Suzet - I have read this thread from start to finish and am feeling so sad for you and your H.

When I first posted here with my problems I looked to you for understanding of my situation and I received it. Sometimes reading your responses to me was all that kept me sane during the toughest of times. I read them carefully because I knew from your experiences that you understood where my H was coming from and becaue of this and your knowledge of the MB principles you could help me out.

Please do the same for yourself. BE BOLD. Do what ever it is you need to do to keep your marriage and your H safe. So many of the posts above have been honest and true. Painful probably in some instances but nevertheless excellent advice. Know that so many of us are thinking about you both and want what is best.

Take care of each other.

Georgina

Dear Georgina,

Thanks SO much for your heartfelt response and concern for me and my H…

Yes, I still remember your story. I’m glad my posts and understanding was helpful to you in the past…and I’m so sorry I “failed” and disappoint you (as I “failed” and disappoint all the other MBers on this thread and myself). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Like I’ve said in my first post, I don’t feel I have the any “creditability” to advice and encourage other on these boards anymore... And apart from the fact that I have hurt and disappoint my H so terribly, this is the one other thing that saddens me the most…

As you can probably “see” from my posts…today is not a good day for me – I feel frustrated, upset and sad all at the same time (with everyone and myself).

Blessings to you and take care,
Suzet

I will say this only once, Suzet, and I hope you take it in the spirit it is intended.

Yes, I expect you to quit your job, even if it leaves you homeless.

Here's why:

I suspect that you would "open a door" to something else by taking the ACTION of leaving the job...

..or...

Your H would take a second job, if necessary, to fill the gap until you found something else, and would be happy to do so because HIS WIFE has shown her love for him by leaving the job where OM is...

...or...

You would work at McDonald's until something in your field opened up, which would AGAIN show your H your INTENT to DO ANYTHING to save your marriage.

My ex-H and I have talked about this a lot -- had I quit my job immeditately, I would have lost out on a job that I'd waited 7 years to get (I worked temp for those years). I would have lost $40,000 a year and benefits. Instead, I lost my marriage AND the job (when I realized I could no longer work with OM under ANY circumstances).

Weigh that. There is no comparison.

...and...

Suzet, I have been homeless. No, not in a cardboard box, but my H and I had to separate for a short time (six months) and each live with a parent until we could afford another home (an apartment, in our case). We actually lost everything tangible (including our car).

While it was embarrassing and difficult, it was necessary for a time. There are worse things. Honestly, I doubt it would come to that for most people. We truly were in a unique (un-affair-related) situation.

I am a very strong proponent for quitting your job, your church, your club, or moving away from the OP - no matter what that looks like. My first H and I collected cans off the street, he mowed lawns and I babysat for awhile... that's what happened when times got tough. Yes, you will (most likely) have some rough times ahead, but they will make you STRONGER *as a couple*.

Finally, and I know how harsh this sounds, but again, please understand that I have been there... the price you pay for having an affair is a steep one. There is no getting around it or finding a soft landing.

Affairs are very messy business. You know that. I know that.

You went as far as you are willing to go. Period. Exposing to OMs wife is not on your personal menu..leaving your job is not..enforcing real NC is not..but at least you let your H *know* ..and you seem to believe that this is the limit of your responsibility. How very convenient that "the right thing to do" fits so well within your personal comfort threshold.

Surely you can find some text to comfort you about this decision..I'm certain it will be posted soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Suzet...

FWIW, if you would have sent those emails to my husband I would most certainly consider you as one of the parties responsible for my betrayal. I would indeed feel VICTIMIZED by you...OMW IS YOUR VICTIM TOO!!!

And you are worried about starving? REALLY? Where is your faith Suzet? How big is YOUR GOD???

No worries though, we all serve one of two here...It is crystal clear who you are serving...Satan IS thrilled by your decision to LIE by omission...

Mrs. W


P.S. LOL Big K

Say I just noticed something interesting reading back a few posts.

Why Suzet..you don't believe that *YOU* personally have harmed OMW. That you are in no way in debt to her.

How unbelievably callous of you.

Let's see..you are swapping love notes with..uh..her HUSBAND..but I'm sure she won't mind..and even if she does it all HIS responsibility not yours at all. You telling her husband how much you love him is in no way an offense against her.

Your sense of entitlement boggles the mind and defies all laws of God and man.

You are a smug OW indeed. Yuck.

I've seen enough..I'm done. It was all a lie. Everything you professed to believe..was all a lie. Everything you claimed you learned..lie.

Where the rubber meets the road..Suzet looks out for #1.

What a waste of time. I should have known better.

This is the most I've been insulted and attacked in my whole life and I will not expose myself to this any longer. The name calling and the way my words are twisted are just unbelievable.

Shame on me for confessing to this forum in the first place and be honest with these boards… I should have known better…

I’m done with these forums. Good Bye everyone.

