today is my birthday and my wife called to wish me a happy birthday.but when i asked if she can stop by she told me she was tired and aint coming,should i take this as a sign that were getting even more distant and she is starting not to care for me att all?or is she still confused

she is now getting more and more distant does anybody know if this is common or im losing her

Happy belated birthday.

I talked with my shrink today and worked on some of my intimacy issues.

It sounds as if she is getting farther away (NOTE SOUNDS LIKE). What are you doing to better yourself? Workout? Dress up? Act confident (even though you don't feel it.) Meet those emotional needs even if you don't feel like it.

Try not to smother her. I gave my wife a cool necklace from Ron Jon surf shop when I was away. (Unexpected gift at an unexpected time = way to a woman's heart.) That is from Finding Forrester. I gave it to her selflessly without expecting anything in return. Also, it was only $5. Right now, it is the thought that counts.

Hey John,
Does she have any friends that you can confide in? My wife is straining her relationship with her best friend over the affair. Get this: OM told my wife that Best Friend was trading rumours about my wife at work. Instead of believing in a true friend, she believed a scumbag that messes with married women (I read an email). How is that for irrational?

She doesn't think splitting will hurt the kids. More irrational behavior. Unfortunately, one of the fears our wives have is the fear that if they try to make things work, our old selves will come back. That is a real tangible fear for them. We have to prove that it won't happen by focusing on changing ourselves.

I discuss some of the issues I talk about with the counselor to show her my growth in areas of intimacy. She really listened.

Coming up: I am going to ask her how long she wants to continue living like this.

Then, if she doesn't break up with him, I will give her a choice, leave him or leave the house. I am not giving up the kids. She cheated and continues to do so. She needs to see the consequences.

Everytime you talk, try to be upbeat even though you don't feel it. You want to get back some of the mystery she fell in love with. Think of what you did before you were married.

It is so hard to give without getting anything in return. It has made me feel better about myself and in turn will make me a better person.

Orchid: I know it w/b hard but don't grovel after her. It will hurt less if you distance yourself from the Ws and only draw close if it is your W u r seeing.


Orchid: Common for a Ws t/b distant. WS' don't like spouses.

How r u doing?

L.

thorstien thanks alot it looks like the first time we talked you were in bad shape and now it seems you got alot of things under control.im happy your making progress and you seem to know alot more stuff then the past few weeks im gonna try what you said about trying to find what i did right when we fell in love it dont hurt to get her a little gift just because either thanks again and if you need any help drop me a line [email]johnnylove75@aol.com....thanks[/email] buddy

i dint call her for 2 days then she called the house 3 times and my cell phone 3 or 4 times too.when i called back i told her i left it home whats the matter and she said its not like me to not answer her she wanted to see if i was alright...maybe that was a sign she might be able to get out under that spell..she said shell call me today so wish me luck

i need some help today wife went away for weekend supposidly with a female acquantince fro work when i call she picks up the phone but how would i klnow if she with op

Very difficult, JM, to live in our human heads, isn't it?

You don't know who she is with...that is a fact.

The rest are assumptions...stay in facts for now. How can you determine, without her assistance, where she is and who she is with?

Do you know enough about the OP to find out their whereabouts? Do you know enough about where she's gone to go find her without seeing her...this is about you not believing her, which is reasonable...you cannot get the truth from her...you can get it for yourself.

Focus on you, no games. Being authentic is Plan A...true to yourself...you can do this.

LA

U don't. Assume she is with the OP and learn to deal with it. Then do stress relief like go work out in the gym (punching bags are good), golfing, etc. Be around your supporters.

Expect her to come back and push the A in your face via a variety of devious ways. Plan some reverse babble lines as a retort if needed. Then if and when it happens, you won't be shockec but you w/b ready.

Basically, be prepared not shocked. It will hurt less.

take care,
L.

thanks ill have to do some research to see what really is going on

i know this will ruin any progress made with any sort of plan a but i cant help but wanting to go ring this guys bell crack his head.he knows i told him to back off and yet he still playin games im sure of it i got that same fellin i had when i found out

JM,

Have you exposed the affair? Have you read about Plan A and Plan B on this site? Have you found out who OM is and exposed to his family as well?

Have a look at the infidelity FAQ's on this site as well as Harleys basic concepts. The infidelity FAQ's are linked below in my sig.

stay strong there are lots of hills and valleys, what is giving you the feelin?

everyone is away this weekend a place me and my wife would normally be ..i just feel extra crummy tonite

kahuna i found the other guy and exposed to him but not his family you think i should i have the number

Yes his family and yours and your wife's. Do not assume her family knows the correct story. Also friends, neighbours, anyone who can influence her behaviour.

i didnt want my family to hate her so i kept it quiet as far as hers they all agree with me except her mom who i think dont want to believe what really happened but her family hasnt been able to speak to her yet cause she makes excuses for not meeting wioth them

Expose JM - to everyone in the list I already gave you. It's your #1 tool in smashing the fantasy - especially, and as a priority, OM's W if he has one and his family.

thanks i will do it..the other guy dont have a wife so i hope telling his parents will make a difference but i will tell them i aint going away so that im sure will pressure them to act on it....thanks kahuna

Expose is good. Do not warn the OM by telling him anything you think or plan to do.

Just do what you need to do without warning. Better to keep him wondering what you may do. That factor alone may keep him in line a bit.

Know your tools and use them wisely. Do not be foolish.

L.