Here I go again on my emotional rollercoaster- I checked WH's bank account today and saw charges made at a hotel. I guess I should have been prepared since the A is still happening. UGH! Every time I find something like this, I get incredibly upset. I'm shaking right now. It's horrible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Things like this totally determine my mood. I gave him Plan B letter last Tuesday and since then, I have been relatively normal. It's when I check his accounts and he has ridiculous transactions, wasting money on the OW to feed this A, do I get raging mad.

How do you avoid the curiousity of checking WH's accounts when you have access to them? I've stopped checking his voicemail because there's always a gross message from OW that just freaks me out.

Help...this is driving me insane...it's killing me...

ready, I understand what you mean. Every time I check something I always get kicked in the gut, too.

Just tell yourself that when in Plan B, as you say you are, you are NOT supposed to be checking up on the WS in any way, shape or form. Just tell yourself that if you do the posters on MB will scold you!

Never forget that the WS is more than fine with you getting upset. Why? Because that means they're still stringing you along and they feel comfortable knowing you still care.

Take back control.

Let the medicine work. Just cut off all contact and let the medicine work. Let him wonder what YOU are doing. YOU are in control now. That's what Plan B can do for you.

I'm in it right now since WH is gone for at least three weeks. No calls, no email checking, no nothing. It's lonely, but at least it's peaceful.

Hang in there and keep posting.
Mulan

Here's a really evil plan:

1. Call the card company to report the card stolen or bad charges. If the WS tries to go there again, he may be denied the stay. Imagine getting denied in front of the OW. LOL!!!
PRICELESS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2. Order yourself some flowers to decorate the house and charge it to his card.

Ok, so I get a bit evil before I've had my starbucks! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> That's life.

L.

R2W,

Read and listen to the wisdom here, you have the power to take control, you just have to use it. Based on your posts, it seems fairly obvious to me that your WH is cake eating and the only one that can stop it is you. Go dark, be strong, read all the different perspectives in MB and the patterns are clear. I didn't know about this forum during my "crisis" and acted on my gut. For the most part it worked, but it would have been better had I used the principles found here. I could've saved a lot of pain on both sides. Until you draw the line and stand firm, he will continue to pull you back and forth. As I called it, living in limboland, was as crazy as the discovery of the affair.

Although the pain still remains, my FWH has told me the following about that time of our life. First, he never knew that I loved him enough to fight for him like I did (my semi plan A); and second, that he never realized I was so strong (my plan B). It's funny now that he lost my respect and I gained his, just more of the upside down way of the ride. I didn't realize the power of my decision at the time with plan B, but that is what turned us back around.

Stay tough, you can do anything when you set your mind to it.

Thanks, Mulan. I wasn't following the complete guidelines for Plan B. Bad me. Thank you so much for reminding me! Taking back my control will be empowering. I need this right now.

It's so hard because I don't think I have self-control right now. I hate being controlled by my WH's idiotic choices. This younger OW seems to control his actions.

He doesn't have the money to do spend on hotel rooms yet he continues to do so. We used to get hotel rooms when we were vacation, not here in our own city. What the heck? It's so nasty to even think about it. I get so ticked off, I start crying. It's horrible. I never used to be a cryer until now. I feel so vulnerable, so insignificant, so used. WH has betrayed me in every way possible. How can he continue to ruin our M, days before meeting with his parents for Father's Day?

It's days like this that I just want to kick him to the curb and make his life really miserable.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I need to go to the gym to work off this aggression. This can't be healthy.

Weekends have been tough for me because I know WH and OW are together. Barf.

Thanks, AnnieT and Orchid.

AnnieT,
Your FWH's comments are very inspiring. It brought tears to my eyes. I know deep down inside my WH, there is the potential for him to turn around. He is caught in so much darkness. So many people have tried to help him but he refuses to talk about M, D or A. He's so confused but he is unwilling to reach out to others who care.

I pray that Plan B will make him realize how strong I am. People have told me that although I'm not in his life at this moment, WH will still think of me and miss me. Is that true? I just don't believe it, especially because there is OW to keep his mind occupied. It just seems like men can compartmentalize their lives. If WH can do this, then he won't miss me.

What sickens me most is how much we valued our intimacy. We were committed to each other and intimacy was treasured. We waited for marriage. Then, here he goes sleeping with OW within weeks. Gross, gross, gross. That image is soooo disturbing. His values and morals went out the window, along with his brain.

Orchid,
I like your evil plan. Just curious, will the credit card company know who called to report the card stolen or lost?

Report it as an invalid charge. Is the bill coming to your home? Let the credit card company know there has been a woman posing as wives of other men and u r concerned.

I had several convos with the cell company, credit card company and other business, casually mentioning the A. Usually I got extended service suggestions some of which proved quite helpful. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

R2W...

