Hi, this is my first post but I’ve been lurking on the forums for a couple of months now, and thought it was about time I shared my situation and was hoping for some advice. Any would be very much appreciated.

I’ve been with my wife now for 11 years and married for two of those. For the most part we have been very happy, though we had a brief separation 5 years ago after I stupidly had an affair. But came out of the fog after 4 months apart and pleaded for my now wife to take me back. We have since with a lot of hard work put it behind us.

Just before we got married my wife started a new job that entailed a lot of shift work and working closely with many male colleagues. At first there would be the occasional night out with them, which I didn’t mind as I believed she needed to make some of her own friends as all her family either live abroad or very far away. But over the last six months the nights out had become a lot more frequent. She was constantly texting her friends (but never had time to text me) and as she worked shifts I barely got to see her.

I've never had any reason not to trust my wife, as she as shown me nothing but love and affection all the time I’ve known her (Even through the affair) but with all this time going out I began to suspect something was going very wrong.

I started quizzing her about her nights out, getting very possessive and very emotional, which is not like me as I have never been the jealous type. Now I know was one of my problems as she thought this must have meant I didn’t love her as much as I should.

Obviously all this possessiveness just pushed her further and further away until the point about three months ago she told me she no longer loved me anymore and didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me, but she was willing to stay to see if she could regain her feelings.
This only made me worse and I was crying on a daily basis, and love busting like mad. Craving her attention one day telling her to move out the next. My head was all over the place.

This went on for a month until one night she went out again, said she wouldn’t be out late and would send me a text during the night to let me know how she was. I spent all night looking at my phone waiting for the text to come through, but it never did. I waited till 1am for her to come home until I eventually fell asleep. I woke up the next day to find her in the bed, and immediately asked her what time she got in, she replied 3am. Needless to say I was very upset and angry. I argued with her for about an hour until she finally said she’d had enough, no longer wanted to work on our marriage and wanted me to move out so I could give her some “space” I foolishly agreed, thinking it was the only way I could save our marriage and moved to my parents house the same day.

A couple of days later I discovered this site, and began to realise where I had been going wrong for so long. I had failed in many ways to meet her emotional needs for a very long time, but I also began to suspect an affair even though she had in the past convinced me that there nothing going on.

I started to check email and found a rather friendly one to a male colleague, but nothing that would suggest anything really bad was going on. When I checked the home phone records I discovered a mobile number kept on coming up that I didn’t recognise.

As the days passed that I was not in the house this number came up more and more often, with calls lasting longer and longer, so I decided to confront her about it. After at first denying that she had any knowledge of the calls, further quizzing got her to admit that it was the same male colleague that was on the email, but that they were "just friends", "nothing was going on", and the only reason she lied about it was because she thought I would be jealous (something that in the past she complained I wasn’t)

After spending more time on the forum, I realised that moving out was the worst thing I could have done and after 3 weeks I moved back in. Needless to say she was very unhappy and threatened divorce, said that she was beginning to think we could work on things but with me being so unreasonable that we now stood no chance. Fortunately after reading this site I was well prepared for all of this, and so didn’t react. (Thank you!)

Since then I have been plan A’ing like mad, doing lots of household chores, making time to spend with her, trying to make myself seem more fun and attractive, inviting her out for activities, making her breakfast in bed, and trying to do all the things I now know I have neglected in the past.

In the meantime I've been checking the home calls. These have all stopped, and there have been no emails. But I have no way of checking her mobile calls or texts, and she is still texting all the time, although this could be just to friends and family as she always has.

I have told all our friends that I suspected an EA, but not her parents as I had very little to go on. I do believe they may suspect though.

At first all the things I was doing didn’t seem to be getting through to her, but over the last couple of weeks she has been opening up more and more. We've been to the pub once together, we are now spending a lot more time chatting to each other, and we are generally having more fun together.

3 days ago I decided to go to bed early, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and went upstairs to the spare room where I've been sleeping since I moved back in. About 10mins after, she came upstairs herself and I could hear her quietly crying in her bedroom. I got up to see if she was ok, and she just broke down. We spent three hours chatting, she admitted the EA (text affair in her words), but said it was over as she knew it was wrong and it may be the reason for where she was at the moment (in the past she had put 100% blame on me) she said she had been enjoying our time together, that she felt she as been under a “cloud” (fog) for a very long time, and realised that with me she has everything she wants, that she still didn’t love me as she once did, but really wanted to as it would make life much easier, and she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t get those feelings back. I told her not to put so much pressure on herself and that hopefully her feelings would come back with time. We hugged, kissed and cried for hours. She kept on telling me how I didn’t deserve any of this, and I thought “at last, I’m getting somewhere” I just sat there listeneing and agreeing. After a while it was getting late, we where both very tired and so not to put pressure on her I went back to the spare room to sleep.

The next day it seemed to go back to normal, nothing was mentioned about the conversation we had the night before. On this night we both went to our own separate beds and things were going through my mind as I was lying there. I started to feel very insecure again, so I got up and went into her bedroom and started to hug and kiss her, she was not very appreciative of this and told me to stop. I immediately did and felt awful and foolish for putting pressure on her.

Yesterday I dropped her off at the airport as she's going away for 10 days to see her parents. Before we set off, I made her breakfast in bed, apologised for the night before, and helped her pack. She says she is hoping to use this time to get things clear in her head, although I’m not convinced it will do us any good. (I did not say this to her)

Just before I left her at the airport I tried to give her a kiss on the lips, but she turned her head away so I could only kiss her cheek. I asked her to text me when she arrived so I knew she got there safely and she agreed, but I have so far not received any contact from her, although I have sent her three texts (one of the things she has complained that I never did enough) with one telling her how much I loved and how much I will miss her.

And this is where I am at the moment, wondering whether I should contact her or wait for her to contact me.

I really want to make our marriage work, as I believe we are perfect together, and had it not been for my own stupidity and neglect we would never have been in this situation. She really is the most caring and loving person, and I dread the day that I may never see her again. I love her so much.

I realise I am stupid for waiting to post till now and that is the reason why this is so long, but so far I believe I would not be even close to where I am at the moment if where not for this site. So for that I can’t thank you all enough.

Mintol

M, welcome to MB. Are you sure she went to her parents house? Did you confirm with them? I am sorry for all you are going through. Glad you found this site. Have you read Surviving An Affair? His Needs Her Needs? If not, take this time while she is away to do so.

Welcome to MB.

Check these links out.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#3014240

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Oh BTW for your M to survive your WW will have to quit her job, for NC needs to be established. You need to come to grips with this.

Thanks for replying
Yes I'm 100% sure she as gone to her parents, it has been booked for a long time and I have spoke to them about it.
I have not read those books as of yet but they are on order.


Yes those links have already been very useful.
Fortunately she’s in a job where she could quite easily get transferred, but that's not the major problem as the OM works in different department. Even so, if we ever get to recovery, I would ask for a transfer just to be sure, and I have already explained this to her. At the moment she still insists that she doesn't want to work on the marriage though.
I’m pretty convinced the EA is over, but as I said in my original post she’s been convincing in the past so I can't be 100% sure.
With regards to her not texting, should I leave it until she does, or should I continue to send her the occasional text regardless (this was one of the EN's that I never met in the past) She is a text addict (always has been), but I have always thought of it as an awful way to communicate. Now all I want to do is text her, although she now rarely replies.

Thanks again

Try to get your own life while she is gone and text her about it. Stay light and fun. Don't bring up your relationship, and expect nothing in return.

Thanks Believer! That's what I'll do.
We are both big soccer fans, and as England where playing in the world cup last night I sent her a message telling her I hope that she and her father enjoy the game, and that I was going to go to a local bar with some friends to watch it.
I finally got a reply to this message telling me pretty much the same. So I will continue to send messages along these lines and not expect a reply, but I will be happy if I do.

Another question I have, is that when I moved out my wife started looking for jobs abroad. All over the world and started to apply for anything that was available. She speaks to me all the time about this, and it really hurts because if she went, this would mean the end of our marriage as she would most likely not want me to follow her.
Should I continue to listen to her talking about these jobs and seem interested or should I tell her how much it hurts and why?
About three weeks ago she did mention that if we where ever to work things out, would I be willing to move to Australia with her? I of course said I would follow her to the end of the world if it meant being with her. But now whenever she brings it up she talks about only herself going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks

bump <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, part of plan A is to calmly tell the WS when you are hurt.

This just gets worse!!!
I've just found out about another guy that she's seeing.
The guy is not someone from work so I have no idea on how they met, but they where meant to meet up last Sunday, although she ended up spending the enitire day in the house with me getting ready to go to her parents.
She did mention on the Saturday that she might be meeting up with a female friend on Sunday but I can only assume she was going to meet this guy.
This really has knocked me for six and I'm feeling a mess at the moment & can't stop crying.
I feel like my heart is being torn to pieces!
This is not the woman I have known for over 11 years. She has been nothing but honest and sincere all the time I've known her, but these last 6 months she really as turned into an "Alien"
I just can't believe there might be two OM for me to worry about

Mintol,

Sorry you are here. Re OM#2 - he may be the real affair partner and OM#1 may be a friend of his or visa versa. But it does sound like your wife is in a full fledged affair with someone.

