I am new to this forum but have been referring to the website for a about a month now ever since I confirmed my WS has been having an A. I have been trying to follow the guidance contained here but I wanted to see if I am on the right track with restoring my M...basically I need some support and some fresh objective viewpoints!

First, here is our story....
My WS & I have been together since we were 17 & now we are 34. For the last 5yrs we've been M. 18mths into our M, WS insisted on a separation because his repeated requests for me to meet an EN of his were being ignored. Which was a fair call. WS moved into a mate's place which the OW was sharing. WS agreed to go to MC after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder II. The MC gave me the courage & means to start addressing WS's unmet EN. Over next 12mths, WS & I slowly rebuilt our M but it seems WS was building his A. I discovered it by looking at his email account. On confrontation, he agreed to to end A. WS was withdrawn and then our M seemed to go from strength to strength. We did the EN Questionaire & WS' original unmet EN was downgraded in priority but another came up - Recreational Companionship. Due to his medical training, WS was posted to 2 hospitals on opposite side of city. WS would stay in hospital on nights he was required to do overtime...well, as it turns out, not all nights were spent doing overtime! Over the last 12mths WS was making a concerted effort to spend most nights at home with me. WS said he was happy with me, liked hanging out with me & that I was his best friend. I finally started to relax. At the beginning of a well-earned trip O/S for both of us, I caught WS emailing OW. For next 4weeks, WS confirmed that our M had a future, that A had not been going well over last 12mths (their talk or marriage had stopped) and he had recently discovered OW was seeing another guy. WS stated that he loved me very dearly but that he also loved her. On returning home from trip, WS immediately asked for 'time out' to think things through. He was supposed to be staying with a mate. After a week, WS said he wanted to separate and that I should move on with my life. 1 mth has passed & we have kept in constant contact with SMS and phone calls. WS & I have even been on a couple of 'dates' with each other. He is adamant that he loves me and has said he is sorry about the mess we are in. He has said on many occasions that I am a wonderful person. He has also requested that we don't get heavy as he can't work out what to do. I have been trying to do this in the hope that this builds up the Love Units. Only on a couple of occasions have I asked if our M has a future and WS has said he feels it does. Problem is, on several occasions he has not been clear about his location when we've been on the phone, even when I've asked if he has been honest with me. I have now snooped into his email and credit card statement and have confirmed the worst, WS is staying with OW. I gently raised this issue with WS this morning on the phone which he relunantly admitted that he was seeing OW a lot more than he had originally admitted to. WS said he was trying to patch up their 'friendship' and that he still suspected OW of seeing someone else. He said that he & OS were not having sex. WS agreed that he could not see me as anything other than his W and that he is terrified of losing me...but that he didn't want to lose her either. I pointed out that if our M was to continue that he could not have OW as a friend. WS' immediate reaction was that this was not acceptable but quietly agreed that he could understand where I was coming from when I pointed out that this could only provide more opportunity for another affair. In the meantime, I have had a PI watching OW's place and its been confirmed he is staying there. The PI also mentioned that there has not been any public displays of affection either. WS is not aware of this surveillance.
Since this conversation this morning, WS has sent 2 SMS messages stating he cannot talk to me because he is too stressed and that he is not ready to leave OW and come home. But both times WS has said he loves me & that he thinks I am a wonderful person. At the moment
I have SMS'ed him back to say that I can only imagine the stress he is under, that the lines of communication are open and that I love him. I have said we can talk soon about anything he wants.
In the meantime, I have told my family, my boss and close friends. I have taking tennis lessons (this was something we discovered we both liked whilst on holidays) and going to the gym. I am meeting with a counsellor to make sure I am dealing with all these issues as sensibly as possible.
Surprisingly, WS told his mother & grandmother about the A... both are furious and confused! Even WS' 2 closest friends (he has stopped contact with a lot of his friends) have said he needs to make a decision with one of them saying he should return to me.

Am I making any blunders here? Do I need to be considering any other options? Any help or tips would be really useful at this time for me. Many thanks!

Your H will not make a choice etiher way until he`s forced to. He has no incentive to change because he has two women meeting all of his needs. He is having his cake and eating it too.

This situation will eventually cause you to lose all of your love for your H. And then it will be game over.

I suggest that you read through the entire site if you have not already. Pay close attention to Plan B. I think that may be your best option at this point.

Plan B is to cut all contact with your H so he can figure out what he wants to do. He must give up the OW completely and permanently otherwise your marriage is doomed. It also removes you from the triangle which with help to prevent your love bank from running dry.

Have you considered calling an MB counsellor?

DeterminedinLove.

Sorry you have to be here on this site, but you have found a great resource. The people here got me through my worst times.

Daisy is right... and she knows what she is talking about... can give you excellent help.

Also, I would recommend the book "Tough Love" by Dr. Dobson. The strategy may be slightly different in that book then here on MB... but the end goal is the same... to first, help you to become a stronger, better person... and then, help you to recover your marriage if both partners want this.

You cannot change your H... only yourself. You can make sure you are the most attractive option... but more importantly, you are getting stronger for yourself.

Daisy is correct that your H is getting the best of both worlds, so why would he make any changes?

Keep reading and posting, others with more experience in this part of the "game" can help you out more than I. The best thing you can do right now is read up on affairs. Become an expert so that you can understand what your H is going through and what you need to do to get past this.

Patience.

Shaden