I am honestly completely baffled by your situation...I went back and read most of your posts...Perhaps I missed something, please set me straight if I have...Here's what I gather...

1. You want to save your marriage.

2. Your H is involved in a workplace affair.

3. You have almost rock solid evidence that your husband and/or the OW would be fired if the affair was exposed at work.

4. Your husband almost begged you not to expose at work.

5. Your financial security does not depend on your husband's income.

6. You have NOT exposed to work!

7. You have now gone to Plan B.

Um, you do realize that in order for Plan B to be effective you have to have done a complete Plan A, right? Also, if you were to reconcile your marriage, either your husband or the OW would have to leave their job in order for NO CONTACT to be in place...I HAVE TO BE MISSING SOMETHING...CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I'M MISSING??? Because R2W, I simply DO NOT GET IT!!!???!!!??? I don't mean for this to sound sarcastic...I am really sincere...what gives?

Mrs. Wondering

mrs wondering,

I discovered SAA just last week so forgive me if my plans A and B aren't logical. My MC hasn't been helpful. In fact, she's been detrimental. I am so sorry to have taken her advice but since she was highly recommended by our pastor, I thought she knew best. Boy, was I wrong and I've been paying price. Literally and figuratively.

Let me explain, we met with our MC last Tuesday and she told us not to contact each other since WH wanted to file for D. MC determined Plan B for me. I had prepared a letter based on the format of the ltr in SAA. I gave that to him after the appt.

Back in April, after I discovered the A, MC told me specifically in front of WH that if I wanted to save this M, I needed to not tell his work nor his parents. Yup, that was foolish of me to listen to. She wanted me to "take the moral high ground." This of course fed the A and WH continued to be a cake eater.

Due to the conflicting info of my MC, I'm trying to work on exposure (Plan A) although Plan B is in effect. It's been an extremely hard time for me because my strategies have been unclear. I was learning from my own failed attempts until I discovered SAA and MB.

I've decided to expose WH at work next week. This is obligatory. Yes, I have waited too long. MC continued to discourage me for months and finally, I'm not going to listen to her. She's not worth my time and money. This is my M, not hers.

I hope this clarifies my situation. The biggest battle of my life.

R2W...

Sorry if my post sounded harsh...I've been sick for a while and haven't been around much...I sincerely thought that I was missing something...I was just trying to get a clear picture...

I DO think that you need to expose at work...However, I am skeptical about exposure in Plan B-that can be seen as vindictive and spiteful, when in fact, exposure is part of Plan A and is designed to bust up the affair, thus allowing you to further Plan A to attract the WS back to the marriage...I would really like to hear some others chime in here, on how best to go about this-I think it needs to be done, I really do...However, can you and will you call Steve Harley to help you develop the best possible plan for your situation? That would really be your best bet...

R2W...don't worry, very few people do things exactly by the book, most of us make mistakes, you can overcome mistakes, this isn't an exact science...relax and breathe a bit...

You are right, DUMP THIS COUNSELOR...Besides, when one partner is involved in an affair, MC is a complete waste of time and money-no matter how good they are...IC, for you, with a counselor that is pro-marriage (like Steve Harley) is invaluable...

Hang in there...

Mrs. W

***MC told me specifically in front of WH that if I wanted to save this M, I needed to not tell his work nor his parents. Yup, that was foolish of me to listen to. She wanted me to "take the moral high ground."***

Um - did she suggest that maybe your *WH* should ALSO "take the moral high ground??" Or did she miss that day in Marriage Counselor school?

I have to wonder what on earth these counselors are taught. All they do is facilitate conflict avoidance and let people feel good about dumping their families. From personal experience and from a long time reading here, they do far more harm than good.

Listen to Mrs. W.
Expose the infidels at work
Go back to pitch-dark Plan B

WS will miss you more than you think
It's easy not to miss someone when you feel free to take them for granted
That can change when they disappear

hang in there!
Mulan

Thanks, Mrs. W and Mulan,

Unfortunately, my plan(s) haven't been patterned by SAA. I've been learning along the way. Luckily, WH hasn't filed for D so I have some time on my side.

I'm looking to expose WH at work next week. This is loooong overdue and it's been consuming me. I'm working on how and when to do it. I would rather meet WH's boss in-person so I can prepare evidence.

I'm never going back to our MC again. I'm still in IC with a counselor recommended by MC. WH is still going to IC with a male counselor also referred to by MC to work on the M but obviously nothing has improved. WH claims his IC hasn't addressed D nor A. If this is true, then what the heck do they talk about? I'd love to bug the room when they are talking. I know WH is going to see his IC because our checks have been cashed. What the heck is going on here? In my opinion, WH's IC is worthless. This whole MC thing was the biggest joke.

I will definitely call Dr. Harley. Most of my resources have been depleted.