I accidentally stumbled across this site today while searching for a Christian marriage counselor. I have never entered an online forum before so I apologize in advance for lack of forum know how. I am ecstatic to have found this site; I am at a panic point & need advice fast. I apologize again for being long winded but feel I have to share some of the history for my situation to make some sense.
My H & I met 9 years ago in college and became best friends almost instantly. We grew up in neighboring towns our entire lives & never met, so we had a bond that brought us close quickly while away from home. We remained only friends the first 2 years of our relationship always there for each other to deal with college life, family, other relationships, etc. About a year after we met, my house was broken into one evening and I was raped. My H (best friend at the time) was the first person I ran to for help. He instantly stepped into the role & responsibilities of helping me begin to heal from this life altering event. He also stood there & watched the person he once new die & waited & helped form a new one. He became my rock to help me find my strength to survive, a role he has continued in through our marriage. Eventually our relationship changed and we started dating, got engaged and married. We just had our 6 year anniversary (separated).
IMO, we’ve had a wonderful marriage. Yes, we have our ups & downs but nothing major. We don’t have huge screaming & hollering fights, we’ve never even gotten mad at each other & spent the night away or in separate rooms. Last summer we decided we were ready to start a family. My H made an appt. with my dr. so we could have a pre-pregnancy visit to “make sure” we did everything right. He even took a notebook with questions he asked. We conceived in October and were due in July. He was so excited- reading books, attending every appointment, dragging me to baby stores, etc. He also made a huge deal about not telling anyone. He wanted to wait till Christmas, which we did & it was amazing. In January, we went for an ultrasound & learned our baby’s heart had stopped beating. I had to have a d&c and became extremely ill following the procedure. We were in & out of the hospital for over a month & I ended up having a total of 4 surgeries. Of course we were both saddened by our loss but once again he was the “strong” one. I even recall one evening before I had the first procedure asking him how he felt & his answer was “I have to be the strong one for us right now.”
In March, I was back on my feet again & we were ready to try again-which we did like crazy. I was still a little up & down in my moods but for the most part trucking along pretty steady. My mom decided mid-March to take me to Vegas for the weekend. My H no major hesitancies, told me to have a great time, dropped me off at the airport & off I went. We got in a little tiff over the phone while I was away b/c he didn’t call to check on me which was extremely unusual of him, but we talked later in the evening & all seemed well. I returned on Mon., he had a meeting & got in late, Tues. all was normal, Wed. we went by a friend’s when he got home from work ended up going for drinks and a couple games of pool. All seemed fine till we walked through our door. We were in the kitchen & he blurts out “I’ve been thinking & you don’t make me happy anymore.” I froze, stayed calm & asked what he was talking about. He repeated himself & added he wants a divorce. I asked if we could talk, try marriage counseling, anything but divorce & he said he’d been trying & he was through & walked out the door. That was a Wed., I stood in our kitchen till Friday & then finally moved to the couch. That weekend he came back & got some stuff- including our spare bed & dresser. I was supportive & said take all the time you need to think.
Time passed & he would call & say he was thinking & acted genuinely concerned & as if he wanted to come home. One evening he called and seemed deeply concerned about how I was doing, said he missed me etc. 10 minutes later he called back screaming & hollering, telling me I was interrogating his friends, he wanted a divorce & to have all the titles to everything on the kitchen counter by 6 the next evening. I panicked, stayed home the following day & looked for the titles- which I never found & listened to hateful messages most of the next day as he called to check on my search for them. The following evening as I’m waiting to see what’s going to unfold the phone rings, it was the OWH. He informed me of all my & my H’s personal information & that my H & his wife worked together & were having an A. He informed me that he’d hired PIs & would appreciate my cooperation to take his W down b/c she had been having As for the 11 years of their marriage & he was done with her. I hung up as my H pulled in the drive way to pick up the titles. I politely asked him to leave immediately & let him know it was not a good day for us to talk He refused & barged into the house ranting & raving about what a horrible person I am. That evening I contacted an attorney friend & asked for advice- my first BIG mistake b/c the next morning I was filing for a divorce I DO NOT want.
Things have gotten worse & better & worse but there is not any real good communication between my H & I at the time. At the beginning he would let me beg & plead for him to come back but I wasn’t in a place where I was really asking for what I wanted. I did eventually confront him about the A which he of course denied. Then she moved in with him for about 2 weeks at which point I told him to get her *** out of there. (We live in a small town) He did have her leave & it appeared as though they were not seeing each other at all. (He’s staying across the street from our friend which pretty much is home 24 hours a day & keeps me updated.) Then this weekend he was bold enough to bring her around town on our motorcycle & took her fishing at our hang-out.
My biggest issue at the time is he keeps saying I want the divorce b/c I filed. He also counter filed. I had to file b/c he went & cleaned out bank accounts, tried to sell our motorcycle, boat & car to friends for a $1. I was trying to protect us from his juvenile behavior. My heart tells me he is in such pain he doesn’t know what to do. This behavior is so out of character for him but considering our loss, my illness, stress he was having outside of the home with work & school (he was still working on his degree) I think he just snapped. I don’t think the A really means anything to him other than it hurts the one thing he loves most- me. I don’t think he can handle the pain he has caused me b/c of this so he’s just decided to run from everything. I also think he feels I’d never get over his betrayal. He seems to forget what I’ve already had to overcome in my life & doesn’t realize losing him would be the worst & hardest part ever. Am I crazy? Or do I stand a chance to get him help? To get us help? I DO NOT want to give up on us, it’s been toooooo wonderful!

