My exWS and I worked on reconciliation for a short time. He told me upfront that he could never abandon a child of his. It was somewhat easier for us as we had children from previous marriages only. No shared biological children.

I told him that I could and would only take it one step at a time. That I could make no commitments or guarantees about my capacity to accept and love the OC. If I couldn't accept and love the OC, I didn't feel it was fair to be in the OC's life. At that time the OC hadn't been born. The OW was 7 months pregnant.

I took it step by step. Facing the reality of an OC.....deciding to meet the OC....allowing myself to feel exactly what I felt with no internal censorship. The OC in our case was born with Down's Syndrome. This added an additional concern about his capacity for independent living down the road.

The first time the OC (6 months old) came over for a visit, I asked to hold him and give him his bottle. I fell in love with him as he nuzzled next to me and gradually fell asleep in my arms! The little angel!

Unfortunately, in spite of all his promises, and my willingness to have the OC in our lives, my exWS never left the OW. I really don't know if I could have handled the reality of having to have the OW in our lives forever. She was extremely immature and self-centered. She literally threw screaming fits when she didn't get her way. Of course she was only 21 and we were 47!

Guess what I'm trying to get across is that I agree with others who suggested you hang around here because the challenges have just begun! Yes, there's a start. But, there's a whole lot of realities to still deal with. Ones that haven't even been experienced yet. Not just talked about. Do yourself and your wife a favor. Don't think all is resolved now because YOU feel better about the OC situation being in the open and your W's willingness to meet the OC. Your W. needs time to do her healing on her terms in her timeframe...even if she accepts the OC into her life.

"I know there are much better ways to handle things like this, but at least now I don’t have this nagging feeling that we are headed for divorce. It was a feeling I just couldn’t shake till now."

Of course, YOU got YOUR way as usual, so now you're happy for 5 minutes.

"I don’t expect there to be much more for me to post on this thread. I will still read and respond to posts."

You sure seem confident that you know it all and the people here who have walked more than a mile in the shoes you are wearing know diddly. They are right, you are arrogant and have no consideration for what you have done to your wife. BUT, I have confidence that you will get yours in the end. Something will happen in the future and you will look back on your actions with great regret.

I feel for your wife, she needs to have someone in her life who holds her and her feelings and the feelings of the children he created with her in higher regard. You talk about all of her shortcomings, I bet you were a real gem to live with for the last 4 years while you were living a double life. Neglecting your children of time that you should have spent with them. Shame on you.

TroubledH~~

I continue to pray for you.

~~ CalifWoman

Post deleted by TroubledH

Post deleted by TroubledH

You have good reason to distrust your judgement.

Your marriage decisions need to be POJA decisions, not ~~~> Mr T decisions that make Mrs T quietly miserable.

Pep

Post deleted by TroubledH

I just registered so that I could post to you.

My heart just breaks for your wife and your children, including your dd.

Your expectations of everyone but yourself is truly amazing.

You have an A for 4 years! You have a child from this A that has existed for 3 years! You come on here and talk about what your wife does or does not do for you! But hey, as long as you are having a "good day" right? Are you this selfish and arrogant with everyone or is your family the only lucky ones?

YOU have changed their past, their present and their future! YOU have destroyed their sense of security, what they know to be true and what they hold dear. And then you expect them all to man up and do the right thing. YOU have been doing the absolute wrong thing for the past 4 years. How can you expect more of them?

Your only saving grace is the fact that your wife is willing to give you another chance AND your children are too young to put 2 and 2 together.

WAKE UP! And realize what you have been given here!

Words such as "I'm sorry", "I was wrong", "I shouldn't have done that", "If I could change things, I would" are only words. They mean nothing if your actions don't match. Show your wife and your children your remorse, your sorrow and your desire to be a solid family. Actions speak volumes over words.

And just a tip...having an A is anything but loving towards your children. When you cheat on their mother, the person they probably love the very most in this world, you cheat on them. You bring deceit, pain and anger into their lives. Having an A is not the actions of a good parent. Don't get me wrong, I believe you love your children, but for the past 4 years, your wants were more important than their needs. How sad for them...and for you once you realize exactly what you have done.

Pep, you can mail me if you want the info.

TH - tell your dw that I've been thinking about her A LOT the past couple of days.

She's got my # if she needs me. I'm still here.

- Kimmy

Post deleted by TroubledH

Kimmy,

I will tell her.

Thanks,
TH

My story is your story years ago!

And you are right...we don't know what is actually going on in your home...only what you post here.


As I said, my heart breaks for your wife and all your children. You've put them in a position no one should have to be.

>You've put them in a position no one should have to be.


So?

It's not up to YOU to keep harping on and on about.

It's up to HIM to man up.

He's trying.

The only way he knows how.

It's up to us to show him the way.

How are you doing that by slamming him?

>So?

It's not up to YOU to keep harping on and on about.

It's up to HIM to man up.

He's trying.

The only way he knows how.

It's up to us to show him the way.

How are you doing that by slamming him?


I was just voicing my opinion like everyone else on this thread has. I do find it interesting you pick mine to call out, especially since some other posts have been a lot more "slamming and harping", but then I am new, and I guess there is a sense of comfort in that.

chelseagirl, if your only comments to TH and on this board are judgemental then you may get responses like Kimmy's back. Kimmy FTR is not someone that would "get comfort" from hurting anyone.

Why don't you tell us your story and what brought you here? We may learn something. We all have a story.

