I'll start by saying thank you to the entire staff here at Marriage Builders, over the past few days I have spent much time learning where I made invaluable mistakes in my relationship. I've learned that not only have I been stubborn, naive, selfish and insensitive, I very well may have ruined my family and my future. My fiance and I have been together over 4 yrs now, we have 3 wonderful children(sometimes) and a rough past. We've had our trials as well as our smiles, but every attempt she's made at approaching me in the past about what I needed to work on, fell on deaf ears. I took alot for granted, namely her love, now I'm seeing my life for what it really is, and I'm terrified I may have caused her enough pain in the past that I won't be able to rectify it.
I've read through almost every article, Q&A, and thought I could find here, have been putting forth every effort to make certain I don't fall back into my selfish routine. I've applied the basic concepts to my daily life as of a few days ago, but still I fear it won't be enough. I know it took years to tear away and I pray for an overnight miracle, which won't come, and I wonder if there may be more I need to do. I ask her every day, tell me what i can do, is what i'm doing helping, etc. I don't want it to seem as though I'm looking for recognition, and that's how it comes out, but I want to know from her if what I'mm attempting IS what she needs. I'm not certain about anything anymore, especially myself. I use to have a cocky confidence, now I feel lost, useless. I've expressed in everyway I know to her that I won't rest until she KNOWS I love her. Not just hears it when I say it, but feels it when I'm away. Any extra advice?

Welcome, MD2...

I think your post would be better served over in the Emotional Needs forum...Other Topics gets very little traffic, and your post is worth seeing...a lovely, honorable post.

Please take heart...there are many posters here who have experienced exactly what you have...awakened to a new way to live...and found true confidence, not cocky, and joy in their marriages.

You're not alone.

I would advise you to please stop asking her what she wants of you...understanding your past choices, your power, is quite a shake up...and I understand the need to listen where you ignored...

Have you filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaires? The Love Busters? The Recreational Companionship one? These are great to demonstrate your commitment, to show you've changed your beliefs. And to find out what her needs are, her language of love, so you will stop asking...

You can do this...and changing your beliefs and what actions you choose changes everything. Please stay present, and don't jump into the future...you don't know what it will be...and you can't change the past.

I did an amends list...owned all that I'd done and committed to not doing those things...included IB's, AO's, DJ's and SD's (from Love Busters).

I don't know if it did any good...I did it because I now believe in amends...we can't erase our damage, we can amend the present and not allow ourselves that behavior anymore...I did it for me.

I stated I now believed marriage was my priority...not my children. They came second. Family came third. Work came forth.

I began to listen and repeat...knowing that my H's thoughts, feelings and beliefs were not mine, but his...that I was not the cause, control or cure of those things..and I respected he wasn't of mine.

I changed my belief that I earned love...to love is a choice, my choice...and I act from that choice, not dependent on what H does.

You are on the road to freedom, responsibility and love...the three realities, MD2...healing yourself, loving and accepting your self...changes everything.

Welcome...you've added to my life with your post.

LA

From my deepest sincerity I offer thanks on the swift response. I've mentioned to her about the Questionaires and she shows sincere interest, especially considering they will show more what is needed between the two of us. I've also mentioned the PJE and there was a glimmer of hope. I've made an an extreme effort to do away with IB and am trying to incorporate more UA time by doing such. Many things that were a "great importance" once in my life (the past years) now aren't. She's been happy with the way we "live" though not secure, we get by. I've tried to get us beyond secure, made an attempt to further a career in music, while struggling in a career in construction. Another mistake, it took so much time away from her and our boys that I missed out on nearly 4 solid years. if I wasn't fixated on writing a song, or playing a game, or had a job to do after hours, it took it's course and I pushed us further apart. Then whe her attempts to bring to light my lacking affection, intimacy, and love, I got bitter, defensive, and withdrawn. All things that I've seen here and for some reason now, make perfect sense. I was reading another post you replied to and the woman, WTH, is on my fiance's end, she feels exhausted, worn down. She's put all this effort into trying that now she feels my words are empty. And the deepest fear in me worries that no amount of actions will make up for the weightless words.