I chimed in on this post very early on (on the recovery board) and offered my support to Suzet. I still extend that but have a few observations...
Your complete failure... complete... to recognize your responsibility to the OMW is way off base. You were complicit in the assault on her marriage. You owe it to her to make reparations for the damage that YOU have caused.
Your warped take on the very principles that allow this board to function. This is just another example of a long term MB forgetting about everything that is not convenient to her current situation. You are driving your M and that of the OMW right off a cliff because it is the easiest route for you to take.
I am becoming so disenchanted with the MB forum because it seems as often as not, that situational ethics rule the day. There seems to be no sense of right/wrong on these boards... no desire to be accountable to others (unless of course you happen to be posting on someone elses issues!!!!).
I wonder what responsibility that Suzet and others that have taken the moral low road have to the young WW that shows up here in the early stages of her A... only to find a long time MB'er advocating some of the things I see here.
I am glad when I showed up on this site that Plank, Bob P, ML and others with a clear sense of morality were the ones that counseled me. The compass setting I would have found from some others would have most assuredly led me down the wrong path.

Oh, bull [email]cr@p..[/email] you have people here trying to help you and rather than deal with fact and the impression that you are giving... you decide to take your ball and go home.
I for one, hope you stay... hear what your fellow MB'ers are saying... talk this out and grtow from it. You deserve nothing less.
But if you really do have that attitude about leaving because you FEEL you have been insulted... ask yourself, are the words written here in any way able to be compared to the insult that you have thrust on the OMW??? I think not and that is why the posters here are being tough on you.
So, if you go.. then go. If you stay... right your compass and learn from your mistakes.

I wish to pose a question to some who have posted in response to Suzet's thread.

What meaning do you attach to the word 'communication'? To me it implies, in part, the provision of information with the intention to influence - in this case a particular outcome or course of action.

Has that been achieved here? I am fairly astonished at some of what has been written. I can understand the strong feelings that this subject generates as there is nothing which means more to me than total fidelity in marriage, but if seeking to influence was the intention of the authors of some of the comments, I fail to see that this has been achieved.

If I were ever to take a course of action that broke the code of MB, I am not sure that I would be brave enough to bring it to this forum and trust that I would receive kindness. And yes, the word kindness is deliberatley used as I believe that it is essential to wrap advice given in it so that the receiver knows that the advice given is with love. The best parent knows that a child will learn more when the lessons taught are provided with love and caring rather than with harshness.

Once again I see someone - Suzet in this instance - who is not immediately taking the action recommended by some posters and it seems that she has been immediately vilified.

Georgina

Georgina, just because she marched off on a huff does not mean the communication was ineffective; it likely means the opposite. It only means that several folks HIT THE MARK and she is uncomfortable because of it. She NEEDS to be uncomfortable right now because that is what it will take to wake her [censored] up.

Sometimes the greatest act of "kindness" is not cute, nice-sounding words, but a well timed 2x4. Cute, nice-sounding words have not awakened Suzet in 3+ years as you can see. In this case, I suspect the 2x4 is the greatest act of compassion.

Nor is "kindness" called for when she is victimizing a fellow female and her H.

Suzet,
I must say you really disappoint me, although I really do love a good "goodbye cruel Forum" letter here at MB.

Funny thing when someone posts one of those it is usually someone trying to justify their actions or inactions and are sooooo very offended that folks with morals are calling them on it.

Your husband has been without a job for 2.5 years--sure hope one of your emotional needs is not financial support. Maybe that is why the OM looks so good to you- he has a job. He has a job that supports his WIFE and his family.

Like Noodle, I wonder is there not a McDonalds there? Believe me, if my husband was without a job, he'd work at Mcdonalds or dig ditches to support his family. I have worked at jobs that are 'below' me as well. I have even cleaned nasty, nasty apartments after people with absolutely no idea of cleaning moved out. You do what you have to do.

But, anyway, back to your "goodbye cruel forum" post,

I suppose you won't see this since you are gone forever, so I will say this for all of the other waywards on here.

Despite what HurtingDeeply tells, the Betrayed Spouse deserves to know. And I always enjoy a thread when the majority of the posters are telling you the same thing- what you don't want to hear- and one or two posters are telling you exactly what you want to hear- and you latch on like glue to the one who justifies you. If all you want is justification, go on over the Gloryb. They are in the business of justifying- this is a non-justfying site.

In case you forgot, Dr. Harley's principles are the ones taught here- not hurtingdeeply.

How DARE YOU, continue destruction of a family by putting ALL Of the blame for his marriage on his back.

YOU, Suzet, YOU, any other WAYWARD spouse are responsible!!!

HOW DARE you keep something like this from the betrayed spoouse because it MIGHT cause you some discofort. Give me a break!

HOW DARE you play God in someone else's life by deciding what they should know.

If you have an morals, any standards at all, you will forward his wife the emails.

YOU MESSED UP- If you mess up - you have to pay the consequences. You don't get to choose the consequences, too bad you didn't think about THAT when you were CHOOSING to engage in an inappropriate relationship with HER husband.

