from Lor:-4/98 H began PA with co-worker, I wouldn't know for 8 months. He said at this time he was unhappy with his life and work, nothing about our marriage for awhile.
-H moved out 8/98--denying the A, I believed him.
-H moved home 11/98--having broken off with OW
-H moved out 12/98, still denying any affair, but back in contact with OW, told me he had "personal problems"
-H moved home 1/99-- confessed A, wanted to "try", maybe ended contact for 3 weeks.
-H moved out 4/99, OW had boyfriend.
-H moved home 4/99, still in contact but denying it to me.
-H moved into the basement for a week, then out 5/99
-H moved home, OW broke up with boyfriend,he spent a day with her, told me he never saw her, but my friend saw them together.
-H moved out 7/99 to "think" to "have space", denying A, but really sloppy with her in public and people told me.
-H moved in 8/99, his last chance I said...he didn't end contact.
-H moved out 10/99 for a divorce (didn't see a lawyer) discovered OW was dating his off & on housemate
-H moved in 11/99, stayed for the holidays
-H moved out 1/00. Contact continued with OW until 2/00. I ended my 18 month Plan A. I served him D papers, started dating and generally moving on without my marriage. H really ended personal contact with FOW, though work contact continued. He conducted his own Plan A on me, was accountable, gave me passwords, went to counseling on his own. I didn't want to go anymore, but stopped dating & rejoined him about 4/00.
-We reconciled 5/00.
Reconciliation highlights:
6/00 trip to Mexico, neither of us were wearing our wedding rings, we re-exchanged them and vows on the beach.
We both continued with the marriage counselor I had seen for over a year, with H having had sometimes joined me. After a few months, we graduated to the MC's weekly couple Bible Study.
We intentionally spent time together each week. Made plans for the future.
1/03 we attended a Marriage Enrichment at our church, renewed our vows at the end of it with our pastor.
4/04 H deployed to Afghanistan, the chaplain offered, you guessed it, marriage vow renewals to the group. We participated, very cool because our daughters were there and as we held hands we added theirs to ours in a kind of sports pile.
I have no regrets for trying 7 times to reconcile my marriage.
The past 4 years have had a few stumbles & downs, but overall, have been positive. We're in love, we have forgiven. My H says that when he gets home sometime in the second half of 2005, all he wants to do is spend time with me & our daughters and enjoy our life together.
I'm a better wife, a better person now. I've grown, matured, become more positive and gained in wisdom. I'm happy with my marriage and my husband.
I'd be less worried if he was home, but I talked to him minutes ago, and...even his voice makes me feel better.
Recovery does take work, it takes time, patience, love, more time, effort, intentional thought and action...but so do most worthy endeavors. You can have all the talent in the world, but if you never learn about it and put it to use, you would never benefit from it or enjoy it.
[ May 27, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]
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Iceprincess
Member
Reged: 07/29/02
Posts: 1065
Re: ATTN: WS or BS-please tell me your success story
#618954 - 05/27/04 01:17 PM
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Sprezz:
yes, I think H and I could qualify as a success story...it sure feels like that daily now with the huge amount of love we have for each other. The cuddling, the happy times - simply the joy of being together.
Yes, an A can be oveercome and a M rebuild.
from tere88:Another success story here! We are approaching 2 years since D-day in June, and our marriage is better than it was when we were first married. My H had an 18 month PA with a nurse in his office, and she wanted him to leave me and marry her. Although I had suspiscions the year before, I was oblivious until someone called me and told me what was happening. By the time I found out, my H was trying to break away from the OW, so I didn't have to go through withdrawal with him, he was never hostile towards me.
Although I had doubts that we would make it, my H refused to let me give up. He has held us together when I didn't feel like I had the energy to continue. Now two years out, I love him even more. I still think about the OW occasionally, but not every day. We are even able to take trips with our friends away from each other, that was a big step for me.
Keep pressing on! As long as you are both committed, you can make your marriage better.
from Cali:Sunday will be the third anniversary of my d-day. Three years ago, things were really awful. I could see my H, but I couldn't feel him. He was so far removed from me. And, SHE , a former co-worker, who now worked w/ him, was EVERYWHERE.
D-day was an explosion. D-day blew up our lives.
The first year was survival. Each of us had to take stock of who we were and what we desired. I think now I would advise people to not make any decisions about divorce, but to really focus on themselves. It has to be about YOU and taking that inventory. I couldn't do both effectively. Perhaps, if we had done it BEFORE getting married we wouldn't have arrived where we did. Instead, two broken people w/ family dysfunction made a union. This first year, there was little trust. I checked and double checked EVERYTHING>
The second year was about repairing the marriage. I was in individual counseling and a group @ church. I found books by Cloud & Townsend very healing for me. (
www.cloudtownsend.com); especially "Changes That Heal" and "Safe People." My H found his healing in church, through men who mentored him and men's groups. Trust was building, but I still had a lot of fear. I still checked, but not as frequently. And, where the first year my H resented soothing me, this second year he did it naturally.
