Well I'm new here and I could very well be on my way to a brand new divorce. Actually, I'm just trying to figure out what happened to me over the past few days. Friday night my wife of 5 years went out with her girlfriend for dinner and drinks, and didn't come home until about 3am. She slept on the couch and told me the next morning that she wanted to separate - to take some time to figure out how she feels and whether she wants to stay married to me. She said that I was perfect and that she doesn't want to hurt me, but that she just isn't sure that she wants to stay in a relationship. She kicked me out and I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily until I can figure out what's going on.

I've spent the past 48 hours searching the internet and hashing over our relationship, trying to figure out what I've done wrong, and how I can repair the marriage. Last night I called her around 11pm and she was out drinking with her friends again. Unable to sleep, I finally decided (stupidly, perhaps) to go over to her house around 2am to wait for her to come home. I found that she was already back, and we argued for about an hour. I demanded to know what was going on. I told her I needed an explanation - preferably the truth. She told me she wants a divorce because she just doesn't love me anymore, and that she had used the "separation" excuse to let me down gently. I asked why she didn't love me anymore, and tried to convince her to go to couple's counseling with me. Again she told me it wasn't my fault, but that she doesn't want to work on our marriage at all.

Today we met for lunch and she told me that she was planning to see someone this weekend. That "someone" is my former "friend" who previously propositioned my wife for an affair that, as he put it, I would "never have to know about" because it would be "just for fun." When she told me about this (several months ago) she also told me that she had turned this proposition down. But when she told me today that she was planning on seeing him, I was furious. I immediately left the restaraunt. Later I called her on the phone, and she said that she would never sleep with him, but that he is just a good supportive friend. I told her she was crazy if she believed that, and that he only acts supportive because he wants to sleep with her. I said that he is not a good friend to have (clearly, since he was willing to stab me in the back) and begged her not to indulge him by seeing him.

Now she's told me that she agrees with me, and that she won't see him this weekend, but I don't know if that's the truth. I'm sorry this post has gotten so long. The bottom line is that I love my wife so desperately, but I can't figure out what's going on. So, is she:

a) Really just taking some time off to think things over
b) Planning on sleeping with this guy
c) Already sleeping with this guy for some time now and just doesn't have the heart to tell me
d) Insert any other answer or advice that you feel would help me.

check out womensinfidelity.com

hollar back after checking that out.

kinger - thanks for the link; my relationship seems to be described in the "4 stages" section, up to the separation at stage 3.

I've asked my wife several times if she has had an affair, and she has a habit of being incredibly honest, even when it is harsh or cruel. She is a very strong-willed individual and is not afraid to tell people the truth, even when the truth hurts them. She is also very close with her family, especially her sister, who all in turn love me like a son/brother, and who all say that she won't tell them what's going on, but that they would know if she was having an affair. My wife also has always told me (since day 1) that she has no problem with divorce, and that if she was going to have an affair, she would just divorce me first.

I guess for all of these reasons I (naïvely?) believe her to be telling the truth when she says she has not cheated. But if she is cheating and won't talk to me about it, what more can I possibly do?

I was you, brother, just about a year ago.

That's just it, what can you do? You have 2 choices really: you can accept whatever it is...give her the "time out" that she is requesting and wait for her....OR, you can divorce her. Either option is horrible, huh? I don't know what the right answer is. There isn't one in my opinion.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is: Can you really deal with giving your wife her space? Can you back off, not stalk, not worry, wonder, beat yourself or her up mentally, etc. while she is away?...and, most importantly, when she comes back? Can you forgive her for telling you that she is not willing to work on your marriage? Can you forgive her for telling you that she doesn't love you anymore?

You have to be honest with yourself...because if she does come back, you cant beat yourself and her up over it. Punishing her will do no good. It will make your life and her life just that more miserable.

I wish you the best of luck dude. You are about to go through a ****** you never imagined possible. Remember, you are the one that has to live with whatever decision you make, if the decision is even yours, so educate yourself, read lots, examine motives of peoples opinions and don't let yourself shoulder all the blame, which is the hardest.

Desperatefool please post this on General Questions 2. There are some great people over there that really know and understand how the MB program works.

Nothing is ever over until it's over. You have way more than two options here.

We've seen A's that have dynamics that make yours look like an elementary school play come out on the other side ending up with a happy story.

Just copy your posts over there and see what some people can offer you in the way of constructive support.

Best regards,
Plank.