Here's the deal, my friends.

I have been so busy with school lately. I started up two weeks ago to take the 4 cert. classes I need to start teaching HS English in the fall. I have an interview (keep you fingers crossed, I fing out tomorrow), I've been dealing with a realtor and a lawyer, and of course my regular job, and most importantly, still trying to be a good mom.

I am saying all that BECAUSE Wh, soon to be the XH as you all know, seems to think he can call me whenever he'd like to "talk."

Now, I know some might see this as a good sign. But for anyone following my saga, it's all an act most times. And, more importantly, I'm done with this.

For example, he calls at 12:30 in the morning (you know--like thirty minutes after midnight) to ask me if I thought he was a good dad. And to tell me about his new apartment and how lonely he is there.

Good dad? Puh-lease. Just two days ago I asked if he was going to see the baby this month--his answer--"I've already seen him this month." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

See, I am past the pointof saving this. I realizr that he is only calling me because OW is out of town and is kind of on the outs with him this week. (It's been up and down lately according to him.)

He even asked why I don't call him--because OW's XH calls her all the time. In other words, he wants to use me to make her jealous.

I don't answer if he calls my cell phone. Ever. Unless he has the boys or I know he is calling for them.
But he calls my work phone, which I work from 5pm-7amalmost every day--so I have to answer.

Guess what I'm asking is how do i deal with him without coming across as harsh? I am a kind person. I hate to see him at this place in his life--but he made all these choices himsef. AND I know I am just somewhat of a back-up emotional gas pump for him until OW is back in town. In fact, I wouldn't dooubt if we both got the same text messages--he probably sends me and OW the same messgaes.

I want to be able to coparent with him, but I don't want to be his buddy. I do, however, want to continue to show Christian love to him.

Any thoughts?

He's one needy man, I tell you.

Well, Intexas, YOU undoubtedly taught him to "think" he can do this...so NOW it is time for him to "UNTHINK" he can do this........FROM YOU.

You are a smart woman, capable of single parenting multiple children, working all day and going to school....SO, I don't think for a second you don't know what to do here.

Lem

I agree with LM. He needs to be a big boy and stand by his choices. Don't make it easier for him.

Maybe a simple, "Can't talk now... gotta leave the line clear for work" would help?

Kudos to you for making the career jump. You are an awesome, strong woman.... going to school, working, raising the kiddos and answering the phone all night. Do you have a cape in your closet, by any chance? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SO, when he calls my work number, do I just say sorry, please don't call me unless it involves the children? And then hang up (key part here being "hang up.")?

I want to maintain a healthy enough relationship to coparent, and that is ALL.

Thanks Lem and B.

You know, like last night when he called so stinkin' late, I was very uninvolved and detached inthe conversation. He says to me "I'm proud of you for moving on so well."

really, proud of me?
How's that for condescending, manipulating and meant for sympathy. I ownder if he knows I can see through all his crud now?

No, but I need to get one. Next year (like in august--I am speaking of teaching year) I will have to work the two jobs--teaching and non-profit mananagement just to make it. Childcare is sooooo expensive. Hopefully, it won't be too bad. I'm trying to stay optimistic. I wish I had family here to help. But, I can do this. Positive self-talk--man, I'm loving that lately.

Well, he is "proud" of you doing so well because this relieves more of his guilty conscience. That was a 100% strcitly self serving point he made.

Doesn't matter...detached is good. You can develop a healhy relationship to co-parent and still maintain boundaries that he can not cross. He is not your friend or lover anymore. I am not saying be disrespectful, but be firm with what you and will not tolerate from him.

Lemonman

he's emotionally needs...and imho cruel in being this way.

if he wants the bimbo, let him have her...she's winning a prize ain't she???lmao.