This year has been about family, working together, partnership. I'm no longer in IC. I still do a little reading. Mostly lurk @ MB. The affair has forever changed me, but it is no longer consuming me. It is not the first thing I think of, or the last. Trust is now more about ME. Me realizing that I can only be in control of my reaction. ...That people fail and will continue to fail. I watch my Hs walk w/ God. I watch his Belief and Faith grow. As he becomes a stronger man of Faith, I trust. I watch his actions, not listen to his words. The word of man is fleeting, but his actions lasting.
from Java Princess:I felt really compelled to reply to your post. For one thing, for every person like you who is brave enough to post a thread asking for “Success Stories,” there are probably 50 people or more lurking in the background who desperately need to read them as well, but can’t bring themselves to post. For another, like you, I found out about my H’s cheating before I married him. So here’s my “Success Story” in as brief a form as I’m capable of (LOL: those who know me know what that means!—still a lengthy post!)
Like you, my H was (and is) my best friend, closest confidante, and biggest cheerleader. He’s always accepted me in a way that few if any other people have. And it’s very hard to walk away from that kind of acceptance, regardless of what that person has done. Like you, I discovered my H had cheated on me prior to getting married.
People tend to view that situation as a giant red traffic light saying “Stop!” and assume that the only way to deal with it properly is to end the relationship. And I unequivocally didn’t want to do that, for a lot of the same reasons you listed. Now, almost 13 years and eight affairs later, I know that it wasn’t automatically a red light, but it should have been at least a yellow CAUTION light. And because I didn’t know any better, as opposed to doing what you are doing, and slowing down to assess the danger, I simply closed my eyes, slammed on the gas, and barreled through the intersection in time that was my wedding.
Over the years, I saw many more “Caution Lights”—H’s low self-esteem, his high need for female attention, his tendency to have close friendships with other women, his broken relationship with his father, his tendency to treat me poorly when other women were showing him attention, the way I “disappeared” from his priority list whenever he got stressed, his touch and go relationship with God. And every time, I did the same thing: closed my eyes, hit the accelerator, and hoped for the best. Trusting in blind luck got me where I found myself two years ago—searching this very site for answers when H’s last affair became too obvious to credibly deny.
D-day was a nightmare, but like most nightmares, it forced me to confront my worst fears I’d been dodging all those years. The truth came out –all of it—and it was like lancing an infected wound. Painful but healing. MB gave me a safe place to learn, to grow, to vent, and to share. The Harley principles taught me what a healthy marriage looked and felt like. Based on the recommendations I found here, H and I started reading “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder. Doing the exercises in that book not only brought tremendous healing in our relationship, it showed me exactly how to spot those “Caution Lights” I’d missed or denied before. We started seeing a fantastic Christian counselor. H started addressing and healing his old wounds. We both started healing our relationships with our parents, and developing a newer, closer, more personal relationship with God.
Even so, I went through a crazy time when the impact of all that betrayal hit me and knocked me senseless months into Recovery. But everything happens for a purpose. H held me while I screamed, and told me again and again that he wasn’t going to let me go. Deep down, I needed him to fight for me, after having discarded me as if I’d had no worth all those times. This was his opportunity to do so, and he never quit fighting to keep me safe, sane, and his wife. For a born conflict avoider, being willing to fight to keep me in the marriage was probably the hardest thing for him to do.
Now, two years out we are in “post-recovery.” We have a beautiful two month old daughter. My H, while still my best friend, confidante, and biggest cheerleader, is in many other ways unrecognizable. He gets up at 4:30 am once a week to co-lead a men’s Bible study. He’s helped form and is being faithful in a Porn/Sexual Addiction recovery group. There are no more arguments about how “harmless” and innocent opposite sex friendships are. His priorities are clear.
In a lot of ways, I’m pretty unrecognizable myself. I don’t feel the need to apologize for my existence anymore. Most of my old codependent, enabling habits are gone. I have confidence in my ability to handle anything life dishes out.
Well, I hope this is what you were looking for. Recovering my marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, no question. But it’s also probably the thing that has had the biggest, most positive effect on my life.
from spirit_driven:We are both in our early 40s, first-time married, no kids, textbook midlife crisers. Despite my husband's incredible devotion to me for 17 years (married 12), telling me daily he loved me, was affectionate and attracted to me, showered me in gifts, took me out all the time, we had tons of friends and an active social life...well, WHAMMO OUT OF NOWHERE, he had an intense 4-5 month affair about a year ago with a divorced woman from another state 6 hours away. He met her when he was gone for the weekend at an industry trade show (on Valentines Day!!!). Dumb me, who had total blind trust and security in this man, should have gone along that weekend!
We both are busy professionals/business owners blessed in every way with exception of maybe children. We took good care of each other and our homes, and although our busy lives centered around "having fun," we considered ourselved "good people." We worked hard and played harder. We expressed that we were happy with our lives often, yet we bickered a lot about typical marital issues, and had no church affiliation. And, yes, there were times when we doubted our love for one another and felt lonely. Regardless, I would have bet everything I owned that this would not happen to us, and if it did, I thought it would be me to have an affair, not him. He just wasn't the type (prided himself on integrity and honesty) so it shocked not only me, but everyone we knew as they envied our so called "picture perfect" relationship and "big fish in a small pond" lifestyle.
I went into complete panic, anxiety and depression after finally getting him to admit it about a month into "it"....I just knew by "signs" and gut instinct something wasn't right. I had to see psychiatrists/psychologists/physcians for meds and check-ups because I could not sleep, eat, function alone, involuntarily threw up almost everyday, fainted ocassionally, experienced extreme chest pains, woke up with haunting nightmares and bedsweats, and my body would uncontrollably tremble all the time. I subconsiously tried to kill myself because I smoked, drank coffee and booze like crazy to escape the agony. I honestly thought I was headed for the grave and felt like I was in a torture chamber and hit rock bottom. It was like a tornado hit and everything collapsed in my world. This was the most devastating thing that ever happened to us...we had no experience with trauma or a crisis before...breezed through life without much hardship.
Anyway, back then he was convinced without any doubt he was in love with her, she was his soulmate, that there was no way for us to make it because he couldn't do anything about how he felt, that he didn't love me anymore, that he wanted a divorce as he spent every ounce of free time pursuing, calling, emailing, messengering, making secret plans to meet, sending cards and flowers, planning a future with her, etc. He met her kids, brother, friends, coworkers, and made promises of "forever" with her. In fact, I found an email account called foreverforyou(her name)@hotmail.com PUKE!!! I found many more accounts he opened and closed to cover his tracks as well as notes they exchanged that ripped my heart out. He now scoffs at everything he did and said and realizes it was not love at all.
I was determined to fix it no matter what, because I knew he loved me. I'm the perfectionist, nonstoppable, go-getter type when I believe in something as strongly as I did in him and my marriage. After pulling myself together just enough to became a very good PI, I spent 90% of every waking moment digging, snooping, spying, as well as seeking help, looking for counselors, reading everything I could get my hands on, surfing the net for answers, started going to church, joining on-line support groups, praying, seeing a pastor, consulting with friends who had gone through similiar situations, hiring personal coaches, etc. It was obsessive...I have file cabinets jammed full of proof that he was a big fat liar(absolutely nothing he did or said to me during the time of his affair was the truth). He turned into another person, complete opposite of who he was: a fake, extremely irrational, angry, ugly, guilt-ridden, verbally/physically abusive, sleepless, lost focus on work, suicidal, a compulsive liar, turned his back on God, and downright cruel saying things I still have a hard time getting out of my head today. Now he says it was all just guilt-ridden justification and that he couldn't tell me the truth out of protecting me from pain.
Some of the things he did and said were so unbelieveable that it felt like we were living out a Lifetime movie...you know those ones where you watch and think that no way in ****** there are people out there like that! We were the starring cast!!! For instance, when I went down south to stay in my condo for three weeks after finding out about his affair (which he swore was only emotional and it was over before I left), she drove here and spent the night in my house (on Good Friday!!!) AND, get this... he met with her in the same hotel room that he and I spent the night in and made love in the night before he dropped me off at the airport and told me he loved me at my departure with tears in his eyes. A great actor or did he love me? He says he never stopped loving me, but he couldn't let go of her either.
What really hurt most of all is that he promised over and over that he cut it off and was so manipulative and calculating (borderline psychopath) in making me believe his promises, that I about checked myself into a mental ward every time I would find out he lied again because I couldn't differentiate between what was real or not. The fear was unbearable. I felt detached from myself, as he admits now he did (the fog). I wouldn't have believed for anything that his EA turned PA if he hadn't finally admitted it after I dug up the hotel receipt...this is also about the same time I found out she slept in my home.
