I have been reading a lot on this site in the last couple of days. Have gained many new insights but still have a lot of questions. Maybe someone here can help me make sense of this all or just provide comments: Warning: This will be a long message. I want to lay everything out there, and do it only once. My apologies in advance.

My situation:

Me, Male, 42, BA degree, married for 15 years, 2 daughters, (9 and 4), WS 40, PhD, Dday Jun 8, 2006, but suspected A since late summer of 2005. WS has admitted that that’s when the A started.

We both work for a pharmaceutical company (same site), I am a Computer Engineer, she works for the Regulatory Affairs Dept (used to be in product (drug) development). In both positions she has had a lot of responsibilities and has had to do a lot of traveling to other company sites.

My WS loves her career, and she is a very ambitious person who knows exactly where she wants to be. As long as I’ve known her, (almost 24 years) she has been like this. It was one of the things that first attracted me to her, along with here bubbly, outgoing character. I am not nearly as ambitious nor outgoing as she is, but as they say, opposites attract.

I have to add here that the WS had weight loss surgery in 2004, and she has lost 91 lbs since that time. I’ve always found her attractive, but now with the weight loss she has become stunningly beautiful. And I’m not the only man who thinks so. She receives lots of attention from other men, and she loves it. The surgery didn’t necessarily change her personality; rather it reinforced it. She has become even more bubbly and outgoing than she was. And I guess for her it also reinforced my much more introverted personality to her. I’m convinced she no longer likes what she sees.

Our relationship changed last summer when she withdrew from me. First suspicions of something being seriously wrong occurred when she would close her laptop computer screen when I walked past. To me this was an obvious indication that she was hiding something from me. When I asked her about this, her response was: “Am I not allowed to have any friends? You don’t have to know everything I e-mail.” My response was: “Sure you can have friends, and no, I don’t have to know everything you e-mail, but why are you closing your screen?” Didn’t get an answer.

As 2005 progressed and 2006 started, she withdrew more and more from me. She made more trips, to Ireland and Puerto Rico, also switched positions (from drug development to Regulatory Affairs.) During all of these trips I did what I had to do and took care of our 2 girls. I’m their father after all, and it’s what I’m supposed to do. However, a thank you from the wife would have been nice, but during all of the years she has been traveling she has very rarely said those words. Sometimes I feel like a glorified babysitter, and I have told my WS so.

Over the years, we have had some fierce discussions and fights about all of this traveling. I guess I felt that she was neglecting my daughters and myself and was focusing on her career only rather than her family. And I’ll admit, I used some pretty harsh words and made some pretty bad accusations, even calling her a bad mother at one point. It was incredibly stupid of me venting the way I did, rather than trying a more constructive way to convey my feelings. I would do anything to take back those words. But they were uttered, and that was it. I can’t ever take them back and “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it. These words can’t be undone.

Anyway, also during the end of 2005 and the beginning of 2006, our cell phone bill skyrocketed. At least one call every day to Puerto Rico, with many days more than one call made. When I ask her about this she explains that these calls are to one of her co-workers in Puerto Rico and that they work on the same projects together. They are also very good friends. Another alarm bell goes off. I sit down with her and ask her “If there’s something going wrong between us, you will tell me, right?” Answ: “Yes.” I ask her also “If this something wrong between us, will you allow me to try and fix things?” Answ: “Yes”

In April of 2006, we make a trip to my home country with the entire family. One day, while the WS is taking her shower, her cell phone beeps: an incoming text message. Not really suspecting anything nor really wanting to snoop, I look at it: It’s from her co-worker in Puerto Rico: Te amo mucho….Now I panic. I looked at the record of her outgoing messages: “I miss you and want to be with you much” and similar messages. What is going on here?

When we get home to the US I try to approach the WS about what I’ve found out. “He is a very special friend,” the answer was. In the beginning of May 2006, I suggest MC. Her first reaction: “I’m incredibly busy and it doesn’t really fit into my schedule, but I’ll do it” Hardly a good beginning. We have our first meeting in the middle of May. I can’t really say much about it. My WS claims we’ve grown apart, hasn’t loved my in a long time, and uses all the phrases typically offered by a cheating partner. Spooky indeed.

I’m guessing the A started in August 2005. Then the WS didn’t make another trip to Puerto Rico until December 2005. Up until end of April 2006, there have been no further trips to Puerto Rico either. So the way I look at this is as follows: She is having an A, but it’s mainly over the phone. Not that it makes much of a difference, but as long as there are no other trips to Puerto Rico, I figure I might have a chance and some time to try to turn things around.

