I'm not sure I will be welcome here, but I wanted opinions on my situation from another POV....

I am an xOW with an OC. However, I didn't know I was an OW until I found out I was pregnant. When I told xMM I was pregnant, he told me he was married and to have an abortion. That was the last time we spoke for a long time.

I didn't have an abortion, I couldn't do it. xMM didn't even find out I had made the decision to keep OC and not have an abortion until OC was 11mths old.

OC is almost 6yrs old now. Even though I could have, I never told his W, I never took him to court for CS. I felt it wasn't my place to do so. The contact between OC and his father is minimal (this is by xMM choice), OC knows who he is, but has formed no real attachment, nor has any expectations at this point.

xMM and I also have very minimal contact, only when necessary. He does pay me a small amount each week for child support, although it is not court ordered. If I had gone for court ordered CS, it would have been a lot more and I didn't want to do that.

I'm married myself now, and yes, my husband does know everything about my past. He also wishes to adopt OC, and xMM is more than willing to sign off to allow it.

I believe I have a long time before I have to worry about this, but it still weighs heavy on my mind.....I don't want to ever lie to OC about his true paternity, espicially when he gets older and starts asking questions. But what if I tell him of his bio father and OC decides he wishes to meet him? I don't want OC to ever feel like he was a dirty little secret b/c to me, he is the world. But I also have a firm stand that I will not be the one to ever tell xMM W about what happened. She is just as much an innocent party to this as OC is.

Does any of this make sense to anyone?

MN,

Hi. Yes it does make sense. I think your guilt is misplaced though. If you honestly didnt know he was married then the damage done to his marriage is not your burden to bare.

I dont think you should necessarily keep the secret from his wife. I can understand not wanting to go out of your way to get in her face, but please dont let him make you complicet in his deception.

I am glad though that you found someone to love and respect you and the little one the way you deserve.

Well, you were wrong.

It IS your place to do so.

It's not YOUR $$$ , is it?

No, it's not


CS is/was your child's $$$

who's name is on the birth certificate?

if your H wants to formally adopt your child, OM & OMW will probably need to be informed.

good luck with this

I have some VERY recent experience with this topic ... I met my half brother (age 62) last weekend! Here's what I learned ... thing will all be exposed eventually, might as well get it over now ... do complete exposure to OM's wife now .... she can deal with the truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> once she knows it

Pep

Not Sure:

If your H wants to adopt OC, then by all means go ahead with that if it's what you all (XMM, H and yourself) have agreed upon. Tell OC what the details of the sitch are when it's appropriate and more than likely a bit at a time and age appropriate. Life isn't perfect for anyone and if you raise your OC with love and proper guidance from both you and your H, then you're headed in the right direction.

As far as continued C with the XMM and OC, that'll have to be something the three of you can work out. It's not all about $$$ and CS, it's about the well-being of the child. Collecting CS doesn't mean OC will be mentally healthy. KWIM.

I call BS on Pepper's post. Yes, the sitch will probably be exposed at some time in the future, but as far as you exposing this sitch to his wife. That's XMM's burden to bare, not yours and none of your business.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

it's [color:"red"] K E W L[/color] to have a difference of opinion

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

don'cha think when the adoption moves forward (which I hope it does) ... the wife will find out ??? am I missing something here????

For you I can show some understanding, cause you did not know he was married...... you didnt even have the slighest clue?? In alot of ways I wished that was my case, one of the hardest part I have dealing with the situation is OW knowling had a affair when she KNEW he was married.

If you had read any of my posts then you will see that I am really for mens rights to have a choice to opt out.

About the CS I have always stated about cases where the OW realizes that the man is married. But I still think you made the right decisions so far. Really it is not about paying CS it is about being fair, and the courts are not fair, read some of my past post and you will see how unfair the courts have been to us, and my COM are hurting bad over it. I got to say Good for you, I have stated that if I was in the same shoes I would of done the same as you.

If MM is willing to TPR and your husband is willing to adopt I say go for it. There is nothing different then a couple adopting a child.

I too was raised by another man, I was well into adult when i found out the truth, I had some emotions when I first found out but on my own I came to my own decsion about things and I am glad that my parents made the decsion they did and it just made me love my dad even more for choosing to love me as his own.

Dont worry that it will be a dirty secret, children are adopted all the time, that is all this is is a adoption. at the 6 she will probably have some slight memories that her father (your husband) hasnt always been in her life, and the few meeting will be there, tho right now she dont realize what it all means, but as she gets older it wont be a total shock when she find out cause she will have some idea about it. When she does answer them honestly. Let her come to her own terms about it. I got a feeling that she will be glad in your decision. Cause she waa raised by a loving father.

About the wife, tough one, guess my advice would be on my feelings about it. Me I would want to know.

Hi NoMore78 - Welcome. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. I would like you to know that if I were in your shoes, I probably would have handled things the same way. I don't have alot of time, but I just wanted to welcome you here.

He does pay me CS, just not thru the courts. He pays me $120/wk which I feel is fair....had we gone thru the courts, it would have been about $300/wk plus a portion of daycare, medical etc. He says even after the adoption, he still plans on doing this, whether he will or not remains to be seen but if he doesn't, it really doesn't matter to me. Money is not the most important thing in this world.

xMM is on the BC, so he'll have to sign off before my H can adopt but we have also found out we can do this w/o his W finding out. The notification papers do have to be served but can be done at his place of employment. And since xMM is more than willing to do so, it should be able to be done quickly and quietly.

I will never be the one to tell his wife, that is his family and his to deal with. I'm human and sometimes it hurts, not so much anymore, but it used to. He has 3 sons with his W, son # 2 is only two days older than OC and he is a good father to them and I used to wish he could be a father to OC...I've made my peace, but to be truthful, even when I was going thru that emotional rollar coaster, I never once thought of contacting W. That is all on xMM.

actually

it seems you have things quite under control now !!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree the xMM should be one to tell his wife, it is his place and hopefully he will be do the right thing. :-(

Sure wish all our OW was like you :-)

Since you was also lied to, I am sorry for your pain but glad to see that you are strong person and moving on and becoming a well adjusted and happy person.

I guess the way I always saw it, was that his W was just as much of an innocent party as was I and OC. Any anger I've had has always been directed at xMM. He was wrong. I've always been a survivor and playing a victim has never been a role I wanted.

Thunder...you asked if I really didn't have any clue? Honestly I didn't. I called him anytime I wanted to, we saw each other several times a week, sometimes just for lunch, sometimes we'd go out at night. I had been to his apartment (or what I thought was his apartment). I have an older child too and was always very careful with her...never letting her meet anyone I was dating until it was serious and never, until I met my now husband, did she ever see me wake up with someone. xMM and I were together for over a year before I got pregnant and he had met her on several occasions by then (my older daughter), although she knew him just as one of my friends.

I feel stupid now, like I should have known, but when I look at the situation, there is no way I could have known.

{{nomore}} Just hugs for being such a good woman and sister (the sisterhood of womanhood). I do think xMMW should know, but if your hubby is going to adopt OC then it is up to xMM to tell her. Be honest with your OC about the parentage. Then you can tell her how awesome it is that her "real" daddy (your hubby) choose both of you!!!