D-day was just over a year ago (6/10/05). He gave the ILYBINILWY speech, I snooped, I exposed, I plan A'd. He said he wanted a separation; I said you'll have to be the one to go and prepared for Plan B.

I went back to school and opened my own bank accounts. He totally freaked out. He begged for forgiveness, cut off all communication with the OW and wrote the NC letter. We've been in recovery since and things have been getting better and better every day.

BUT

I find myself thinking things like, "when my car is paid off and I leave" or "when [my son - 2 year old} starts school and I leave" or when I finish my degree and I leave."

Is this normal? Is it a phase? I am so confused. There are some days, when I am happy to be here in my marriage. Others, it feels like I am just biding my time...

Yep it's normal to flip flop back and forth like that.

It's usually an indication that the FWS isn't doing any hard work on their part to secure the relationship and make your M safe.

That non-committal causes the FBS to want to jump up and down on the fence all the time.

Ellein, post your story so we can see what's going on in your relationship. Then maybe we can help a little better.

Best regards,
Plank.

Thanks for making me feel like I'm not insane, Plank.

Let's see, my story:

OW was a co-worker of FWH. I was pregnant and he was having a bit of a crisis with that. He didn't want the responsibility of being a dad - it scared him to death, he says now.

He and OW had an EA that lasted for a little over a year. When she professed her undying love for him, he decided he wanted to leave me and be with her. But, of course, he and I would remain friends and raise our son together.

I basically told him no, that was unacceptable; we were married and I was going to try and save our marriage. I told everyone about the EA and sent an email to the OW telling her she would be named in any court documents that were filed.

OW freaked, quit her job and moved, but they were still emailing occasionally.

I was pleasantly surprised by the support I received from the in-laws. They told him if he left me, he also left them. My MIL fronted me the money to start back at school. My BIL offered to buy a house and let me and my son move in for free.

I made plans. FWS saw the reality of the situation he had created and took steps to end the affair, including blocking her email, changing his cell phone number, changing his email address and sending the NC letter. They have not had any contact in about 10 months. He is completely transparent with me and I am slowly regaining some trust in him.

He does work very hard at making me feel safe and loved, when he is here. The thing is he travels for his job a lot. Usually he is out of town Monday-Friday. Now that I think about it, my thoughts of leaving the marriage usually happen while he's gone. When he's here, I am usually at peace in the marriage.

Wow. I need to mull that over a bit. I hadn't realized how much his traveling was affecting my attitude.

Looks like an A-ha moment there, ellein!
I was the same way, altho my FWH didnt travel extensively, I felt shakey, unsure and like I wanted to leave too when he wasn't physically there.

I think its normal. It has faded with time. We are 2 yrs. 9 mos. past Dday and it has gotten better!

AT those moments, try to remember all that he is doing to improve and repair the M. Write a list - pull it out when you feel upset about things...

Is there anyway that he can cut down on his travel?

I would say that you had your ducks in a row! Good job!

I'm also glad that you realized that the problem lies with your FWH's job!

Let us know what comes of it!
Have a great day!

ellein,

I think the negative thoughts while your H is away is normal... unless I'm not normal. The same happens to me. When I'm spending time with my W, things go well... when she is spending time with her sisters or others, I start to feel down.

I realize this being an issue I have to deal with. I often told my W that neither me nor OM or anyone else can make her happy... she has to do that internally. I am just getting it now that I wasn't taking my own advice... I cannot rely on my W to make me happy.

When she is near, I am happy...when she is focused on others, I'm not. My problem, not hers. It is also a focus of your mind. When you start to think negative thoughts and you are alone, it really does help to consciously think of positive things. If you allow your mind to go down the negative path, it will continue until everything seems depressing and wrong.

Look at your recovery on a broader scale... never compare on a daily basis. Look at how things are going over a month or a year. The emotional rollercoaster is too frustrating to compare daily. The stress of dealing with that daily brings you down.

I believe you feeling like you want to run sometimes is also a defense mechanism. You have been hurt and your conscience, intuition, and body are helping to protect your emotions by being careful and not so vulnerable as before. It is difficult to committ fully, because now you are vulnerable to being hurt again. If you keep one foot out the door, it makes it easier. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, and overtime it should get easier. Just remember to not make any quick decisions when you are feeling down and weak. That is not the time to choose to leave... you must stick to your goal or plan throughout these times.

I almost gave in a couple of weeks ago during a down time and was going to leave... my W wasn't going to stop me. It would have been a huge mistake.

Keep posting and reading. Take time for yourself and do some of the things you love or always wanted to do. This time is for you... to heal, to grow, to become a strong, confident person.

Good luck.

Shaden

yes


probably


no, you're conflicted


yes, normal


I remember having almost identical thoughts at around 1 year recovery

hang in there

you are NOT crazy

((( hugs )))

Pep

regarding travel for work

my H works in film ... and when we were in early recovery (first 2 years) ... we decided it would be smart if he remained in town & did not do distant film locations .... one of the best decisions we made

FYI .... we are 10 years recovered & now ... HE doesn't want to be far from ME for very long ... coz he misses me too much !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Ellein,

Ding ding ding!

[color:"blue"] He does work very hard at making me feel safe and loved, when he is here. The thing is he travels for his job a lot. Usually he is out of town Monday-Friday. Now that I think about it, my thoughts of leaving the marriage usually happen while he's gone. When he's here, I am usually at peace in the marriage. [/color]

Your recovery is on a similar time line to my own.

What you said above makes perfect sense. He’s there and showing support and most importantly he is THERE.

There’s not really any room to wonder what he’s doing when he’s right there with you is there? He’s standing right there in front of you.

Now as far as him being away from you for so long. To me that would be an unacceptable arrangement. Dr. Harley says that working away from the home while traveling is a bad idea all together for healthy marriages.

I’m a shift worker, which he says is also bad for M’s, so I try my best to mitigate the negatives on our M. I work way less OT now and when I’m here I try to be as available as I can. I engage the family much more than I used to. My W has responded very favorably to this and has recently been describing emotions of happiness and joy.

But I have gone through, and still go through, episodes of trauma when we are apart. It only makes sense since all the bullsh*t that she did occurred when we were apart and my little brain knows this.

Hope this helps some, now I’m going back under my rock again,
Plank.