I can relate to most of those things...., not the life isnt wort living though, we have a wonderful 13 year old, he is worth living for <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

depression is chemical

the neurotransmitters get worn down

for me

the worst part was the inability to

concentrate

so

your inability to stick with a plan may be due to depression

please call your physician Monday & ask for help

tell him/her the entire story

don't be afraid of anti-depressants
there are many varieties
not one size fits all

the newer ones work fairly quickly

please take care of this

why suffer when help is available?

Pep

Mike, if you don't continue your exposure until you're sure the adultery is broken up, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Of course, she's embarrassed and unhappy about it. Why on earth would you suppose she would be happy about having her sordid, nasty little secret exposed? Her father suggested you not expose at work? Excuse me, but he's not an objective person to rely on here. He wants to protect his little girl, no matter how badly he disagrees with what she’s done…and is doing.

Sir, continue exposing until this thing is smashed. This is especially important to do because this thing has been going on for two long, painful years, Mike. You tried being nice back in 2004, mister. It didn't work. She just went underground and continued what she was doing. If you want to stop her cheating, you have to fight it by going nuclear or it will NEVER end.

Mike, you're the "bad guy" because you are the one smashing her little FantasyLand adventure. It’s been a lovely place for her to be these past two years and more. She’s angry about it and she’s going to blame you for wrecking something she was indulging herself with. You're NOT doing this for petty, vindictive reasons though. Your whole purpose in this is to end her infidelity and you're using the best weapons you have available. Do not apologize for shining the cold light of day on this obscene, slimy adultery, and don't feel any remorse for doing what you have to do. Your WW is the one who has done wrong here--not you.

Friend, do NOT negotiate anything dealing with legal matters right now with your WW. It can come back to bite you. She hasn't, btw, been that good a mother these last two years. Is that what you’re basing joint custody on? Think of it this way. Every single minute she was with her partner in adultery, or emailing him, or talking to him on the phone, was a minute she should have been spending time talking, working with, or doing things for your child, you, and the marriage. Every moment she spent interacting in any way with her adultery partner was another moment she was setting a cruel, lying example for your child. That's not a role model to be encouraged by being "reasonable," Mike. Why do you think that will improve if you give her 50% custody?

Expect these days, Mike. It's referred to as the "rollercoaster" out here. There will be good days and weeks, followed by times where you're certain nothing whatsoever has been accomplished with all your hard work and patience. Hang in there, pardner. You're going to come out of this one day with your sanity and your being intact. All of us out here have gone through this and have healed. You will too.

this is soooooo

true

and
sooooooo

important

and I think his "giving up" attitude is depression-based

Longhorn .... you're not bad ... for a dumb Texan !
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mike, you said a few days ago you were going to look into anti-depressants. Pardner, do that as soon as you can. Saving your marriage in the face of your WW's outright hostility is terribly hard on you. AD's can help you get through this time. They're a tool, not a crutch.

********

Thanks, Pepper...I think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just called the clinic and made an appointment... My whole live I have always thought people that needed anti-depressents were full of it, and it all just mind over matter, but maybe I've been wrong, but pepper is right, I cant concentrate on anything right now except the bad, and that just makes me veg and not want to do anything.

WW asked me yesterday if I had contacted OM, i told her I had left a msg on his machine with the only number I had to call, didnt give my name only work number, but if he called it and I wasnt here, it has my name, so I'm sure he knows.

WW, said she has tried to call him numerous times and left numerous messages for him, but he wont reply to her. After the 1st D-day, he moved 3 states away a couple of day's after I visited his apartment, So it looks like he went underground again. She is telling me it's over between them, I of course want to believer her, but dont know how I can ever prove it.

Yesterday, before I left for the office to work a couple of hours, I went and got her a pack of smokes, as I handed her the pack, she grabbed my hand and pulled it to her mouth and kissed it saying thank you very much, I told her I loved her and left to go to the office. This was all after the details of my last "here's what happened post"

The rest of the night was enjoyable, somewhat, We all had dinner together, WW and I worked on the yard together, sat outside and talked about stuff(not our stuff), we went in and made reservations for hotels for our Chicago Cubs game trip, 07/31-08/02.I watched her play a couple of games of poker(online), she won both tournements, then we went up to bed, played a little with the dog, before going to sleep.

