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I am of the opinion that infidelity is very destructive to a marriage in most cases.
-Trust has been damaged / destroyed, and the wronged spuse may find themselves unable to forgive.
-There is the chance of disease (possibly fatal disease.) Try destructive in ALL cases. Which is not to say marital recovery is impossible. But an affair is always destructive. In this particular case, I believe that the infidelity is a symptom rather than a cause.
I believe that if his wife were willing to disavow the other man and agree to get back together-the problem would be solved as far as SB is concerned. Funny though isn't it that there were was no visible marital dissatisfaction on the part of the wife until she had an affair. But I do agree that any marriage is in danger of a repeat affair if the conditions in the marriage which led to the affair are not addressed. This case is no different to any other. I think that if this were to happen now, there would be yet another affair later on down the road. Definitely the marrital problems need to be addressed. Do not for a moment assume you know what is really going on in this marriage. I suspect it is not as cut and dried as you assume. It is just my opinion and I am entitled to it, and no amount of cyberbullying or bandwagoneering will make me change my mind. Hmm. You need to practice what you preach.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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You have abused me twice with name calling-LOL!
No more replies from me to you unless you have something intelligent to contribute. (Note: I, unlike you and a few others here, do not define "intelligent" by whether you agree with me or not.)
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I never claimed to be using "logic"-LOL! (In fact, one of the cyberbullies used that word in his post...) My posts consist of my opinions . tsk, tsk, tsk.. "cyberbullies," huh? To my great sadness I have identified yet another example of ABUSE, ie: "critism" and "claiming truth" to "define behavior." This is most alarming, hon. If you would like a link to see a list of abusive behaviors, I would refer you to: http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/LearnMore/checklist.php
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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By the way-britches are not my style- [color:"red"] thongs[/color] are.
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You have abused me twice with name calling-LOL!
No more replies from me to you unless you have something intelligent to contribute. (Note: I, unlike you and a few others here, do not define "intelligent" by whether you agree with me or not.) More of the same. Sigh...................... Now we are into DENIAL, aren't we? Can I point you to a link that you, as an abuser, might find helpful? We are just trying to help you with your abuse problem, CS. Don't fight it, dear. Honesty is the FIRST STEP in recovery! http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/LearnMore/checklist.php
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Um Hello CS. Really, YOU started the name calling. Sheesh.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Funny though isn't it that there were was no visible marital dissatisfaction on the part of the wife until she had an affair. True...except...what about all of the other affairs she had? Let's not forget, many men will ignore their wives outward displays of dissatisfaction up until the moment that they receive the divorce papaerwork. 66% of all divorces are intitiated by females. "I never saw it coming" is a common claim on the part of the males...
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I made a fun MB poll about whether WS's are interested in the marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Sugarplum, if you are going to accuse me of abusing SB you will need to provide examples. There ya go Hon. Your own words.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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NOW HEAR THIS:
It takes banding together by all of you to try to "fight" my opinion?
Well, I am flattered- and I will be back tomorrow, or perhaps the next day, to continue to express my opinion.
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where you first started name calling with ML
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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There is a reason why there is a group consensus here, and it has nothing to do with group-think. Interesting...The Nazi's said the same thing.
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Wow, Neak and Nazi do both start with 'N'. Uncanny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I am not a foamer. I simply don't see things the way that you do.
Well, you certainly march to the beat of your own drums...too bad you never learned how to play 'em.
SB is not a horrible person, he is someone who needs to work through his issues in a realistic and honest way-just like everyone else. He certainly doesn't seem to be a horrible person; in fact, he appears to be a rather sweet and loving person. As for his issues, he came to the conclusion that some of his behaviors may have been abusive BEFORE you arrived on the scene and without ( gasp!) your help! Look, you need to understand something. There is not much anybody can get away with on MB. It is not all slapping hands and high-fiving each other. We are supportive of those who are diligently trying to save their marriages, but we will certainly come down on those BS who are as foggy in their thinking as their WS. Not everyone will save their marriages, but most people who follow the MB principles will certainly make PERMANENT improvements in themselves; and,of these people, those who find new loves and go on to new marriages are much better equipped to build a happy and loving marriage with their new spouses. So what if Sbmmal's WW isn't interested in staying married to him RIGHT NOW? By following MB principles, he will learn how to be a spouse that almost ANY woman would be happy to be married to...including his wife, once she sees that he has indeed changed into a man she could be PROUD to remain faithful to. Sbmmal is already seeking help with his issues, I believe. I believe that he has let you know that YOU are not the person he needs to have "help" him. I don't know what your occupation is, but I don't think you are a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If not, then you do not have a license to practice. Go read around MB. Yes, LEARN something about infidelity before presuming to give ANYONE marital advice.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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NOW HEAR THIS:
It takes banding together by all of you to try to "fight" my opinion?
Well, I am flattered- and I will be back tomorrow, or perhaps the next day, to continue to express my opinion. A little paranoia tonight? That is a typical trait of an abuser, CS! I know you don't want to face it, but trust me, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!! Acceptance that you are an abuser is the FIRST STEP in recovery. We are here to help you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am beginning to think that this thread is now about something else other than SB and his problem.
This has taken on a very juvenile flavor.
I see that several people have tried to join in an attack of my opinion-some have made it a personal attack by claiming I must be SB's wife, a friend of SB's wife, SB's wife's lawyer, or an alien from the planet Zeta Reticulii.
No more responses from me on comments about me ; however, I will continue to read and respond to questions and comments about SB's situation.
I would invite anyone who finds my opinions to be offensive to use the ignore option.
Have a great night.
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Yes, it fits in with your theories about my "secret" identity-LOL!
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There is a reason why there is a group consensus here, and it has nothing to do with group-think. Interesting.. .The Nazi's said the same thing. Oh dear, even more examples of abuse. I wonder if calling people "Nazi's" qualifies as abuse? Let's look at a special list that someone posted for us, shall we??? Psychological and Economic Abuse ____ Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures ____ Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures) ____ Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings) ____ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on ____ Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work) ____ Claiming "the truth," being the authority, defining her behavior, using "logic" ____ Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others) ____ Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.) ____ Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements ____ Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions) ____ Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a "people-pleaser") ____ Other forms of manipulation source: http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/LearnMore/checklist.phpThis is mighty, mighty sad, Sugarbritches. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No more responses from me on comments about me ; however, I will continue to read and respond to questions and comments about SB's situation. Have a question! Do you think an "ABUSER" who is in denial can be any help at all to another alleged "abuser?" Can the blind lead the blind? hmmmmm
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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