Oh no no no!

Way to skew that moral compass. This is a no-win situation for your sons, because at this tender age, you present an innocent but illegitimate child to them as their sister - and you've basically "normalized" polygamy or adultery - either way, the child - particularly boys, get a warped sense of fidelity. This is way too young Troubled Husband!! Way too young. The consequences on their little heads is why the scriptures prophecy that the sins of the fathers will be upon the heads of the children to the 3rd and 4th generation. You are dooming your sons to be unfaithful to their wives and therefore their children, unless you jetison your romantic notion of your children all growing up happy together. This fantasy is not going to be your reality and you will see your grand children and possibly your grandchildren suffer at your hands unless you get a grip!

Please consult with a Christian counselor who specializes in children; and do not proceed to "merge" your families until way later, under the qualified Christian child counselor!!!

Those children should NOT meet each other until that child expert with a discipline in moral Christian methods says that you will not harm your sons by so doing!!!

I *heart* this forum !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Pep

Lynn,

Do you really read what I write?

"Well my W decided she could not deal with the boys going with me after all. I did not argue the point, I just said that perhaps we could address this at another time."

What part of this do you not get? I think I left this pretty open ended and the ball in her court. There was no threat of leaving.

I know your feelings about OC's, not everybody shares those feelings.

Everybody,

But there is an update.

My wife is open to letting the boys go again. She said this on her own accord. I droped the subject after the last no.

She just wants to know how we would explain it to the boys.
Suggestions?

The boys are 6 and 3.

suggestion:

wait until your marriage is fixed

Because she is waffling, I'm sensing she is very insecure about this.

How about them missing this visit in order to give her a little more healing...

Just a suggestion.

As for telling your little guys, My Leo is 6. He realizes the OC have a different mommy...and that's it. No details yet, but he hasn't asked either.

TH, "...I said perhaps we could address this at another time..." May I ask you a question? Your wife is hurt, and you seem to keep hammering the oc into her face. Are you listening to her?

In a previous post you write:

"My wife and I had a long discussion last night. To be honest, I thought I was going to leave. The W did something different, she really heard me this time. I think she really got it"...................

That to me reads like the problem is HER not bending to YOUR will and only YOUR issues are ones that matter. Your issue being the oc.

Do YOU listen to HER? Have YOU heard HER? When are YOU going to get it that the oc is not some blessed event to everyone.

I have stated on here a million times that the only children I advocate for are the children of the marriage. They need protection from those who willingly do them harm.
Does this mean I wish ill-will on the oc? Nope. Not at all. It means that I want to help BW's protect their children from getting run over by the manipulative "what is best for oc" bus. The COM are innocent too, even more so in my opinion. They come first and foremost to the BW and they need see someone fighting for them. I am indifferent to the oc needs.

Two different statements from one post to the other. Not sure if you said the words (which you do put it in words here) but even if not you put that vibe into and your wife felt it. BS is picking up alot of vibes and are really on their toes


And it is not that Lynn is against OC situtation, just like she said her first priority is with the COM which is the way it is suppose to be!!!! She has her priorities straight which is what you need to be doing!!!

Still waiting for some replies on what I asked you ealier, what have you put into you wife's LB?

And what kind of score did you get on that test???? How many needs of your wife's was you not meeting???

Why is the issue of the oc visiting your children with your wife even an issue right now? It is obvious from her behavior, and yours, that your family is no where near ready for more conflict. What is the big deal here?

Why can't it wait until your marriage is healed, your wife feels safe. Why make her and her children suffer. What is the hurry? What is the benefit to your wife and her children?

TH - Are you going to address my suggestion that I had already given to the question you just asked?

Or is it just too far from your fantasy of merged families that you can't hear/read it?

KaylaAndy,

I have gotten used to people being rude to me on this forum.

Hard/Blunt questions are fine. Character attacks I’m getting tired of. I just may start to ignore some of those posts. Starting with yours!

I don’t owe you an answer. I may choose to answer you.

LynnG holds a special place in my heart; this really doesn’t apply to her.

I was actually at this moment considering starting a new thread, as this one has gotten very big and is a pain to load. My delay in answering is due to the fact I have a JOB and was spending time with the FAMILY.

The Family and Bosses demands come before answering questions on MB.

Perhaps if you were willing to rephrase the question, I might be more inclined to answer!

I asked my (deployed) DH's opinion of your deliemma. He replied:


"Hmmmm. I'd tell him to wait till his wife has made up her mind. The kids are going to be around forever and they'll always be related. It doesn't have to be right now."


PLEASE REALIZE that telling children is essentially telling the WORLD!!!!!! That is why you should wait until your wife is ready! Small kids don't stay quiet about anything. They tell their teachers, their friends, and strangers in stores random bits your personal information!! It's ALL out of the closet!


As for actually telling the kids (doesn't have to be today!), you should cater to their ages: Big Bird style, simple but accurate, with emphasis on making them feel secure in their lives. Decide ahead with your wife and practice or write it down, a script. Some people even do this in counseling (with a family counselor present).

For me, it was important for Daddy to say that what he did (being with another woman while married to Mommy) was WRONG! I do not want my kids thinking this is how married life should go!!


Another reason to not have visitation between the children at this time is, you say XOW may take the child long distance in the near future. Why let them get close, then possibly miss each other when she's gone most of the year? Ouch.

Speaking from experience,
J

I'll take out the "corrective" assessment and restate the question and the suggestion
If you work this through from a ministry perspective, they can help you protect your sons so that infidelity is only a consequence for you, and not on their innocent heads.

I didn't mean to offend you; however, I speak from the perspective of the OC and the harm my mother did to me and the OM's children of the marriage by cheating on my father - the man I consider to be my father.

There is value for you in my perspective, but if you decide that it's a rude response unworthy and without merit, I will not post again to assist you. Your sons and daughter and wife will continue to be in my prayers, as well as you - for a higher power would definitely help you understand the passion in messages like mine. I have a 46 year perspective on parental infidelity, that unfortunately, I have found here, isn't unique.

TH, I really don't mean to offend you, if I did, I am sorry.

I am always looking out for the wife and her children. I see them as the primary victims in these situations. I worry that they are manipulated into thinking if they don't like the oc or want oc around, this mess is twisted into somehow being their fault. That the "poor oc" is all that matters, and that the wife/COM are wrong. They did not create this unnatural mess. Yet are expected to somehow make it better for everyone, no matter how they may feel.

My first and only concern is for them. Please please take them into consideration and really listen to her. Your children are way to young to have an understanding of infidelity, etc. Why would you want to rip their world apart and make it uneasy, scary and freakish? Let them enjoy their childhoods without the drama and upheaval of the oc around. If/when you and your wife should decide on including the oc into your family, it has to be as a whole, not just you and the kids. THAT will make your COM wonder why mommy isn't around. Or are you planning on bringing your COM around the ow/oc, without mom. How upsetting and scary is that for those kids?

Slow down. Let this family heal first THEN see if the oc will be accepted or not. This is where you need to really hear your wife. She may decide a million different things before she heals. Give her time. As for the oc, she may never want oc around. Either way, it is a discussion that doesn't need to be addressed yet. You are trying to fix your marriage, fine. That should be primary, that and your marital family. They are the ones that you have betrayed, they are the ones you have hurt. They are the ones you need to make safe.

I want to add that there can be a positive theme to recovery: healing, repentence, and forgiveness. Even though it was terribly wrong (you must be able to admit at any time that you WERE WRONG) and set a bad example for the children, God (and you) can make good things come from/through/after the bad.

My children did not immediately understand what it all meant when we told them of their half-sister. In has come from months and years of their growing and continuing to ask questions, of seeing how strong our marriage is, of learning Christian values and having infidelity, personal responsibility, being sorry, forgiveness, etc. explained.

Our story has also made a positive impact on some adults in our lives, an example of love and forgiveness and appropriate BOUNDARIES (visitation boundaries).

Your wife may fear being or being seen as a doormat. I'm laying out a different vision.
J

And she should, listen to her, she dosnt beat around the brush and she dosnt look thru rose colored glasses, she states the fact even tho it is not what some want to hear it is the truth with no fancy foot work around it.

I have read alot of her post, and to the truth when I first found this site, I was at my wits end but reading her posts gave me strength, it gave me the guts to do what I need to do for what is right. contact or no contact she is there for support as long as it done right.

She my idol lol

I do intend to respned to questions. It is just a busy day at work today.

KaylaAndy,

I will address your concerns. Your perspective is important to me. I just ask for some basic courtesy. I am hear to listen and contribute like everyone else.


TH

Update,

I decided not to take the boys tonight. The W said I could, but Kimmy made me have second thoughts.

I will go in more detail when I have more time.

I know your wife loves you very much....

I KNOW it.

Thank you for doing this for her. I know it's something *I* have to thank you for....but still.

I'm relieved.

Tell your dw that I'm here if she needs me. In fact, the Wookie has to work tonight and all day tomorrow, so she can call ANYTIME!

Hug your wife for me.

Kimmy

Post deleted by TroubledH