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If you are HERE because you really want to recover your marriage
call the Harley's
Pep
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"move on"
meaningless term when discussing marriage
why not stay and fight for your family like a MAN
???????????
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With that said, perhaps some of the ladies are right... It may be time to move on. I just never thought "not being IN LOVE" was a good enough reason to leave. That isn't a good enough reason to leave....When your married, the "IN LOVE" leaves sometimes, and then comes back, and then again, it may not come back....that's where the love and friendship take over. I'm lucky...I'm still in love with my H. A reason to leave a marriage is few, but one is when you purposely continue to hurt your partner, even when you can stop it. I hope that's not what your trying to do, but I do believe it is what your doing.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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the collective "we" want YOU ... as a MAN who made mistakes & now desires to make his life right..... we want YOU to take the necessary steps to save your marriage WHY NOT DO THAT???? So far ... you have done next to nothing to fix this mess ... and there is HELP out there for you be SMART ask for HELP call the Harleys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Tell me Pepperband,
You would want your H to stay if he was not "In Love" with you? I am not saying that I do not love MY WIFE.
WE are recovered .... YES ... there was a time he was more "in love" with OW ... but that is not the case now... we are NUTZ about each other ....
MARRIAGE is worth fighting for
and LOVE is action
not feelings
Why would considering that possable outcome or use of that word be meaningless. Do you care to share your justification.
it is meaningless when you have taken ZERO actions to make things right for your FAMILY
Why the attack about being "a MAN"?
not an "attack"
more intended to be a challenge ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
rah rah rah
get up off your [censored] and make like a MAN who is willing to SAVE his FAMILY
I'm cheerleading you !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
So far I have stayed, so far I have shared the truth about how I really feel to a fourm that has been less than friendly.
so what?
we don't need to be your friend
YOU need to SAVE your FAMILY
I know what matters in life ... your wife and your kids (all 3 of them) ... and you will be a much better FATHER to all 3 of them if you become a wonderful HUSBAND to your wife
Tell me, should MY WIFE act like a lot of the ladies here on the board to save our marriage? How do you think she should act? What would you do?
if I were speaking to your wife, I would be saying something else ... but since I am speaking to a MAN ... I want him to MAN UP
Your wife has been eviscerated ... her wounds are fresh ... she needs some care ... why not take care of her yourself?
Would you fight like a WOMAN, or just say, "it's up to you bub"?
It is up to you ....Mr T ... your wife cannot be "the man" ... that's your job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
YOU will like yourself a lot more if you take the steps and work Harley's Plans to fall back in love with your wife....
I am writing this FOR YOU
because
eventually
you will look back on this and wish you had acted THE MAN
and I want the best for you
Pep
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In other words... screw your marriage...
yep
"OW referal"
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Well, I joined in too late? T.H. says he's not coming back... I wrote a long post yesterday but the page was lost. TH asked: how long did it take for you to allow your children to know the OC? 6 years How long did it take for you to accept the OC as a part of your family? Months after getting to know OC through visitation. On advise of a counselor and by Policy of Joint Agreement (H and I) we took visitation VERY slowly and were willing to break it off if XOW caused big problems. It does not help anyone, including OC, if the adults are fighting. How did you setup communication with the OW concerning the OC? NOTHING SOLO. All that he said (in writing or over phone) when we were long distance I sent or listened in on, and everything she sent he let me open first. With visitation, I've handled over 90% of the contact and H has never been alone with XOW. I believe the W thinks of the OC as a “product of Evil”. Is this a normal reaction from all wives in the beginning (first 4 months)? I would not presume to speak on "normal" reaction. There is nothing normal about this! Her life just turned into a nightmare! It turns everything you thought you knew upsidedown, insideout, and the level of grief is akin to the death of a child. 4 months is nothing when you consider professionals say give 2 YEARS for recovery from adultery when it does not include a child outside the marriage!! You've had 4 years to get to know this child, develop a relationship, consider how you'll explain things to her, to your other kids, to your friends and family... THIS IS HUGE. If you think it's easy to explain OC on a daily basis, you're delusional; this is HARD STUFF. Get another counselor. Call the Harleys. Read every article at marriagebuilders and do the quizzes with your wife--they are really good! Get "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. And for God's sake, quit seeing the XOW without your wife knowing, quit living your double life! You are right that it takes 2 to make this work, but you should totally commit to at least a 1 year period of repairing your marriage regardless. IF you leave this marriage without seriously working on your issues, you're VERY likely to carry the same baggage into the next relationship, different wife, same issues. The statistics on a subsequent marriage are lots worse... I thought hard about that when deciding whether to stay with my H. TH, I hope your marriage makes it as mine did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> J married 19 years 3 kids of the marriage OC almost 8yo--yep, I love her but it didn't happen quickly!
Last edited by Jenny; 06/15/06 09:04 PM.
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. -Mother Teresa
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Ladies,
Thanks for the advice.
I don't plan to revisit this thread.
My orginal question have been answered and then some.
I wish you all well. Hmmm. Was the work too hard...or the truth? The world may never know.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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It is really too bad, TH that you could not man up enough to take the truth and use it for the good of your marriage and children. I think perhaps you were looking for justification to leave your W. You will not find it here at a site dedicated to saving marriages. As Pepperband so aptly put it, you have to fix the marriage before you bring the OC into it or the marriage will "bleed out".
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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FF & Kimmy if a newbie resists marriage building discussions right off the bat ... there is not much we can do to help he won't even discuss STEPS & PLAN to recover .... his purpose, at this time, is certainly NOT compatable with what this forum offers too bad he seems like a nice enough man just terribly foggy and possibly being "puppet-stringed" by hidden OW hands [color:"blue"] "Your wife will never be allowed to be with our OC daughter .... go look at MB forum & see how awful BW behave"[/color] .... her handprints are all over his back ... pushing him OUT the marriage .... what they don't realize is ... after a 4 year affair , it becomes a destructive lifestyle ... and leaving his marriage is the WORST thing for HIM ... establishes a pattern of HIS FAILURE to fix his brokenness .... and this will be a very heavy burden for him to carry the remainder of his life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> oh well ... maybe he'll be back poor kids ... another family bites the dust caught in the terrible jaws of infidelity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Pep PS ... I LOVED Jenny's post !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/16/06 11:01 AM.
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he seems like a nice enough man
just terribly foggy
and possibly being "puppet-stringed" by hidden OW hands My thoughts exactly, Pep. Plus it is never a waste of effort or breath as you never know who else is reading here.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks FF
that was encouraging !
Pep
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Over a period of time, I had fallen in love with this woman. She was my best friend.
I had worked with her for about 2 years before anything happened. Are you still in love with her? If so, then spare your wife...and leave. About 4 ½ months ago I finally told my wife about the A. I fully had expected her to leave me. I had admitted to my W that I did love the OW. To my surprise, she wanted to work things out. I had stated fully that I want a relationship with my daughter. She said at first, “Of course, she is your child”. This made me rethink a lot as to weather I wanted to stay in my marriage. I thought wow, could this woman I have been married to all these years really have that depth of compassion? I decided to try and make it work. You made the decision to the have the affair. Now it is time to make the right decision and decide where you want to be. You tell her that you want a relationship with your daughter...and because her answer is "of course" then you rethink whether you want to stay in the marriage? The reasons to stay in a marriage have nothing to do with how she accepts your child from an affair...it has to do with whether you want to be married, and whether you love your wife, because irregardless of anything else, those are the important elements. About a month later, I started to work out the detail with OW as to how we should do CS and visitation. OW had some demanding stipulations, but considering the circumstance I understood why and agreed You have no problems accepting the OW's stipulations, irregardless of how demanding, but can't fathom your wife's discontent? You do sound as though you have more respect for the OW. Did you consider the circumstances your wife and children have been placed in? Did you understand that? What were some of the stipulations made by the OW? I will say now, that I will accept divorce before I will give up my daughter. I have made this clear to the W. I know to some this may not sound fair, but I will not go though this life hating myself for abandoning my girl. I just see it as wrong. Regardless what I have done, she is innocent and deserve to know her father and brothers. She IS family. I can understand you wanting to have a relationship with your daughter, that's your perogative, but if divorce is what you want, don't wait for her, go for it. Don't put her through a whole bunch of foolishness. You say you don't want to abandon your daughter, but you have no problems abandoning your wife and sons. You did that when you had the affair. They are family too. Just as the OW has stipulations concerning your daughter, and considering the circumstances, you agreed and understood...I don't understand why you can't understand that your wife has stipulations concerning your son's and considering the circumstances, you can't agree and understand. What I'm hearing from you has nothing to do with your daughter, in my opinion. I think your still in love with the OW, and your looking for your wife to do the hard work and divorce you. Listen, if your not happy and your pining away for another woman, you will be doing your wife a favor by leaving. This would give her an opportunity to find the love and support that she deserves. With that decision comes repercussions. These repercussions are all YOUR fault. I don't care how uncommunicative or how anything your wife was, she was your wife, and if you wanted something else, you should have been man enough to leave. I feel so very sorry for her and your son's because I'm not getting the impression that their best interest is in your heart. I understand that you have daughter and that you want her in your life, but due to the circumstances, that's not going to be any easy transition. You and the OW made one ****** of a bed. If I have any sympathy, I have it for your W and your COMs...you and the OW seem to be looking for the OC, you seem to be focused on her. Let me ask you a question...how do you think your son's will feel? Because Daddy fooled around, our family is now separated? Does that matter? I could not have said this better. Well said and I agree.
Divorced
COM:Three (7,6 and 3 years old)
COPM:Two(13, 12 years old)
D-day 05/01/01
Recovery 05/01-10/04
Divorce Finalized 04/2006
Oc is 7 and still NC on ex-h's part.
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TH, what you don't get coming from the WS perspective (and I was a WS many years ago)is until you completely end the A and go NC with the OW, you cannot fully love and appreciate your W. Your view of your W and your M is colored by your A. Read the boards. Not just this board. Go to InRecovery, General Questions 2, Just Found Out. Read the posts of BS's and FWS (yes former)and the posts of WS trying to end the A. You will see that all come from the same WS handbook. What you feel, think, see it is nothing new. Nothing unique.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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YOU need to fix YOUR brokenness ~before~ you can be a good husband & a great daddy and leaving your marriage without your stellar effort is conflict avoiding and that is a trait you want to dump don'cha? Call Harleys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Pepster <~~~ broken record <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
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I was trying to find a "baseline" on what to expect. I guess that is the engineering part of me comming out. remember you build a relationship like an engineer builds a bridge start with a solid FOUNDATION you are asking your WIFE to build a bridge to include OC ... based on a broken foundation and there IS NO foundation for the relationship with OW ... it was build of rotten material (lies, deception, conflict avoiding, morals collapsing) WE want YOU to be happy and you cannot be happy if you detest yourself, your foundation start building yourself up call Harleys Pep <~~~ annoying little twerp
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