Hi MrWondering,

Thanks for deciphering the fog talk. I asked my W if she had posted anything on MB and she denied it. I checked her computer and couldn't find a trace of it (cookies and the such), but of course she could've done it from work.

I exposed the A to the OMW as promised and the details are here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3045761

From now on, please continue on that thread to keep only one thread alive.

FYI

Ot posted update on his exposure to OMW on GQII

Ot, good for you, you did the right thing. I am sure he is not the first OM that has threatened harm to the exposer...I hope someone can guide you through that aspect.

I respect you greatly for telling the BW.

Blessings
Glad

Hi, I am in a somewhat similar situation but of course differences - the main similarity being we don't have children, We both have been betrayed and We both are confused, feel helpless, feel like it is maybe our fault is some twisted screwed up way; We shouldn't feel like that I know - it has been 5 weeks for us and I feel like i have been numbed; WS has had no contact and doesn't live or work by us. It sounds like you have also not told anyone - we have not told anyone, I want to tell his family and friends and show them what kind of a jerk he was; I feel the need to hurt him but don't know how to accomplish this without hurting myself along with him, leaving him I'm hurt, telling people I'm hurt, I want to sign post nuptual agreement and that to me is a non-negotiable. Maybe we can help eachother b/c from your subject title I can see we are both questioning what we should do. we are couseling with Dr. Steve b/c I am afraid that counselers not used to dealing with A will not know how to help us, will not understand the pain we are in

married 11/17/01
DDAY 5/24/06
A lasted 2 years
No kids

I've also thought of signing a post-nuptial agreement and I've been reading up about it to find out what's involved. For me, I have such a huge resentment that I don't think I would be able to respect my WW ever. Even after the discovery of the A she continued to lie to me even when I was holding evidence on it. I even found out she had gone to a hotel with the OM and had asked her to stop talking to him. She continued talking and calling him behind my back and lying to me about it. Even after we spent a whole weekend together away, she came back and immediately slept with the OM again!! I feel like I was chosen only after she started seeing that she wouldn't have a future with the OM. Which makes me believe it was all sexual. Which then leads me to believe that she was just trying to get some from somebody else since she knew there was no future with the OM: someone who doesn't read/speak English, makes 1/3 of the money I do, is from a different religion, is a huge fan of a rival sports team (RedSox-Yankees), and belongs to a political party my WW hates. Yet she chose to be sexual with the OM and only stopped it because I can give her a life that the OM can't. I feel so used.

She asked for space, which of course I gave it to her and it only resulted in her sleeping with the OM again. I definitely don't see myself with her forever like I did before.

Sorry for what you are going through. Your story sounds just like mine. My wife also had an affair and lied. Kept lying and I had evidence but she did not know. She continued sleeping with the OM after I told her I knew she just denied and kept doing it.

I then showed her my evidence and told her I am done. She can have her OM and I want a divorce. She also decided to stop sleeping with OM. It was fun while it lasted when you have a boyfriend and a husband paying for it.

I like you feel the only reason why she wants to stay is because of the money. I just could not stand the fact that she slept with a guy like that. It is really hard to deal with it.

I struggle with it all of the time. I have tried to forgive her but I just can't stand the though of staying with her. My wife had asked for space to continue the affair but now I want the space. For some reason I just could not get past it. I also did not want to feel used for the money I earn by her. I even had a fantasy about finding another woman and then dumping her to show her how it feels but that is not who I am.

I wish I had an easy answer for you but I don't. It is so hard to try when they are off sleeping with another guy. If she wanted to do that she could have asked for a divorce and I would have let her go. I know women don't like feeling used for sex by their husbands. As a husband I don't like being used for my paycheck.

Keep reading and if you find a way to forgive then let me know. I would not wish this on anyone.

I have asked my W several times why she stays with me and doesn't go with the OM. She simply says that she loves me, which is great and all.. but why does she love me? How can she love me and sleep with two guys on the same day? How can she love me and let herself get kissed, touched, and undressed by someone else?

IHE, so it sounds like you are still with your W. How long ago did you discover the A? I would like to give my W a second chance, but on the other hand I just feel like I'm going to have a lot of resentment with me for a very long time and just don't know if I can handle it. I've asked my W that we need to move out of state, but she won't do it which is also making it more difficult for me to focus on her since she's not meeting my boundaries.

Looking deep down inside me I really love this woman, but I've been so hurt that sometime I think this is a wake up call from God that this is not the woman for me...This is so depressing.

I believe you judge a person by their actions and not by their words. You asked her why she did not go to the OM. My friend it seems the answer is obvious. The OM simply could not provide the lifestyle that you can continue to provide for her. She continued to lie and cheat on you because she enjoyed being a cakewoman. Having a productive husband at home and a lover on the side for some hot sex. When push came to shove she had no intention of losing her lifestyle.

You ask her you need to move out of state and she flatly refuses. My friend, if the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accommodating as you have been. The bottom line is that she had no intention of trading down to be with her lover. I wonder what her response would have been if the OM had been successful and wealthy instead.

Maybe you are asking the wrong question as to why she is staying with you and not going to her poor lover. Maybe you should be asking why you are staying with her? Her actions showed that she has little respect for you and apparenetly distain for your feelings except for when it comes to paying the bills. I wish you luck.

It's been about a year but I am going to divorce her. I found out about the affiar but she denied so I got evidence and I mean a lot. Video, recordings emails. Like you I was stunned. She said she loved him all of the time in email and phone conversation. Had sex in my bed so I have some video since they did that when I had to travel for work every month for a few days. I had to hire a PI also since she just denied everything. She also spent thousands of dollars on her affair.