We couldn't stand being alone together for long periods of time. I mean I wanted him home, but couldn't find peace when he was home, because I wanted to hash it out and he didn't. I did kick him out a few nights, now wishing I wouldn't have because he'd either stay at a local hotel and talk hours with her using a prepaid calling card, or drive hours to see her, and then lie about it. I became so paranoid thinking he was going to hire a hit man or something, that on the nights he was gone, I slept with a golf club in my bed and rigged up alert systems around the house. When he was home we'd go out together (literally almost every night) because we couldn't be alone in the house without a big blow up (and there were many where I would throw things at him, we'd physically brawl, and scream so loud that the neighbors must have thought we were nuts). We enjoyed our company out, but it was very difficult for me to put on the happy face in public and choke back the tears. We both drank more than usual during that time to numb the pain which probably didn't help matters. But, what was really weird was that we had great physical relations almost daily from D-Day and throughout the whole mess!! It was the oddest thing...our intimacy level was like when we first met! But, they (experts) say that happens sometimes because when you are totally emotionally detached from each other, you subconsiously try to hold on to your love with a physical attachment. Like that territorial thing you all talk about on this board.
I didn't give up even though I was so confused (loves me, loves me not, loves me). I humbled myself and did a 180-degree change in attitude, appearance and routine. I started applying everything I had "sponged up" through all my resources...I basically loved him unconditionally back to me, wrote him encouraging long letters every day, went out of my way to say and do nice things for him, assured him we would make it and that I had enough love for the both us to carry us through the healing, all despite the mental anguish, the uncontrollable anger, emotional rejection and the abandonment I felt in the meantime. I surrendered all self-control (I use to be a bit of a control freak) and put all my trust in God to handle the situation. I've never done that before, but had no choice and figured I had nothing to lose to try, because I was NOT going to walk out, no matter how badly I wanted to take that easy way out and no matter how much I couldn't shake the pain.
Well, God didn't let me down even though I've ignored Him for about a dozen years. It was like He led me by the hand and showed me exactly what to do. I had an incredible sense of peace at those times. I stopped trying so hard and said to myself, "my security is not in my husband, but in you, Lord, so if he divorces me or can't kick this addiction to her, I will be okay no matter what." I forgave my husband and prayed for a miracle. Little by little, I regained my strength mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I turned into a new person and very sensitive, kind, compassionate and understanding of his situation (I took the focus off me). In turn, he started gradually following suit (but it was a bumpy ride...we still had really bad days), especially when I'd find out several times he broke the no contact rule.
I do not really trust my husband yet, but getting there because he agreed to try anything I wanted to do to leave no stone unturned: being accountable of his time, going to church, Christian counseling, marriage retreats, spending more quality time together, etc. We, who were nonbelievers in counseling or going to church, now do both regularly, along with many other things related to marital and spiritual growth. Honestly, I really do not believe a marriage will make it through infidelity without both of those components. IMO, they are absolutely an essential part of saving the marriage. Oh, and hikchik, sorry, I wholeheartedly agree with Plumb Bob, if you are leaving God out of the equation and not putting your faith as a priority, you may be fighting a lost battle. And if you are putting your faith as first priority, then you would get married since God doesn't make exceptions about "fornication." You can't possibly expect Him to help your relationship if you aren't following his basic guidelines. Took my H and I a long time before we figured that out.
Anyway, my H cut off the A in July after going through a few months of fence riding, then withdrawal. He has experienced a complete change of heart and is back to his normal self, yet new and improved! He tells me I am the love of his life and that nothing they shared together is remotely comparable to what we have. We rededicated ourselves to God and renewed our wedding vows (called a covenant). I prominently display the marriage covenant in our living room. We celebrate two anniversaries now.
He says he was temporarily insane and that the euphoria was so addictive that he couldn't see anything beyond deceptive and selfish allusion. He was wrapped up into the "grass is greener" sick fantasy. He can't believe he fell for that trap and says he has absolutely no feelings for her or is even tempted anymore. Even though I have forgiven him and he thinks God has too, he struggles with forgiving himself. He sends me the most beautiful letters of promises and apolgies and romatic little emails all the time...he's genuinely affectionate and sensitive to my needs now. He told the pastor he was a lost soul during the A, but that he has experienced a spiritual awakening that he can't explain.
We are like new lovers, new people, and so happy we didn't give up! We are still going strong...so phenomenal...like we are "in love" again having our own "love affair." It's awesome! I can't keep my hands off my husband and I desire him more than ever. We are having a blast laughing, playing, flirting, and making positive changes in our lives. We are looking into adoption, redecorating our home, taking in new hobbies, and looking into new business opportunities. Each day gets a little better than the previous one, but I still have bouts of relapse when "triggered." Regardless, I can't tell you how exciting and rewarding it is to see real miracles happen in your life (esp. when you didn't really believe in that stuff before) and see how perserverance (with a mindset to NEVER give up even when you see absolutely no hope) truly does pay off big time. It is soooo worth it to stick it out.
