ive been living with my wife for 5 years and married for 2.weve always been happy and everything seemed fine until i started to get nasty and take her for granted.ive accused her of having an affair earlier in the year which i was wrong about but i must have planted the seed in her head cause it winded up happening 2 and a half months ago.since i caught her she moved out and will not discuss anything but keeping us seperated.she tells me she loved me since the first time she laid eyes on me and always will but we can never work so she wants a divorce.she also says she loves the new guy but will stay away if i dont make trouble for him.she calls me everyday and finally got her to say we dont have to rush signing the divorce papers but will still tell me she wants work on things solo.i dont really know what to do i love her and know i created most of problems butall i want to do now is get the love back that we had 11 months ago if im not a burden on anyone i would greatly appreciate it i someone can help me before its to late...p.s. she not ready for councling either

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Votes accepted starting: 06/18/06 12:00 PM
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I am no expert (see my post) but I think we are kindred in our treatment of our spouses. Ever see the movie Unbreakable? In it, Bruce Willis's character and his wife (separated though living in the same house) go on a first date together but don't expect miracles.

In my case, I made my wife miserable through intolerable mental abuse (she must really love me to stay with me so long) and only on the cusp of loosing her, do I realize what I had. Counseling only works for people who want it. Though every day seems like eternity, I have decided to endure it, since she put up with me for soo long.

Start over is the only advice I have, I am trying that. I also discussed Plan A/ Plan B with my therapist and my wife at separate times, and though Plan A has merit, all three of us agree that Plan B will only make my chances of rectifying our marriage worse.

Brian

JM & Brian,

Welcome to MB. Sorry u r both here for similar reasons.

Btw JM, do you want us to answer the poll or do you want us to give you some input?

The following is generally recommended:

1. read the concepts section above
2. take the emotional needs questionnaire
3. read surviving an affair & his needs/her needs (both are by Dr. Harley). You will learn about plans A & B
4. secure your finances.
5. setup a personal support group (MC/IC, doctor, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, children, minister/paster/priest, pets, ......anything legal and good that will help you cope.
NOTE: U don't have to tell all to everyone, only enough to get their good support.

6. identify your personal boundaries..... you will need to work on your personal recovery 1st.
7. learn that the WS is not your real spouse' character. Learn how to deal with the actions and speeches of the WS vs your real spouse. Expect the WS to throw trash on you and even expect the WS to push you t/d their dirty work and get the D paperwork before you are ready. Learn to say NO to the WS as needed.

8.Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

9. Learn about the importance of exposure and how best to accomplish this.

10: You do want to keep the WS off balance so that your real spouse has a chance to escape. Sound crazy? Just watch what unfolds before you. It's a wild and crazy rollercoaster ride that will make you sicker than ever....but you can survive. U must survive.

That's good for a start. The rest will come later.

For now, go do some reading so you can get grounded again.

take care,
L.

i was looking for personal input you helped me so far thanks

who are you modeling when you behave so badly?

Pep

just with work problems and deaths in the family made me drink a little heavy and i was gunning for her cause i couldnt open up at the time to say i was in need ....so i pushed her away with nastyness

so ....

how do you handle stress today?

Pep

well it took her to have an affair and leave for me to see the light and i handle stress very humble now but now my problem is getting her to fall back in love with me she already loves me i need to get her in love again

jm,

I want you to click on this link and read this thread For Newly Betrayed Spouses by Longhorn, a member here on MB. Lots of very good information in here.

Also, you did not CAUSE your W's affair. Your "nasty" attitude may have helped break down the marriage but the choice to have an affair was hers and hers only. There were other far more acceptable ways of dealing with your marital problems other than seeking the attention of a third party.

Where is your W living right now? Any chance she could come back to live with you?

well we speak daily and are civil shes living with her mother since memorial day.some days we talk about fixing this and other days shew wont i kinda feel that if you want to think on your own then the guy in the affair is still around fogging up her thought ive spoke to him and he swore ****** never go near her again but im starting to have doubts and if in the picture i know im doomed what do you think i should do about this guy

jm,

How old are you and your W?
Are there kids involved?

What do you know about this OM? Is he married?

You don't need to "DO" anything about him right now. What you need is a strong Plan A to get your W back!! Have you read about Plan A yet?

im 28 and my wife is 26 no kids but were trying just before affair happened.i think trying to have a child which was the most important thing to her since we lived together,and was also difficult for her to have put a big strain on her mental state to .ive seen a little about plan a but dont fully understand yet.also do you think i shopuld speak about working things out again or just wait it out

the other guy was a 27 year old who i speak to often and use threats to keep away i dont know if this is the right thing to do either,and hes a single guy

today was more cold cause i called the other guy yesterday and kinda got out of hand with him, and i dont know if he told her

Which hand? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, anything that could land you in jail?

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Do any reading yet?

Need to get your focued and in a plan so you don't lose your cool. ok?

take care,
L.

I thought about that myself. This is what I planned to use. I want to check with my therapist but most likely the guy WILL tell her and she will resent me for it.

"I know that you are involved with XXXXX. I love her very much and want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with her is not okay. It is coming between us and is making it impossible for us to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with her forever."

thorstien that would probably be the best thing you got to let the op know you aint walking out without a fight

You think? I forgot to ask the shrink what I should do. I want to convey it to him in a roundabout way without her or him knowing it came from me, that would be sneaky but... if she didn't know she couldn't resent me.

Ugh....it is a razor's edge. My shrink said just to keep focusing on bettering myself and she should come back. The shrink believes that the affair will burn itself out. I hope so, but then that puts us back in the situation before the affair, although I will have changed.

Man, this is tough. My plan for now is to continue to meet her emotional needs and be patient.

Brian

the past week ive been on the other guy alot and now he changed his number,my wife changed the passcode on our cell phones so i cant look at the logs anymore and all progress with talks we were making seemed to get worse.also she is now accussing me of using the phone alot to make the bill big cause that was the only one i refused to pay and its her job to pay that.should i cool off with other guy even though i know eventully ill put him so uncomfortamble that ****** walk from her ,and should i pay the bill or let her see its tough on your own

I know in your first post you said your wife isn't interested in MC, but what about yourself? It sounds like you could benefit from IC. A counselor could give you new strategies for dealing with stressful situations and people that you may not have thought of, which could only help.

Unfortunately, there's no way to force the spouse and OP apart. In fact, it seems like efforts to do that bring them closer together, as in, "you and me against the world." Affairees unite against a common enemy. Trust me... I know this one by experience. I heard all about it from my XH's OW's XH who was calling me on the sly (do you follow me? she and her x talk all the time) He called me "anonymously" for months, telling me all the nasty things they said about me and how they mocked me after every tense encounter I had with XH.

If I were you, I'd read up on everything here, paying attention to the love bank, ENs, and plan A. Stick around here on this board for support as you plan A your heart out!!