I met with WH today with our marriage therapist. WH has said he is going to file for divorce. So far, his parents don't know about the A. In fact, WH hasn't told them much about anything. All I know is that my ILs think that this divorce is due to my bad temper and our communication problems.

My Christian WH has abandoned his church and our Bible Study (which he used to lead). The A has taken his spiritual life. It has been so sad to see him live this life of sin, deceit and betrayal.

OW is a co-worker and WH can get fired for this. I haven't told his boss because I'm scared WH will flip out on me and retaliate.

Since filing for D is on the horizon, what is the best approach to take? I'm meeting with my ILs this Thursday night. My ILs have been very close to me. Because I want to reconcile (is that crazy?), I want my time with my ILs to be relatively good. I don't want to create any friction.

What's the best way to go about this? I don't want them to turn against me. Since I want to reconcile with WH, I don't him to turn against me too.

I'll be prepared with documentation of the A if the ILs are in denial of their "perfect son" committing sin.

It's just so tough. I'm really scared.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

I'll let the experts give you specific advice, all I can say is LISTEN to them and EXPOSE. I'll tell you my story....

I had 2 d-days, because I didn't expose after the first one. I didn't listen to any of the information here, although I had started reading ... after the first d-day, I moved out of the house, snuck around and didn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to "think badly" of my H, I didn't want to hurt his career, I didn't want to hurt his family .... I thought I was "protecting him". Guess what --- I was actually PROTECTING THE AFFAIR and giving it room to KEEP HAPPENING.

He swore that it was over, he'd never see her again, I moved back in the house. We were going to marriage counseling and trying to work on things (I thought). But then two weeks later, I caught him with her again. This time, I thought there was no hope and I was done with the marriage. I told my family, and he told his. Everyone around us knew what was going on ... he just "wanted to keep it away from work".

When he was around us or family, he was great, remorseful, willing to work on things, etc. But at work he still had contact with OW. Would go "chat" with her and hang out and joke around. He thought they could be "friends". It took several 2x4's from people like Melody Lane and Noodle and others to get me to expose to his work. H beat me to the punch, but I still sent letters to all of his and her bosses, telling them what was going on and asking them to help me save my marriage. And I will tell you that every one of those people are helping me now. Even the ones who originally told me they "were not the moral police" and asked me why I was stirring up such a mess for my H. They are all keeping those two so far apart now that the OW is starting to freak out and pull silly stunts to try to get attention. H is pretty disgusted with her, and her bosses are not at all pleased.

This all happened because of EXPOSURE. I know it's scary to do it. I fought some really smart long-timers here tooth and nail about exposing to my H's work. But I can't state enough how much good it did in the end.

So TELL your in-laws. Tell them you want to save your marriage and you'd like thier help. They are in a position to put pressure on your H to end the affair. And TELL the boss. YOU wouldn't be getting him fired, his ACTIONS would be. Ask the boss for help in breaking up the affair and saving your marriage. Maybe even tell him that you don't want your H fired (although if she works there, it may not be so bad for him to have to go somewhere else).

Yes, your H will be mad. But they get over that. Your marriage definitely IS over if you keep letting your spouse keep secrets and protecting him and his Affair. But you have a chance to reconcile (and no, I don't think it's crazy that you want to reconcile) if you do everything you can to end the affair. And that means exposure.

Good luck and hang in there. It's a rough ride from here, but if you want to save your marriage, it's worth it.

Ready - the first step is to stop the affair. The most effective way to do that is exposure. You will get a lot of support here on how to do it best - but it MUST happen soon. Definately tell his parents. I will let others counsel you on telling his supervisor at work - but it is likely that you will be advised to tell them, too. Sure he may loose his job. but if the marriage is saved - then it is worth it.

Have you read any of Harley's books? The first one to read is Surviving An Affair. You must read it soon. If you spend hours here reading the material Dr. Harley provides free, you will get most of the main ideas. A great start is here.

You can survive this, and it is likely that you marriage can survive. It is time to get on your knees.

Your husband is not the only one who will have to change. A lot of what you read about surviving affairs is about changing yourself.

It is late, and you may not get a lot of good answers till tomorrow. But they will come. There are many wise people here. Do yourself a favor and get your recovery started by LISTENING TO THEM.

You can trust the vets here.

Almost every person on this forum has been in your shoes (or your husband's).

I will pray for you.

foundareason

ready - please see my post to you, "To: ready2wait", from yesterday, 13/06.

WAT

Thanks for advice, worthatry, amiwalsh, and foundareason.

I have another question: How do I go about contacting H's boss? Is it by phone call or in-person? Do I make an appointment? If it is an appointment, what is the reason I should give?

I think what outrages me most is that I saw H and OW at a concert on Saturday. I was so ticked! I was actually at the concert with church friends and as I turned around H and OW were sitting rows behind us. I climbed over there and confronted him. I was horrified. But, I kept my calm. The more I think about this incident, the more I was justice. This is ridiculous. It makes me ill to know that they see each other 7 days a week. Since he moved out at the end of April, I feel like I've given him more freedom to be in this disgusting A. UGH!

Yes, I read the book SAA which is why I joined this website. What a blessing.

Do you all think that I'm racing against the clock since H is going to be filing soon?

Oh, another question, what about telling H's co-workers?

At our marriage counseling appt yesterday, he claimed he told one of his co-workers who is also friends with me. I'm not sure how much I believe this one considering how much he's lied since the A. I think he's trying to cover his tracks before I get to his work.

He warned me about not telling a particular friend of his who works there because "I could get fired, you know." What??? Why didn't you think of this before you slept with the OW??? What an idiot!

This A has gone on since March. I have had enough. Looking through the phone records and credit card bills make me sick.