Lastly, if you were in love once before with your spouse, it CAN be rekindled again, despite how doomed it looks. It all depends on how much you want it, or even if you think you don't want it (been there many of times too...there was a time during his A that I was dabbling in cyber infidelity and thinking of having a real live secret affair myself out of revenge...thank God I walked away from that nonsense). I'm not a saint like some of my friends and family think because I withstood such a high degree of betrayal, I just knew that I knew that I knew without a doubt in my heart that our marriage would be beyong our wildest dreams if we made it through this AND that there was a purpose for all of it happening. If I could just hang on and not jump out on my committment to my H and God, I knew something grand was going to happen. No one gets through life, not a soul, without troubled times...it's what you do during those times that makes all the difference. Trouble times are reminders that your own control is insufficient. Catastophes are simply wake-up calls, divine knocks on the door, for finding true joy, peace, love and fulfillment in your life.
I pray that my story influences just one person on the verge of collapse to pick themselves up by the bootstraps and fight for what is right! Love has nothing to do with matters of heart or feelings of infatuation; that may be how it starts, but true love is a choice to keep your word and committments through the hardest of times, especially if they were witnessed by others and blessed in the name of God. If you truly believe that, without any doubt, it takes all the fear out of your life. Because, no matter what, if your marriage is based on faith in God's will, regardless of how many outsiders may try to tear it apart, it is impossible for anyone or anything to destruct something protected by Him.
from KS41My H betrayed me three times. The first two, I swept under the rug and thought we were better. The third time (two years ago now), I determined to make every effort possible to figure out what was causing the behavior and try to change things, try to change me, really.
We are a tremendous success story, I believe. Our relationship is more honest and open than it ever was. Our working through the MB process really allowed me to see how many of his needs I was not meeting - not a pleasant sight, believe me! Our communication is better, our love is stronger. I am almost to the point where I don't think it will ever happen again (but it's taken two years for that trust to come back - based entirely on his actions, and my continuing to check up on him).
Why did I stay in the face of all the "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "run while you still can"? Like you, I had made vows to him long before we were married, and those were the vows I was not willing to break.
from Hiker:Last week I had an angry post,from me, that got lost in cyber space...but here is a happy one.
I won't sterotype men I'll just say this is my own special feature...Here it is...I see the most minute details, sometimes pick individual notes in songs and can zig and zag on the freeway with the best of them. But when things are obvious they slip right by me...you know...the new hair cut, new dress,new shoes, the missing wedding rings....MISSING WEDDING RINGS! Yup you guessed it Mrs. Hiker took them off two months ago and I never noticed. Please don't expect me to notice things that have been in the same place for 34 years. Paint it red or put a sign on it or something.
Mrs. Hiker felt that wearing the rings was a sham(my word) because I had broken our vows. We have talked about this before but I was waiting for a "special moment". You know once in a lifetime sunset, sunrise, or sandy beach or someting. Mrs. Hiker said it didn't have to be magic she just wanted to have a "do over" since I goofed up the the first one.
So we got out our wedding book and we restated our vows...we put our rings on and everything...no wedding dress or tux...
We went through the guest list and the presents we received...looked at old pictures...gosh my hair used to be black, actually I think it was dark brown but what do I know I am color blind. Mrs. Hiker found a kind of "spread sheet" of how we spent all our money on our honey moon...here it is:
Day Room food gas
Sat $32 $3 $5.55 for 15.4 gal This was the BIG DAY
______________________________________________________________
Sun $13 $4/$2
______________________________________________________________
Mon $3,15 $4.80
$8.88
Hearst Castle $4
______________________________________________________________
Tues $32 $3.99 This was Carmel...we liked the
show $6.50 room so much we stayed 2
junk $5 days!
______________________________________________________________
Wed $2.50
$8.00 $5.10
______________________________________________________________
Thurs $18 $3.50 $5.10/$6.15
______________________________________________________________
We had a great time...We borrowed a car from my brother-in-law for the trip.
______________________________________________________________
addendum
Recently we paid for my youngest son's honeymoon $3600 for 7 days in Jamaica...man...her grandmother paid for first class flight to Charlotte NC and 2 nights there in some historic bed and breakfast...son paid for the first night in Laguna Beach plus limos to and from airport.
______________________________________________________________
The bottom line
I know it seems that I am making "light" of this but the evening of the renewal was quite moving and I got misty eyed during my part of the vows. She never broke hers...I broke mine...I am blest that Mrs. Hiker allowed me to say those words again with her. She accepted her rings once again and is wearing them everyday. You might say we are starting to recover.
from Miss PrissWOW......it's been so long since I've posted. I can't believe that I stayed away as long as I have.
Actually it's a good thing. It makes me realize how strong I've become over the last 3 years.
Almost 2 1/2 years into Recovery and everything is going well. Won't say it's perfect as nothing is.....but it's as good as we make it. [Smile]
I no longer feel the urge to "watch" my H.
I no longer feel the need to ask him how he feels on a regular basis to reasure myself.
I no longer have "triggers".....even seeing the XOW's H on a daily basis doesn't bother me.
