I'm new to this site, but from everything I've read it seems everyone on here has some really good advice so I'm hoping someone can help with my situation. I'm also going to apologize in advance that this will be a bit long.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 8 months (today actually). We have no children, but we do have a house, 3 dogs, combined finances, etc. I should also tell you that we met on the internet...a fluke meeting because I was never an internet chatter...i found him while looking for a friend of mine and struck up a conversation. I've never actually 'talked' to anyone else on line from that point. He was different, he was definitely a chatter but i never really had a problem with that.
About 4 years ago (2 years into our relationship), we ran into a rut - he had lost 2 jobs in a row, wasn't very motivated, as such I shut down sexually - i started feeling like his mother rather than his girlfriend. During that time, he spent A LOT of time on the internet. One day, i needed to find some information from an email that i had sent him and i had deleted, so i went to his computer and found the email. while i was looking, i noticed an email with the subject line "interested?". it may have been wrong, but i opened it and found that he had been conversing with a girl and there was a time set up to meet. i confronted him with this and he explained that yes, he had been talking to her, but he never intended to meet - she had suggested that and he couldn't take it to that next level. after a long time and much back and forth, i chose to give him another chance. things got much better and i felt we had a good thing back.
Then last year, i was helping a friend of mine - who is single - we were looking at singles ads on yahoo to find her a date. we put in a zip code and found my husband - with an ad posing him as single. at this point we were engaged. i was furious and hurt and totally distrusting of him. however, i wasn't ready to throw in the towel and my heart 'knew' that he hadn't actually physically been with anyone. that gave me a bit of comfort although i knew it was the lying that had to be worked on. we went into couples counseling and our communication improved by leaps and bounds. again, i chose to forgive him and trust him again.
For the past year and a half our communication has been very open, we've been extremely happy and our sex life has never been better. We got married and recently returned from the honeymoon. We even experimented a bit with alternative sexual activities to keep things interesting for both of us. I brought it up - not him...so i'm not being pressured into anything or giving him what he wants. i don't believe that monogomany is for everyone, but i do believe honesty is required for everyone. I figured it was VERY clear that I'm open minded and will give consideration to anything...but i will not accept lying.
Until last week. Last week, I found out that he has been placing ads on singles websites again - this time as a married man looking for discreet encounters without me. the ads are very specific as to times when he would be available with regard to his schedule and that he's not looking for anything emotional, just sex. I confronted him and he swears that there hasn't been anything physical. he says he's still in love with me, and that it's not anything he's lacking in our relationship and he never intends to go outside of our marriage for anything physical or emotional. to be honest, i don't care about that....i care about the lying and the disrespect that he has shown me. i've told him all this, we're both going into individual counseling and also marital counseling.
I'm extremely hurt and feel totally betrayed, especially considering i'm not one to keep anyone 'on a short leash'. I'm open to all kinds of suggestions - however, he knows i can't promise that I'll agree or approve of everything that's brought up.
I have no idea at this point whether i'll ever be able to respect or trust him again. i'm going to counseling to help me sort out whether I can - and if i can't, i will leave. it's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship that's not built on 100% trust.
So, my question is (finally) - has anyone given their partner multiple chances? has anyone actually been able to improve the situation after multiple offenses and breaks of trust? is it worth my time to work on this any more? are there any reformed cheaters (or active for that matter) who can explain the lying to me if the wife is open to new things? I do love this man with all my heart and i think that deep down he is a good person who loves me - but if he can't stop lying - how can it work?
Thanks for reading....
