I knew it. I just knew it. Everyone who knows him has said there's something missing here. For anyone who remembers, I always thought it was strange that h and I were intimate the evening of June 27, the morning of June 28 and very loving and affectionate, in fact he told me that d and I were the only things he lived for. He went to work that morning and came home difficult as hell. Said he didn't love me any more. By August 5, he was gone. It just always seemed so weird that things seemed fine and then , during the day, he fell apart. From that day forward, he threatened suicide, cried, yelled - was a completely different person. No one who knows him thinks he is in love with this child he's been seeing. It's always seemed as if there was a huge piece of this puzzle missing....to everyone. All of a sudden, the wife and child he adored, he said never meant anything to him - all in the space of one day.<P>Anyway, I've been nervous as all get-out for two days - just knew something was up. He's gone through thousands of dollars since June. Yet doesn't have money for groceries and gas. Borrowed another 2000 from his dad. I thought Sweetie was taking it. <P>He just called. Locked himself out of the car about an hour away and didn't have money for a locksmith - wanted to know if I had a spare key for the car. I don't. He's coming over after he gets in the car to pick up a few things.<P>Anyway - I asked him what the dr. said at his appt Tues. Nothing really. She was running late and there wasn't time to get a complete physical because he had another appt at 4:00. Then he slipped and said the appt was with an attorney. He realized what he said and then said "Not for us, another matter I have to take care of." I didn't ask any questions. Afraid it would push him too hard and I've been seeing bits and pieces of the "real" h too much lately. Now, he could've been lying about it not being about us, but.......the attorney is not in either of the cities that we live in, somewhere completely different.<P>His mom has said all along that she though he had gotten into some kind of trouble that he didn't want anyone to know about. No, he's never been in trouble before in his life.<P>I don't know what's going on. Does anyone know how I might find out???? Today, I'm just gonna try to be wonderful and give him a card I had bought with a note that I am here for him - anytime he needs me. I KNOW there's something wrong. I've known it all along.<P>Got any ideas for snooping anyone? If I find out the truth on my own, maybe I can help. And that removes an obstacle in that he doesn't have to tell me.<P>Thanks, I'm a wreck right now.<P>Lori

This is tooooo weird. His brother just called. He's on the way too. Haven't seen or talked to him in weeks, since he took me to dinner.<P>Gotta go.<P>lori

I bet you find out today without any snooping!<P>Good luck... and you do deserve to know, since you are still legally married and it could come back on you somehow. <P>Let us know, and if you don't find out we can all put our heads together and work on it.<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

lostva - Your H sounds a bit psychotic. But do you know what it also sounds like? I don't think "Sweetie" is what he needs the money for. It may be that he's also a compulsive gambler (as well as a cheater) and that this is what he needs all that money for? Either that, or drugs - these really are the two main possibilities I think you should look at. If it's drug use, it should be obvious to you when he's high. If it's compulsive gambling, that's a little tougher to figure out, but I'd say, if it's NOT drug use then it probably IS compulsive gambling. This may take the form of embezzlement or using company funds for bad investments? Just thoughts. But you need to have some kind of "theory" before you can actually start to figure out what's going on. (Something obviously is.) Hope this helps. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Yeah sometimes there's much more than the obvious. It seems that maybe you'll know tonight.I agree you NB you do deserve to know, but sometimes although they like to share the good things with us, they panick with the bad, and instead of confiding in us and have our help, they get into more trouble untill they're so much in there they have no idea of how to get out.<BR>GOod luck today, I'll be looking for your next post.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited October 02, 1999).]

Nothing to tell. I was writing fast before - had to rush before he got here. What he said was "had ANOTHER appt w/ my attorney". Then stopped himself and reassured me it wasn't for divorce. later in the conversation he said it was in the other city. Don't know where the money went. In all these years, he's never gambled before, never done drugs (he has a health problem that drugs will definitely make worse). <P>Any way, BIL showed up. Hubby never did. Now that was weird. "I'm getting the locksmith across the street and leaving right away. Be there in an hour. Want pizza for dinner? That'll be great. See ya in a hour or so."<P>Never showed up. No answers tonight. But I feel it in my bones. Something's happening. Something's been up the whole time. Talked w/ BIL a little. His whole family agrees. VERY interested in the attorney thing. But my H's NEVER been in any kind of trouble in his life. One of those upstanding righteous kinda guys, ya know? (The kind Harley says is MOST susceptable to affairs - yeah, that one). this keeps getting stranger and stranger. What, aside from divorce or arrest, could he possibly need attorney for? Also found out he's missed some days at work for "appointments". Speculating's no good. I guess I gotta wait 'til he starts talking or snoop like crazy. Maybe he was thinking about telling me tonight and chickened out. I did give him that short "I'll stand by you" letter last weekend. Maybe he's regaining some brain function. WHO KNOWS?<P>Anyway, thanks for being there during yet another moment of panic. Haven't I been good? Haven't paniced (much) all week long. Man I hate weekends!!!<P>Anyone with any ideas on how to encourage him to be more open and honest, let me know.<P>Thanks,<P>Lori<P>UNLESS he came by, saw his brother's car and kept on going. He's been avoiding his family like the plague. Didn't even drive 45 minutes to the beach to see his oldest sister from TX like he had planned last night. We haven't seen her in 4 years. The rest of the family went. He didn't show. My mind drives me crazy - I have to search for answers and am becoming the speculating queen of the southeast. I know, I know, I shouldn't. Hey, it's my personality! As long as I don't let it drive me crazy, right?

