Exposure seems to be backfiring. WW and family are super pissed that people in town know. However, I honestly do not beleive that the people I told have spread it. I have learned that WW's school discovered affair on her computer and know of a number of people that know from that source.

I began Plan A in October immediately upon dicovery. Biggest problem was lack of income and overweight. So far have lost about 60 pounds. As for income, I'm self-employed but was able to put together several really goods months right away. Sadly, also made more discoveries as she was containuing affair. Discoveries caused me to be obsessive about finding out more and business went but to bare bones.

Anyway, I began taking care of myself, paid more attention to her, tried to get the projects done around the house I kept promising. Felt like I was doing everyhting I could. Unfortunately, several more discoveries. Felt I did a good PLan A but she continued the A. Feel she did nothing to fix our M, or appreciate my attempt at fixing it. She wants to separate to figure things out. I stood firm that I did not beleive that was best way, it's my house too.

Thought more controlled exposure would help. Only told those individuals that I thought might be good influence, talker to her.

Exposure seems to have backfired. Now all the problems are my fault. Though they all say affair was not justified, I made her extremetly unhappy so in essence what do I expect to have happened. Even her mother who has told me from the start that she thought it would eventually work out appears to no longer side with me. Of course, it's because the family is now being associated with my WW's behavior (but again, it's my fault because I have exposed).

I have been generally positive about the marriage being built back up, that is until the last few days.

Though I have refused to separate, I am not spending much time around house. Had serious computer crash, slow collections, not geting lots of work because of trying to find out what's going on. Therefore, it seems that all conversations wind up becoming her telling me we are broke, that I provide no money, etc. We live in a home owned by her parents, behind on tons of bills, we have not put our priorities in order ever since day one. The A put my life in perspective for me and I have learned tons. beleive everyone should read Dr. Harley and Gary Chapman before going into any relationship. I have accepted responsibility for the messes to which I have contributed. Although we're behind on bills, I still manage to pay for piano, violin, French lesson, way too much clothes, etc.

Her mother advised that she had talk with WW and that she thinks the A has ended. I do not.

Sorry for rambling. I suppose my question is, do I continue to try to do plan A stuff, do I move out, other options.

We have three kids who are already showing signs of the conflict to which they have been exposed. In fact, WW told me that at two different libraries my 6 year old pulled out a book called "When Daddy Moved Out." This think is breaking my heart.

WW not ready for counseling though seems less resistant than in past. I have said that so much has gone on, and it's difficult for us to talk that I thought it was important to have a third party assit in the establishment of good communication. I am going to IC with a pro-M counselor.

Yes I have meds. No I have not been using them properly. Not consistently.

Thanks.

that's a good thing

if the affair was not sleezy they would not mind it being printed in the newspaper !!!

exposure has not backfired

were you expecting roses and chocolate???

hang in there

Pep

Unless you are the Ws, don't move out.

Expect her to try and paint you 'bad'....prepared to defend your honor. Keep track of events in a safe place and find out your rights. More H's and fathers are getting custody because a WS is not healthy for any family regardless if it is a WSW or WSH.

JMHO,
L.

I think you should use the meds consistently. They should help you concentrate on your work.

In the meantime, don't move out.

Pep: Of course not. It's just that WW actually told several friends of her intent and follow through of the A yet I'm the one accused of spreading it around town.


Orchid: (1) I am not, I have not (2) Know them. What's kinda funny is that I am a divorce lawyer. If nothing else, I understand better what some of my clients are going thorugh and have led a number to this web site.


Believer: Thanks. (1) I have finally reached the point of truly understanding that I need them and will follow directions. (2) I have not.

To all: With regard to moving out, if it seems that the WW is still communicating/seeing the OP, then how do you finally know it is time to cut off contact. I do not think that my WW really wants me out because if nothing else, she knows there will be no money provided for anyhting she wants that is not related to the kids and as long as I am in the house it will appear that we are working on rebuilding M and I will contribute to her financial needs.

Orchid: Good. U know your rights. That is helpful but doesn't make you immune from the mental and emotional attacks of a WS. So IMHO, the help from here coupled with your legal experience will give you the skills to survive. We can't help with the legal stuff but we can direct you with support on that emotional rollercoaster.

Learn your plans A & B. Read up on Suriviving an affair, His needs/Her needs (both by Dr Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson). There are many other good books....these are the ones that helped me.

Id your personal boundaries. You know the part about securing your finances and seem to have a good support group going.

If you can call Jennifer C @ MB and get a plan going for you 1st, you will find that a WS does not like it when a BS is getting help, support and recoverying from the shock. Expect her to try and shake your world. Women are notorious for playing the victim and making the innocent look guilty. Stand your ground. Learning a bit of reverse babble would help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. When your mind and heart sync up (after the shock wears off), you will know when u r ready to go to plan B. That plan as with plan A is for you to help you move forward. If she is still a WS when u r ready to move forward, then D c/b around the corner. No guarantees because the WS are unstable in their plans and will try to keep you off balanced.


Orchid; In addition to what I wrote above, remember not to meet the needs of a WS but meet the needs of your W and children.

Example:

WS: I need $$$$.00 to go to a day spa and a trip to the wine coutnry.

BS: No can do. Saving for my children's college fund.
Tell me a real need.

WS: I need $$$.00 to get my hair dyed blue and my nails stripped black and green.

BS: Not in the budget. Saving for my retirement.

WS: Ok, need some $$$$.00 for school lunch.

BS: School has been out for 2 weeks. Give me a real family need.

WS: Oh yea. Ok, I will go and make dinner.

BS: That's a good idea. I'll come and help.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.