My ex has spent a considerable amount of time here and seems to have found comfort in many of the people on this site. I am at a loss as to how to regain his trust after violating it for so many years and in so many different ways. He has basically cut me out of his life at this point and wants nothing more than being a co parent. I still love him and have done a terrible job showing that in the past. I have looked at many of his posts here in the past and have had to shudder every time I realized that this was "me" he was talking about... me that hurt him and our family. He says he has forgiven me... yet he still wants nothing to do with me at this point. I don't want to give up on the dream of watching the family I had hoped for disappear. I don't know where else to turn.

I really dont know your story.

How did he betray your trust?

How did you betray his?


Max

(((((medcex)))))

Welcome.

From your post, I assume you are mkeverydaycnt's wife.

Let make a further assumption that you are a "born-again" beliver in Jesus Christ (if I'm wrong please say so ASAP).

As such, you know that God forgives us when we repent of our sins and does not "hold them against us" for Christ's sake.

But you also know that adultery is one "very serious sin" in the eyes of God. Since we are not God, it is the ONE sin that God gives as a "valid" reason to divorce for Christians.

Therefore, while we are commanded to forgive a repentant sinner, we are NOT commanded to live with them.

IF there is to be eventual healing in your marriage, it is going to take BOTH of you being willing to submit, from this day forward, to obedience to ALL of God's commands, regardless personal hurts or feelings.

It may be difficult to understand, but there is to may knowledge, no "heart pain" more intense than adultery. God knows this too and He knows how hard it is to overcome such a betrayal. It can be done, but ONLY through Christ and in His strength, because the task is "too big" to do on our own.

So, what "advice" do you need? You didn't ask about anything specific, but it appears you want to know what you can do to recover your marriage with him even though he doesn't want that right now.

medcex, you need to understand that he has the right to not remain married if he so chooses. God gave him that right. He doesn't "have to" get a divorce, but it is his right.

So, having said that, WHY should he want to remain married?
WHAT has "changed" that would lead him to believe and trust again?

God bless.

medcex - you started with "My ex..."

Does this mean you've been divorced?

In the meantime, I'll search Makeeverydaycount's posts to try to understand.

We were never married. My decision. He always treated me as his wife.
Starting at the beginning.

We conceived a child (he's now 10). He wanted to get married. I wanted an abortion and ended our time relationship. I decided to keep the baby but played games and kept the child from him for 17 months. I knew this would hurt him... I just don't know whay I did it.

Every time he got close to someone during the years... I wanted him back and would do whatever I needed to do to get him. Once he was here though.. I realized that I only wanted what i couldn't have and left. This happened numerous times and each time he came back... I left.

I came back to him and yet I got involved in a physical relationship with a friend that lasted for over three years. No strings. I made the mistake of letting my child see some of this and I know it has harmed him.

When his father died, I used the occasion of the funeral to win him back yet again (even though I had rejected his proposal months before by having sex with my friend the night after he asked me). He was in a serious relationship at the time of his dad's funeral and I realized how much I loved him. I tried to win him back, which I did but I did so with lies and then more lies about the nature of my "friendship." Even after he came back I made plans to get together with my friend, although it was not for sex.

I have hrut him and my son beyond words. He says he forgives me but just cannot handle the lies and betrayals any longer. I signed over custody of my son to him and now feel all alone. I want him back but feel that so much has happened that I have lost him forever. He has been seeing someone else and both he and my son seem very happy. I just want to be included in that happiness.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with things that have gone on.

I am not really a "born again" Christian.

Well, I suggest you leave him alone.

Sorry.

You've gone to the well too many times and he's come up empty with you.

If he's in a relationship with someone else, honor that as you now recognize you should have honored committed relationships in the past.

How old are you?

WAT

MedCex-
It's a start that you at least understand the impact you have had on Make's life and the life of your son. I don't think you need to be "born again" to be repentant, but, as ForeverHers points out, Make is not obligated to live with you again, even if he forgives you.

Good that you signed over custody--it sounds like you have a lot of demons to battle. That's where I'd start. You can't just say, "Sorry!" and expect everything to be perfect. You may not ever get what you're looking for, in terms of a relationship with Make, but that shouldn't stop you from trying to improve yourself.

I don't need to beat you up for what you've done--there are others here who will do that. Also, you will and should beat yourself up some, too. Remember, Actions Speak Louder than Words. Stop toying with Make, and start SHOWING the improvements you can do.

I'm sorry it's taken so much damage before you were able to realize what you've done and what you've lost. Keep trying to improve yourself, and stop with the head-games. Good luck.

okay... time to change names and passwords... seems like my ex is now here an using my sign on or info based on some feedback I am getting. Just another betrayal.

Now I'm confused - are you (Medcex) posting under his screen name?

Who is who?

WAT

Okay, I changed my passcode. XWP decided that she wants me back again... so how does she go about that... coming here and vilating my privacy and then using my sign on. Not okay. Gee, I wonder why I am no longer with her.

Okay, now I am confused... she has her own sign on and then uses mine... wow... brainchild. This is not the time or place to be doing this. If you want to come here and get help for yourself... then do so. Please leave me out of it as our time together has ended. You've made promises to be respectful... well, this would be a good place to start. Please do embarass me any longer.

medcex,

First let me be forthcoming and tell you that I am a friend of MEDC’s. He is honorable and decent. You are lucky to have such a fine person be the father of your son.