She told him she would divorce me and she would go after alimony and CS and sell the house so they could have a start together. After knowing all of this I just decided I would hit back hard and not look back.

I showed her the evidence I had. I told her to leave and go be with OM. She moved out but she said they have had NC since she moved out. I don't know if that is true or not. She says now she never loved him. She always loved me.

He makes about 1/5 or 1/4 of what I do. That is why I think my wife wants to work it out. I knew in some ways my wife was using me for my paycheck but until she had a boyfriend I was willing to put up with it.

My POV is I just must not be "Man" enough for her. I couldn't keep her satisfied or happy. She did her best to use and humiliate me. If she would not have slept with him I would not have divorced her. She knew that was the line and she crossed it.

I also want her to be happy. She was never happy with me so I think this is for the best. I just did not want to wake up every day and worry who would hit on my wife and who else would she sleep with. I have a lot less stress since I took this approach.

The sad thing is my wife is constantly asking me to please give her another chance. I just don't want to do it because I realize I cannot make her happy. I told her if she ever screwed another guy our marriage was over. I have always been a man of honor so I decided for both of our sakes that I would follow through with the divorce.



I hear you. One of my good friends died of a heart attack a few years ago at 36. He was a great guy and his wife cheated on him. He once told me that he thought his ex just liked having sex with the OM more than him. As a man "Ouch" that must have hurt.

It just makes you feel like less of a man. In my own state I want her to be with a "real man" now since I just don't feel like much of a man myself anymore. I still look young and women do hit on me now that they know I am going to be single. For me it feels good to be looked at again since my STBXW ground me into dust.

Good luck in whatever you do. I am always amazed at how some people can forgive and move on so easy. For me it was a horrible ordeal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Bryanp and IHE,

From reading all the stories here, it doesn't sound like my W or STBXW is as bad as others although she continued to lie to me even when she saw I had evidence on hand! At one point she admitted that the OM was a very sensual lover and it was the greatest sex she ever had. So now she has these expectations which apparently I can't meet. She was looking for someone who had experience (she's my first and I'm her first, although I'm seriously starting to doubt that -- she wouldn't have looked for something else if she didn't know there could be something better out there). Which probably means that she'll cheat again later on. It's pretty clear that she won't move out of state which makes my decision really easy.. plan D.

I wish you luck Otilleb. If the marriage was that important to her she would have done everything to maintain the marriage and make you feel secure and loved. Her comments about her lover would be very difficult to accept. I concur that her desire for great sex and apprently finding it with this guy would increase the chances of her cheating again. Maybe you are not the greatest lover in the world to her but you may be to someone else. You deserve better.

sorry to post in someone else's thread ;-) but i think this is important...


Do you actually KNOW her "emotional needs", and you know you cant make her happy? Or is the real issue that you dont think she will ever be satisfied/faithful to you?

If there is any doubt in your mind, consider this radical option:

first, make sure that she does actually do the EN questionnare, and that you fully understand it.

Then, see how serious she is about YOU.
If you want to give her another chance at the *relationship*, without always wondering about the money thing, get her to agree to this:

A no-contest divorce with her agreeing that you basically get everything. Then remarry, with a prenuptual agreement that in the event of afuture divorce, you KEEP everything.

I'm no lawyer, but I think the initial divorce is neccssary, because almost any agreement you make while IN marriage, can be subverted, which is why PRE-nuptual agreements are critical. (you should probably consult with a lawer to see if that is really neccessary. but you would need to make sure that anything you came up with, held in all 50 states, just in case yhou move. otherwise, the divorce/prenup/remarry should be the most iron-clad, I would think.

I wouldnt normally suggest this kind of radical thing.. but you have stated that you are "done" with things and will othewise divorce her. As a Christian, I believe that a marriage should be given all possible chances. This action might take your chances from "zero" to "small". the "small" chance being if she would actually accept that.

If she WOULD accept it.. I think it's so freakin radical and harsh, that there's no way she couldnt be sincere.
But then you will truely know once she rejects it, that that is what she was after.

otherwise, you may have doubts in your later life.

I just don't think she will ever be satisfied/faithful to me. This whole process started with her telling me that she had started to have feelings for someone else and that she wanted me to do my part in winning her back. For the next week and a half I put all my effort into talking wih her as much as I could, bought her a lot of gifts, a massage, went away for a weekend together only to have her come back and immediately sleep with the other guy. So I did what she asked me to and it still wasn't good enough. My whole life with her has been about me making changes to satisfy her needs. And after 9 years, apparently it wasn't worth a dime to her.

As I said before, I would love to be with her, I just think that she's too needy a person and there's no way that I can ever satisfy all her needs. Sad...

If I do stay, I definitely want a post-nuptial agreement (not sure if my state offers that) to make sure that she's staying for the right reasons and not to further use me.

Hi IHE,

You made a good point too. I also told her that sleeping with another man would be a deal breaker for me. So I too believe that I have to follow through with my word.

Whoa! hold up there ottileb.. my post was for "IHadEnough", not you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> SOrry I didnt make that clearer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just changed the "subject line", but should have been clearer in the main part of it.


it sounds like you're just surprised, on just how out of it unfaithful spouses get in their affair. Your wife sounds like she's acting like 90% of all the other unfaithful spouses described on this board. Maybe you should read up some more, before making any final judgements.

You might go read the "plan A/plan B" faqs, and stuff like that, before deciding on divorce right away.

It's a tough road.. but by many accounts, it's a possible one. IF you decide that you could care about her again.

That's the thing.. for two months now I don't feel that tingle that I felt when I was with her before. Just knowing what she did... and how planned everything was and how weak she was, it really scares me to have her be he mother of our child and not knowing what else she may be capable of doing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.