Your feedback is appreciated. I'm getting nervous about all of this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

RTW - do you have any children with him?

What kind of business to they work in?

I suggest you expose to family, friends, church folks, etc. before the work place. (I will say not all will agree with me.) The reason for this suggestion is that "closer in" exposure may be sufficient without jeopardizing employment. Surgical strike vs carpet bombing.

As for him filing for divorce and you being too late - nope. It's not instant. This is part of the reason I asked about children. Having minor children builds in mandatory waiting periods in many US jurisdictions.

What are your legal arrangements for the separation? Did you split up finances, etc.?

WAT

WAT,

We don't have children.

They work for the staffing industry. The entire office has no morals. It's disgusting. OW totally knew my H is married but pursued him anyways. A's are common there, unfortunately.

I have exposed to church but when they confronted him, he just left the church. I've told some of his friends but they are uncomfortable confronting him. Should I tell his friends to confront him? We fear H will turn away.

H told his best friend about the A and he encouraged it. No wonder, he told his bf! This is the only guy that will condone it.

Legal arrangements: We split our finances. We don't have much. He's definitely hurting for cash now that he's paying rent for his own apt. It's sad because he'll pay for hotel rooms to have an A but can't pay for a belated b-day gift for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

About the in-laws, what if they defend their son? Do I bring out the evidence? What if they start getting upset with me? (I think they will because they are very proper people. Very reserved and well-to-do. This would crush them.)

I am in a very similiar situation.

But we have a history of work infidelities.

I feel that I have created an environment that 'made it safe' to carry on at work and here we are 4 years later and the same old same old is happening. I think it may be too late for us.

Don't listen to him about getting fired. Look at exposing to IL's as saving him from himself. When you got married it was to be you and your family above work.

EXPOSE - and don't let him talk you out of it!

BW - 31
WH 31
2 perfect daughters 1 & 2
First D-day 3/02 (not fully revealed)
Second D-day 1/05 (fully disclosed details)
Third D-day June 3, 2006

As for work place exposure, you said earlier that you thought they both might get fired. This recent description suggests no one will care. What do you really think? My recollections with work place exposure described on this forum is that is rarely produces the desired results. There are exceptions, however. The US military is one such excpetion.

They probably will. Very typical. The ole blood and water thing. Quite rare that in-laws side with the BS. Nonetheless, expose to them and bring out the evidence - the more stark the better. Let's see how proper they are? This exposure may be your best weapon. Stay calm and repeat your mantra that you are not telling them to hurt them or your H - that you want to remove the secrecy with hopes that you can restore your marriage. This is NOT crazy! This is normal! You did say, "in good times and in bad", right?

What evidence to you have to share with the in-laws? Consider giving them a copy of SAA.

Have you demonstrated your Plan A improvements to the extent he'll let you? What kind of personal improvements have you made?

WAT

Based on past experiences at his office, employees have been fired for an A. Six months ago, someone was fired for an A with the receptionist. My WH was telling me about it and couldn't believe it- of course, this was when we were happily married. I never saw this one coming. Why can't be WH learn from other people's mistakes?

I have a strong feeling that WH will be fired, if not, maybe OW will be. WH's boss loves him so he may keep his job and just be disciplined. Either way, WH has gotten away with this A and it has to be exposed. Everyone at his office thinks WH is a saint. Yeah, right.

How should I expose A to WH's boss? I'd love to sit down with him to show the proof of the A. That would make WH sweat.

The evidence that I have are the cell phone bills, OW's love letter, and cred card charges for hotel rooms.

I'm made improvements upon myself in terms of my communication methods and anger issues. I have been meeting with my own therapist to work on my own issues that I brought to the M. Plan A was ineffective for me because I didn't expose the way I should have. The selective and minimal exposure was worthless to WH. He has sinned to no avail. I'm glad to have some time to work on the exposure.

OK, I suggest you expose to the in-laws first.

See what happens with that.

Then expose to the boss in person with the evidence. Alternatively, write him a letter and include copies of the evidence with a request he call you to discuss before taking any action.

Is your real interest in saving the marriage or making WH sweat? Two different things.

WAT

I will take your approach, WAT.

I will start with the in-laws.

In terms of the boss, do I just show up at the office or should I try to make an appt?

What about exposing the A to his friends?

My real interest is saving the marriage. My in-laws know how much I want to.

Also, what about his co-workers who I am friends with? I talked to one of them last night but I was too scared to mention the A.

Does the boss come first?

ready:

i exposed to everyone and anyone when i found out of my W's
A we are now in recovery so far so good but thats my 2 cents
can you fix the marriage what worked for most was complete and utter NC even though it was ****** on me but filling your time w/ things to do helped passed the time..

good luck and you have my best wishes for whats best 4 you..

Are you acquainted with the boss? If you're comforatble just showing up, go for it!

As for the friends, you need to make a judgement as to whether they would understand your position to want to save the marriage. Are they mature? Are they single or married? In other words, how do you think they would react?

If you're confident you can come across as sincerely wanting to save your marriage and they won't go off and ridicule you as a lonely heart stalking your H, expose to them as well.

A goal I suggest for you is to soon be able to say you've done all you can in Plan A - including exposure. Very soon. Then go straight to Plan B. Then you will have done all your work to end the affair. You have no children with him so Plan B will be relatively simple.

WAT

H's boss and I have chatted a few times. Every time we've chatted he's raved about H's work. Sigh. I'm thinking about calling him to see if he's in and then driving out there to see him. I don't want to give H any indication that I'm working on exposure. He'll be everything he can to barracade me.

Yes, I'll have to be particular about H's friends. Some of them have sympathized with H based on their own bad marriages. It's so unfortunate.

Thanks for the advice. I have lots to do. I'll post on how the meeting goes with my in-laws.