This morning, when I tried to give her a hug and kiss goodbye, she turned her head the other way, 1st time she's done that.

Dont know what to think. Havnt heard from her all day.

Mike, generally when there is a time where things go smoothly for several days, then an abrupt change back to a detached behavior, it indicates there has been contact with OP of some kind. Did she have a phone call late last night or early this morning...or did she spend any time on the computer using IM or email?

Longhorn, I dont know, she said she tried to cdall OM to call it off, but he apparently wont return any calls.

BTW, I just got back from the doctors and got a month's supply of Lexapro, 10mg pills.

Okay, Mike. It'll bear watching but it can also be just a bad morning.

Get on the meds today, okay? They take a while to kick in. Hang in there.

Hate to but in but I started Lexapro about 2 weeks ago.

The first 3 days I felt pretty awful but that does pass, keep taking them.

After the 7th to 10th day the world doesn't seep so crappy anymore.

Hang in there!!
Blind

Anti-D's are medication

if you need it, you need it

not different than insulin for certain diabetics

stigma?? >>>> whoosh >>>> *gone*

Pep

Should I let the WW know I saw a doctor and got the Lexapro, I'm thinking I should.
Thanks,
Mike

Thanks blind, the above is sig material <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I did tell my WH I was on medication. One night when we were talking he was crying and I was calm cool and collected. He asked me why I was so calm. I just said I needed some help dealing with all of the information he presented to me and my therapist referred me to a doctor who gave me AD.
His response, Maybe I need them too.
I felt I needed to tell him what I was doing for my self for transparency reasons. I have nothing to hide from him except my spying.

godd luck!
Blind

I'm ordering SAA, should I read this book alone, or have my WW read it with me or even let her know I'm reading it. I've read posts on here from people who have read it with WS.

Just wondering on everyones opinion.

WW just sent me an e-mail asking me how she can begin trusting me again(she's still mad at me for spying on her)
when I didnt tell her about seeing a doctor and getting AD medication after she asked me why I came home early yesterday, and had no reason. To some degree I agree with her.

She called a few minutes later, and I basically told her that I'm dealing with a ton right now, as I'm sure she is, and I needed some help, and wasnt sure how'd she react. She understood, I think.

I asked her what she thoguht when she 1st saw the package of the meds and she said she was actually glad I was getting some help, but wished I'd done so a week or 2 ago.

Just like a WS to say we the BS's are the ones who really need help. UGH!!!

I have read SAA, LB, HNHN all were very helpful to me. I never told him I was reading them but I do leave them all around the house.

One night he asked me what I was reading and I just said something to help our family through this craziness.

Like I have said before I am honest about everything except my spying. I disclosed to much info to him before I found this site and that caused him to change his cell phone etc.

Now I quietly observe all calls and text messages.
I journal them or post them here to get them out of my head so I can stay away from LB's.

Good luck to you!

Blind

ps. two other books I think Mr. W recommended them both are, Tough love by Dobson, and Not just friends by Shirley Glass.
They offer another perspective to MB but also have helpfull info how to be loving but not doormat-ish.

Mike, your WW isn't ready to read anything yet but the books can certainly be left lying around the house to tweak her curiosity. It's the old "lead a horse to water" syndrom. You can't make her read them, but she might get the idea to do so all by herself.

Your wife is clinging to that "trust" thing about exposure like a drowning victim to a life preserver, isn't she? Don't give in to the temptation to LB her, Mike. The logical response is to tell her that small embarrassment is nothing to the betrayal of the marriage she committed...but she's not ready for logic yet. Just keep to your message that you exposed to break up the adultery and save your marriage.

Hang in there, friend.

LH, I just read Mr. Wondering's do's and Dont's, noticed I was doing alot of the dont's, so I'm not even going to talk about our relationship unless she brings it up, up till this point it's been me for the most part wanting to discuss it. Although we havnt for the last day.

Your right she's not ready for logic, but I really do see signs that makes me think she's not a lost cause, the fact that we can still carry on conversations having nothing to do about us, and laugh and joke about things make's me think theres at least hope that we can at least try to get past this.

I ordered the book SAA, even paid for nxt day shipping, it's worth it for me to pay the extra to start sooner....