I'd tell her that "I DON'T TALK TO UNAVAILABLE MEN"...
totally say something like that to make him get it...just the opposite of what he'd expect.

lemme tell yea a good night story...a few years back...I used to get calls from my then H...we were separated...but he wasn't done with the wanting contact. I believed also I could talk to him regularly at that time b/c of my ds.

eventually his calls led to several "late night requests" full of repentance, sadness and false verbage of recovery talk...usually b/c he'd had a cocktail or two.

One night he called, wanted to talk to ds, but ds was asleep as it was almost 11 pm *what is with ws? with their internal clocks? they're broken*...he then said "well peachy honey, why don't you just go downstairs and unlock the front door. I'll be over in about 10 minutes and we can do some cathing up...I know you're a good girl and haven't done anything bad with any guys...so I'll help you with that" (like that was supposed to make me want him or something?)....I said "sure thing darth...I will leave the front door unlocked."

I also had been dealing with a cold and flu symptoms and felt like crud. I had needed $$ so bad that I had even gone to work sick....back then. I was as you could guess outraged and angry at the WS for his wanting a booty call.

so what's a bs to do? easy...MORE LIGHT OF DAY STUFF...MORE SHOCK AND AWE! I knew that the mistress must be out of town....but she always had her affair cell phone glued to her hip and ear according to all accounts my private investigator said...and I had that darn number! I called it...she answered. at this point they'd been in their affair a year so it was heavy fantasyland...I told her promptly that "you'd best keep my husband on a shorter leash as he thinks he's coming over tonight for some hot sex from me..." she began crying and screaming at me....hysterically... then the horrid and vengeful ow said "WHY ARE YOU (ME?) DOING THIS TO ME? WHY?" I said "because YOU'RE A LOUSY HOMEWRECKER AND A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I also informed her in my benadryl induced haze that "he does this every once and a while and I just don't want it anymore"...and then went on to inform her that contrary to whatever he told her, we had always before this mistake of an affair, a good sex life and he must be missing that great benefit of being wtih me, HIS WIFE...

she was livid. she was ffreaking out! she accused ME OF BEING THE OW? WTF?

let's just say I ended call by telling her if she didn't believe me to call my old home. t hat if I was lying HE WOULD BE HOME...she called home..he was NOT there...I told her he'd be on his cell. she caught him out at midnight on his cellphone on the way to my house.

uh...can we say busted?

Hehehe.

I think you've shared that with me before. Love it!!!

He wants me to call him and he wants to let her know! He wants OW to be jealous. While that cracks me up, I'll stick instead with your "I don't talk to unavailable men." Classic. And I think it really gets the point across.

I need to get back to studying. Midterm is tomorrow at 8am. Yuck! It's on school law and other good stuff.

Do you have an answering machine that you can use on your home phone? Can you tell him to call you at work only if it is business related? Can you tell him that you need to watch cell phone usage and that he should call you only if it emergency?

Just think of it as a business relationship. Keep everything cut and dry and business like, which is SOOOO much easier said than done, I'm finding out. But hey, I can aspire to it. I've heard that some parents use a notebook to pass back and forth with the kid exchange, to share important CHILD-RELATED info so they don't even have to talk to each other. I think I'm going to go that route myself.

Maybe he's starting to crack?

Oh, and JustPeachy... LOVED your anecdote. That is priceless!!

I would blow his mind...
I would say..

wow!! it's you...I am sooo glad you called!!
gotta run...see ya....

OOOH thanks for calling!!
but it's really not a good time..
I'm busy...
toodles....

and blow him off time after time after time..

ARK

What a selfish thing to do, try to keep you both hanging on, trying for the attention of two women (and I use the term loosely for the active OW).

Why not be honest? Why not explain pretty much what you have explained here??

He thinks a D won't change a thing between you. The faulty logic of a fogged out WS...

Next time he calls expalin you will not be friends with him. You cut people out of your life who lie and betray you. But you have children together and know you have to still contact each other, will see each other at graduations and weddings.

