm rightfully entitiled to for my children and myself. Perhaps he is going to stop being so nice...anyway why worry. I should just enjoy the present while it lasts.

It is kinda painful to have him be so nice and accept him this way because I'm "open" to a relationship with him. How many times did I tell him "I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your wife." Now what am I doing? Anyway that is my ego and selfish side talking.

Those conversations are over. I'm not fighting to prove to him I can be a wonderful partner. Just because he is being nice I can't harbor and will not harbor some secret plan to get him back. If I did, I would only be setting myself up for more agony. It is a sweet and sour daydream. It is in God's hands...and however it is, is how it is meant to be.

I do love him. I heard this time compared to letting your child leave home.

God's plan may be for someone else to love me someday.

I've been enjoying the book Spiritual Divorce.

Thanks,
Strongest