Well my H has been gone for 4 days now, and I'm starting to think I'm going to lose my mind. I've come so close to asking him to come home just so that I don't have to be alone anymore. It's so lonely in this place by myself. I know it won't help us any if he does come back but it's so tempting.
We've been talking on the computer the last few days and for the first time in months we're not fighting.
Someone please tell me this will get easier, how am I ever going to get threw this?

Deluded,

Many of us here understand the lonliness and wanting spouse to come home. I also faced the same thing. What I was told to do during the time H is gone is to focus on yourself. There are a lot of great people who will give you suggestions, please listen carefully to what they tell you. It has helped me tremendously.

I can't offer many suggestions since I haven't been here that long myself. For me it's been almost 2 months when I was facing the same thing you are.

For now, take one day at a time, heck a minute or an hour at a time. Whatever you need.

Tell us about yourself. How long married, any children, is there OW involved? Where is H staying at now?

Have you read Plan A?

Tell you about myself, well I'm 26 and my H is 31. We just got married on new years eve, and it was 3 years last tuesday since we met. There are no children only 12 pets, and no there's no OW only physical and mental abuse.
My H is staying with a friend about 45 minutes from here.
I have read most of plan A but we're not really to that point yet. I don't want him in the house until we get help and I really don't want to talk to him about our issues unless we are somewhere safe, being alone with him is not safe.
I really don't want him here because I know we will fight, I'm just so lonely and hurt. All I can think is it wasn't suspost to be this way. All I wanted was to be happy and have a nice simple life and what do I have? an f-ing mess.

I can't take it, how am I ever going to do this long term. We don't start MC for another week, and I'm so lonely. I human contact.

NO Plan A in cases of physical abuse

Plan Protection

You just got married and he hits you???

yes or no?

Pep

drugs or alcohol ???

either of you???

actually

who is the abuser..
you
him
both...

I don't mean that harshly..but often there reciprocal patterns.....

this is a safe place to discuss

ARK^^

ok he had hit me once before we got married.
He's the abuser, it's not me trust me on that one.
and no drugs, alcohol here and there but always in a social setting. It doesn't cause the abuse.
For the most part it's not physical abuse, just mental. He always feels bad after and swears this time he really is going to change. I don't hold out much hope anymore.

what are themes of the fights..

money
jealousy
what is the pattern...

how does it occur..

fighting patterns become familiar...
both parties often take on the same roles over and over again...

name calling
bringing up past things ad-nauseum
re-hashing the same issue...

what's your pattern
what's his...
you gotta break the pattern..
you gotta break the pattern to model for him breaking the pattern
you have to both learn to fight fair with goal being resolution not obtuse apologies....


welcome to marriagebuilders

ARK

the theme would be his anger and jealousy. It occurs if I spend to much time in the barn. If I talk to male customers at work. If I play with the dogs in the house.
My pattern I guess would be that even though I know these things bother him I do them anyway. Also when he does get mad about it I walk away from him.
His would be that he feels I disrespect him by not doing things the way he wants. Or that by asking him to help me around the house that I'm bugging him. That I should not spend so much time in the barn/with the dogs..and more time doing his laundry, making his meals and so on.
I really don't spend that much time doing these things, not as much as i'd like to because I do everything in the house. In the 2.5 years we've lived together he has never done the dishes, the lanudry, swept or even made the bed. I don't think I'm that unfair to him, but maybe I am.