Oh BTW Wex - you ain't kiddin! Since June 28, my wonderful, solid, always dependable, the one you can rely on H has become a totally different person. Looks different, talks different, says he's nothing but a piece of trash. I told you. It's ALIENS. He's certifiable these days. But getting a little better each time I talk with him. I did think it was weird though, that he was calling me (over an hour away) for an extra car key. He normally (up until last weekend) avoids me, now he's calling "I need a favor...." to drive an hour to meet him for a car key????? Oh, well. The ride just keeps on going. I'll just file this one with "how should I cook the chicken" from last weekend!!!!<P>NB - time to put our heads together, I guess. The last time I got this "feeling" he had that seizure two weeks ago. Something is definitely up.<P>Kat - thanks. He would be like that, too. Always there for everyone, never wants to show that HE can't handle EVERYTHING alone. Whatever this is........ Oh well.<P>Lori

Hi Lostva -<P>Since I am becoming the speculating queen of the northeast, I figure that we should talk about why we do this!!<P>I've been thinking about this a lot because I have tried to stop!!! Can't do it......my mind just keeps on going...and going...and going!!! Just a little brain "bunny" up there I guess!!<P>I believe that I understand why I have to do it, though.....and I think that instead of being a bad thing for me it's worked to my benefit.<P>It's largely due to my speculation that I have been able to process all my feelings and keep my love in tact for H and my sanity for myself.<P>I don't know about you, but if I speculate about all these different possibilities or scenarios....I can also come to grips with how to deal with any one that it turns out to be. I can handle it and when things come out in the open - my reaction proess is minimal and I am ready to face it and work it out..<P>What do you think? Does this fit with you also?<P>I think that it's the "problem solving" type of brain that I have, I have to figure out things all the time.<P>That's good because I know that I can deal with anything, pretty much....it's just getting these guys to open their darn mouths that I haven't gotten accompished yet.<P>Hang in there until H opens up, we're hanging with you!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hey Sheba - I do believe you've got something there!<P>By the time I ever find out the "facts", I've played EVERY scenario over and over in my brain. Usually it's never as bad as some of my imaginings so I actually feel relief with some pretty tough stuff!<P>No one I know seems to understand why I'm not mad as H***. Don't know. I just keep looking at all the sides I can think of (since I can't get a REAL answer) and so I can keep the anger away (not at Sweetie however - I could very easily STRANGLE her!). Maybe that's why Plan A-ing has been relatively easy for me. 'cept for my little crying jag last week, of course. Oh, well, nobody's perfect.<P>Got any ideas????? About this, I mean. Hey, your h is a cop, right? How do you find out if someone's been arrested???<P>You know what though? If I find out that he left us just because he didn't want me to know he was in some kind of trouble, I think I might just KILL him!!LOL Stupid jerk, doesn't he know nothing could be worse than this???? How bad could it be?? He's always been a really good guy.<P>Yep - I think we're the same sort. Let me know when you figure out how to get them to start talking. Ya think some sort of TORTURE would work???<P>Thanks,<P>Lori