You have asked the same question I asked my self over and over and over again. It frustrates the he#% out of me.

Actually I filed for divorce when I confirmed the affair. I moved out as did he. (He had already moved out one time several months earlier and then asked to come back. We started counseling then, and he did move back in. He denied any affair then,too) Hadn't found MB site. Besides, he'd been lying to me for well over a year about the whole mess. We had invested money in marriage counseling for at least six months with him denying having an affair. I had gotten a treatable STD from him/her which he denied could have possibly happened. I told him several times if he wasn't happy in our marriage then leave. Sure, I would grieve, but at least it would be a "clean" grief.

Guesses:
-He's still cake eating

-Feels so guilty about what he did that he feels he has to be punished so he doesn't allow himself to reconcile.

-Concerned about how well the OW can adequately parent
their OC without him to monitor.

-If he truely has feelings of love for me like he claims, maybe being with me would be a constant reminder of his betrayal of someone he really loves.

-It's easier in some ways to be with the OW. My exWS is a recovering alcoholic. The OW and he met in AA. She had little to nothing to her name. It was easy for him to be a big hero to her by doing very little. As he increased his clean and sober time (6 years) I was expecting more of him in terms of sharing responsibilities.

-Midlife crisis. Trophy woman? Although I hear that other than being younger than me ...she's a real loser.

-He feels he has nothing to offer me. He was in a terrible motorcycle accident about a year after we divorced. He is now on disability and has life long major body damage.He said at one time that he had nothing to offer me. He felt that the accident was God's way of getting even for the way he used me. I told him that I didn't buy it beause if that was the case there'd be a whole lot of injured folks running around in the world due to affaris. Funny thing is, he makes more on S.S. Disability than he did as a contractual house painter when we were married!

-He knows the OW will accept and keep him. I told him that he would have to move out of their place and start going to Indiv. counseling before I would consider sharing living space with him again.

-Alcholics/addicts like chaos. They know how to deal with chaos. They don't quite know what to do with peace and calm.

-He loves her, too. Or loves my nurturing and her youth.

I really wish I knew. Jeez, I wish I knew..........

>chelseagirl, if your only comments to TH and on this board are judgemental then you may get responses like Kimmy's back. Kimmy FTR is not someone that would "get comfort" from hurting anyone.

Why don't you tell us your story and what brought you here? We may learn something. We all have a story.


Well since Kimmy felt the need to jump on my post when there were several more in this thread more judgemental or to use her words slamming and harping, I can only assume she felt comfortable doing that because I am new.

I will admit my first post wasn't very understanding, except for the fact I understand exactly what his wife and children, although they are young and can't possibly comprehend it all, are going through. As for telling my story, I didn't feel comfortable posting before, I certainly don't now. The first response back to me wasn't very welcoming or understanding either.

Sorry for this TJ, TH.



Yes there were several more that jumped in THs Koolaid...but THEY were established members with well known stances.

You stated you specifically logged in to speak to him, and then blasted the heck out of him. I found it shocking that someone would take the time out to login JUST to lash out at someone else...specially someone who is ASKING for help.

Yeah. There are those that don't believe him. There are those who are also jumping in his post toasties....but to login JUST to do it??? Erg.



As for this:



No. I did it because you criticized TH then gave him little or no direction to fix himself.


You DID say:



Which ITA with. BUT TH is a guy...and an engineer type guy at that. Not only does he need to know what he needs to do, he needs step by step instruction. Like, um, hitting him over the head with the Harley's phone number till he dials and talks to them out of self defense (if that's what it takes).

And TH...as for this:



ITA with it. BUT...tho the sadness never goes away fully, and there is always a smidge of pining for "what should have been", YOU CAN MAKE THIS AS RIGHT AS IT CAN BE FOR EVERYONE. It's in YOUR power.

You've taken a couple of baby steps towards doing the right thing. I'm NOT giving you credit for attempting to call the Harleys on a weekend. Not even a smidge. C'mon now. This is a BW who's seen it all. YOU CALLED ON THE WEEKEND. How dense do you think we are? That's not a REAL attempt. A real attempt is picking up the phone RIGHT NOW and making the appointment...THEN KEEPING IT.

Got that?

Now go hug your wife.

- Kimmy

TH - I had an affair, it was several years ago, so I am further down the road in my recovery. Whether you stay with your wife or not is between the two of you. I would just like to see you stop making ultimatums on her that if she doesn't bend to your will on your very fast timeline, you will walk. Half of time she has been married to you has been a lie. She has been shaken to the core. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you react? You have to always be thinking that. Now when I look back I am appalled at myself, I know I wouldn't want to be treated the way I treated my H.

If you do D your wife, try to do so in a manner that leaves her feeling like it wasn't 100% her fault. I know we only know what you post, but you do seem to blame her a lot. I guess what I am trying to say is don't kick someone when they are already down. Treat her with as much compassion as you can. She is your wife and the mother of your children, she deserves at least that much.

My sincere apologies to TH for my attack and thread jack. I realize now I should not have posted. I do not feel comfortable here, so I will leave it at that.

Good luck with all your family and you are dealing with. It's tough all the way around.

And to Kimmy, point taken. I also wanted to point out that when I said I just registered to post to him, I meant I just then registered not I just registered so I could post to him but I see how it reads that way.

I do hope other new members won't let their emotions get the better of them before properly introducing themselves. Word of advice if they do, ask about their pain before calling them out, it could make a world of difference.