Hubby and I are going in circles in MC, I`m honest, he candy coats it.This is a losing battle. I told the MC I could walk out right here now and start a divorce. MC say`s don`t throw the baby out with the wash. How are we supposed to get to the bottom of WH`s abuse, affairs ect if he candy coats everything? Its obvious he is not one bit sorry or wants to do anything to rebuild our marriage, except to tell MC he loves me. MC wants us both to try and not rehash anything from the past, she wants us to be nice to each other and come back next week.Well what the heck.Should I look for another MC or try to do as she says?

Aptiva, sorry you're having a tough time, hang in there the ride is usually rocky. Our MC was extremely patient with H behavior and "explanations" during councelling-I think it's a way of allowing him to feel comfortable so he let's his guard down and eventually starts talking about his real feelings.

It took several months of MC and a separation for my H to really "get it" and start taking responsiblity for his decisions. He still goes back and forth a bit, we're still working on the trust issue but he has made progress.

Sometimes during MC I could almost feel myself roll my eyes at how empathetic she seemed to be towards H, but I did see his response towards her questions soften. If your H's initial response to acusation, bringing up tough issues, is to be defensive or aggressive your MC may feel she has to "soften him up a bit".

You are your own best judge as to what you are comfortable with. Try to patient and see where it's going but if you find yourself with your finger down your throat too often maybe it's time for a private discussion with this councellor or finding another one alltogether.

The fact that he's "candy coating" everything means he's not ready to be held accountable for his actions. Maybe MC's suggestion of not rehashing and just being nice for a while is meant to give him a sense of security so he feels safe opening up and taking responsibility.

I think this falls under Dr Phil's usual mantra- "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?". Obviously you're right to demand he face his past behavior and take responsibility for it and the work that is needed to improve BUT he's not there yet. Focus on improving you, how can you contribute to steering this mess back onto the right track.

Try to make every day during the next week a great one...

I would call her up and ask if this suggestion is meant to only be TEMPORARY. If so, ask what her strategy is to get the truth out. Because you aren't going to reach a place of recovery until the truth is out there. This is all information that you must have in order to recover. No truth, no recovery.

If she doesn't understand that you must have radical honesty in order to recover, then you should find an EXPERIENCED MC who understands how to recover from infidelity. Many MC don't have a clue about infidelity and will just waste your money and time.

Thanks I know where you are coming from and I do understand but this has been years of trying to get honest answers out of him. Was my idea of of going to an MC for one last shot at this marriage.This is how he has gotten through his life was candy coating things or dening.It must be a terrible way to live.Hence his drinking.
And yes I guess I should have more patience, but at this time in the game they are worn thin. He has become a pro at hiding and dening so I really don`t think the MC will break him down.
At this point I don`t even know if we are making the next MC app.He makes excuses at to why he can`t make them, his last excuse was, I dont know if I can get home soon enough from work to make it.This is so exhausting. Thanks again apl

Melodylane thanks for your input too. You hit it right on the head. I have told MC right from the start I need RH to go on she understood and MC also told H that I need that to go on.
She sees in our meetings that it is a circle. I`m going to make a personal app and see just what her plans are.

Mc was intersting today, we just went in the usual circle, told WH I needed radiacal honesty to go on.Same old stuff in counseling. Wh asked the MC if there was a pill to fix my problem. Of course she said no.What he says just does`nt suprise me.Does he not get it or what?

Isn't radical honesty great!!!!
FWS would never agree to moving forward without it if they were the BS. But we are the crazy ones.

I went in the same circle for 3yrs.
You should have FWH read some of my posts about how much damage her unwillingness to commit to radical honesty has caused.

The A hurts and causes damage. The lying just compounds it.

I will tell you how I finally got it from my FWW. Josephs letter which of course she didn't agree with and then this statment.

