I am the wife of a roughneck. He has been working in the oilfield for little over a year now. We've been married 7 years and have two children ages 1 and 4. He has had a problem with alcohol for a very long time and has been arrested several times for alcohol related offenses. The alcohol has caused alot of problems in our marriage over the years. The alcohol abuse has just recently gotten worse when he switched rigs and is now away from home two weeks out of the month where before he was on a rig that was close enough to home that he was home every night. On the other rig he would have benders and would go out and get drunk and stay gone all night now and then. I decided to quit nagging him about his drinking since he switched rigs and now the alcohol is almost a daily thing. The last time he was home he was home for a total of 11 days, only 2 days out of that 11 did he not touch a beer the whole day. I am certain that the beer he drinks when he is working is a daily thing as his toolpusher (the boss on the rig) has called here twice wanting to talk to him cause he did not show up for work on time. He is working 6 hours away from home right now. The toolpusher has said that it has been so bad this hitch with the crew that he was making alcohol the topic of the week. I don't know how else to approach him about this and not cause a fight. I have tried several different ways over the years and it always causes a fight. I get excuses like " this is who I am, you can't get rid of one bad thing and expect everything else to stay the same, you get rid of that and you get rid of some of the things that you love about me." I am at my wits end with this. The drinking has caused so much financial trouble and legal trouble that it is unreal. Six cars have been wrecked in the seven years we have been married the latest being just this past February. Is anyone else married to a roughneck or and alcoholic and is there any hope? Thank you.

Molly,

Welcome to MB. You have posted to the General Questions II infidelity sight. I am not experienced on your subject of alcoholics but a few here have dealt with that issue.

A recommendation for you to get support is to join AA. Let's keep your post at the top so we can get better support for you and your question.

I do know that communication between a husband and wife c/b difficult. It is recommended you read a book called 'His Needs/Her Needs. It is by Dr Harley. It will give you the basics on how to talk to your H vs you talking to him as how you want to hear it. Then you can deal with his alcohol issue.

From his responses, it sounds like he is babbling. You don't have to absorb his guilt. Sounds like his work is suffering. He keeps it up and he may lose his job. If that happens are you financially able to support your family? Might be something to work on.

Getting him help is important. You may want to team up with his boss to see if there are any type of health aides availabe to workers in his company. I am sure your H is not the only one with this problem.

take care,
L.

Molly - run, don't walk to an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You can learn all about his addiction to alcohol, and also learn how to "detach with love" and learn to help yourself. I now belong to Al-Anon due to a 15 year co-dependent relationship with my ex-husband, who is a drug/alcohol addict. You really never know just how much the disease of addiction can affect YOUR life until you've just about lost it all! I cannot stress more how important it is to get help for YOU - because, I will outline the Three "C"'s of addiction:

1. You didn't CAUSE it;
2. You can't CONTROL it;
3. You can't CURE it.

Take care of you.....

Molly

I live in roughneck land (norhter Alberta Canada).

My husband isn't one, but works in the industry - he once was one.

The environment it is - breeds use of alcohol and drugs - not on the job, but usually immediately after the job, as most are single, are far away from their wives if married and they make a LOT of money. Why alot of young men are usually the ones out there.

Most roughnecks dont put much away...I know with rough necks up here coccaine is a huge problem...the local ALanon is very busty.

You need to find your local Al-Anon - with or without him and start to figure out what you need to do - you may be surprised at how many more women are int he same place as you with husbands in the same field.

Like someone else said - RUN, dont walk.

I have been on and around rigs off and on most of my life. The environment breeds alcoholics or cocaine addicts. I know the money is attractive in most places but it is dangerous even when you are at full mental capacity. I don't know if he drinks OTJ yet but if not, it is only a matter of time. That will get him fired. No company will accept that kind of liability. Unfortunately it might get him or someone else killed first.

Absolutely you need to get him into AA but you also need to get him to change jobs. The majority of roughnecks I know are either alcoholics or recovering ones. I knew a guy who drank two bottles of Jack Daniels every night - and was proud of it BTW. He died about a year ago.

The term oil field trash is very appropriate. I should know - I am. He needs to find a better environment to surround himself with.

Thank you all for your responses and advice. Sorry I posted on the wrong forum,oops! I have already contacted an al-anon in my area to find a meeting close to me. Unfortunately, due to the good car being wrecked and having to buy older cars and fix them has left us with only one car which he takes to work. So the kids and I are without a car for two weeks right now. The other car will hopefully be fixed at the end of this hitch. The hope of getting him to switch jobs, although I must admit the money is good, is hopeless. He loves this work and the enviroment. He says that he finally found a place that he fits in and the people think the way that he does. He now wants us to move to a place that will be closer to the rig he works on now and says that he doesn't do very well without me. So if we move closer at least he will be able to come home every night or at least the kids and I will be closer so that we can visit him. Right now he is 6 hours away from home. I am a stay at home mom and have pretty much been that since my little girl was born 4 years ago. My little boy will be 2 in September. So as of right now I have no job and with the car situation and now that he is in trouble with the law again since wrecking the car, the finances are in shambles again. Which is ridiculous because he makes $26/hr most of it being overtime. It still blows my mind. Anyway, he has a class c ovwi felony warrant on him in another state that we used to live in and extradition is possible. He was thinking of skipping out on this court date to avoid being extradited. I got him talked back into not skipping this one. And tell me if this is wrong... part of me hopes that he gets put in jail... not because I want him punished or anything but hope that something like that would wake him up. Is that sick of me to think that? I don't want him to go to jail I just want him to wake up and see. As for getting him into AA, well, don't ask his opinion on that. He has been court ordered to AA so many times he has probably exceeded the limit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> As most alcoholic's wives have said... he is like living with dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. The best husband and father you could ever ask or hope for until... beer is brought into the picture. I live in a small rural town in Wyoming, this town was once an oilfield boom town way back when, and from talking to just some of the people in town about this problem all they can tell me is... it's the oilfield what do you expect? Thanks again for the support and sorry I posted in the wrong place.