Actually I surprised my H a couple of weeks ago......
We happened to go down the street that she used to live on (my H pretty much moved in with her at this address) and my youngest daughter (5) mentioned that that was where "OW" lived. I didn't react at all. I just ignored the statement and let my H handle it.
He handled it well.....he said yes....but she isn't part of our lives anymore and it hurts mommy to remember that sometimes, and that we were going to move on and forget that she was ever part of our lives.
Of course she was NEVER a part of my life.....but she was my H's and my D's....whether they wanted her to be or not.
Can't blame my daughters for remembering.
Anyway....it doesn't bother me anymore....when something like that comes up with our daughters....I let him take care of it. I didn't ask for it...didn't cause it and I took care of enough while I was going through it. He does a really good job of handeling it.
Anyway.....we are finally out of his parents house.....YIPEE.....and we are now financially stable......so much so that H is planning our vacation for this year....just us and the girls....no in-laws. DisneyWorld here we come!!
Our relationship is stronger than ever. Takes work every day.....but making it work is half the fun. Ups and downs yes.....but now....mostly ups.
Our daughters (13, 7 and 5) are growing by leaps and bounds....mentally and physically. I'm so glad to see them happy again and having a loving relationship with their dad.
As for me.....still a SAHM and loving it for the time being. Learning something new every day and taking it all in.
Well...that's about it for now.
For those of you still on the "train"....do not despair. I'm not a religious person.....but God gives you nothing more than you can handle.
from Freshstart:Wow, it's been forever since I've posted on here!
I have come to visit once or twice in the past year but life has been way too hectic for a very long time.
On February 14, 2001, I came to my senses. I ended things with OM.
Actually, I was awakened from a bizarre nightmare Feb 15 and awoke to the realization that the lie must end...no matter what.
I had been involved in an A since August 2000 (the slippery slide to an A began May of 2000.)
When I realized the impact of my betrayal, I realized the only way to make it right was to confess, even if H threw me out on the street on a frigid February Canadian winter day.
H's initial response was: "Finally! You are telling me the truth!"
He had known but was in denial. The tension building between us was horrific for a few months before I disclosed the truth. In my fog, I thought he wanted me to be involved because of a comment he had made to me. A few months prior, he confessed to struggling with an issue. I suggested we go for counselling. He laughed in my face (which he does not recall.) My fog interpreted that as "OMG...he WANTS me to have this A."
We were both ordained ministers at that time so H felt the responsible thing to do was to report it to our immediate superior. This turned into a nightmare as the boss betrayed us both in a horrible way, mishandling the whole situation. (Long story short, he portrayed H as the bad guy and refused me permission to confess to the congregation--they were more upset with themselves for some reason and most forgave me immediately when I confessed privately.)
Just to backtrack a little, H was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in October 1999. Being "superman," he went through surgery and external beam radiation without taking any sick time whatsoever. He took the Sunday after his surgery off. Even when he lost his voice and guest speakers filled in, he still attended church.
It does not in any way justify what I did but looking back, I feel the cancer journey split our family from being "one nation" into 4 separate islands. In my lostness, I became selfish and indulged in stupidity with a little help from an only too willing "friend." The really weird thing is I slipped into the A when H was beginning to recover. But I think I had set up some really unhealthy practices during his medical recovery that opened the door for worse things. (I turned to some single male friends for support with my girls when H was not up to helping me entertain them and these men sort of lined up to "volunteer" to help the poor pastor's wife. Barf.)
H and I were able to spend from March to June 2001 working on time to rebuild our M..he finally took sick time and I, of course, was suspended from duty during that time. (Our kids still don't really know the whole story but we plan to tell them in a few years. They are 17 and 14 and they know things changed drastically and that OM was out of our lives so I'm sure they have some inkling.) We also made a decision to resign our ministry. I did not feel I had the integrity to carry on, despite my remorse, repentance and being forgiven. In that denomination, both spouses must be active in ministry.
We started attending a great church not too far from home around the same time. We went there for a rest but H eventually ended up as a lay pastor.
It's been quite the journey since.
The positive things are that there are no more secrets. He can check my email and I am welcome to check his. He trusts me again. We were blessed to be able to rebuild and refocus. H was always my best friend and he willingly allowed me to remain his friend and partner. We learned to be honest about warning signs and to have much healthier boundaries. We still talk all the time and we are probably more in love after 20 years than ever before.
During the early days of recovery, H complimented me that I was doing all the things a recovering alcoholic would do according to the 12 Steps. I was making amends with everyone I felt I had hurt on my own iniative. That was kind of a neat experience to have him say that.