Welcome, only1. I am so sorry for your loss.

You did not mention whether you had succeeded in getting PG again. This will be easier for you if you don't have to deal with that on top of an A.

Have you already read the infidelity articles on the website? If not, that's a great place to start, along with WAT's Quick Start Guide for the Betrayed Spouse.

You have begun a process, but you will make it through this.

Hi Only1,

You have stumbled across an awesome site and great help for you to get through this next chapter in your life.

It doesn't feel like it now and won't for a long time... but you can use this terrible situation to find out so much more about you and your own strength. When people on the site refer to Plan A... that is the biggest part of the plan... to work on yourself.

You cannot change your H. He has made some choices... and they are not your fault. The choices he made could be for so many reasons, but he still made them.

You may be able to help him, but that should not be your focus right now... it must be yourself... protecting yourself, figuring out if you want to fight for your Marriage or not, looking inward at your fears and your strengths to become a stronger person who will get through this... and you will. There are a lot of people on here who have been successful in recovery of themselves and of their marriages. They can help you through.

As Not so u neak said... read up on the site and others. Become an expert on affairs and know what generally happens. This helps you to understand, to have compassion, to feel your pain that you need to, to not take blame for the affair, and to look at the areas of your life you need to work on.

You're in my prayers.

Shaden

Now that I'm off the phone, I just wanted to add a few more things before I head off to bed, since nights are slow around here.

You have a very good chance of saving your marriage, if you want to. Even if you don't, or decide later you don't, what you learn here will benefit you for the rest of your life.

Educate yourself about Plan A and Plan B. It is such a good thing that OWH called you to tell you about this so you didn't have to wait a long time to find out, and begin helping him bust up this A.

Do not take your WH's lunacies personally. No matter what he says, this is not your fault (but he will try to make it seem that way), and the full blame for his A rests with him, and the OW. You did not make him do anything.

Make your home an inviting place to be when he comes by, and avoid serious talk most of the time. Obviously there will be times when you need to confront him about stuff, but for the most part just be light and pleasant, reminding him of the wonderful woman he fell in love with.

When he continues to bring up the fact that you filed, say something like, "WH, I do not want a divorce. I was only protecting my share of our belongings. I believe our marriage can still make it, as soon as you agree to end all contact with the OW forever. Our love can be even better and stronger than before, once that happens."

You don't demand that he give her up, or demand anything at all. It is just a simple statement of fact. Your marriage can still make it, once he ends it with the OW. That is very different from saying "You have to end it with her! It's her or me, and you'd better pick now!"