Because that’s what I want to do, turn things around. My WS is the only woman I’ve ever really loved in my life, and I can’t stand the thought of losing her, not even after finding out she’s having an A. I want to fix things and find a way to continue our marriage.

At the end of May, disaster strikes. WS has to go to Puerto Rico on 2 hours notice to try and salvage a project in which the company has invested quite a lot of money. Remember, at this time she still hasn’t admitted to an A. I suspect she’s having one, but she hasn’t admitted it yet. Before she leaves, I ask her to please think about us and all the good times we have between us. I also ask her to not put herself into a position where she’s going to do something she might regret later. Because of this emergency trip, WS misses the second meeting with the MC. I go by myself. He asks if I think she’s having an affair. I tell him yes and give him the information I have.

WS comes home for the Memorial Day. Nine-year-old daughter senses that something is wrong between Mommy and Daddy and starts asking questions. WS and I sit down with her and explain that “Yes, things are not OK but Mommy and Daddy are trying to work things out. No matter what, remember that we both love you very much. We will always love you, and none of this is your fault.

WS has to go back to Puerto Rico after Memorial Day. Again I ask her to please think about us and all the good times we have between us and to not put herself into a position where she’s going to do something she might regret later. WS returns home on Jun 2. After these two trips, I don’t really know how to approach her. We still share the same bed although we haven’t been intimate in a while. I’ve thought about moving downstairs but am very reluctant to do so because I see it as on of those things that, once done, can’t be undone. We talk around the issue, trying to be nice to each other.

Then on June 8 my world as I know it is crushed. First blow (even though I had suspected it for a long time): WS admits to being unfaithful with Puerto Rico co-worker since summer of 2005. Second blow: WS says she wants a D because “we grown so much apart and I simply don’t love you anymore.” Third blow: WS announces that company management is thinking about asking her to go to Puerto Rico for a period of one YEAR to get the derailed project back on the rails again. If asked, she will accept and she wants to take the children with her. The company will pay for housing, utilities, schools, etc. Company will also pay for monthly trips back to the mainland. WS says she would not move in with OM but get her own apartment where she would live with the children. My name isn’t mentioned anywhere in this scenario.

The most important reason she wants to accept this assignment is that, if successful, it will shoot her straight to the top of the company. It’s really a great career opportunity. I have to agree with WS. This is a great career opportunity. Also, I have no doubt that her career is the most important reason for her to accept the assignment. I’ve known my wife way longer than the OM, and I know how ambitious she is. If the OM really thinks the only reason she coming is to be with him, he is in for a big surprise.

The second reason the WS gives is that this would also be a great opportunity for the children to experience a different culture. While this may be true in and by itself, I feel that the WS is giving me this reason only to make herself feel better about what she’s doing. After all, she is in the fog. The third reason is that this would give her an opportunity to see where the relationship with the OM is going.. Sure…..

My reaction shocked her. I said I didn’t want a D, told her that I still loved her and offered to come with her. She thinks I’ve never really supported her career, and never thought that I would move to be with her. In the past when discussions about moving have come up, I always said that I would prefer to stay where I am. Maybe I should have added that I would move if I had to. I’m not sure I ever did that.

Friday June 9, I was just in shock. Don’t remember much, but we did tell the nine-year old what was up, including the part that Mommy cheated on Daddy. WS and I sit down with her again and explain again that “No matter what, remember that we both love you very much. We will always love you, and none of this is your fault.”

At night we talked some more. I expressed my anger and asked why she had never said anything to me or given me the chance to try to fix things, like she promised. I also asked her what gave her the right to take my children away from me. After all, I love them just as much as she does. I need to be with them just as much as she does. She said she doesn’t look at it as taking the children away from my but rather as offering them an opportunity to experience a different culture. Sure….

Saturday, June 10 she wakes up next to me (we’re still sleeping in the same bed, as explained above), gives me a hug and says: “Boy, I never thought I would find myself in this situation. It will be a long time before I will file for D. I am in no rush.” So what the heck does that mean?

I call my parents oversees and tell them what’s going on. In the afternoon, we go to a party of the folk dance group that the WS and I belong to. I tell the dance leader, my SIL and future BIL (also members of the dance group) what’s going on. Receive the advice from both the dance leader and future BIL I should not let my WS take the children.

Sunday, June 11, we tell my MIL, herself divorced. She cries, just like we do. WS and I talk some more about what her statement on Saturday morning meant. “Maybe I’m not as sure as I seem” and “Maybe it’s my way of acknowledging that I never gave you the opportunity to try to fix anything.”

Monday June 12, I tell my WS that my offer to come with her still stands. She says that she had never thought of me in Puerto Rico and can’t really picture it. At the same time she says that no official offer has been made and all the options are still open.

I have to step back, and stop with these conversations with her. All I’m doing is putting pressure on her and getting myself upset. Also, I don’t want to be smothering her, but at the same time I need to vent all of this to get some of my sanity back.

So here I am. I know that my offer to go with my WS to Puerto Rico while she has an ongoing affair with a co-worker from there goes against absolutely everything stated on this website. My reasons for this are simple, though. First of all, I need to be there for my daughters. They didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. Next, I think things can only get better from here, not worse. I don’t think I have anything to lose. I do love my wife and want to be her husband. I know that, even if things do work out, things would never be the same between us again as they were before and that a long period of counseling is required for both of us

There’s no false pride here. I’m doing this for my peace of mind. If things do not work out, I want to be able to tell myself and my daughters that I did absolutely everything humanly possible to save my marriage.

Thoughts, advice, input are appreciated.

wow...been to puerto rico and it is pretty...but it is not your family's home.

it is brave for you to want to support her, but her travelling/living there for a year is FEEDING HER AFFAIR AND THE FANTASY. IT MUST BE CRUSHED.

first of all, the affair must be revealed to the superiors at the company. i work in health care...i dated a former coworker of mine, but we were so p.c. and nobody knew we dated until we broke up...wierd maybe. but we were not damaging families and we were both single, moral and quite professional.

i would expose to her mom...to her friends...to THOSE SHE ESTEEMS...since she is driven, her IMAGE IS EVERYTHING...and an image of being a scarlet woman? not good. she will not like it. but it is necessary to kill the affair.

next, YOU QUIT PAYING FOR THE LONG DISTANCE CALLS. period. cancel the cell service. and get COPIES OF EVERY AND EACH BILL.

hire a pi in puerto rico...chances are this guy COULD BE MARRIED? AWESOME CHANCE TO EXPOSE TO HIS FAMILY. kill the affair from as many angles as possible friend. also find outfrom the pi if the OM is dating around? he could have more than one OW...your ww could be one of many! how's that for killing the fantasy.???any ideas?

use words such as "affair and adultery" to describe her "special friendship"...which it aint! it is AN AFFAIR...IT IS ADULTERY.

You commit to 100 percent plan a...you do it..but you also expose to all! church, mother in law, family members, work hiearchy, bosses, peers she esteems, etc...and mutual friends. and you EXPOSE THE OM...that means GET DIRT ON THE GUY...what if she found out courtesy of your private investigator in puerto that her bf was seeing other women? what if he was playing while she was gone "happy family" and living happily MARRIED? what if THE OM WAS LYING TO HER? you gotta kill it from all ends.

find and remember "CARROT AND STICK OF PLAN A."

give it at a minimum of 3 mos.

I am also a fan of implementing 180 tactics with plan A too...NOBODY WANTS A NEEDY BS CRYING AND CLINGING TO THEM...become more mysterious, handsome, attractive and independent.

you can do this.

now? it's time to carefully plan your exposure. do it ALL AT ONCE..SINGLE BLOW SAME DAY. get the PI now..get the dirt on the OM. once PI gets it, explode your firearms! expose to all involved INCLUDING OM'S FAMILY...and his work/boss.

she may lose her job...but you all will keep a family.

it is fair. it is a just fight. you can win this. JUST USE YOUR BRAIN AND NOT YOUR EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW...that part is key.

HIDE ANY DOCUMENTS YOU FIND...put them in safe deposit box safe from the reach of a desperate ws...my xh sought out all that I had in my possession that could implicate him as a ws...but I had copies always.

also, get a voice activated recorder. put it in her vehicle..and put one IN YOUR MATTRESS...OR IN PRIVATE PLACE AT THE HOME WHERE SHE HANGS OUT OR RELAXES..somewhere she is likely to talk...and talk to OM.

this may take a bit of time, b/c her affair is pure fantasy fueled by absences and it's been festering a long time...much like a bad case of mrsa infection...yeeeck!

JP nailed it but I have a few things to add.

Put a key logger on her laptop and any computers you have around the house. There are ways to break into computers if you don't have the administrator password; you mentioned that you're a computer guy so it shouldn't be too hard.

Under no circumstances should you allow your WW to take your children out of the country. Not for a visit, not for relocation, not for any reason.

Start looking at separating your finances...just in case. Otherwise, plan A, 180, and expose.