I might advise to pull back a little. If she is definately at her parents, maybe don't text her. You have to realize that she is on the fence right now - should I stay or should I go - and by calling, texting, crying, hugging and kissing, etc., it is going to push her away. She is going to feel cornered and pressured. As hard as it is, you may just want to stop that. You see, even though she said you didn't text her in the past, right now it is unwelcome so it is seen as clinging.

You do not need to accept all responsibility for her affair, she chose this behavior. We all have areas where we can improve upon ourselves, including your WW. Right now what you need to show her is that you are working on yourself.

Hang in there.
S.

Thanks Shattered, this is the kind of advice I need because you see, I have no idea what to do for the best.
One day I just want to leave her alone, and the next I'm thinking I need to show her how much I love her through fear of loosing her.
She is not the only one who has turned into an Alien, because this is just not like me. I always thought I was much stronger than this.
My wife has always had low self esteem even though I constantly told her how beautiful she is, but since getting this job she has been shown a lot of attention from males and I think she now wants to take advantage knowing she has many admirers. She even told me before we seperated that she thought she could do a lot better, then later tried to cover it as a joke. I was not laughing.

Mintol,
Unfortunately, I know exactly where you are coming from. Been there, done that. We all do. It is a natural reaction to a bad situation. I too struggled with backing off and always thought, but what if he doesn't know I'm willing to change, or how much I love him, etc. I can say from experience that it appears whenever I seem to pull back and seem happy and content and a little disinterested in him, he seems to come closer.

Regarding the "I can do better" comment - I bought a book this weekend called "Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married" - something to that effect. One of the things was exactly that - I can do better {WRONG}. In the long run you're just trading one set of problems for another, so you might as well hunker down and do the hard work or you'll continue to make the same mistakes and you will never be happy for long.

Choose one close friend to vent to that can be trusted. Continue to post here, this will be your lifeline. Trust me, no matter what happens, you are going to need one. Take care of yourself.

S.

Thanks Shattered! Your comments really did help.
This is what I'm planning on doing. I'm not going to contact her while she is at her parents unless she contacts me. When I pick her up from the airport this thursday, I plan on confronting her about OM#2 by saying "is there anyone else you have been keeping from other than <insert name here> that you have become close to? If she denies I will give her a little more info, until she responds.
Any opinions/advice?
Thanks

Are you sure the mobile numbers coming in to the house were from OM#1?

I know how your feeling... This whole situation just stinks, and the worst part is the lies the WS gives you. I am finding out they will lie about everything, set-up secret e-mails, i.e hotmail, yahoo and Gmail, my wife has them all. sounds like you know what you need to do.

Check out the do's and dont's of plan A , i carry a copy in my wallet.
Good luck

Yes, foolishly contacted him just before our Anniversary over a month ago when i was at my lowest to ask him what was going on. He of course told me they where just friends and nothing more.
This new guy's number is not on any of the phone records for the last three months.
Cheers!

Mintol,

I’ve been reading your situation this morning and thought that I’d throw some ideas your way. These are coming from a BS that has been working through all of this for a year now.

Firstly, you have to make talking with your W a safe thing for her to do. She has to understand that you will not heap negativity on her head when she does tell you about her mistakes and A oriented subject matter.

Try to put your frame of mind in such a state that you are as detached as possible when she tells you about details or explains her life’s actions. This worked for me pretty good when I was able to do it.

Examine the evidence that you have and keep gathering it until you two reach a point where she has committed to NC to any of her OM’s. Yes, if her source of OM activity is centered around her job then she’s going to have to find a new one period. She can not have NC if she works with the confirmed OM and the suspected OM.

Trust and verify always.

You made your first post with a working understanding of the dynamics of M’d relationships that were way ahead of the average first poster. Keep building on your knowledge base.

Project confidence. This isn’t easy but the clingy desperate thing will make her sick inside. My W blurted out that I seemed “desperate” on a couple of occasions and her exact words were that “it isn’t very attractive”. Of course I didn’t see it at the time but now I think I can understand what she was saying.

Keep with Plan A until you can’t do it anymore. You’ll know when it’s time for plan B if you have to go there.

Start protecting yourself. See a lawyer to assess your situation from a legal perspective and be ready to execute a plan if you have to.

Do NOT fuel her A activities by funding them. Let her know that you support a W that acts like a real W and that you are not going to be paying for dinners out with OM or a cell phone that she uses to talk to him.

This is independent behavior to a degree but one that will put pressure on her A(‘s) and make her cake less tasty.

Mintol, this is the hardest part. You are going to have to work on YOU. You are going to have to get to a place where you know that no matter what happens with your M you are going to be just fine, improved even. I’m a big fan in the belief that projecting that sort of true positive energy goes a long way. Women in particular can smell it.

So far it sounds like you have a pretty good grip on yourself and you are doing the right things. From what our English friends across the sea have told us; it’s tough to find good MC in that country. I’d start looking really hard for some right now.

You have to expose any OM. Find out who this/these OM are and follow through on a complete exposure plan that will bring her actions to bear squarely on her own shoulders.

I wish you the best,
Plank.

Thanks Plank,
Yes I feel I have been following MB principles for the most part, it's just the odd day that I start to panic and get clingy. Straight after I do this I feel awful and know it hasn't done me any good. Thankfully I'm doing this less and less as time goes on.

When she finally admitted the EA with OM#1 last week I did as you suggested. I stayed very calm, listened, and offered advice whenever I felt she was inviting it. I know that night did us a lot of good, but the next day I feel I messed up by being clingy and emotional again. She even told me she feels she can talk and trust me like a friend and sometimes has to remind herself who she is talking to when the things she says can be a bit insensitive (i.e. moving to Australia) so I know I’m doing something right.

With regards to working on myself, I feel I'm doing very well at this. Over the last three months I've been keeping myself very busy. I've got into shape, lost 20 pounds (not through not eating just eating well). I honestly believe I'm in the best shape physically that I ever have been. It’s just a shame I can’t say the same about my mental state. But I do feel I have become a better person since all this began, so at least I can take that from this situation.

Fortunately I have a big circle of close friends, so I'm never short of someone to hang out with. It's just that I want to spend all my time with my wife but I know at the moment that's just not practical.

I've been offered a very good job in Spain (I'm half Spanish) that is open for me at any time should things not work out. I also have a lot of friends and family there so I know I will be able to lead a happy life should things turn out for the worst. But I really do want to work things out and the only thing that has ever kept me here is the love I feel for my wife.

She is adamant she doesn't want to see a MC, but we've both had IC, which was pretty much useless. She gets it free from work and she told me when she confessed about OM#1, that the guy totally ignored the affair as part of the problem, ignored the role her job played in affecting our marriage (she was telling him she felt these may be the cause) and basically just offered her nothing, but just sat there as if he was not interested in anything she had to say. He wouldn't even make eye contact. I had pretty much the same experience, so I think you may be right about the standard of counselling we get here.

With regards to finances and funding the A, my wife earns more than me and we have always kept our earnings for ourselves. Weird I know, but I never felt right taking money that she earned and worked hard for. We have no savings and she has no access to any of my accounts. So all we have is the equity in the house to split, which is quite a lot.
If it ever came to a divorce I could potentially walk away better off but I hope it never comes to that and even if it did I would just take half of the equity and leave her investments alone, as she is the one who has earned and paid for them.

This site has already helped me so much I really can’t thank people enough, and it looks like I’m going to be here for the long haul.

If anybody feels I should be doing anything better, differently,or if there is anything I might be ignoring please let me know. Be as honest and harsh as you like, as I'm not one who is easily offended, and I always prefer to hear the truth.

Thanks!

M

She's sent me a text tonight asking for World cup soccer scores, which I'm happy about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but at the same time I'm so angry with my new discovery that I don't want to text her back.


Edit.. I just texted her the scores but nothing else.

I really have no idea what's going on. The text's she's sending are as if nothing has ever happened and she's acting as if she's my best friend again.
Crikey!! WS's really are on another planet!
I'm going to continue to have no contact with her unless she contacts me.

Thanks all!

Ok, so I've not contacted her since last friday, and yesterday received a text off her telling me about her time at her parents. She told me she had been to the hotel where we had our reception and to a place where we had a meal the day after our wedding, then she asked me if I was ok?
I replied telling her that I was fine, that our pet rabbit missed her, and what I had been up to over the last couple of days. I also asked if she was ok? but I've not received any reply since the original text yesterday.
I know I should not expect anything from her, but this in my opinion is just rude!
For the first time since all this began I'm starting to feel a real anger towards her, and I'm actually dreading her coming back through fear of how I will react.
Could someone enlighten me on why after making contact, she would then decide to ignore my text?