Lotsva, I'm with Sheba I'm afraid the more possibilities I consider the more prepared I am for the outcome - it's usually the one I missed! From what you've said I think the money has gone to a lawyer. Your husband is very stressed out and is very ashamed of something. If your husband has not been in trouble before he is also more susceptible to finding the wrong solution when he is in trouble. Remember when people are involved with someone else, part fo their secret life involves strange decisions. Perhaps he's trying to dig himself out of something he wishes he hadn't got into. In my wife's case even though she has met "Mr. Wonderful" ( a lawyer no less), she has been involved in lawsuits which she never would have gotten into before the affair and they have nothing to do with OM. I'm not saying she is at fault but these kind of problems would have been avoided before. Just some thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Thanks, Awoken. I'm starting to think along those lines too. It's becoming obvious to everyone that the bloom is off the rose w/ Sweetie. Has been almost since he moved out. MIL's a trip - she's been saying "the b**** is blackmailing him" from the beginning. (Now she is 70, and until the last 3 months, I have NEVER heard her use profanity!!!) I wouldn't say blackmail, but I do think that Sweetie knows something that no one else does and that he doesn't WANT anyone else who loves him to know.<P><BR>Lori

Interesting!!! Whatever it is, the guilt and shame were enough to make him separate himself from the things he loved in his life. Cutting himself off from family is consistent with this as well.<P>You might contact an attorney yourself. Explain the situation -- that you think he's in a legal jam in this other city, and as his wife you would like to know what's up. A lawyer might now how to go about getting answers through court or police records or something. A private investigator could also get to the bottom of it. <P>BUT -- since your H has chosen to keep this a secret, you should probably respect his wises. Just make sure you are sending a consistent message that you are there for him no matter what.

Have you considered getting together with his family, since they obviously know he has a problem too? It may be worth your while to hire an investigator to follow him for a day or two. You may think this it's too expensive, but think about how much money has gone down the drain since his problem started. Maybe his family can help finance this? Seems like the quickest way to get to the root of the problem. There's nothing like not knowing to drive a person crazy. I think it would be worth every penny to have someone follow him. Especially if he's in trouble, and may need your help.<BR>Good luck,<BR>Briana

I'll bet Sweetie has done something and dragged your H right into the middle of it. That's why she doesn't want him around his family; she's afraid he'll spill the beans.<P>The question is WHAT????? Did anything happen that was in the news on the day he changed? Heck! Maybe he was just giving Sweetie a ride one day and she wanted to stop at the bank for a minute. Maybe she robbed the bank without his knowing it, and now she's threatening to take him down with her if he tells.<P>I know, I know....my imagination is running wild, but this is really some kind of mystery you have here!

In regards to your previous post about our mutual speculation habits....<P>It's pretty much the same for me with people not understanding why I am not so mad at my H....They thought I was in denial!!!! LOL!! Like I could possibly be in denial with these laydies calling me and driving by and H gone and filed for D!!!! <P>I've explained the "looking at all sides" and human aspect of the whole thing to them and the Plan A concept (which is easy for me also!!) I think that they are finally getting it...they don't like it but they get it.<P>TORTURE? to get them to talk? Won't work........Truth serum maybe!!!<P>Yes, my H is a cop (UGH) and the only thing that I know is checking the public records with the town (county) that you think something might have occurred in.<BR>Not sure if you check at courthouse of police station, though.<P>Have you done that? <P>What about following the money angle. How did he take the money and from where? Was it cash out of savings - if so, he didn't get a cashier's check by chance, did he? Was it personal check? It would be too easy if it was credit card......<P>How about phone records? Cell phone, work phone, home phone?<P>Does he leave any # at work to reach him at when he goes for these appointments?<P>Just some thoughts....I'd definitely check the public records in the locale first....<P>Have you found out anything further?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hi guys - For a LITTLE more info, see my post "H finally showed up". <P>Briana - talked w/ his mom today (she just got back from vacation). I wasn't gonna tell her much, but broke down. She had a little information and a lot of suspicions, so once she started, I had to fill her in. She's not surprised and OF COURSE blames it ALL on Sweetie!!! (Got to remember, this is her favorite son - of 8 kids - when HIS dad left her w/ the brood, he quit HS and started working all day and going to night school to help her support them and has always been that kind of guy). She asked about prices of PI's. Seems Sweetie is dating!!!!! And H. knows it!! This gets weirder and weirder!<P>Sweetpea - I LOVE your imagination. You can't imagine the things that have been going through my mind!! You can join me and Sheba in our speculating party!! To tell you the truth, your stuff is no wilder than some of the things his family has come up with. Since day one, they've been saying "He only left Lori for one reason and that's to protect her and d from something". Sweetie's capable of a lot, I'm discovering. But, why did HE get involved??<BR>We'll see, I guess.<P>Welcome back Queen Sheba - my counterpart. OK, I've got plan 1. I work w/ people (by phone) nationwide. One of the women in FL is a PI part-time. I talked w/ her today, gave her what info I could and she's gonna do a background check on BOTH at no charge. Good thing, too. If I HIRED a PI I'd have to let them disconnect the phone and then where would I be without you guys!!! She's checking arrest records and civil actions as well. I'm nervous. I have a really strong feeling that I'm gonna find out something I need to know, but don't want to, if you know what I mean??<P>Oh, the money. H's last deposit in our joint account (our ONLY acct) was 6/25. He told me 6/28 he didn't love me anymore. I paid all family bills for the next two months (July/Aug) w/ my salary and all our savings. So there's 4-5000 that he had that never saw our bank. He also has his own business and I KNOW of 3000 in jobs he completed at the same time (I made the appt's). He left 8/5. Stayed w/ members of his family for most of August. Borrowed MONEY from his mom for gas!!! He started paying 350/mo in rent in Sept. He was getting the Volvo fixed and borrowed 2000 from Pop to pay for it. I found out that he only gave John 1000 and has been sending him a little out of each check to pay the last 600. So there's another thousand. His only expenses have been for rent, utilities (only 1 month), food and gas. I'm paying all the household bills and when he came by yesterday, he didn't even have 1.50 on him for a biscuit. SSSOOO, we've been thinking Sweetie was taking it all, but, he's had more than one appt w/ the attorney, so I'd bet part of it is for a retainer. Just don't know what he did (or is doing) yet.<P>He's not eating, losing weight, looks like you-know-what and not sleeping. Something is DEFINITELY up. This is not the high I would expect from "being finally with the woman (child demon) that you love".<P>That's it for now. Should know more in a couple of days - no sleep for me, huh? <P>Any ideass???????????? Like you, I want to prepare for ANYTHING!<P>Lori

