I want to respond from the standpoint of a marriage that is in the recovery phase - we are making it out of the he//hole that was left in the wake of my husband's affair last fall. He had a 2-3 month sexual affair with an acquaintance. He says no emotional connection, just sex only, she says the same thing. It was over the moment I found out. He is remorseful, and was definitely in a fog at the time.

I think what is referred to as "justification" should be viewed carefully. If you are talking about what the WS says on d-day or shortly thereafter about why they had the affair, I think that we are talking about something other than justification. That, to me, is more about self-preservation in the first place, then probably more complicated after the initial moments. Right at getting caught, there is probably denial, then what you call justification - basically, lies generated to protect the self. The WS doesn't want to look bad, doesn't want to have others think he's bad, doesn't want to hurt someone (either the BS or the OP), etc. On d-day and right after that, the "justification" you hear is pretty thin. It probably follows right along the same lines as the thinking that went on in the WS's mind when he/she was entering the A in the first place. Part of the "fog".

Later on, the justification does change. Once the fog is lifted, both spouses have had some time to figure out what they feel, where the marriage is going, etc., the justifications likely change. In the case where the BS and WS both want to save the M, justifications fall away very quickly, as they are pretty much non-productive in the recovery process. They give way to more meaningful dialog about the true why and how and what of the affair, the relationship, and the future. The justifications turn into questions to be explored about what is wrong with the relationship, and what can be done to turn it around, as opposed to "this is why I did what I did". Truth be told, most WS cannot really put one true reason down for why they had an affair in the first place. Too many reasons, a very complicated web.

Is your question about remorse? I think most WS do have remorse, whether or not they remain in the marriage, love the BS, the OP, and so on. Societal norms would dictate that adultery is wrong, is not acceptable by and large, and most people who violate in this magnitude have remorse. If not, that would indicate the WS is truly a callous person indeed, don't you think? To feel no remorse for hurting someone? I imagine there are a few WS out there who don't have remorse, but the vast majority do. From what I have read and seen, when a WS is in an active affair, there is often a sort of compartmentalization that happens in the mind, which allows them to live with their betrayal and guilt. Many WS are able to separate the two "love lives", which explains why some affairs can last so long, by this compartmentalization. Other WS end up confessing their affairs out of guilt - they are probably lousy compartmentalizers......or maybe just more honest people? Can't really say for sure.

Don't listen to the "justifications" at or near d-day. You can't rely on them. You need time to pass for both people to be able to evaluate the true meaning of the affair, where the WS was in his/her head, and time to let the fog lift. There are neurobiological factors involved as well, if you would like to start a new thread (or if the threadjackers would move elsewhere, hint, hint) I would like to talk about this some more. Also, I'd like to answer your question about forgiveness.

Comunication is the biggest key.

How many people resolve to lose weight and give in to the "munchies" the next day?
How many people know it is harmful to smoke but cannot quit?
How many "late sleepers" (like me) resolve to get up earlier and enjoy the day, but still stay in bed when the alarm goes, unless they are forced to for work?
How many of us MUST have their Tim Horton's coffee in the morning, even though we know it messes up our system (and probably contains nicotine)?
How many young adults "give in" to unprotected pre-marital sex even though they have heard and believe all the reasons to abstain?
How many spend the extra money on another new "toy" even when we know it's not in the budget?

It is all about feeling good now. We know it is not in our best interest, but the physical/emotional feeling is stronger than our will power and obscures our thinking.

What is stronger than that awesome "feeling" of love? We know it is not real. We know that marriage is hard work. We know that an A is bad for us and everyone around us... I'm sure that nearly all people caught in an A would have said prior that they would never do it or that it is wrong. But when we are faced with that awesome, knee buckling, head spinning, heart pounding, feeling of euphoria that comes over us when emotional needs are being met to the extreme... and the alternative at the time is sadness, frustration, or boredom... I would imagine it is a very difficult feeling to ignore.

This is why A's are so prevalent in the world today... it is a lack of willpower, it is a weakening of social conscience, it is stronger temptations all around. Men and women are working together in the workplace much more than in past generations. Clothing is more sexy and provocative. The news and movies are all about A's. Prior to my W's A, I would watch romantic movies with A's as the main plot and think nothing of it... even be happy for the affairees in some cases. Our history plays a role. My MIL had a couple of A's... one of which my W was conceived... the other, my MIL left her husband for and remarried. My W hated the thought of an A and vowed to not be like her Mom because of the hurt all around her... but also saw that there were some positive outcomes in her Mom's life. When the temptation hit, her past weakened her resolve and she was able to justify.

We may "know" that real Love is hard work... just like we know that losing weight or quitting smoking is hard work. But when we "feel" those feelings now, depending on how many defense mechanisms are in place in our lives, it can be an easy thing to want the "quick fix" good feeling now. Once we give in, the addiction takes over and it is hard to get out.

We are living in a weak, instant-gratification society which is a society ripe for A's.

This is why most BS's are disappointed (like I was) when a WS chooses to come back but still are not "in love". I expected my W to just snap out of it and realize all those loving feelings she had for me. It just doesn't work like that. A FWS chooses to return to the marriage because it is right, because it is the best alternative, or because they realize and remember they do love their spouse... but still are not "in love". After the hard work of recovery, the "in love" feelings may return... but it is the true love that keeps both couples working at it.

But for a WS to give up an affair and return to a marriage and truly want that marriage, the truth from the WS's perspective simply has to change.