I gathered the courage to call WH's boss yesterday. He said in the 10 years he's been at the company, a spouse has never called him to expose A. He seemed baffled by my call. Unfortunately, he said interoffice relationships aren't against company policy. Now, I'm really confused. My WH was soooo scared that I'd report him and now it seems like this has no impact on his employment.

I emphasized how much I wanted to save this M and how the OW is a co-worker. I told him OW knew WH is married. I told him that it isn't good to have immoral people representing the company. He understood my concerns and didn't question the existence of the ongoing A. WH's boss said he'd talk to WH about this. (I hope so. As I said before, WH's boss loves him.)

I'm just very frustrated because WH was under the impression he'd be fired for this A. Now it seems like he might be getting away with murder! If anything, maybe OW will be fired. I have been pretty upset since my talk with WH's boss. I hope exposing the A to the boss will bring about a good outcome for our M. SIGH...

Relax - you did the exposure. You can't control what happens after that.

The important aspect here is not so much that your H or OW gets fired - they could continue the affair after that anyway. It's more important that the affair's veil of secrecy is being removed. Your H will find out that his boss knows and maybe OW will find out that the boss knows. Their secret will not be so secret anymore. Part of the excitement will be removed.

WAT

R2W,

I expossed my WW's A to her boss last Thursday, When I told her that my WW was having an A, she said, "been there done that", not sure what it meant. i asked her if she could block out web mail sites from the internet, and she said no, one of their employees benefits was internet use during breaks and lunches.

I told her that my WW was using the internet all day long to e-mail friends and OM and also using company phone to contact him. My WW was given a 1 on 1 about internet use about 2 weeks before I called her boss, so i was really worried that my call might get her into trouble, possibly fired.

Her boss told me that she will be monitoring WW computer use from here on out, I later that day told my wife I had done this, she of course was furious and used that as a anger point at which to make me out to be the bad guy. Thats fine, I just kept the mantra that I am doing it to save my marriage and stop the affair.

Good luck, and hang in there.
Mike

Hang in there, I got the same reaction when I first exposed at H's work (he had beaten me to the punch, though). I was told there was nothing they could do about it, they weren't the moral police, why was I "opening up such a can of worms" ... etc.

A couple months later, the OW got fired. She was causing problmes for H, and the company was aware of the problems -- and could prove them -- because of the "big stink" I raised with exposure.

It will help. If nothing else, it exposes their secret, and lets them feel just a little more shame, makes it that much harder for them to sneak around.

ready, don't fret over this. Your exposure will cause conflict in the affair just because the boss KNOWS. I would suggest that you send a formal letter to Human Resources, though. Ask them in the letter "what do you intend on doing about his?" Send a carbon copy to the boss and the CEO. I think that sometimes direct bosses tend to COVER UP FOR and defend their direct reports and that is what might have happened here.

Send the letter certified to the director of HR.

Thanks, WAT, AW, MK and ML. It's comforting to know the reaction I received isn't uncommon. It's too bad. But, yes, at least the A is exposed.

Melody Lane,
What should the formal letter entail? I was going to research the HR contact today. I was thinking about this since yesterday and it's been weighing on my mind.

rtw, I would write a letter giving them a brief, but factual outline. Tell them that this workplace affair threatens your marriage. Mention that workplace affairs always carry with them a risk of sexual harrassment claims which would leave them vulnerable. Then ask them "what do you intend on doing about this?"

They may very well do nothing, but would probably have to interview both of them and put this in their files. That would put pressure on the affair. But be sure and do this via letter to the HR director and CC another key executive in the company so you won't be ignored.

Thanks, Melody Lane, for the advice. I'm going to draft the letter tonight. Since WH's company is global, do I send letter to headquarters or the local office where WH is? Or both?

I sent two letters to the orporate office this morning to the Director of HR and the Exec VP of HR via certified mail. Sigh, now it's the sit and wait part that makes me pull my hair out.

I cried my eyes out this morning. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster ride.