Lostva -<P>That's great about the PI lady!!!<P>Boy, sometimes it amazes me how things fall into place just when you need them too!!!<P>Meant to ask what H's response to your letter about being there for him no matter what was? (that was you right? Sometimes I get mixed up with all this LOL!!) Can you reinforce this somehow?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - I'll go read your other thread - didn't see that one yet....so much to catch up on!!

A very soft "Thank you, Lori". Just like the one for wearing my rings. No other comment. But I hope he remembers it when things get dark for him. We'll see. I'm trying to reinforce it w/ my MARVELOUS plan a-ing!! LOL Lordy, I'm getting tired. I think I've outgrown roller coasters!!<P>Thanks,<P>Lori

lostva - Boy, that is a toughie. I think you're right though, it does sound like he might be in some kind of trouble. (Using the money he's taken for bail? Probably not, as there are bail bondsmen you can borrow from, so you don't usually need bail in a lump sum. Or, yeah, maybe defense lawyer's fees.) Blackmail seems like a distinct possibility. It could even be some kind of con game being run on him by Sweetie (possibly even with an accomplice), especially considering that she's so much younger than him. Con artists do work this way. The only other other thing I can think of is that he may be trying to obtain a divorce on the sly, urged to do it this way by Sweetie. (Boy, does she sound like something else!) I think you're right to consider ALL the possibilities, and then to hire a P.I. to find our which one is real. Sounds like you're handling the whole crazy situation about as well as you can. Good luck in solving this mystery!<P>--Wex

Thanks, Wex. I thought about a divorce on the sly, but it shouldn't be THAT expensive. And why pick an attorney outside of BOTH our cities for that. There are literally hundred in the city where he lives now. However, picking a defense attorney familiar w/ the court system in a particular city makes all sorts of sense. (My mom works for an attorney). <P>MIL has been thinking blackmail forever. "That ****** knows something he doesn't want ANY of us to know about him and she's holding it over him". I don't know about that.<P>Gotta remember, too. H never lied to me about her. Came home that day, said he'd never loved me and our marriage sucked (less than 12 hours after it was the greatest in the world). When I didn't buy it and kept trying to talk w/ him all week, he all of a sudden said he had fallen for someone and needed to leave to date her and see what was there. He's had a hard time lying about anything. Now his story is "If I ever lose this marriage, I'm never marrying again - I'm not the good and decent man that I always thought I was."<P>Considering Sweetie's background, I wouldn't put conning past her. She's a lot more worldly than her tender years would imply. <P>See there's been all sorts of strange thing. D and I have been getting "anonymous" phone calls - not hang ups, but hang on's - without speaking until we hang up, all hours of the night. And the crazy lady who said her name was Angela who banged on the door and screamed I had to let her in from 12:15 until 3:00 AM. This is NOT the kind of life I'm used to!!!<P>Oh, well. Let's hope I find out something soon. Someone else said I should respect his wishes, but my H is SOMEHOW in trouble and I can't help if I don't know what it is. And I do want to help - I do love him.<P>Lori