So my W and I went on our first date since marriage problems came out. My Mother-in-law came to stay with the kids and soon as she wlked in the door I went to my truck. I got the plastic flowers together and went to the door and knocked.When she came I handed her the flowers and she basically said woo hoo.She doesnt like flowers so I explained to her that they had 2 purposes.First P was beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman. Second P was to put on our daughters grave.One of our problems was the lack of greiving during our loss, namely me, so I thought this gesture might make the flowers meen something. I even took the time to spray some scent on them to make them smell good.No response. We go to eat and talk general daily talk. We go to a movie and she really enjoys the movie, wouldnt have mattered if I was there or not. During dinner and movie and walking around mall, she kept her arms crossed.This gave me bad feelings and made me scared to try to hold her hand or anything. We just went to bed and I thanked her for the nice evening and she just grunted rolled over and went to sleep.Am I just still expecting too much or what. I feel like I should get some kind of response and its really starting to p*** me off. I am starting to think one sided love problems cant be fixed.I think I am going to go for a ride and clear my head a little now. Thanks for any help.

What about marriage counseling, LMLW?

You've got some big issues...in both of you and between you (life events)...

What you did was speak your own love language...learning hers would be important.

Do you know her top emotional needs? Have you read all the articles on this site? (Links are to the right of your screen.)

You will create resentment in yourself (that starting to be angry feeling) every time you do something to get something...and don't get it. That's why making it your goal to do something to save your marriage...which is a big, long goal...doesn't create resentment...limits expectations...puts them in the long-range category, not immediate response.

LA

She wont talk to me much less a counselor. Yea it was my love language but normaly it would have made her happy also. I have read the articles as well as thousands of others on other sites and many many posts. If she would talk to me I mite be able to figure out her needs. I am doing everything I can without pressuring too much. I go to school full time and dont work and dont have a dime so I cant afford to pay for counseling, thats why I have spent many hours on the internet. I do have resentment, I resent not being the husband I should have been and ever ending up in this spot, I resent the fact that I cant get her to try with me, I resent that I will hurt the kids if I do leave, I resent that I have been trying to fix this for a couple of months now and its no better but yet no worse. I wish I could get anything from her, yes I want to try, no I dont want to try, I want a divorce, get the h*** away from me and die, I love someone else. Anything would be better than nothing. At least I would have an answer. I guess I am having a bad night but boy, life couldnt suck enough right now.

You know your wife...you know her needs...attempt to list them here.

Most humans want to be heard, listened to and understood.

They don't want to be defined.

They want to be respected as the individuals they are, capable, whole and worthy (and they are).

There's free counseling through churches and other agencies. Even through school. You'd qualify. Invite her to counseling, respect her choice to go or not, and go yourself. You're worth it, also.

Let's knock down the resentment for yourself you created for not being who you now understand you wanted to...

Read brokenbird's latest post...I can't say it near as well.

As for the resentment that you cannot get her to try with you...right now. Remember you're in the present, LML...she isn't putting forth effort right now...doesn't mean she won't.

Do not create resentment for what you cannot control...you're human...can't control another human being on the planet...resenting that God designed humans without this ability is futile...he gave a wonderful balance by bestowing you with the power of choice and ability to control yourself in all ways...

The harder you are on yourself, the harder you are on your wife. Rule of thumb...stop the judgments...from going out and going inward. They will kill your love and hope.

Reward yourself...congratulate yourself...from your efforts, your marriage is no worse...and it would have been, wouldn't it? Without your efforts and acts of love these last two months, what would be left of it?

Expectations are premediated resentments (LostHusband said that.) Watch those...they are like cleaning fluid you drip in your own eyes...and others'.

You are living from the belief that humans earn love...they give to get...which isn't a great way to live.

Loving by choice grounds you in reality...comes from knowing you cannot make someone love you, not by earning, punishing or deprivation...

Loving because you choose to believe you love, choosing loving acts (as you did tonight) with the intent to love and love the way you love...that is the key here. Loves fills you up from the inside, flows outward...and returns like a tide (tidal wave in my case)...because your intent was no longer to earn love, give to get...but to love by choice.

How long have you been grieving your child's death?

What if all your wife feels, thinks and believes are hers...her own stuff...not caused, controlled or cured by you (we don't have that power)...and what she's grieving is inside her...not about you, what you did or didn't do...?

Today is one day, LMLW...tomorrow is another. Know your feelings, do not judge them, nor your life...you're living. This is part of it. You're growing, learning and not acting on your feelings...you know they go up and down...they are information for you about your beliefs.

They aren't what we live by.

Find your power...you're choosing to save your marriage...big goal...don't choose one night to get what you want...choose a lifetime.

LA