These days are a little tough. H is going through some significant difficulties (his health is great, though!) emotionally with work. (another story in itself) Sometimes I feel we are reaping consequences for my A, even though it's forgiven and behind us. There are huge financial consequences as a result of resigning our former ministry. I have had 3 jobs since we left and that continues to impact us. (It's not that I can't hold a job! lol One was just the wrong fit and I only lasted a month or so..the next lasted 2 years and then I just finished a contract position the end of January. It's nice to be home to have a chance to do some writing--if I ever get organized!)
I am surprised how much it hurts coming up to Year 3 anniversary of d-day. I haven't really told anyone other than one friend (from MB!)
I can never undo the past. Never. I can only live now as a "fresh start." [Smile] I have learned more than I care to know from my sin and betrayal. I can tell you, if you are even thinking of crossing the line, it's not worth it. There is such a terrible price to pay. To see your spouse crushed and to break the sacred bond of trust..to break your marriage vows...it's just not worth it. For me, there are no "sweet" memories of OM. I realized shortly afterward he was never really interested in me at all!! He intended to hurt my H and he and I succeeded at doing just that.
Even though the A was never completely consummated, that also doesn't matter. I shared my body in ways that were unacceptable for a married woman with another man. It all started with "little hugs" that just got a little longer each time.
I don't know if this post makes any sense at all but I hope it offers hope to even one newly repentant WS. You CAN become a FWS! That's a great thing!
Or that someone considering getting involved in an A will see that it's not "cute" or "just playful." It is the DUMBEST thing you could ever do..so just don't do it! Please!
Or that a BS will see there really are WS out there who are sincerely sorry and that with forgiveness, hard work, time together, counselling and time, things can get more on track than you ever imagined.
I never dreamed I would be guilty of adultery. I could never have imagined the new life God blessed me with after I made things right with Him, my H and others.
If you are considering confessing to your spouse, I know it's scary. I was a lucky one (hate to use the word lucky but you know what I mean)--H would have been within his rights to throw me out immediately. You don't know how your spouse will respond but you have to risk whatever it takes to make things right. You have to learn to love yourself again and then you will be able to love your S as they deserve.
Thanks for reading this if you stuck with me to the end of this post!! [Smile]
May your recovery be filled with hope and renewed love.
from Shattered in SF:It has been several months since my last post, and now, on the eve of 2 years post d-day, I thought it appropriate to share my recovery experience with those who have been so instrumental in keeping me on the path to reconciliation. First, a very condensed background for those who don't remember me or my story:
01/01/2002 - retired @ 47 after 25+ years in the corporate world to form a non-profit organization to help folks in the SF Bay Area
02/05/2002 - My blissful retirement lasted just 5 weeks, as an anonymous note on my driveway launched d-day #1. My wife had been having a long affair (measured in years) with a co-worker at church, the choir director. I happened to be in the choir - he was supposed to be a friend and brother. She left her job, we both entered counseling (IC and some MC). OM agreed to "retire" and move away, which happened that summer. My non-profit plans on indefinite hold.
05/2002 - D-day #2 after I taped a phone conversation when I was out of town. The usual stuff - soulmates, love of my life, etc. Got nauseous, thought my marriage was over for good.
Rest of 2002 - Occasional contact, including a face-to-face encounter my wife insisted she needed for "closure", a word I have come to despise. Over ensuing months, I am told to get over it, talk to IC if I have a problem, etc. No one else knows of our plight, so most of the solace I received came from these forums. Youngest son has lung surgery at end of year, which adds stress but unites me and my wife in a common concern.
2003 - I moved from intensive care to merely a coma - after the roller coaster of emotions the previous year, I was left just feeling numb inside. What happened to the love that used to burn inside me? My dear mother was killed in an auto accident, deepening my depression. We finally let our two college-age sons know what's been going on with their parents. They aren't too surprised as they saw how damaged I was. Wife finally emerges from the fog, thanking me for rescuing her from her black hole and incredulous that I stayed with her. OM leaves occasional messages at her work phone, which she deletes without listening and tells me about them. He finally stopped leaving messages a couple months ago.
2004 - I am just this week able to declare us recovered. Having said that, I am not so naive to think that we won't hit an unexpected pothole or two somewhere down the road, but I can confidently predict that we'll be able to handle whatever comes our way. Heck, anyone who survives infidelity can handle anything. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Now for some observations as I look back on these past two years:
= God and MB saved my marriage. I was one of those who thought that infidelity equates to automatic divorce. I guess we never know for sure until we experience it personally. Through much prayer and communicating with others here who were also fighting to save their sacred marriages, I came to realize that, with patience and perseverance, we could be one of the fortunate couples who got another chance.
= It really does take at least two years to recover. I've never been an a-b-c-d-e kind of guy, more like a-b-z, i.e., let's get on with this so we can get to the next thing. Recovery doesn't work that way. You really do need time to fully process what has happened, deal with the changes in your life, and make a decision to leave the awful past behind. It ain't easy, as you all know.
