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I suspect my wife has been having an affair although she denies it. She says that she is just friends with this guy and he is easy to talk to. Her and I just started counseling this week even though she says she doesn't want to work it out.
In a calm manner I explained to her that it wasn't fair to either of us if she continued to speak with this guy while we are getting help and trying to work things out. Her reply was he's just a friend and not going to stop speaking with him on the phone.
Is she carrying out the affair right in front of me? What else could I have done with Plan A? I'm afraid if I leave then this marriage will be over the second I leave the driveway?
Last edited by pctome; 06/19/06 10:39 PM.
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ddk, I just read your thread on EN's it would be helpful to those that will respond if you post some of that background info here.
Have you read about plan A? Its all about actions...your actions...no whining, no begging. You said you had a sudden realization that you have not been the best H you could be and made her empty promises over the years. This is the time to SHOW her. It sounds like she is having EA (emotional affair) right now...left unchecked it could turn to PA (physical affair).
So you show her, thoughtful acts...stop accusing her of having A for now, she probably has fooled herself for the time being. Gather information how often they are in contact, get a voice activated recorder to see if you can find out the content of the discussions, gather info on him. When you have solid info you will need to EXOPOSE the affair to those that will make impact on WW(wayward wife) and OM (other man).
Keep posting we can help you with this...the weekends are alittle slow.
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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I am trying to convince myself it is just an EA. I'm trying to show her but right now she is still in the bitter and angry stage so she is really closing me off.
I thought I had read Plan A, but maybe I didn't fully get it. I probably need a little more to support my claims other than the fact she has called him. I'm trying my best not to bring it up. I feel like it is my only hope to save the marriage.
Thanks for the support!
Can I link to the post without re-posting or cross posting from EN's?
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Read some other posts here and you'll hear the same kind of talk your wife is using...almost like its a script. We call if fog babble...trying to justify their actions. The key thing is she is hiding something from you, something she shares w/ another man. People that have nothing to hide...hide nothing. Would she talk to him the same if you were privy to their whole conversation?
Right now you need to show her the kind of man you are. I read you have a 9 month old? How involved are you? Do you compliment her on how she handles the baby? Do you offer to give her a break? Very often new moms are VERY overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a mom. Its a loss of self. Babies are a blessing but its hard, the sleep deprivation alone is stressful. Be a good dad...it will speak volumes.
You can copy and paste portions of your other thread or you can link it by using the URL.
Last edited by ChaCha; 06/17/06 08:28 PM.
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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I'm a great dad. That is one thing my wife and I agree on. I do compliment her on how good of a mom she is, but probably not enough. My wife is borderline OCD and so she tries to take on everything herself. I'm sure having a new child and trying to do everything perfectly has taken it's toll and is playing with her emotions.
My concern about her hiding things is that I knew she called the guy last night because I checked her phone this morning and saw the call. When I told her I heard her talking to someone, she said it was a co-worker that called to check on her because they knew we had our first session with the MC yesterday. The fact that she is lying to me about the phone call makes me worry about what else she is lying about and that it may be a PA and not just an EA.
Should I bring up my suspicions of an affair the the MC?
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Am i off base to suspect that some of her anger and not letting me get close to her right now is because she feels guilty and mad at herself for the EA or PA she is having right now. Our son means everything to her and I often wonder if she feels like she may be letting him down by doing this.
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I don't know. Is you MC pro-marriage? When I was in MC w/my WH I brought up how WH friendship w/OW made me very uncomfortable. The MC told me I was unreasonable for not respecting my H's friendship. Of course my WH was encouraged by this response! UUUuugghh! Unless your MC is very good they say its almost a waste to go to counseling while spouse is in affair because they will not give truthful responses. (which is what happened in my case..garbage in>>>garbage out)
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Am i off base to suspect that some of her anger and not letting me get close to her right now is because she feels guilty and mad at herself for the EA or PA she is having right now. Our son means everything to her and I often wonder if she feels like she may be letting him down by doing this. BINGO!!! Thats why she has to justify it....ITS ALL YOUR FAULT....she blames you so she can run from her guilt.
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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I bumped up and interesting read for you 15 steps to unfaithfullness.
Have you read Surviving An Affair (referred to as SAA here) or His Needs/Her Needs? they are available on website...reasonably priced...
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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You can tell your MC when you find out the extent of the relationship. If you say anything now, your wife will claim the old "just friends" story. Also she will get sneakier, and harder to catch.
I would do some checking first.
I don't know if it is a PA or EA, but you need to find out before confronting her.
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Not really sure how to find out if something has happened or not. He lives 800 miles away near my wife's mom and sister. She just got back from visiting them and all of a sudden he seems to be back in the picture. This all happened about 2 years ago when she was visiting them. She swears nothing happened and that he wanted more than she did. That time I read some e-mails he was sending her and he definitely wanted more. She "supposedly" had cut off all communications with him and I hadn't been suspicious since then. Now that she came back from last trip last weekend, I see his name as an outgoing call on her phone this morning. She does the same dance they all do...we're just friends, etc. She did admit that he probably wants more than she does, but she just likes talking to him and right now she needs that. I dont' buy it.
Should I expose her to her mom? I would say her sister too, but her sister seems to be the vehicle for which this keeps happening.
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You need to find out the extent of it before you expose. Do you have a home phone? It would be good to put a recorder on it, and then you can see what they talk about.