I will also tell you that I’m very loyal and supportive of him. He’s worked VERY hard to get where he is at now and any FBS that has been through what he has does not need to be victimized any longer, they’ve suffered enough.

That being said, what have you done to work on all of the things that you have read about in his posts? What effort have you made to find wholeness in your own life so that you can love yourself and be the best mother in the world for your son?

medcex, I am happy that you posted here because I think this is going to be the time in your life where you truly start to get it. I think you’ll look back on this day and very clearly see a demarcation line that you crossed and never looked back at.

I have no idea if this would include MEDC in your life or not as that is up to him but nothing attracts quality people like someone that knows themselves and shows strength.

What are you doing to work on yourself? Any individual counseling or seeing a psychiatrist? Church?

Plank.

It seems to me that she is just here to stalk medc and take away this safe place for him. How will he be able to post now, as she will be watching and reading him.

MedEx, let him go...IMO you need to address your demons with a good IC and find support elseware.

Glad

I am sorry to have posted using his screen name. It was a mistake. He showed me this site before and I should not have done that. I wasn't trying to trick anyone... I just used his name by mistake (our passcodes were the same). Now he's po at me.

Anyway, I am 38. I have been to counseling with him and on my own. Everyone say the same thing about letting him go, but I want us to be a family and I am willing to do anything to make that happen. He has mentioned you in the past Plank and has let me read some of your posts. One that you sent him early made him cry (in a thankful way).

I know I have hurt them both, but how can I make it right if he won't let me back in his life. I would be willing to go to therapy every day if he wanted. I just need another chance to make this right. I won't waste another moment of his time. I do not want to victimize him Plank. I want to be the person he has deserved for many years.

Plank, thank you my friend. I would say that if she were genuinely here looking for help... she would have shown up a long time ago when I asked her to be here.
I feel like this is just some last ditch effort to keep me from progressing with my current relationship. It will not work this time. My life is good and since I had proposed to her in the fall of 2004 she has made my life a living he!!. So, I chose to get off the roller coaster. Off is where I choose to be.
KB, please, if you are here for help... find it for your own peace of mind... but leave me be now. Too much has happened for us to have a future together. The best we can hope for is to be effective co-parents.
Please do not use this forum to once again embarass me in any fashion.

medcex - okay, I have a little better understanding of the situation here. If you are truly looking for a way to be a "better you" than history would suggest, I am going to suggest a couple of things that you may not like, but that I think are essential for you to think about and perhaps accept.

1. What you want is "irrelevant" to mkeverydaycnt because you have a long history of "wanting" only those things that make you feel good or give you "power" over someone else. There is really only one way for a "leopard to change it's spots" or a "zebra to lose it's stripes." That brings me to the second point.

2. Only in Christ do we become a "new creation." Before you can think of having a successful relationship with anyone, you really should consider your relationship, or lack of one, with the one who gave His life for you.

3. Regardless a "changed life," there are still consequences that remain for sins committed. The more serious the sin, the greater the likelihood that substantial consequences may follow, even if we are forgiven for the sin. It's like gravity, I can forgive you for telling me that gravity has no effect unless we want it to, while we are both plummeting to earth without parachutes because I "believed" your former lie about gravity, but the consequences of the lie will continue regardless of being forgiven. That's the difference between "big lies" and "little lies," between stepping out of a plane without a chute and stepping off a 4 foot ladder without a chute.

Neither one of you has been living according to God's commands and you are under no obligation to do so since you do not consider yourself a "born again" Christian. But the wages you are both reaping would seem to speak to the "wisdom" of your chosen lifestyle.

Perhaps a change is in order. What do you think?

FH and others... thanks for your help. As per a phone call I just received... FWP will not be back here again... she feels that she needs to find her help in another arena... I could not agree with her more.
I would speak to your last paragraph (neither one of you...)... but apparently you have jumped to some conclusions that you should not have based on our history. In my eyes, there is no more that I could have done to bring together my family. If you are referring to the years beofre I was saved... I could not agree more. But please do not refer to this as my "chosen lifestyle." My chosen lifestyle would have been married 10 years ago and living in a Christian household with my wife and son.

MEDC - the past is the past. "Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve..." would seem to be the operative advice for the day. Be not unevenly yoked.

God bless.

you dont consider yourself cheating because you didnt have a piece of paper to validate your relationship with the mother of your child and you dont think she should get support from other bs on this forum because why?Just because your not married doesnt mean you arent cheating why the double standards?I think she has every right to be here just as I do and for the record I have my own computer now so im not at work and my husband knows about a certain person stalking and causing trouble for me and as long as im not violating tos I am allowed to post.

do you have any friggin idea what you are talking about... I was cheated on by this woman for years... she lied to me for years... she engaged in sexual activity with her OM that my son saw.... she kept my child from me for 17 months... she has lost her own family due to her lies... she has lost her friends due to her lies... but I am cheating... get the F over yourself. She was not the BS, I was.... for years. She came here to get support for me taking her back when EVERYONE else in our collective lives has supported my decision... including my 10 year old son. So, save your opinions.