Where to begin..My husband left 4 weeks ago and is staying at his mom's house..Our relationship had gotten to the point where he said he felt he was coming home to a friend and not a wife..That there were things he had asked me to do and I didn't do them..My jealousy and snooping, he had had enough..My management of money was poor and he was tired of the roller coaster..That he just feels unhappy..

That's pretty much the reasons he left..When I ask him to think about things we have been through and the good times we can have, he says he just feels tired and doesn't feel that anything good can come from us staying together..

Things that I didn't do were little things like making phone calls or not having nieces and nephews here on Friday nights..Finances was about me having credit cards, that he used too I might add..

Jealousy, maybe a big problem..He is friendly with a female co-worker..I have a problem of snooping through his cell phone to see who he calls and who calls him..If there is something that sparks my attention, I ask about it..He swears there is nothing more than friends going on and I believe him.. Just still can't fight the feeling that I don't like him talking to her outside of work..As he has stated, he spends more time with those people than with his own family and he likes to have friendships..OK, I understand that, but why does she have to call before or after work?? His response was I'm not going to stop being friends with someone just because you have no trust in me..So, I have thought about my actions and what I "think" is going on and have decided that I do have a problem and would like to solve it..My problem now is that she is calling him now more than ever after the separation and he is confiding our marital problems in her..That makes me think that she is trying to pull him in closer to her..In a way I am hypocritical because I too have a male friend that I am just friends with..So why am I so jealous that my husband has a friend of the opposite sex? Which also adds to the dilema, because my friend told me that he loved me..And in shock, I said WHAT?? This isn't suppose to happen.. His response was I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that..I have been straight with him from the beginning about making my marriage work.. I love my husband and our children and want to make it work.. He respects that and wants me to know that he is there if I need him, but he does not want to get in between me and my husband..Of course that makes me think about what my husband and his friend are talking about..

My thing is, I want him back. I love him and want to be his wife.. But his outlook is so negative that he doesn't think trying to save our marriage is worth it..With work, school, union business, he doesn't know where the time will come from..He's not willing to give up any of those things for his marriage..Is it wrong to feel his priorities are in the wrong place?? We have been together for 15 years and married for 10 on July 7..We have 2 children 5 and 2..And yes, our kids have taken over our marriage..We didn't go out and the last time we did, I got mad about something and ruined the night..He's hanging on to that and I feel he's holding grudge just because we got in a fight at the company xmas party.. I believe I have included everything and yes I know it's a lot to take in.. It sure makes me feel better to talk about it though.. Just know that everyone around me is getting tired of hearing it.. But ya know, nothing else is on my mind right now..

How can I give him a positive outlook and convince him that we can do this?

Oh, welcome to MarriageBuilders, Bosbo!

I'm so sorry you have to be here for this reason...and I'm rejoicing you found this website. Saved my marriage.

Have you read all the articles (links to the right of your screen)...about the Love Bank (and you described well the love withdrawals you made...finances, etc.); Love Busters (LBs) and Emotional Needs (ENs)? There are Four Rules of Marriage to read about, as well...and they are awesome!

I think you already hit on something important...your male friend increased your suspicions of your H...which is important. Called projection. You can't have contact anymore with this male friend...he has stated his belief he loves you, and if he is married, you are obligated to inform his wife. This may be a one-sided Emotional Affair (EA), however, any more contact makes it two-sided.

Marriage is only for two people. When one of you puts another person ahead of your marriage, that's an affair. Whether you're sleeping together or not.

Good definition to live by...to know your marriage boundaries...protects the marriage even when you don't want to protect your H (if you're angry, resentful, etc.) You can honor your marriage even when you don't feel like honoring your H. And vice versa.

Can you see now why you believe your H of being unfaithful? He's putting other things, which are people, ahead of your marriage. He creates and holds resentments for your LBs...read up on the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA)...and understand you're not crazy. Do not allow yourself to have your needs met by others when your H isn't meeting them...that's your choice, about you, and who you don't want to be, I'm sure.

You also got how you got to this particular place...very fast, great learner in you...because you put children before marriage. Many of us did this...we're taught to do this...and it is really destructive, isn't it? See, nuturing and honoring a marriage takes time and boundaries, even with our children. And it is healthy for them to know the priority order. Why? Because our marriage is the most important thing they learn from...everything about life comes from how you treat each other, respect and consider one another...if you put your children first, then they do not learn these things...do they?

All words, no examples. I've been there. I did that. Until I stopped doing that.

You're also facing being married with young children...which takes a lot of time and a high awareness of your priorities...and you barely have the energy left...you're normal. You're not defective or wrong, Bosbo.

Know that.

Neither is your H.

You don't ruin evenings...you choose to hold onto and act from your feelings...would you consider you believe in 50/50...he gives half, you give half...you give to get; you earn love? Because you do, you expect him to?

You're about to learn how to live in freedom, responsibility and love...a whole new way to believe; and by changing your beliefs, you change your marriage.

Last thing you recognize which is MARVELOUS...you are now obsessed with your marriage...well, you're facing losing it, so that's understandable. And it brought you here, where we happily share what we learned...so maybe you can obsess in a healthier way.

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You cannot give him a positive outlook or convince him...no human has that power over any other. You can do Plan A, which is being authentic, eliminating LBs (which you do for you, because you don't want to be a disrespectful person); you identify his ENs; you do amends for your part, your actions...you own your own stuff and respect that H is responsible for his.

You learn that maybe you both thought you completed each other...which is not healthy...instead of complementing one another, which is...you are whole, Bosbo, complete and in no way defective. God didn't make no junk. Learn and know this about yourself...and see your H the same way.

Inject respect into your marriage. Learn to communicate all over again with listen and repeat. Lots of stuff you can do and examine in yourself...

Marriage is a dance...when you change, the steps change...and that changes everything.

Welcome!

LA

P.S. Your situation, where your H talks to a female co-worker outside of work, and believes he is bonded more to people at work because he spends more time there, does smack of an EA...I would advise you moving your post (cutting and pasting) to Infidelity General Questions II, which gets the most traffic...and people deal with spouses who put others in front of their marriage. Your choice. I'll follow you there, if you want.