The other thing is to put a voice activated recorder in the room where she talks to him. Then you can hear one side of the conversation.
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ChaCha,
I don't know if you read the background info or not, but here it is....kind of long. It was after I professed my shortcomings that all this came to the head. Does the fact that I came to her wanting to do the right thing, make her feel even more guilty about the affair and thus act out even more?
"My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years now and have a wonderful 9 month old son. I am 32 and she is 29. Our marriage has been very up and down with the downs seeming to last longer than the ups. All throughout our marriage my wife has told me there are things she needs from me that she is not getting. She needs more affection, me to pay more attention to her, more intimacy, me to compliment her more, etc. I heard her and always promised to do better but always seemed to fall back into my rut. I wanted to give her those things and I didn't intend not to do them, but it just always seemed like I fell short. My wife does not have unreasonable expectations and I couldn't have been blessed with a better wife. For seem reason I subconsciously took her for granted all these years.
It recently hit me like a ton of bricks how big of a failure I have been to my wife over the course of our marriage. Not sure what made the light go off but it felt like it finally did. I went to her and told her that although I had told her in the past that I knew what she needed that now I finally understood what she needed. I told her how I finally realized that I hadn't been a good husband that I wanted to give her what she needed to be happy in this marriage. I told her that I wanted us to be happy and to have a good marriage. It wasn't that I didn't want those things before; I just couldn't make it happen.
Unfortunately, she tells me that she has already checked out of this marriage and that she wants a divorce. She tells me that she has heard this song too many times before and she knows how it ends. She says she owes it to herself and our son to not be in a miserable marriage. I was able to convince her to go to a counselor with me to get help, but she is saying that she doesn't even know if she wants it to work out. We had our first session today and she still feels the same way. She doesn't have any interest in opening back up and giving me a chance and doesn't want to be married anymore. She doesn't want to be around me at all and says she just wants to do her own thing. I'm trying to give her the space she needs but I am afraid that if we don't try to work on the relationship when we are at home that the counseling will all be for nothing.
Is she just going through the range of emotions and I just need to give it time to work itself out? Or, should I be extremely concerned that I have lost her forever? I love her to death even though I haven't shown it and don't want to lose her. What can I do to save this marriage?"
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We never use our home phone. She would only be using her cell phone which her company pays for so the bill never even comes to the house. If I apply logic here, a single guy who lives 800 miles away should not want to "just be friends" with a married woman. And a married woman should not want to be friends with a single man who lives 800 miles away.
What's really scary is that she tells me that she has talked to him about us and that he says that she deserves to be happy. I don't think she should be taking advice from another guy whose motivations are to have a relationship with her.
My wife's other influences she is confiding in are:
Her mom - divorced 3 times Her sister - divorced 6 months after being married A male co-worker - he's young and never been married The "other guy" - never been married
I'm not saying that you have to be married or if you've been divorced you can't give good advice, but I am very concerned my wife is not surrounding herself with a good support group
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I just heard my wife's cell phone ring a few minutes ago and my heart sank. It's 10:30 at nigh, who could be calling. We're staying in separate rooms but the room she is in is near the computer room. I went in there and she was asleep.
Is this late night phone call something I have to ignore?
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I would ignore it. You need to be very creative and figure out what the story is. She may be planning to move back where he lives. I would do some snooping.
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That thought has crossed my mind, but I think she is a long way from that. It makes sense though, her mom and sister are up there.
Tomorrow will be my first father's day and I hope she has enough respect not to speak with him at all that day.
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Is she just going through the range of emotions and I just need to give it time to work itself out? Or, should I be extremely concerned that I have lost her forever? No...this is war. She has a wide range of emotions she is confused...this is good. In plan A its about you making yourself an attractive choice...all of the things she has sited that YOU did. Consider them...are they valid? Change what needs changing ACTIONS....she will get angry because you are proving her wrong. This does NOT mean you become her doormat to wipe her feet on. The more you read here the more you will see similarities. My H said downfall of marriage was my fault...I worked weekends, the house wasn't clean enough, I gained weight, I didn't plan good vacations, I didn't let him see his friends enough> So I quit weekends>>kept house better>>>lost 50lbs>>>arranged a cross country trip>>>enc him to see "old" friends (promarriage)...Then his tune changed....I wasted my education...the house was too clean...why did I lose wt-he accused ME of having A....should have gone on the vacation years early...ALL BABBLE to justify his withdrawl from me. I just heard my wife's cell phone ring a few minutes ago and my heart sank. It's 10:30 at nigh, who could be calling. We're staying in separate rooms but the room she is in is near the computer room. I went in there and she was asleep.
Is this late night phone call something I have to ignore Document it. Start keeping track of what you can. Can you check her phone to see the #? I think you should hide a voice activated digital recorder in the room where she talks on the phone. I think that will answer a lot of your questions. I used one and caught my WH meeting w/ OW in his car. If she is confiding personal info about your marriage she is on a slippery slope....did you read the 15 steps?
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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You need to keep reading here. Don't confront her.
Unfortunately, when they are in the midst of any kind of affair, they have no respect. Not for themselves, their spouse, or children.
You won't believe it until you see it up close and personal.
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believer is right...we call it alien behavior...because the person you married wouldn't do this stuff. Looks like her...sounds like her...
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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