= I had to learn to choose my battles, and not react negatively to some of the downright bizarre things that my lovely wife used to utter. Realize that they have been taken over like that little girl in "The Exorcist", and that all fog-speak is to be ignored. For those really tough conversations, I recommend a #4 polyurethane tongue guard so you don't bite the darn thing completely off!
= Triggers. While a natural part of the process, I found it to be a real setback if I dwelled on certain dates or situations. A date is just a date. January 14 = May 8 = November 24. For me, tomorrow is d-day + two years, and it means nothing to me. Just another day to appreciate life and love.
= God's grace is truly amazing. I've seen it in my wife's transformation, and experienced it myself in ways I never imagined before. I have a new and deeper appreciation for the sacrifice of the cross, and for resurrection, because I am alive again after being dead for two years.
I guess that's enough for now. I just want to say THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have helped me navigate these treacherous rapids of recovery. My prayer is that I will be able to do the same for some of you in the months ahead.
May God richly bless all of you and give you the peace that only comes from Him.
from Laurie C:Leap years come every 4 years. It usually takes 4 years to complete a bachelor's degree. 4 years can be a long time. But then again, 4 years can seem just like yesterday. That is the way it is for me, 4 years post D-day. I can remember the major facts surrounding April 30, 1998, the day I discovered my H's already ended PA with a woman he'd met at work..... someone I'd never met, never seen, and had no knowledge of her existence whatsoever. But many of the details have faded. I've told the story so many times, relived it, replayed it in my memory banks, it's lost its luster. Sometimes it seems like something that happened so, so long ago. I know how painful it was, but I can no longer conjure up or recall that pain. I can't even remember the last time I cried about it. It's now just something that happened in my life, in my marriage. One piece of a very large picture. One part of 20 years of my life.
When I discovered my H's already ended PA, I had no idea the turn my life was about to take. No idea. I leaped forward into the unknown, head first, hoping somehow I'd land on my feet. I did, but for so long it felt like I was standing on shaky ground, the earth about to give way any minute. One thing is certain, I never realized the life I'd had before and the person I was before would be lost to me forever. Gone. I often wonder if I'd known what was to come, would I have plunged forward so quickly or would I have just sat back, attempting to cling to the familiar, even though I knew it was not in my best interest? I'm glad I didn't have a crystal ball because plunging forward and leaving the old life behind was exactly what needed to happen. That chapter needed to end and a new beginning was eminent.
Do I miss my old life? Sometimes. I get a melancholy feeling when I think about how carefree I used to be. But, honestly, after 4 years of living with the lights on, as I like to call it, it's hard to really remember what things used to be like. I don't like what happened in my life and my marriage. I don't like that my H and I have joined the club. But I do like that we are survivors. I do like that I possess strength I never thought I had. I do like that I have weathered the worst I thought would never come. I feel empowered.
4 years ago I thought I'd never be happy again. I was so wrong. I have had many, many, many happy times since then. Too many to count. Sure, I've had many, many, many days of unhappiness and downright despair as well, but who hasn't? My life is what it is and what I believe God intended it to be, imperfect, varied and ever changing. I love living and I love being alive.
If I had a choice, would I choose the same husband? Would I get married at all? I've asked myself those questions, and depending on how I feel that particular day, the answer has varied. But what I can say unequivically is that even if I had chosen a different spouse, I know there would be no guarantees things would be any different, or more importantly, there's no guarantee things wouldn't have been even worse. We choose who we choose for various reasons, and no matter who we are, we will face adversity. The difference comes in how we deal with the adversity. I am proud to say that my H and I were not quitters. Though there were (and sometimes still are) many times when we feel like throwing in the towel..... we never do. We always make up. We always choose each other all over again.
I could never count all the broken dishes, all the angry words, or all the tears we've endured the past 4 years. But by the same token, I could never count all the smiles, the laughs, the warm feelings and the expression of love we've endured as well. I don't look back to what the marriage was, but rather I view our marriage in its totality.... the whole picture, and like a soldier who's emerged from battle victorious, I am proud. Veterans, we've earned our purple hearts.
For those of you who are new, sure, there are tough days ahead. Many tough days. Your old marriage is gone, but always remember, the old marriage is what brought you to this place... so why would you want that back? All we need do is look at the statistics and see that there are many of us who will not make it. But whether or not your marriage survives, you will. You will be happy again, you will smile again, you will love again. One day, all the hurt, the pain, the bad feelings will be distant memories. No, you'll never forget, but that's a good thing. Though we learn from the past, we don't have to live in the past. The future is bright. It's bright because we are still here, living, breathing creatures with the capacity for love and happiness. Just knowing we're still in the game is an immeasurable gift all by itself.
