une 17, D-Day one year later

June 17, 2005 at 3:30 pm was the day my world fell apart. 1400 miles away from home and the words of my husband of 24 years still echo's in my ears. After a few days of questions and knowing in my gut something was not right, he finally said to me what I knew to be true, " I am seeing another woman."

I will never forget the pain and anguish I felt at that moment. It all came pouring out as I asked the question why. H had no clear cut answer and he still doesn't to this day. Just a bunch of justifications that make no sense.

For two weeks before I could get home I kept hearing, I still love you and we can work this out. I asked him to please stay away from this woman, he did for about a week. Things seemed better not as foggy. But one day the fog rolled back in, I knew at that moment he was back in contact.

I finally made it home July 3 at 11:55 pm. I drove 22 hours straight to get back home and to him. Running on fear and adrienalin. He was not home when I arrived. He came in a 4:30 am shocked to see me there. No, hugs or I am happy you are home, nothing....

We talked for hours and I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. He said him and the OW loved each other. I said how can you love someone so quickly? He had no answer. I remember getting sick to my stomach and running to the bathroom. He came after me and said he was sorry and he did want to stay with me but would not give up the other woman. He wanted both of us. In fear and desperation I agreed. I knew it was wrong but I didnt know what else to do at the time. He held me that morning while I cried, he made passionate love to me. I in my neive way thought I could make him give her up.

It was after he left that night of the 4th of July and spent it with her I knew I could not live like that. I could not allow him to live and home and go between the two of us. I could not knowingly sit at home while he was with her and say nothing.

The night of July 5th with tears rolling down my face and my heart breaking I walked into our bedroom and told him he had to leave our home. With a shocked look on his face he said "Where will I go?" I said to stay here you have to give her up, and if you can't then you need to go be with her. We both layed in bed that night holding on to each other. Sleep never came , the tears never stopped. the next day he moved out to be with her. He cried and said I will miss you.

I thought I would die that day. He was gone to another woman. My world crashed, all I knew was gone. How was I going to make it , what was I to do? I prayed so hard for help from God. Two days later I thought my prayers has been answered, he wanted to come home. He begged and cried and made promises which were broken exactlly one week later. The day before our 24th wedding anniversary he was gone to her again. it was D-Day all over.

I found MB that day. I read all I could. I saw all of the mistake I made in handling this whole mess. The crying , begging and becoming a doormat just to keep my husband. I started plana that day.

Over the next two months he called and came by our home daily. Always some excuse to see or talk to me. It made me see he was still connected to me. Finally in Aug. he came home again after promising N/C with the OW and wanting to work it out with me. This was all after the OW found out he was still seeing me and SF was happening.

The one thing I didn't know was he had lied to her and said he was moving with his sister. Once the OW found out the truth all ****** broke loose. He left three days later.

Since this time our contact has been sporatic over the months. We would go for weeks without contact and then out of the blue he would show up and say what I wanted to hear. I always fell for it and SF would happen again. then he would vanish for weeks again.

Finally in March of this year I sent the OW a letter telling her all that had hapened over the months. Dates , times and details to show her I was being truthful. Now she has laid the law down to him N/C with me at all or he is out. So now its been almost three months wih no contact at all. He won't come anywhere near where I am. He is afraid she will find out he is even in our neighborhood working and flip out.

For those of you who have followed my saga you know of all the trials and tragidies that have occured over this last year. I don't need to re-hash it all. For those of you who don't know it has been a year of loss and pain. I have lost my home of 19 years, my 16 yr old son is now living with WH and his OW.

So here I am a few short weeks from being divorced and moving 1400 miles away from all I have known for so many years. But one thing is for sure, I have survived this last year and become stronger and know I can make it.

Do I still love my husband ? Yes, I do. Do I still want my marriage? Yes, I do but these choices have been taken from me. I have no say in what happens I am just along for the ride for now. But I do have choices in what I do for me now. I am making the choice to live my life and be happy again without my husband or my marriage.