Plan A is about improving yourself in any areas you were weak, re-establishing a bond with your WH as much as he will allow, and gently negotiating toward NC (no contact).

Plan B is where you take back all control of the situation, by deciding what you will and won't put up with. It is recognizing that, since you cannot control him, it is up to you to control your life, and whether he has a role in it. You focus on nurturing you, protecting the love you still have for your H, and preparing for what you will do when the A crashes and burns, as about 97% of them do.

To give you a timeline of my own experience:

12/04 WH began having 'friendly lunches' with his soon-to-be boss.
01/19/05 He said he had decided to move out.
02/12/05 D-day, he admitted he was seeing something else. I mean someone, talk about a Freudian slip! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
02/??/05 The A became physical.
04/18/05 I joined the forum here, truly a Godsend.
05/04/05 Plan B letter #1 delivered.
05/05/05 Recovery #1 began.
05/??/05 Contact with OW resumed.
06/27/05 Plan B letter #2 delivered, this time in person. After a very long 'discussion', recovery resumed at that point, and continues to the present despite scores of attempts by the OW to cause trouble.
07/10/05 Became pregnant with child #4.
11/07/05 Unable to verify fetal heart tones with Doppler, ultrasound confirmed baby had died.
11/08/05 Induction.
Late Dec./early Jan. D&C after numerous episodes of bleeding and several courses of antibiotics.

So I do understand quite a bit of where you're coming from. I have been through it, and am at the other side, though not all the way out of it. Healing takes time. Be patient, you will get there. It may (will) get worse before it gets better, but you'll be ok in the end. And there is a very good chance that both of you will be ok, together.

Thanks for all the advice and comfort! I really appreciate the guidance to the quick start guide.

No, we are not PG again. I’m doing my best to stay patient and be as kind as possible. I have not really had any hostile confrontations with my H except the night on the phone and the following evening when he showed up. They were still quite mild- we’ve had bigger fights. I think I went straight into the mode of showing him the woman he fell in love with the minute he walked out the door and for most of the time I’ve maintained that stand. He even tells me that I’m the “old me” he fell in love with when we meet.

Right now it seems we are on as little contact as possible. There are not any phone calls unless it’s regarding mail, bills, etc. We have not seen each other (except for mail drop offs) since Mother’s Day.

I didn’t mention it in my 1st post but when he counter filed he requested Temporary Restraining Orders. My attorney had me do the same but put that he’s not allowed at the house, this makes things even worse. I hate attorneys! I felt at the time though I had no choice.

The OWH warned me that his wife was on a $ hunt. The OW even told friends at work she wanted my H b/c he drives a Mercedes. STUPID!! If she only knew we only have it b/c my grandfather died, it’s old & my parents sold it to us REALLY cheap!! The OWH informed me of how she had stolen from him, forged his signature of business checks, always had affairs with people whom she thought had $ and that she had even at one point worked for an escort service during their marriage. I felt my husband had lost his mind & I had to be fast on me feet to protect us from her. I don’t care who gets what if we go through with this- BUT- I wanted to make sure we still have what we worked hard for. Of course, my H just views it as me trying to take everything. Oh, well- at least I know what I’m doing and at least one of us it trying to think & look out for us!

Does your WH know this?

The night I exposed my knowledge of the A I brought some of it up. My H was/is in deep denial that anything is going on. He even told me I don't understand the situation, am jumping to conclusions and asked me how I'd feel if he had closed all of the accounts, kicked me out of the house with no clothes, no where to go, no friends or family and didn't understand the language. Oh, yeah the OW does not speak english. My response was the last place would be another woman's husband. He didn't like that. I kind of view the OW as a stray dog. My H has a huge heart that always picks up the stray dog and finds it a good home or we keep it. So, any time I mention the OW he's very silent but reminds me I don't know what's going on. I've asked for an explanation being that I've been drug into the middle of it, but he says b/c of legal reasons he can't tell me now.