I am done asking about this. I know you have not been honest with me up until this point. If you chose to continue to be dishonest with me then I will never trust you again. Never ask me when I am going to trust you again. The answer is never if you continue to lie. If you want to live the rest of our life together with me not trusting you that is your choice. I will not trust you until I know you are telling me the truth. You wouldn't trust me if I wasn't honest with you and the same holds true for me. I am fine not knowing if you are fine with me never trusting you. The choice is yours the ball is in your court.

I showed WH Josephs letter months ago,no comment from him. I will have him read some of yours posts and see what he has to say. But I really don`t think it will phase him, hes a tuff cookie.His only input into a marriage is just to provide nothing else. MC is going to see us separatly next week I`ll see what she says then.

Our MC told hubby outright that she wouldn't be able to help us, and wouldn't even try if he didn't quit drinking. A few weeks later he quit as an Anniversary gift to me. In the meantime me and MC focused on me and my issues.

After three months of his dry-out she began working with him again, warning him that until he had about a year of sobriety he would not be able to 'see clearly' as daily drinking changes your perceptions drastically.

It has been a year and a half and hubby still has an occasional glass of wine with me but the daily 12pack is a thing of the past, and he never even has a beer.

That made a huge difference in our recovery. Hope this helps.

Thanks for your reply. WH has been really drink free for 4 years now, guess I did`nt phrase that right.He really had stopped the drinking once he was fog free.His behavior is so different than what it used to be, told MC it is like two different people. I don`t know how long or if he will ever be honest and admit and I don`t even know at this time if I can go on in MC with his Bull crap. When we did get back from MC he says well, you know about me and her. I said,I don`t know really anything because all you have said is that you were friends for all those years, everything she has told me you have denied.He again wanted to know what she said.LOL.No No NO ain`t goin there.LOL

Well Im done trying, I can`t do anymore, I`ve done everything I could possibly do.WH will not budge an inch. If he admits something he covers his answer up with something else. MC said we both know he is`nt ever going to admit anything. But he is treating you better now, and says I need to stop living in the past.Well what does MC not understand I have just gottin more info on WH so yes this may have went on a fews years back but it feels like it happened yesterday and I don`t even know if he is still in contact with her. So what, I need RH to go on with this marriage.Where does his honesty begin and the lies stop? I will never ever trust him. MC says I`m stressed well NO DUH! There is much more I have to deal with then just WH. So MC says come to her to vent. Well heck I can do that on MB which I think is much better, and its cheaper too.Tried talking to WH again, as for now we are not really speaking to each other only when we have to, heck I`m used to it we have done that for years.So much for WH and MC.

Aptiva,

This is normal FWS behavior.

I will tell you this sometimes they may need a wake up call.

It may be plan B for you.

I don't think my FWW really thought I would ever leave her.

I think she now sees I will.

The truth lets you peal the onion and get to the bottom of it for lack of a better term.

You know the problems we probably should have addressed weren't because of her cover ups.

Going in circles is exactly what it is.

I love the joke how do you know when a lawyer is lying. When his lips are moving. That is how I looked at my FWW. Unfairly maybe but when you deal with a person that can lie so easily you have to wonder what the truth is.

I agree with you about how it becomes new again.

It is a little over a month since my FWW last set of truths came out. I can tell you they hurt more because she knew I was hurting knowing she was lying. She had the power to stop that with honesty. It was hard knowing she was ok with that. It would be one thing if their lies were convincing but when they aren't it made me feel like she thought I was stupid. I would have had to have been to believe what she was telling me.

One statment my FWW made was whats the difference if it was one time or every day it happened. I said do you really believe that and she said yes. I said fine then if you really beleive that why did you lie about it for so long? No answer to that question.