You might also think about posting over on General Questions 2; that's a very heavily trafficked area of the site and you'll get a lot more responses there.

V- see a lawyer ASAP to protect your family. Your W cannot leave the country with your children. There's another dad in a similar situation - his WW wants to take 7 year old son to Canada for rendevous with OM. This BH saw a lawyer and will not let it happen. Here's his thread. Ask him for advice.

d2my3boys story

Nothing wrong you going to P.R. with your WW. You need to be where she is.

I suspect exposure at work - OM works for the same company, right? - will have a big impact. Do you know about exposure?

Read these links:

How to organize a marital recovery plan

Affair exposure

I've been there a couple a times and "quite alot of money" is like twenty bucks and some change.

Send them a check and tell them she can't make it.

JustPeachy, Bitbucket and MDC, thanks for your replies. Am thinking about how to expose and the exact timing of it. Also thinking about seeing a lawyer and filing for D with the under standing that this would be to protect my girls only. I don't want to D, but filing for D would prevent my WW from taking my daughters out of the country. Not knowing the timing of the suggested move, I think need to act quickly...

However, the WW is sure to accuse me of dragging the girls into this and "feeding them incorrect information." Will have to think about how to deal with that. Oh well

Pariah: While Puerto Rico may be a poor country, for the company that we both work for there are millions of dollars at stake...

Keep the feedback coming, please

It sounds to me that she is totally playing you. She is a classic cake-eater, shows little remorse and continues the affair. If the roles were reversed, do you think your wife would continue to accept such disrespect and humiliation from you? You sound far too accommodating. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

Friend, you need to expose your WW's adultery to the company's Human Resources Director. Let that person know if they transfer your WW to Puerto Rico, they are aiding her with her adultery. She’s already been conducting the adultery on company time. The management needs to know.

Is the OM married? What do you know about him? Believe nothing, repeat, nothing your WW says about him. She's been hiding an adultery by lying so far; she'll lie about him also. If you have the resources to do it, a Private Investigator can give you reams of information about this other man in a short time. Knowing all you can about him will give you more targets for exposure.

Expose this adultery to your children. Dr. Harley recommends it. If you do not, you allow your wife to be playing an inappropriate role model to your children. Do not believe she can be a "good mother" while she's cheating, lying, and deceiving you and the children. Additionally, the children may begin to blame themselves if they don't hear the truth. BTW, my 4-year-old daughter was well aware of her mother's infidelity. Children see what’s happening. Don’t ever doubt it.

Above all, friend, do NOT shield your wife from the consequences of her adultery. Don't do it! She has made a number of extraordinarily cruel, obscene, and self-indulgent choices in order to commit this adultery. Let the chips fall where they may or she will not drop the OM and come back to the marriage.

Have you read up on how to organize a marital recovery? If you haven't, click on the link in my signature block. I think it'll help you find a strategy for salvaging your marriage.

Hang in there. You'll get through this, just as we here on MB have made our way through exactly the same thing you're facing now.

Today I spoke w/ XXX from HR. He knows WW very well. They have been in meetings together. When she wants to hire someone, he is the HR person she works with. Mentioned to him that there is inappropriate behavior going on between WW and OM. He said he really couldn't discuss because of confidentiality concerns; basically, not allowed to discuss other company personnel (WW/OM) with me. He too, referred me to YYY, another person in HR. XXX basically blew me off.

Spoke w/ YYY. The only policy that company has regarding relationships in the workplace is that if a manager gets into a relationship with a subordinate, it needs to be reported to management. Other than that, there is nothing.

Well, WW is not OM’s manager. They don't even work in the same department. They just work together a lot. YYY explained that if I feel that the relationship between WW and OM is resulting or could possibly result in an ethics violation (ie, WW pressuring OM to enter incorrect results in a report or something like that), I can call the company compliance hotline.

I don't think that will happen. They're both too smart to do that...

When I asked YYY about her confidentiality requirements, she told me she that she and XXX are not allowed to confirm or deny to WW that I was even in their office.

Do have appointment with attorney tomorrow to set up restraining order prohibiting my WW from taking the children out of the country without my permission.

You guys / galls have been great so far. Keep them coming...

V

To all who have replied to my post. I've cross-posted this thread in Infidelity : General Questions II and received some responses over there.

I would prefer to keep just one thread going instead of two, so if you have any more insights at this time, I would kindly like to ask you to post them under the thread under Infidelity : General Questions II

Thanks for all your help so far. The people on this site have been great and have allowed me to keep my sanity under very difficult circumstances.

V