Be a decent human being- tell the omw.

Give her the opportunity to fight for her marriage if she desires.

Quit making her choices for her.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



YES Moveforward .... the infamous FORMERLY FWW door-slamming good-bye-cruel-marriage-builders-world-I-have-never-been-so-insulted-in-my-life ... exit speech

always a good read

Suzet* ... how low have you sunk after exposing yourself to the slippery slope?

Finger-pointing at we the people ... the posters on MB who care enough about you to post to you ... you are leaving MB because we were insulting YOU !!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

... meanwhile, you have recently exchanged slurpy love words with another woman's HUSBAND & refuse to tell HER about your trespassing into HER marriage ??? and you do this KNOWING that many formally & current betrayed spouses are here trying to help YOU !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

YOU HAVE INSULTED ME SUZET*

while you are away (thinking & calming down) ... please locate your sense of compassion for the betrayed posters here on MB ... who are reaching out to you

if you return ... bring it ... bring your compassion

and leave your tired, worn out rationalizations at home

Pep

Yes, I AM cynical. How anyone who has read through this thread could not be is beyond my ken. If you are not, you must truely be a compassionate person. I have very little of that left for soome people.

And I must admit to a gross errror in my summation that the emails were sophmoric. They are not...they are melodramatic, rather like some cheap romance novel that a 7th grade girl would read and sigh over.

As you can see, our OP has tired to do exactly the thing of doing something incredibly damaging to a bunch of otehr people, trying to justify justify justify, create some hey look at ME pay attention to ME, I am really the preson hurting crap while choosing to ignore their culpibilty. And yes, as predicted, it has turned into hey boo hoo, you are all ATTACKING me, so I am going to throw my toys about and mince off and crawl under a bush an dCRY because you are all so bad to me.

Bull$hiT.

Suzet it is pretty dam simple. Pull up yer britches, tell the creep to sod off, everytime you see him coming, walk across the street, IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Change your email address like someone who means it, complain to his ISP about harrassment..whatever.
Take extraordinary efforts to avoid this man. IT IS SIMPLE.
Simple, that it, if that is what you really want. Obviously YOU DON'T.
Pathetic.

Suzet*
I never did quite grasp why YOU would loose your job if you exposed to OMW. You say you don't even work that closely together.

While we on MB can see this is an EA, your HR department can't fire you over a love letter, can they? Would they want ANOTHER lawsuit on thier hands? Sounds like you're probably pretty untouchable, if your H is already in litigation with them. Anything they do could be construed as retaliatory.

JMHO. Trying to give you the motivation to jump in an get busy on this recovery. I see lots of 2x4s laying on the ground already, so I'll just leave it at that. Hope you still read here, even if you don't post. You know everyone here cares about you, or they wouldn't be so harsh.

In a way, you are fortunate to have these folks paying such close attention to your story. It's much better than being ignored.

I hate "goodbye cruel world" posts...SO DRAMATIC...but maybe that is what this has been about all along...On some level all WW's dig/dug the drama-I am a FWW, I should know...

Suzet, I am VERY disappointed...One of the things that I have always admired about you around here is your ability to LISTEN, CONSIDER and EVEN CHANGE YOUR MIND when others show you flawed logic...Seriously, you have impressed me with that...I had hope for you here, FWIW, I still have some left...

Suzet, (and Georgina) TRUE FRIENDS to you and your marriage will NEVER lie to you...or sugarcoat harsh truths...It is from the 2 x 4's that I have received here that I have learned the most...I have heard others here profess the same...

Jesus wasn't always polite when standing up for His Father...Think about that...In fact, I'm CERTAIN that if Jesus ever posted on MB, some here would be LOUDLY screaming "THAT WAS A DJ, JESUS!!!"...I am also MORE than certain that He would not care, because He is certain who He serves, as am I...

Make no mistake about it Suzet, your Christian marriage is under attack...Stand up and FIGHT for it...You will have God on your side should you decide to do that, and GOD is BIG!!!

Mrs. W

Suzet will be back. She knows that bullsh*t has a short shelf life and she can't get away with that nonsense here. She is extremely smart and can see right through that crap.

Suzet, you know what you have to do; you know that WE know it too and aren't going to buy any tired, old bullcrap rationalizations. That isn't even GOOD bullcrap. You have taken the easier, softer route for years and it has availed you nothing. Time to get to work.

We are your friends and are here to support you in doing the right thing. There are very few here who care so little that they are going to tell you what you WANT to hear. You know better than to expect that. So, get your [censored] back here when you calm down.

Your friend,
Mel

p.s. your Goodbye Cruel World post was REJECTED! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Goodbye Cruel World?
How funny.
Bleh.

LOL-And I second this, all those in favor???

NOBODY around here gets PAID, so there ain't no department to handle one of these...NEGATIVE, DENIED SUZET!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />