Help, There is so much info to give I don't know where to start. So hear i go. April 14 I found out my husband of 16 yrs. has been cheating on me. When I found out he ended it well at least the physical part. We got into MCing three days after I found out. For the first month I thought he was working on the marriage but then I found out he was talking to the ow again I asked him to stop he said he would but he didn't. So I asked him to leave. It took him about 4 days to go. That was 3 weeks ago. As far as i know he is still taking to her. I have seen him a couple times a week since he left. Last week we went to a conference in another state ( this trip was planned long before i found out about the A ) our MC told us to go she said maybe it could be a second honeymoon. It was not it was awful we came back early. That was 2 days ago, I haven't heard from H since then. The last thing he told me was not to give up on our marriage and that he will call me, but now he hasn't called I don't know what to think of this. I love him very much and he says he loves me. What should I do? There is alot more to this story but maybe this can get us started.

Marflow

Marflow--Sorry to hear you're in such a sad sitch. Keep posting and reading from this site, it will do you a world of good. I'm not sure how much advice I can give you. Sounds like your H is "fence-sitting". He likes the idea of a loving wife waiting for him at home, but can't let go of the addiction he has for the OW. Try to stay strong, you're in for a bumpy ride. I'll be praying for you.

The starting point is Plan A. Be sure to read all about it here. It includes showing him what a great wife you can be. It also includes exposure.

Is the OW married?

Yes the OW is married. But it's not a real marriage. A couple of
people that know about the affair but I'm a very private person. We have two sons and I don't want them to know they are 15 and 11. I have read surviving an affair by Dr. Harley and also HNHN. My problem is I can't think straight about what is happening, I know what I should be doing but I keep doing stupid things.

How is it not a REAL marriage? That is exactly what my husband claims about our 15 year marriage, ever since he has been living with his OW.

Marflow, the affair needs to be exposed or you aren't going to get very far here. Plan A has 2 parts, the carrot and the stick. That involves taking action to ruin the affair and then working on correcting the things in the marriage that caused you to drift apart.

By not exposing the affair, you aide and abet them because affairs thrive on secrecy. I would start first with the OW's husband, both your family and close friends.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs because it is like turning on the light in a crack house and bringing in witnesses. No one wants to smoke crack and get high in front of a crowd, it ruins the fantasy. It forces them to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others.

It is the same with affairs. Exposure will hasten the death of the affair, if not kill it the same day. And once the affair is over, your H can withdraw from her and you can HAVE A CHANCE to work on your marriage. But your marriage will never get to a place where you CAN recover if you don't help kill off this affair.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Ark's famous post


~BE THE LIGHTHOUSE~


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...

yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..
you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...

you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...

but you know that...
so they can't hurt you right now...
they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....

set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....

without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...

seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...

no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...

and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...

and eventually they will see that you are the only one...

who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...

be the lighthouse....

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit

do the infidel a favor

do not stand inbetween them and their consequences

show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them

be it
shame
embarrasment
fear

whatever they have earned

let it be

unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors

let it roll

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.

You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair

The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....

stop

Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair

The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity

not ever

You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse

relax
breathe

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.


Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !

It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.

There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!

OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:

"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."

TIME for exposure.

WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it

Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!

You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.

You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to

HOW you expose is important

wording something like:

I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

don't forget these words

swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose

you just do it

Pep

Star*fish's post about how & why [color:"red"]fear [/color]is the betrayed spouse's enemy

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

Yikes, Pep - You're on a roll.

just cut & paste from an old thread
in just found out !

LOL

Thanks for all the advise. I am slowly exposing I just don't want my sons to know. My 15 year old has emotional problems and he won't be able to handly this.

Believer, She told my WH that her H is gay and that she only stays with him because of her 28 yr old daughter, I think its a bunch of crap, but my WH believes her.

He finally called me yesterday, he told he hadn't called because he thought i needed time, I really think he needed time. He is coming over tonight to talk, he is the one that suggested it, this is the first time he has wanted to talk I'm not sure how to take this.
Any advise would be great.

Marflow

Hi, all just an update my WH didn't come over. He called and told me he had a headache. It up set me but i didn't let him know. I called hm a couple of hours later to see if he was felling better he diso didn't answer his phone so I left a message.

Should I contact him today or should I wait for hm to call?

HELP!
Marflow

Hi, all its been awhile since i updated so heres the latest.
i've been plan Aing my butt off it was going so good that our MC thought it was time for us to meet together ( our IC is also our MC) so we meet with her last thursday night I thought it went pretty good she gave us homework. We were to spend sometime taking about issues that came out at our session. WH seemed like he really wanted to do it. This is when it took the downward turn.

He mom was having surgery on friday but he said he would call when they took her back which should have been at noon. So at 1:30 I called him to find out if everything was ok. he said yes but they hadn't taking her back yet he said he would when they did. so I get a call about 3:00 he said they just took her back and he would call when they were done, ok that call came in at 6:00 after that i never heard another word from him. So saturday at about 4:30 I decided that i could not take anymore. So I called him and told him that he used his mom to keep from working on our issues and that he kepps sending mixed messages and that it hurts to much so I told him that I could not see him or talk to him until he stops taking to OW and decides what he whats. So i guess i'm in plan B.

Please help I don't know what to do. I have so many questions.

WH 48
BS 39
M 16yrs.
DS 15
DS 11
D-day 4/14/06
WH moved out 5/21/06

Here's one of my questions.

How do I stay in plan B if we attend the same church?
this wasn't a problem this past sunday because WH was working.

We also co-teach a sunday school class.

HELP!! any advise

WH 48
BS 39
M16yrs.
DD15
DD 11
D-Day 4/14/06
WH moved out 5/21/06

Have you exposed his affair to your church..there is no way he should be in a leadership/mentor position.

Have you done that? I have heard of churches that turned a blind eye..but it is succinctly unscriptural for them to allow a person in active rebellion and sin to teach or even to attend.

If this is the case..I would find a new church.

If not..expose.

Noodle: Their people in our church that knows about the affair.

There's alot more people that know that he is no longer leaving with me.

The reason I haven't exposed to the whole church is because the last affair that was exposed ended up ripping the children apart and I won't do that to my sons.

I agree that he shouldn't be teaching and I think he would agree to.

As for him not attending because of what he is doing I don't agree with that. He need to be in Gods house. A sinner should not be casted out.