We were coming up on our 2nd year anniversary when I found an email to her from some guy. It looked like she had gone out with him. I was aware we had problems and we were going to counseling. When I confronted her she went ahead and told me the whole truth (she said) and said she had developed feelings for a friend. That she loved me but didn't 'love me' romantically any more. She wanted to move out so she could have some space. I thought I was being the supportive one by letting her, actually signed for the apartment. I was also going to buy her a car.

Then one day I left work with the bright idea to bring her some photos of the family. I would give them to her in her new apartment and she would be reminded of us (and me). She didn't answer the door when I knocked, I heard voices inside, to my surprise, the door was unlocked. I went on inside and could not belive my eyes. She was standing naked in the shower with her 'friend'. They weren't touching but just standing there talking, with the door and shower curtain open which was weird now that I think about it. I started freaking out and finally she came out in a towel and told me nothing happened, that they were just washing off the chlorine. Yeah right! I asked 'Well if nothing happened it looked like something was about to' and she said she wasn't sure what might have gone on had I not showed up.

I cannot get this image out of my head. I can't believe it happened like something out of a soap opera but IT DID. Now after about 2 weeks I have found this site. I have been trying everything to get her to come back, looks like that was the wrong stuff to do.

What I can't figure out is why she is doing this stupid stuff:
The guy has a criminal record - found his record on publicdata, when I told her this she just told me his sob story about a rough childhood.
I was a great husband - reading this site and I've been amazed at how many guys who treat their wives like queens get cheated on, that was me! Everyone who knows us, her family, her friends, my friends, say I'm a great husband and she knows that.
She's losing everthing - She doesn't even have a bed in this new apartment, I took the car on Tuesday (we agreed) because it was her choice to leave and our other car is always breaking down and I have the kids with me.
She's losing her citizenship - YES REALLY! She's from Venezuela and we haven't been married 2 years yet, if I divorce her it pretty much revokes her residency unless she can prove battery or get a waiver. She said she didn't care!
Everyone, including her MOM, has told her she's not thinking! I talked to her mom and she's totally supportive of me. She had often talked of bringing her mom over here and I was all for it, I really like her family! Now her mom and sister are losing out on a better future as well! Also all her friends that I talked to are telling her she's making a big mistake.
We didn't have big problems - I knew we had some problems, but we were working them out, and they weren't big problems like everyone else seems to have, yet they stay together. It was stuff like 'the house stays dirty' etc.
We were so happy together - I always told her she was my best friend and she also told me that. We always talked about everything and I was always sweet and supportive. And frankly the S was great up until last month. I was very attentive and she was always satisfied.

My biggest flaw though that she has mentioned as one of the main reasons is that I have kids from a previous marriage, 2 of which are not biologically mine but I feel that I am their father because their real dad ditched them long ago. They are teen girls and a little hard to deal with at times, but basically never have done anything except not connect with her. She has always respected that about me and actually when we met she said she really admired that because her own father never did anything for them after he left. Yet she says she loves my 2 younger sons and has actually come over to take them swimming a few times just to see them.

Why is she doing this? To me? To herself? I have tried, everyone has tried, to reason with her. Reality has to have set in on her by now she's been working her tail off just to get by. I am always there to help but unfortunately, so is he. I don't want this for her I love her and I wan't her to be happy! But I can't stay married to her if she's going to be living somewhere else and seeing some other man. I told her I'm getting a D very very soon and she is not even arguing on this! I feel so hurt inside I can't believe what I saw, this from a person I trusted and loved so deeply. I've told her how I felt and end up crying all the time, but she says she's confused and keeps waffling, but she never, ever tells me she still loves me and every mention of her coming back is met with a barrage of reasons that it won't work.

Meanderthal,

So sorry you have to be in this situation... it is a terrible place to be... but you have found an awesome site that can help you.

The first step is to read as much as you can about affairs and the experiences of both FWS and FBS. Become an expert on A's.

The next step is to decide what you want. Right now it is hard to see anything good... and believe me I am not suggesting that there is anything good about an A... but you can use this terrible time for good. Your mission is to become a stronger, better you. If a divorce is what you want and you know you will not regret it, then that is the route to go. BUT... if you are not 100% sure (which is what I would expect if you are on this site), then do not offer it. Your stance to your W is that divorce is not an option for you... you are committed to recovering and saving your marriage.

No bargaining, threats, pleading, or begging. None of that is attractive to your W... and none of it will help you become a stronger, more confident person.

I thought I was a great husband as well. Tried to buy her what she wanted, supported any decisions for jobs/career, let her Mom move in with us, worked hard around the house, didn't argue or dis-respect her, blah, blah, blah..

This was not being a great husband... it was being a push-over. That is not to say that I could be the opposite and treat her poorly. But a wife does not want an assistant to do her bidding, or a "yes-man" to agree with everything... she wants a husband who is himself. Still respectful, loving, caring, helpful, etc... but also one who stands up for his own dreams, desires, and beliefs. A marriage is a partnership, both giving and taking. If it becomes one-sided, it does not work. I don't know enough of your situation to say this is what happened... but it was my situation and could be similar.

You are in a terrible place emotionally, but if you can read from others who have had A's and recovered, like Dorry, you will understand that your W is also in a very confused, fogged out place as well. Your W is currently a WS, not a FWS, so there are certain things you need to do. Keep asking on this site... go to 'General Questions' with more readers to help. There are many who can give you ideas to help you through this part.

Patience.

Shaden

This is a classic cheating spouse. When they say they want space, what they mean is that they want to be able to sleep with their lover without outside interference from their spouse. You made a huge mistake allowing this.

You would have to be in major denial to believe that they have not already had sex. You catch them naked in the shower and she says nothing happened? What makes you think this is the first time?

You have been married only two years and all of this is happening. Please see a lawyer to understand your various options. It is obvious she is playing you and you are in fact enabling her. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is happening. I am willing to bet that she was sexually involved with this guy previously which is why she wanted to move out in the first place. She told you she was attracted to this guy. Don't waste your life on someone like this. By the way, I would strongly urge you to get tested for STD's.

anyone else out there with constructive advice for Meanderthal.

BryanP, I never did get how there is a difference between an A happening at 2 years or 10 years. Is there a magic time frame to be crossed which makes a M worth fighting for? I would think the issues that make a person vulnerable to an A can happen at any time in their life and marriage. If you are saying that it is not worth it because they choose an A after facing these issues at 2 years in, then I would think no M would be worth saving regardless of the time married.

Meanderthal, I agree with BryanP that the A is in full swing... the lies have started... but I disagree that because it is "only" 2 years, it is not worth saving. Only you can make that decision and it is based upon what you want in your life and what type of person you want to be. Neither choice is wrong, but make it after you have received as much info and facts that you can.

Patience.

Shaden

Sorry it took so long to reply I took some ambien. Well she was under a lot of pressure the minute she stepped off the plane, new country, new language, sudden family, old family far away. I tried to smooth things out the best I could, but I bet because of the pressure and her age (22) she ended up being 'abducted by aliens'. Thank you Bryan for putting it so clearly, I have thought this myself. It's just so hard to believe she is this cold- after all this time she was so sweet with the childeren and me. She is a totally different person and even her mom has remarked something like that. Some friends at work said it would be a good idea to quickly find a 'girlfriend' and let her know about it in order to make her jealous and re-discover her feelings towards me. I left her picture up the other day when my W came to use the net. It seemed to be working for a minute or 2 and then she went back to being the rock.

This is what I was afraid of, everyone I talk to tells me it's not worth it and I can do better, to let her go and never come back. It's going to be hard on the kids since they had become attached to her.