All good advice. I've noticed she deletes his calls so it is hard for me to catch them. I know this becuase after I saw that she called him last night on her phone, I confronted her later and said I heard her talking. When she denied it, I asked if she would show me the outgoing calls on her phone. When she did it was gone.

If I don't have a lot of proof, can I expose her to her family?

No. Don't expose. If you do, she will just pull the "just friends" card.

I made the mistake of confronting my husband, and it just made him sneakier. After 3 years, he still lies and insists that he is not living with the other woman. If I had taken my time, and had all of the proof, it wouldn't have gone on and on.

I'm learning a lot in my short time here.

I am starting to accept that she is having an affair on me. My biggest fear is that if I do expose her, she will be gone immediately never to return. My wife is very stubborn and does not like to admit she is wrong about anything. She'd rather leave than say she messed up.

She's already pulled the "just friends" card. I know it's a bunch of BS.

It sounds like I've got to spend some time snooping around. Outside of bugging her car, I don't know what else to do. She only communicates with the guy while she is at work and late at night.

Because he lives so far away, I won't be able to catch them together.

Late at night where? Like I said before I highly recommend a voice activated digital recorder. There is a thread here spying 101...I'll see if I can find it and bump it up.

ddk43,

The beginnings of your story sound so similar to mine. My WH thought he was smart enough to program OW as his buddy's name until one night I decided to click on the "buddy's name" and the # belonged to OW. Then, WH started deleting the # altogether after I confronted him. After this, I started tracking our cell phone history and found her # littered all over the records.

More snooping tips: Credit card statements and ATM/ POS transaction records are helpful. I also snooped in his car (glove compartment, trunk, console), work bag and daily planner where I found more evidence.

Start documenting suspicious activity. I jotted notes about when he came home late, excuses he made going out with "friends", and our conversations that led me to believe he was covering his tracks. A lot of it coincided with the cell records, cred card transactons, and receipts I found.

Though he denied the A when I confronted him at MC, when I brought out the evidence, he finally admitted it. Guilty! Although MC wasn't effective in ending the A, having a third party mediate our conversation about the A was so incredibly helpful. WH refused to talk about OW until I sat him down with MC.

ddk, Its easier for us to follow by keeping all your posts on one thread. You can change the subject title that shows up by on the index by going back to the 1st post on your thread and select edit and change the subject title. (leave the post intact).

This is the hardest thing that many of us will go through other then the death of a child...but there are some that had to deal with both. The most important thing right now is that you take a deep breath and take care of yourself, you may have difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much and loss of appetite.

We can help you...it may seem like it but your situation is not hopeless. We can help you with a plan. Don't bring her to the site yet. You need advice and she will not get it...yet. There are many FORMERLY wayward spouses that post they give lots of insight. Keep posting we will guide you. I hope you got some sleep last night.

For inspiration check out mywifeilove's thread....
and for Bob pure's toolkit for betrayed spouses.... click here

Update from yesterday.

We decided to go to the zoo and take our son for father's day. I had told myself I wouldn't bring up the situation of the possible affair. The zoo wasn't much fun, wife didn't talk much on the ride down there or while we were there. Afterwards we stop to eat and she started to open up a little more and engage in generic conversation.

When we got home she got on the computer and started looking at some stuff. She noticed I had been on the MB website and saw where I had read the article on "How to survie infedility". She asked me why I was looking at that to which I didn't really respond. She then makes the comment that it would be different if you had a wife who was cheating on you. She then goes into the bedroom and lays down appearing to be depressed. I waited about 10 minutes and then calmly went in there. I asked her if she read the article and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I then said that the article was as much about EA's and why a women would seek a friendship with another man outside of the marriage and the husband is to deal with that (probably a bunch of crap). She replied she didn't want to talk about it so I left the room.

She stayed up there sulking for about 1 hour and then came down stairs and sat on the couch where my son and I were playing on the floor. She sits there in silence for about 30 minutes before going to sit on the back porch and stare out into space for 45 minutes. All this time I have this sense that she is struggling with that she wants to tell me something and just can't stomach the courage to do so.

As the night goes on, we don't talk much until the end of the night when her, what I thought was guilt, turns into anger. The night before I gave her a hug before going to bed and she is accusing me of checking on her(staying in separate rooms). I told her that she can think what she wants and she's free to do whatever she wants, I'm not checking on her.

She had another little outrage this morning as she yelled at me that me being nice is just all a show and that it is too little too late.

What do I make of all this?

She's as confused as you are. Maybe more.

Could be just an EA and she doesn't consider that that constitutes infidelity - just like most of the rest of the population.

I suggest you get started on the important aspects of Plan A - yourself.

Assume she's in an affair - maybe even a physical affair, it doesn't matter which - and start changing the only thing you can change - YOU!