Molly,

Don't be sorry. You can get support here. Just wanted you to know where you were posting. This is probably the one part of MB with the most traffic. You will find some pretty deep issues discussed here and sometimes learning how to deal with an addictive issues posted.

Keep reading and posting. You can even search under alocholism or alcohol. You will find posters such as Melody Lane, Bramble Rose and others who can provide valuable info.

You are right to have him meet his responsibilities. It could be harder if he has to serve time. But it is more important he learn how NOT to succumb to the addictive tendicies of alcoholism.

take care,
L.

Molly,

How are you doing?

L.

Orchid

Things are still running about the same. The drinking hasn't let up one bit. He was supposed to be home from being on the road today. I completely ran out of groceries and wasn't able to even feed my kids breakfast this morning. He got stuck in another town trying to fix our other car and he has had our bank account overdrawn so long that they froze it and he was not able to get money out to get home. He wants to move us closer to where he works on the rig. I told him that I was completely out of groceries this morning when he called and asked him what I was supposed to do. He told me to do whatever I had to. Meanwhile this town that he is stuck in is also where some of his rig buddies live. So I know for sure that they put him up, fed him and surely provided beer for him. These guys make twice what he does. Instead of trying to fix the grocery situation at home so that his family is taken care of I get told do whatever I had to. He didn't suggest maybe borrowing some money from his rig buddies and doing western union or anything. No ideas, no suggestions... just all up to me to fix when it is... and this is no stretch of the truth... his fault that our finances are the way they are. I've been tellin him since Friday that we were about out of groceries and that they were in bad shape. Instead of heading home straight away he goes to casper and buys a transmission for our other car. I know the other car needs fixed but he should of come home at least long enough to make sure we had food to eat. I have decided to go ahead and move with him. The town we are moving to is more populated and has jobs available. I decided once we get settled in new place, that I would find a job and start saving to get out. This has worn old and I will not let my children or I go hungry again. He can't be depended on anymore. The house we are moving out of I am getting the deposit back on and keeping and telling him that I couldn't get it back. I had to call my parents to send me some money and had to get a ride to cody. I live in a very little town that only has a gas station so you have to go to cody to get groceries and everything. That task in itself was humiliating and having to explain why I needed the money and why I needed a ride was painful. I've done nothing but cry. But my parents and the couple who gave the kids and I a ride are great people and got mad at me for waiting so long to ask for help. But in moving to a new town at least if the car breaks down I can walk to work. I've just had all I can take. I tried again to talk to him about the alcohol. Tell me if this makes any sense. He wants us to move so we can be closer to the rig he works on and says that he doesn't do well without me and this way he'll be able to see us more. But when it comes to the drinking he will lose everything over his pride. Does this make any sense whatsoever? He needs me but is willing to lose everything over, a new excuse by the way, keeping his pride and to keep drinking. His mind baffles me. But I am making plans to get out. I will not raise our children this way. Thanks for wondering about me. Again, any feedback would be appreciated. I know I probably never will.. but I am trying to understand what is going on in his mind. God Bless

oh and he has decided to skip out on the court date to avoid the chance of being extradited. The statute of limitations is 8 1/2 years on the ovwi felony. The biggest reason why we are moving....I called an attorney to find out about the chances of him being extradited and the statute of limitations. I told him if he could stay out of trouble for 8 1/2 years they couldn't come after him on the felony warrant. His response: yeah right, like I can stay out of trouble that long, yeah, that's gonna happen. And in case you don't know, ovwi means operating vehicle while intoxicated. Didn't know if you know what that meant or not. He has a record long enough to circle the earth at least once. All alcohol related offenses. He told me one time that he got arrested over 60 times in one year just for dwi's and public intox.

Well I knew that ovni means "space alien" in Spanish but the USA just gets so creative with alcohol related offenses any more. I liked the old days when DUI was all there was.

60 times in one year and proud of it I imagine.

Sounds like your husband is completely addicted to alcohol and will do anything to deny it, justify it, explain it but never do anything to fix it. He is the only one who can help himself. You moving close to him will not do that. You can't fix him. He has to. But first he has to want to. Maybe you leaving will be his wakeup call. Hard to say.

It is really a shame because he makes good money but can't support his family. All he is supporting is his habit and not doing a very good job of that. I am really sorry for you.

Your right, the 60 times in one year is a big joke to him. I know moving close to him won't fix it. But it gives me a better chance of taking the steps to get out. Financial wise and everything. As far as leaving him, out of the seven years we have been married I have left him at least five times and of course I got I promise I won't do it again and went back....my own stupidity. Thanks for the response piojitos. God Bless

Hi Molly,

I've been married to a recovering alcoholic 'rough-neck' for almost 10 years now. He's a heavy duty mechanic and has done a fair bit of work in camp situations. I know it's not the same as working on the rigs, but from what my H says the mentality of the workers isn't much different.

When alcohol and or drugs is so prevalent at a workplace things truly do get out of hand. Even my husband with 21 years sobriety found being in camp difficult in terms of staying sober.

I think it's very wise of you to have a plan in place for gaining financial security for you and the kids.

I also have to agree with the previous posts recommending Al-Anon...there's no way I could have stayed sane in my marriage without it!

Al-Anon won't help you 'fix' him...but it will help you deal with the effects of his alcoholism on you and your kids...whether you decide to stay with him or not.

Please feel free to keep posting here, I'm sure you'll find a great deal of helpful information.

Take care.