YOU made me go

"yippie"

so

thanks

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I sent them both e-mails already that said pretty much the same thing, both responded that they pretty much had nothing more to say to me...

That's okay, Mike. You weren't getting anything particularly valuable from them anyway, right? Look, exposure did it's job. The affair is history, by all accounts. Now, sit back, relax and let human psychology do its job.

Technically, I suppose, until she comes to the negotiating table freely, you are in Plan A while she starts withdrawal. This is where you ignore the venom, coldness, and sarcasm, returning none of them. You are upbeat about saving the marriage and you're working on you so you can be the best man you can be for yourself and your family.

So tell us what your Plan A is, Mike. What are you doing for yourself while you wait for your WW to find her way out of the fog?

Your right, I'm not, but neither is she and that's my dilema.

As for me, Well, I'm taking the lexipro. I just took day 5 and so far i havnt noticed any considerable change in me, not really sure what to expect or how to even know if it's working. I'm still terribly sad about the whole situation and it really is quite depressing.

However, I am trying to be strong especially around her, I am following the Do's and Dont's, paying real close attention on not pushing conversation of US right now. Our son left last night for a 10-14 day vacation with my parents.

I'm working out again, and it feels good to do so.

I've identified things in my marriage I've done wrong.
1) Too much computer time.. fix - keep comp time to 1 hour a day

2) Spent too much time away from home.. fix - This was years agom I'm a homebody now, so nothing to fix there.

3) WW was not my #1 priority.. fix - This touchy because I think alot of that was a result of her blocking me out and led to me not caring for her the way a loving husband should, but I have to accept responsibility for my actions and correct how I treat her and act towards her. However may be to little to late now.

4)All of the situations and bad desicions I've made in the past, gambling, pot, e-mail exchange with a co-worker(lasted 2 weeks), staying out late with buddies while younf wife is at home with child. - none of that I can take back, it all happened, not particulaly proud of any of it, I've told her recently how sorry I am that all of it happened.


Longhorn, and anyone else. I'd like to e-mail you something, but would like to keep it from the general public for now, would that be okay?
Thanks,
Mike

Hi Mike - I read thru this whole thread.

You've gotten good advice. I collected a few things to address as I read, but only one is still pertinent.

You said a while back:
Mon oh man oh man - do not EVER say anything like that again - the part about custody.

IF she ever threatens or discusses a separation or her leaving, your mantra should be "I am not interested in either a separation or a divorce. I want to rebuild our marriage for the good of the family."

If she threatens to leave: "I am not interested in either a separation or a divorce. I want to rebuild our marriage for the good of the family. If you leave, son and I will miss you very much."

Message: You have NO WILLINGNESS to give up your son. Period. This doesn't mean you'd be successful in getting any more than joint custody - but don't let her assume you'll agree to it. Understand?

I suggest you visit her Dad again and update him on the sitch. Profess your love for his daughter and optimism that things have a real chance at getting a LOT better. And here's the kicker > ask for his advice. Listen intently. The down side of this is he may advise you to do exactly the wrong thing and when you don't follow his advise, you've lost ground with him.

What do you need to discuss via e-mail that you can't write here?

WAT

Post deleted by Imsolost

I suggest you provide your e-mail so that others can contact you rather than the other way 'round. I'll write you.

WAT

Well, WW and I went out with another couple for dinner then back to their place to watch a movie "ringer", funny as ******.

She asked me before we left noit to mention us as they didnt know anything, They knew about OM the 1st time around, but not this time, nor that we are having problems. She said she wants to have fun tonight, I said so do I and I wont say anything.

We did have a good time, got home around 2:30am, and went to bed, her on her side and me on mine as usual, finally I said, good night and I had a good time tonight, she said night, me too.

Saturday and Sunday were pretty boring around the house, We had the block party Saturday night, other than that we sat together and played alot of poker online.

Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but we both enjoy it and we took turns playing while the other coached and watched. Plus it was a profitable venture as well.

Not a word was mentioned about us though. On Sunday, WW saw my SAA book and asked what it was, i thought the title was somewhat self explanitory :, just told her it was a book I was reading. She thumbed thru it spending maybe 10 minutes on it, she had a pretty grimm look on her face. Not sure what too make of it. I kinda wanted to get her into a conversation, but I really want her to make the 1st move there as I dont want to corner her into something she's not ready to discuss yet.