Here's my canned description of Plan A. See also the links in my sig line:

The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for “garden variety” affairs:

1. The BS (betrayed spouse) cannot end the affair.

2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, also to some extent great or small, contributed to.

If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.

With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.

To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's (wayward spouse) decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.

This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.

It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.

Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.

Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.

Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.

Remember, despite outward appearances, the WS is very likely torn between the excitement of the OP vs leaving the BS and family. They invariably wonder, “Can I have both?” When they realize the answer is no, they next wonder how long can I stall before choosing? It’s during this “stall” that demonstrating Plan A improvements is vital. Why make it easy for the WS to choose the OP by providing a less than competitive choice?

I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.

OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted.

Good advice. The longer this goes on the more i am starting to realize that. i am doing all the things i need to do to change and improve even in the face of my wife telling me it's all an act.

i'm starting to realize that i can't do much to prevent her and om from talkinig on the phone at night, etc. if i do she thinks i'm being paranoid and gets all pissed off at me. i look at as someone with nothing to hide would not be doing the things she is doing right now. and if she wasn't doing anything she wasn't supposed to she would be more concerned with the fact that i don't trust her right now.

anyway, do i need real, solid, factual evidence that an affair is going on before i move into plan A? right now it is just a suspicion. we are going to a mc and maybe i just need to let that take its course and see if she has a change of heart.

very confused right now as to what the right thing to do is.

Absolutely not!

Oh, it's an affair alright. Everything you describe fits perfectly.

But even if we're wrong, making Plan A self improvements can only make you a better person. Nothing wrong with that, right?

Just keep your eyes and ears open. In fact, back off completely from questioning her about it. If the affair persists, she'll get careless and screw up somehow - providing firm evidence.

WAT

That's what I'm working on right now. I figure the truth will come out at some point in time. It's hard not to confront, but I think I'm doing okay at that. What's really difficult is when she is behind closed doors and I hear the phone ring late at night, not to go in there. In a way i feel like i am enabling them, but I know that if i go in there it will only drive her further from me and closer to om.

i'll keep posting. the advice so far has been right on and very helpful. thanks for the support everyone. if i hadn't found this sight, i would have made all the wrong moves already.

ditto.
WAT has given you great advice.

I'm probably being stupid, but i'm not the snooping type. i agree that i have every right to look through her stuff since she has been dihonest with me, but i think the truth will come out eventually. if not, the guilt will eat at her worse than me confronting her would ever do.

So what's with the name change? Protecting the innocent? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I predict you soon will be the snooping type.

Many "new" BSs naturally react to snooping having a negative connotation. It automatically feels "wrong." Just remember that there should be NO SECRETS in a marriage.

Think not of snooping as deceptive spying, but as necessary affair research.

WAT

I just got the proof i need the ww is having an ea. it's hard not to go busting into her room and demand that she end the affair, but i know in the long run that won't be the best thing to do.

her and om were trying to meet up when she is at their annual sales conference for work, but apparently he can't make it. i read several e-mails back and forth between the 2 this last week. of course he's telling her all the things she wants to hear.

she e-mailed him pictures of her when she was pregnant and he went on and on about how good she looked.

what really makes my sick is that she sent him a bunch of pictures of our 9 month old son. it makes me want to puke.

i'm desperate for advice...those that really know plan A, what should be my next step?

i just read a few more and she is talking about how they are soulmates and she can't wait for them to be together. she then talks about how she knows he will be so good to our son and can't for him to be in our son's life.

he lives 800 miles away. not only am i afraid of losing my wife, but i don't think i can handle her moving our son away from me that far.

can i pull her out of this?

Does she know you have access to this info?

Get copies of all this stuff.

Then confront her calmly. How you do this depends on the answer to my question above. Bottom line, you don't want to reveal your source of info unless you absolutely have to. You'll likely have to end up doing this anyway after you confront her when you take the next step - outside exposure.

Most importantly, stay calm and don't rant and rave. She'll use that reaction as justification for why her attraction to OM is justified.

WAT

She doesn't know I have access to this info. I've made copies of everything and i've saved copies in several different places.

if i do confront her, she will most likely leave and make no effort to continue meeting with the mc.

is this what typically happens and do i need to prepare to dig in and wait this out?

How much evidence do i need before i confront her? is there a better time or place than others, during the week, on the weekend, at the house, in the presence of the mc?

i'm doing my best to listen to all the advice and follow the steps so i can beat this affair and re-capture my wife from the aliens. right now she is not giving me anything and talking in e-mails with om about how she can't wait for him and her and our son to all be together.

i know with everyone's help i can beat this. the advice has been good so keep it coming and i'll keep doing my best to implement it.

thanks everyone!