The pain is still there and I figure it will be for awhile yet. But it is no where near as bad as it was a year ago. I still have a small ray of hope that someday he will come from the fog and see what he has done. But in the meantime I must continue to live..

So for those of you who are just starting this awful journey and the pain is still so raw, know you can and will survive it. It's not easy, I won't sit here and pretend it is. There wil be days of despair and hopelessness but they become less and less. You will make it, I rpomise you this. lean on your faith in God he will see you though this. God Bless all of you who have been here for me and still continue to be here for me.

God Bless all of you who are starting this journey through adultry and I wish you the best and know prayers are going out f or all of you.

Wow a year! Still a WS with more crap up his buttocks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

U on the other hand have really grown into a real survivor. One that we are proud to call a friend. U also have respect which the Ws can't fanthom. OW's have no mind so respect is not even in her vocabulary.

Sad to see the devastation on our children. Continue to be the loving mother u r. Time is on your side.

Hugz,
L.

it is ok. you are ok. just need to work on getting things w/the kids ok now. FOCUS ON THE KIDS...and FOCUS ON YOU...take focus off of ws. you are DOING GREAT!

try to focus on finding some great classes/college programs that you can start when you move...gives you something to look forward too.

darn it's still hot in here...darn ac.

give yourself something to smile about. you made it and you're still sane! that is HUUUUUGE. that's what I always tell myself...that I made it sane!

When I think of my xh, I am always reminded of this line from movie, "Bridget Jones' Diary"...it is when she is staring dead in the eyes at the lying cheating casanova who broke her heart, cheated on her and had a fiancee all along while he was wooing her...he tells her that he can't make it without her..that he was wrong...that he broke up with the other woman...

and her response?

"I am looking for something a bit more extraordinary than that."

that is what in the past I said to myself when thinking about darth...when he'd feebly try something to worm his way back in. I deserved better!

YOU DESERVE SOMETHING A BIT MORE EXTRAORDINARY THAN THAT.

you sure do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{hurtinginokla}}}}}}

YOU are a survivor!! A success. Knowing you did all you could to save your marriage, you will be able to move ahead with a clear conscience and the skills necessary for a bright future.

Such a shame for him when he wakes up......

I totally agree with Nerlycrzy... you have done everything that you could to try to save your marriage...

And.... you did it all with class !!! Never once stooping to their level... Hold your head high Healing !

You are one classy chick.... You will be just fine

I know it hurts right now, but you are getting so much stronger.....

Your friend, carnation

(((((hurting)))))
You have grown so much in this year. He's gonna miss you when you're gone. I still having a good feeling...mostly because you have grown so much...he will wake up one day. The question is will you want him when he does?

Thanks all for the responses. I do see how far I have come in a year.

I was such a wreck when I first got here and so lost.

They say what does not kill you makes you stronger... I suppose thats the truth, I am still here and breathing and stronger now.

I am so proud of myself as well. I made it through D-Day anniversary without one tear..... Lots of memories but no tears......

Hurting

I am gonna share one of my personal recovery tunes...I played this the last time I went into court...

"fighter" by xtina aguilera

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Hi Hurting,

Long time lurker that's been following your story. You've grown so much over the time that you've posted here. You've been through so much that at times, I've been tempted to get in my car, drive the 1,000 plus miles and physically help you out. Crazy, huh?

God must have big plans for you.

Pulp

okla,

Hey!!! Just bumping up for you.

Know that your court date is coming up soon and want to tell you that prayers are with you.

No matter what happens you know that God has a better plan for you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know you are at your MIL's and not able to post much.

You can, however, get to a library to access the internet and let us know what is up.

You know you are WORTHY, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and that we all care for you.

Hang in there, and update when you can.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I was thinking of you too.
My prayers are with you especially this week.

MissM and Cha Cha,

thanks for checking in on me.

Court is on Wed. morning 2 days from now. I am trying to remain strong but its been a rough few days. I feel like I am back to D-Day. The tears , not sleeping or eating. I know its all nerves and stress.

WH is acting really crazy right now extreme anger at everyone. Guess the stress is getting to him to.....

I will update when I have a chance.

Thanks for the prayers, I will need them these next few days.

Hurting

((( Healing )))

Still thinking of you and praying for you.

When it all gets too much --

think of all these people here --

Who Love You !!!


carnation

thanks Carnation.

I am not doing to well right now. Court day after tomorrow ans I just feel so sick to my stomach. Can't eat, sleep or focus on anything.

WH is freaking out on everyone, playing the blame game even onto his mother. Everyone elses fault he has lost his home and everything. Still very much in denial he has done anything wrong.

DS(16) is having to talk to the judge as well to tell who he wants to live with. Says he wants to be with his dad but does not know why.

I am going to fight hard for my boy but it all falls in the lap of the judge and what my son says he wants. This whole thing is just crazy..... I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I sure hope I wake up soon......

Hurting

get some temporary tranquilizers ...

use 1 or 2 at night

and take a quarter of one 1 hour prior to court

go have a mani-pedi & a cute haircut

pamper yourself

and wear fresh new undies to court

smile

God loves you

Pep

Hurting...Thinking about you this week.

Stay strong.

Mourn your losses then look ahead to your future.

Good things will happen to you. You are a good person.

Thinking of you with prayers, Hurting.

I know you are feeling very nervous and stressed right now
which is perfectly understandable.
I hope you will remember all you've been through, how much
strength you've shown, how you've handled yourself with
class and dignity, and all you've done to show your WH the
"way home". You're supporting yourself, you've been the
steadfast strength for your family, and your courage has
been an inspiration for me and lots of others here.

No doubt your WH is angry and "thrashing about like a fish
out of water" because he's realizing what he is about to lose, what a mess he's made of his life, and what his horrid
choice to have an A has cost him (EVERYthing !) He may be
trying to blame and take it out on others, but even he knows
it's all HIM. I can't help but think he must also feel an
enormous resentment and anger towards the OW for the "short
leash", control, manipulation and pressure to D she has put
on him- so many HUGE LB's !

Sorry your son is having to talk to the judge and be more
involved in it all that you'd probably like, but perhaps it
will help him to see more of the reality of what your WH's
decision has resulted in, and lead him to find his way home
with you soon.

I still think your WH is going to find his way home as soon
as he finds his way out of his stubborness and pride !

Love,
Slammed

HIO

I have often said to new BHs that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in times of crisis. I truly believe that this is also true for you.

Through all this mess, despite WHs foulestprovocation you have behaved in a dignified manner. You have maintained honest dealings with him and particularly your kids.

You have not responded to his spite with spite, but with patience and compassion.

You have and continue to shine like a beacon to your children so they can always find a haven from their fathers dissolute ways.

I guarantee your WHs meanness is a reaction to your grace and dignity making him feel clumsy and wicked. His conscience will be screaming like a banshee in hi severy waking moment now.

The outcome ,for now, does not appear to be what you want, but your challenge is to rise above the hurt and CONTINUE to be what your children need to to be. There is no better mom than one who remains a beacon to her kids under great duress. You are a blessing to your children , and you will be blessed richly by your noble behaviour.

Continue to be the positive role model your kids need as your H wallows in his sty , and be proud. I suspect yur life will be a very satisfying one indeed after this hurdle is passed.

All blessings.

There is life after divorce, hurting. It's not what I wanted either -- and it is still painful, though in my heart of hearts, I know I'm lucky not to be hooked up to his star.

I want to thank all of you for the prayers and support.

Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life. I have to sit in a court room and face the man i married to end our life together.

I keep praying for a miracle but I dont see one coming. I pray God gives me the strength I will need to do this.

Hurting