I hate the fact that were both acting like nothings wrong, and theres really no feelings shown towards me at all. She's really good at bottleing everything up. I hope and pray she'll come out of the fog. It kills me everyday to see her like this, and there's nothing I can do except work a good plan A.

I have exposed her to just a few people, and for the most part it was a failure, as it turned every single person against me. I do think the A is over for now anyway, but thats only because OM went into hiding like the coward he is. But that's happened before, and given the fact that WW is in love with him I think it could pop up again once he resurfaces.

So, at this point I dont see any point in exposeing anymore, just do mor harm than good IMHO.

We are both missing our son terribly, but he called Sat night and is haveing a wonderful time with my parents visiting the badlands and Mount Rushmore over the weekend.
he wont be home though until around July 3rd or 4th <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Been getting along pretty good this week. We talk to son almost everynight and he's having a great time.

My dilema is this though, We both seem to be pretending that nothing is wrong, I feel we should use this time alone to discuss "US", but am careful not to bring "US" up. We do e-mail each other from work and talk. And she calls me at least 2 or 3 times everyday.

For example, she has a noise issue... Little noises bother the heck out of her, she's been told that it's a result from her being molested as a child. Last night, I went to floss my teeth after dinner, went into another part of the house to do so, she still heard the floss going between my teeth and called me on it. it pissed me off to no end, that no matter what I do I cant do it right, Of course I didnt respond in anger I just apologized.

I also napped on the couch for a little while last night, I snore when I do that, and again she got mad at me. This morning she got up before me(usually the other way around) and was mad at me for snoring and said she shouldnt have to hear that(she snores as well, and I deal with it)

I sent her an e-mail saying I was sorry for doing things to irritate her and that I shouldnt be napping during family time and she had every right to be angry with me for that, but I would not appologize for snoring in bed, I do that, so do you, you have to learn to deal with it. I also said I love you, for the 1st time in about a week.

She responded with a kind reply, saying we will always do things that irritate each other, and that's its how we communicate it and respond that matter, she appreciated the fact that I was trying to floss away from her but I just didnt go away far enough, and she said she was sorry for having this noise problem, but she didnt know how to get rid of it.

So, it appears as though we are trying to communicate some on our issues, but these are minor compared to the A, and that's what I would really like to be working on. its been over 2 weeks since I told her of my having her e-mail passwords and her telling me there's no hope now, and we havnt discussed our situation since Sunday June 18th.

Should I continue to just sit back and let nature take it's course, or should I suggest we discuss "US" and our future.
Thank you everyone for helping me get through this.
Mike

Has she always had the noise issue? - or just since she has a need to vilify you?

I'm afraid she's biding her time, continually being pumped up by her female friend accomplice in crime to eventually make a break.

You can't go on pretending nothing is wrong. That way, nothing gets fixed.

What's your latest intel?

WAT

She's had it for years...... Cant remember when it 1st popped up.

No new intel, nothing to friends about me that I can see, of course who knows who she talks to while at work.

I'm afraid the same thing. Waiting until she has the funds.

I asked WW by e-mail today what she has been thinking about us, and this was her reply. Comments welcome

Mike, If you were to speak to her from the heart right now, what would you say?

Basically I would say something to the effect that I'm sorry for not providing you with a husband that met your emotional needs when you needed them met. I would tell her that I reading and learning alot right now about relationships and the things the both parties need to do to make a relationship work.

I'm not real good with words sometimes. I can practice saying something a hundred times, but when it comes time to say it for real, i always flub up and either get off track or forget completely what I wanted to say in the 1st time.

I think one thing I shouldnt do is over-do the love part or I know we can make it work part. She knows my stance on this and I do not want to puch her away or make her feel obligated to do something she doesnt want to do.

Right now I am just enjoying our time together alone, and letting her make the decision on when we discuss "US"

Last night we went out for Sushi and saw Superman with a friend, it was a good time but wished was only us.

I am trying to concentrate on what I have done wrong in the marriage and not what she's done wrong.