You can inform him, no, you do not think he is a good father, but gone are the days where he has to live with your expectations, and he is doing what he thinks is best.

Be HONEST!! No games, no emotions.

Have you seen Pretty Woman, where Richard Gere's character asks an ex-girlfriend if he talked with his assistant more than him and she says, "I invited her to my wedding."

But by being honest means you really have to know yourself too. Take some time, think back over the conversations you have had, think about what you WOULD have said if you were being truly honest. This will be good practice for the next few phone calls.

My guess? This honesty will scare the living alien in him and he will limit his calls to you...won't want to hear your truth...

That's pretty powerful--in a self-reflective kind of way. I know that I didn't begin my own recovery in this until I let go of the fear that I had for so long. Not the fear of losing him, but the fears of so many other things--mainly him hurting himself. But once I realized that was his manipulation tool, I threw that one out the window. It is freeing--VERY--to let something like that go.

Sometimes all this just hits me and I feel like a load of bricks has hit me head on again. ANd other times I feel so empowered.

Today has been what I haev called a "stinging" day. You know--like when you see something that triggers you--that sting you feel. For me, it was a friend who stoppped by with her husband waiting in the car with thekids--it was a sting moment for me--wishing I could just blink and make all this go away--me having a H again, a family intact.

These moments are fleeting. And don't happen a lot. And when they do, I kind of feel like I am being jealous of something I don' have, and then I usually pop back into the "I'm gonna make it" mode. Today, well, today it just feels lonely. Probably because I am on duty all weekend, which means I can't leave the house till Monday a.m.

Back to the issue of WH calling--what about when they DO NOT respect the boundaries you've asked for. Like at 4am last night he texted me!!! I did not respond, but I was livid--it woke me and baby up. I don't have a home phone, just cell. The main issue is my work phone (which,as I have said before, i work where I live) and I HAVE to answer that phone because of the nature of my job--hospital could call any minute for a patient's family.

Thanks everyone for replying. I can always count on this place.

Sounds like your WH is in the teenage stage that some WS's revert to when they are in an affair. They do these childish things that really blow your mind. My wife would start shouting 'blah, blah, blah!' if I tried to talk to her sometimes.

Texting you at 4am is obviously lame. What was the purpose of the text? I'd definately tell him to stop that. This silly behaviour and the effort to use you to make his girlfriend jealous is only going to make his respect for you diminish if you allow it.

Hmmm...now he's texted me again and wants me to consider dating him again.

Does he not realize that I can see through all this? That there's murly waters in the affair boat he's on and again, I'm good ole' nice intexas that he thinks he can fall back on for that "fix."

Maybe he is regretting this some--but come on, I see through this. I have lost respect for him, Sundog. And I am tired of being used. That's the history in one word--used. Only for his selfishness.

wha...?

Tell him you don't take men who are spoken for. That will strike a chord.

Wow... that is some nerve he has!

I've said that before.

Then he'll say something along the lines of, we hould just give it a try.

But I am done. Flat out. The Lord himself would have to skywrite it in the clouds for that decision to change, as I have approached this with prayer, and well, endurance. I tried to save this. I KNOW I tried. Just like I know I am being used, again. Or should I say--he's attempting. Not gonna happen here.

It just makes me angry as all-get-out that he does this crud. There's no "i'm sorry" involved, though. Not unless it's getting harder and harder for him. Then he'll throw in the tears, etc.

He says he knows deep down I still want to work on this. Is that cocky? saying this while he has still has a girlfriend, mind you.

URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TELL YOU DON'T DATE MEN WHO ARE UNAVAILABLE.
use MY line I use...tell him "that's what I say to men like this when they ask me out".

tell him if he's willing to repent, change, and adhere to six months of ic, mc, and MB intensive training, you'll go out to dinner with him. but THAT HE HAS TO WORK FOR YOU! make em' work girl!

and save the text...you will want to print them off for his evil girlfriend/ow.