Hi,
Brand spankin new here.

I caught my wife cheating in Dec'04, she agreed to stop seeing him, On May 12th '06 I installad a keylogger program, because I suspected her of cheating again, and got her e-mail passwords, and found out that she started seeing him again in sept'05 and has been ever since. We talked all night long on may 13th and she agreed to stay in the house for our 13 year old if I agreed to an open marriage and continued to let her still see him.

I hesitantly agreed, and she hasnt seen him, but they e-mail alot, and she emails alot of personnal stuff between us to her friends namely 1 that is engaged and has 8 boyfriends, who I feel is a bad influence on my wife and someone she met about the same time she started cheating.

I told her I found out about her cheating by having her followed, and have denied knowing her e-mail password 2 times in the last month. This last month has been good for us, probably the best month we've had in a very long time.

yesterday I read an email from her to her friend, detailing her feelings for a married neighbor and how she has fondled him and had dity phone chat a couple of times. I came unglued and ended up telling her about the spy software and knowing her e-mail passwords.

She is understandably upset, but is now twisting it to be all my fault and that I've committed a crime by spying on her and now everything is my fault and that this last month has been nothing but a farse because I lied to her. And that Iagreed to an open marriage, and therefore it should be okay forher to flirt with our neighbor.

I gave her an ultimatum that it's either me or her boyfriend, and that I will not condone or allow her to see or communicate with him anymore. She got all lovey dovey with me, and got me to delete all the e-mails i've forwarded to my yahoo account and to delete the spy software, then when I did that she went back to being mad at me.

I asked her where we went from here, she doesnt know, and I said if we are to move forward that she has to quit her relationship with him and her cheating girlfriend, she sais she needs to think about it. To me that's an indication she is not willing to give them up for me.

I called her in the am on the way to work and lft a msg on her work phone, telling her ZI loved her and that I really want to work this out and that i dont want to lose all the progress we've made in the last month. She been at work for 3 hours and I havnt heard a peep from her. Sounds like I might have my answer.

I'm sorry for babbleing, but I'm lost and stranded in Iowa and have no clue what to do now.
Mike_K

I've spent the last hour reading this site, I'm almost overwhelmed with too much info.

I've seen refernce to plan A, not really sure what it all means. My family knows, but WS does not know she knows.

I told WS father I suspect her of having an affair on April 26th, he talked her into giving it another 30 day's the next day, She got him to firmly believe she WAS NOT cheating. On may 13th, I called WS dad, and told him of the evidence I had of her sheating, he was very pissed at SW, and told her it will be a long time before he trusts her again. She told him that we worked things out and that the affair was over. She did not tell him that she talked me into letting her still see him.

I cant deal with that anymore.... Do I go to him for more advice? I can talk with him much more freely than with my own parents. But he did make a comment to me that she is his daughter and that our son comes 1st to him, then the WS, then me, so I know my pecking order.

Also, should WS tell me she doesnt want a divirce or even if she does, do I tell her about this site?

do not tell your wife about this site YET

you need to read and absorb and to begin to practice new marital behaviors first

Plan A

read all about it ... it involves loving behaviors and exposure

can you do it?

Pep

TY for replying, in the stick part about exposing. Who do I expose her too? Should I tell her parents everything? If yes, do I do it with her there?
TY,
Mike K

IMO, yes.



It certainly would be interesting to see her try and bamboozle them again if you are right there to point out when she's lying...

Hi there -

I'm so sorry - I know how hard this can be. We all want so badly to be the one our husband or wife is willing to sacrifice for - we WANT to be put FIRST. And we should be put first. It is a question of value - we want to be valued. But, your wife is not putting a high value on you right now. What you need to understand, though, is that your value is independent of what your wife attributes to you. She is acting selfish and she is valuing whatever her desires are more than you. This is her defect, and probabaly has very little to do with you. Make sure to distance yourself from her decisions, and see them as a product of her self-worth, not of YOUR worth. The reason she is probably not esteeming you and your marriage is most likely becaause she is not esteeming herself. As much as you can, have compassion for her, but do not neglect to hold her accountable for her choices. Otherwise, she will not have to face the fact that she is responible for them. Where there is no responisbility, there is not likely to be any change. I will say a prayer for your family. Hang in there.