Hi, I'm new to all of this. I caught my husband contacting/meeting another woman about three months ago. We're in counselling, but now are having sex problems. He sometimes has a problem maintaining an erection. The first time he had this problem was two days after he rendezvou'd with her at a book store. He says they never had sex. The problem is getting worse compounded by antidepressants he recently started taking.

Anyone else have this problem?

Ann

Hi Ann,

Men are "affected" by stress. Especially over the age of 40. It could be that thinking of how he has disappointed you is giving him this problem. In addition to the antidepressants.

Give him some time and be the loving wife (but not a doormat) that he is eager to come home to every night.

V.

Hello v,

Thanks for the reassurance. That's the thing I need most right now.

Ann

Annie...

My husband and I both had affairs...my husband's affair ended a year ago...for the first 6 months we had sex occasional...but it was not like we used to...since January - we have not had sex. My husband is struggling with why...he has had no desire...he isn't even masterbating.

I have learned that a sense of failure, stress and disappointment can cause this in men...

Time...patience...and healing for him personally, I have faith our men will overcome these problems.

In my case, we ensure every other need is being met so that we dont loose intimacy...

Thanks Dorry,

We're never sure when it's going to work or not. Very frustrating when it doesn't. He's working on fulfilling my ENs but hasn't completed his ENQ and doesn't seem to want to. We did 5 Love Languages and His Need/Her needs. His primary LL is physical (sex), so it's been hard to fulfill his needs without worrying about ED (My guess is that it would be a LB if he couldn't keep it up). I'm trying not to pressure him. He leaves on Fri for 6 months (away from me and the OW); maybe the separation will help.

seperation is never good from you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What are your plans to keep intimacy (not just sex - but conversational) while he is away? Can you send him sweet emails - do you have plans to try to meet his needs while he is away (be creative <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You can encourage these things without pressure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dorry,

I read your story. I'm amazed at the strength you have within you. Thanks for the guidance.

VRS (aka Annie)

Stength for me was inside me - it all came from God <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But Annie - we are now 19 months post my d-day and a whole year TODAY past his d-day! And things are really doing better and good...we have some big hurdles to climb yet (like his sex drive) but both of us are generally happy - we both did alot of changing...

The biggest thing is make sure you have a plan to stay close to your husband while he is far away - it's essential!

Distance can be your worst enemy!

Dorry,

Would you mind giving me some feedback if I post my story? I need to know what I've done/am doing wrong/right.

Thank you,

Sure. And dont look at it as what you have done wrong k? Just look it as things you can do differently...

My H had been in a very depressed state for about 2months Jan-Mar. He would come home and stare at a wall for an hour. Clipped words (I don't care, it doesn't matter....etc).

In early march came the I don't think we're "in love" anymore, but I still love you. About a week later i found a receipt for a choc. latte from Barnes and Noble for a date and time he was supposed to be playing poker with some co-workers. I asked him if it was his and he crumpled it up, said No and put it in his pocket. Earlier that day (2 days after their meeting) he tried (failed) sex w/me. I couln't sleep that night and looked at the cell phone records the next day. Lo and Behold there were numerous calls to two local numbers i didn't recognize.

I called the numbers; one was for her work and the other her cell phone. I called him while he was on his way home from work and told him I knew about her. He said she was just a friend, but we'd discuss when he got home.

He's admitted to kissing her but no further. He was "incredibly attracted" to her. She told him that she was diagnosed with cancer 5 yrs ago and her H (3rd i believe) hadn't touched her since. My H was so protective of her against her. He said he wanted to work out our marriage and we started MC a few days later. We went right into a honeymoon stage. I took responsibility for turning my back on him during health issues i was having (being tested for cancer as well). He went on antidepressants and he had further ED problems.

She works as an admin girl at his work; he has to pass her desk every time he has to use the bathroom there. She told him that she'd accepted a transfer to a different place (off the site where he works). We're considering moving next year. I did not expose to anyone except his mom (who is very supportive OF ME!) I'm hesitant to expose at work because he could lose his clearance and present/future job aspects.

He hates talking about the whole thing,but is showing remorse through his actions and affirmations. He still insists that it wasn't consumated. Not sure where to go from here or what to believe.

Okay

As long as he passes her desk every day - he is not done. I know there are the occasional cases where working together can be done - but they are so far and few between. He got close to this girl...and hasn't ever really gotten over the fantasy and as he keeps seeing her each day, wont.

Men tend to believe affairs are ONLY when things are consumated...have you read not just friends by shirley glass or visited her website? http://www.shirleyglass.com/

I am glad you are seeing remorse, are you also seeing transparency? Is there any odd actions that make it seem he is still hiding something???

When is she transfering somewhere else?

She'll be gone by the time he gets back.

Ok.

Good.

It's gonna be hard for him to be transparent while he is so far away...easier for him to hide things...

SO - once again, what is your plan to PLan A him while he is so far away - care packages, sexy flirty loving emails? Photos? Phonecalls just because...what things does he like? Find a way to incorporate them long distance!

We're very good at the sexy/flirty e-mails. I can't call there except emergency; he calls me almost daily and will be working 12 hrs/7 days a week. We're both prior military so we're used to this. I'll send care packages as well.

I think he's really feeling punished with the unsuccessful sex thing; he'll probably think twice before screwing things up again.

LOL

Patience...I know how ya feel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am straining my patience...but I think when it happens for him _ I will be jumping from the moon I will be so happy hahaha.

I am having this same problem, and it's killing me. been going on for a couple of years now, ever since I started thinking WW was haveing an A, and now I'm taking AD and it seems even worse. I'm afraid to even try have sex right now as I think it wont work and that would make me feel even worse.

Mike,

My husband's I am not sure if it's impotance, but it is indeed a lack of wanting sex at all. he was fine after my affair...but after his affair...it was there a teeny bit then disappeared...

he is not sure why and he is trying to work through it...and we talk about it, and he is so grateful I am not pressuring him...we meet everyother of eachother's needs...so I can be patient about it...

Do you know what about your wife's A has caused you to suffer this particular problem?

No idea, in fact the more I think about it, the more I think it started before I knew of her affair. I think it has to do with lack of self confidence, for years i would want sex, but she wouldnt, so I'd have to mbate to get any sexual relief. When we did have sex it was only when she wanted to and NEVER if I tried to initiate it, so it hurt everytime I got rejected, and I quit trying, neither of our EN were being met, which I'm sure led to her A.

wow mike

a similar cycle to H and I.

You see my husband was never really affectionate...he tended to climb into bed and all of a sudden want sex...over the years I started to feel like an object and wanted it less and less...my husband told me something was wrong with me, I should get my sex drive checked out...I really thought it was me.

I too rejected my husband all the time...as I saw Q's when I knew he was getting read to pounce me...and i had no desire so I would fend him off before hand...Eventually he gave up to.

I enter the cycle or resentment...and meet OM...he is affectionate and smooth, a real womanizer...all of a sudden I am feeling lust and want again...WOW - maybe it wasn't me after all - maybe it was MY HUSBAND....fuels the cycle of resentment even more...

Affair becomes sexual..and I realize I WORK - I remember that being my first thought when I had sex - I WORK! I WANT SEX!!

After my affair...my husband became almost territorial...we were having sex 2-3 times a day! Playing out fantasies...he was so affectionate and cuddly to - which made me more excited to make love to him...then he fell into his affair...and the few times we had sex it was rough and not loving...

He came back after leaving me, and his affair...we changed...we learned to communicate, talk, meet needs...but in the first 6 months, we managed to have sex only 6 times...I was bothered by it - but didn't feel bad, as the affection and love he gave me all day made me feel so loved...but that affection and love also made me want to MAKE love to him (see the cause and effect??)

After christmas - new years was the last time we made love...I want it all the time, as my husband is so patient, affectionate, loving, he listens, we talk...it makes me WANT him (women's foreplay starts at breakfast and lasts all day ya know)

But he is struggling with some sort of mental road block he can't put a finger on, and is so appreciating my patience...