I also said if you really believe that then you are giving me a free pass to do everything other then what you admitted to the first time. If it is no big deal or it didn't matter then as long as I do just those things it would be ok. Right? She said no it wouldn't. HMMM

I agree with you, I know how they are.Its just that I`m tired of it all. He has made remarks to me such as I loved her only to cover that up in MC, as I feel like you made me say it,I don`t love her and the list goes on.He knows I have nowhere to go so he knows I can`t leave him now even though I said the words to him today.He also thinks MB is putting ideas in my head. I tell him look at the site name.lol. I will no longer go to Mc anymore he last day is tomorrow.

OK , REMEMBER WHAT YOU,VE DONE FOR ME , HANG IN OK, YOU KNOW I CANT GIVE ADVICE , BUT YOU KNOW I CAN LISTEN

Thank you oddmanout very much.I may take you up on that.As I said keep posting here there are wonderful people here to guide us and give us strength

I do not understand giving up this counselor with NO alternitive plan in place...

you already feel lost...
BUT
you have a husband WILLING to go to counseling...
which is a lot more than some have...

and YOU are quiting...

hurtingless gave you awesome awesome advice about what to say to him....

also you must look at your role in your response to his honesty...
does he get slurped up and down one side and the other when honest...

is he AFRAID of your response?
should he be...?

so what is your plan here...

ARK

He was given a chose to go to MC or I was leaving him. In MC he lies to the MC. I have tried EVERYTHING with him as far as getting him to talk and to be honest for YEARS. He is a man that has always lived in denial of many things.Some people no matter how wonderful you are understanding ect. They live in their state of denial. Thats the bottom line. I know what needs to be done and I am greatful for everyones advice, but I have lived this for many years and I know this person better than he knows himself.Step B needs to be done this I know, but I have nowhere to go he knows this so this is why he really does`nt have to come completely clean. And he says he is`nt leaving so what is one to do.I have pleaded with him many years to do this for us to make our marriage stronger, better. I AM the BS and will continue to be no matter where we end up.he has just stood here reading what I have typed and says are`nt you scared someone will put ideas in your head? he does not unserstand that I have a brain of my own and feelings of my own. This shows you he does`nt accept
my feelings or realize what damage he has done to us. My WH thinks its ok to cheat.He has never understood what a marriage is or can be.So you ask how can I quit? Im not someone who has been married 2 years, 10 years,I`ve been married to this man for 31 years.And when I say married I mean ME not him. He has always came and went as he pleased. My children and I have suffered for his choices.I was the one that always worked on this marriage gave my all. Never thinking of myself, always my WH and children. I ask you how much can one give? When do we realize we need to start thinking of ourselves? On what will make US happy? I`d say 31 years of giving someone a chance to improve is far more than what other people are givin.I have no more chances to give. I want I need. Therefore I am taking.I`m due.

so are you plan Bing or divorcing..

ark^^

Well thats where Im confused I guess. I have been a stay at home mom for most of my married life tending kids ect and mostly tendinig a child that is mentally impaired and now blind.So I have no place to go, no work to fall on, a grown child that still needs someone in the home with him.I have looked for work as most know jobs are hard to come by.No vehicle to depend on. MC says you know it will be hard and yes I do know.So what do I do live in a lie like I have for years? Say its ok for what you have done continue as you wish without owning up to anything you have done? I`ll stay with you and continue to be your doormat? Wipe your feet on me some more? It may take me awhile but I will do what I need to do.When and if he chooses to come around is up to him he paves the road to recovery, I`m not living a lie anymore.

WH and I had a talk, told him I was moving out. he said don`t give up on us, you`ll see I will prove to you things will only get better. These are words this man has never spoken to me ever. And really its scarey to hear them because of the lack of trust. We have been spending everyday together due to his being off work, not talking about the issues at hand. I`m trying to not go there right now so he feels more comfortable talking to me. Its hard not to question him about his past infidelities, some days I don`t think of it then there are days when they pop in my head and the hurt is back. He had bought new wedding rings I feel funny wearing one, I have`nt in years and he would never wear one but chooses to now. So I just feel right now like I`m going with the flow. I know if he makes one slip up Im outta here. This heart just can`t take anymore hurt.