Well today is my 9th anniversary. Wohoo baby. I just realized if I killed someone I would probably be getting realeased right about now. LOL.

So anyway since the A we have not celebrated our Anniversary because she was with OM during the month of June.

Each year since D Day there have been new facts to deal with at this time of year this year being no different.

I really don't know what to do. I mean really should I be in a joyus mood and want to celebrate a day nine years ago when 3 years ago she was taking OM to dinner (I paid) and then having SF.

I am not dwelling or trying to punish but quite frankly I just can never think about this day as a day I want to celebrate.

I know this is a hard question but if I am wrong please call me out. Hard to believe my anniversary is actually a trigger for me.

I hear ya,

After d-day, I don't feel like celebrating our anniversary much either. Same with Valentine's Day, I went to the store and looked for a card, couldn't find one, felt like everything in those cards was a pile of crap, I didn't have any of those thoughts or feelings that were described in those cards so I bought a box of chocolate and some flowers. No card.

After-all, what's the point, our love, our marriage, our everything had been shared/given to other people, daggers had been driven into our chests and we're supposed to celebrate our wedding/love?? It will be a while before I can do that and mean it.

If the WS/FWS wants us to celebrate our wedding anniversary, then they should every year on every d-day go the extra mile to show us how they feel about us now, pamper us, breakfast in bed, no chores, golf, relax, etc.
(Just a thought)

Post deleted by Hiker45

Hurtingless,

I understand how you feel. I am only a few months out from D-Day, but had a huge struggle with our anniversary last month. I couldn't quite see "celebrating" either.

Februrary was D-Day, March was D-Day two when NC was broken. In April, found a secret hotmail account and the start of an email relationship with a new OW. He agreed to NC on that a few days before our anniversary in May. Not a great couple of months leading up to it.

So I also, did not feel like "celebrating." But I did find some peace with the following thoughts.

I thought of our anniversary more of a day of recognition than celebration this year.

I recognized that no matter what my Husaband has done, our union 9 years ago was based on love, and nothing can change that.

I recognized that I still believe in marriage, commitment, faithfulness, and honesty. All the same things I believed in the day I made my vows. I still believe in marriage, no matter what turn mine has taken.

And I was actually thankful to have an anniversary. Last year a neighbor was divorced by her husband, and never knew why. Until the OW moved in 2 days after she moved out. How much more it would have hurt to never celebrate another anniversary, and not know why. At least the exposure of the affair gave me the chance to seek truth, and make my own choices.

And I celebrated that I have two beautiful children. If having a different fathter would change one thing about them, I would marry him again even knowing what I do now. To me, they are the one perfect thing from our relationship.

So I ended up writing my Husband a simple letter (I don't even know if he read it). And he brought me flowers. That was it.

But I set a goal for myself that next year I want to truly celebrate not only a 10th anniversary, but a recovered marriage. I pray we can get there.

I hope this helps.

Well plan A was a bust for me. LOL
I was accused of acting like I loved her then getting angry and not talking to her while she dropped bombs on me for three years. No radical honesty.

I can't plan B either because of custody as well.

I am doing a 180 right now and the more I think about it the more I think that the problem with my M is mostly her doing. Even pre A.

I am trying to make it through this month so I can have a little distance between all of the triggers and my decesion.

I have asked her to act as though we are seperated. NOW she wants to pull closer. Every time this happens she thinks I have agreed to never talk about any of our past unless it is good. I am not even talking about A discussions.

I am sorry for your situation.

Sad to see one parent trying so hard and the other just walking away.

It is even worse when you can't plan B without spending the money on a lawyer. Need the custody arangement in stone before then and that means a D.

Thats why I haven't plan B'd either.

Post deleted by Hiker45

You do not need both parties to agree on a separation.
You can file and if she does not answer within a specific amount of time then it becomes an uncontested D.
At least in my state. You should check.

Someone cannot blackmail you into staying in an M to get what they want.
I think I told you before that money is not necessarily a community debt. Do not assume it is until you speak with a lawyer.

Where I live if my FWW went out and bought herself a 10k ring and charged it I would not be resposible because she is the only person that benifitted from the ring therefore I should not have to pay.

In other words unless you are entitled to half of the stuff she bought you are not required to pay half of the bills. Especially if the M is in duress at the time of the purchases.

HL,

180 is still working- good!

why don't you have a half anniversary in December? that way June won't be sooooo bad.

Yes the 180 is still working I guess.

I feel better about myself since the 180. Things are becoming more clear now that I am keeping my distance.

She is trying to pull closer but if I allow that to happen then she interprets that as me being willing to sweep it under the rug and never talk about it yet. I need for her to understand this is not a sprint but a marathon. You cannot talk about something once and then think it has been resolved. So now I have to figure this one out.

I just posted this so I could see if I was crazy.

We didn't celebrate our anniversary either on May 22 because d-day was April 10th. On our anniv this year, I gave him a card. We saw each other briefly. That was it. It was really sad to think back upon how excited we used to get to celebrate special occasions but not this time. Why celebrate when WS is in affair? We can celebrate on our recovery date. I am so impatient...

Patience is a virtue.
I am sorry to see that it is still ongoing.
I hope the recovery date comes sooner rather than later.

hurtingless,

Well, seems like your 180 could be working. I suggest you do not recognize the anniversary.

Might seems cruel, but you are in a 180, so stick to it, my man. If your WW want s to acknowlege your anniversary, be gracious and kind, but do not make the first move. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If it means anything to ya, my DD was the day after my 14th anniversary. : And no, it has not been fun, even after all these years of recovery.

However, the good news is: FWS, DH wants to renew vows. This is good. We are moving back to area we were wed at. We think, same judge that married us, and a different day.

Keep on doing your 180, it seems to be bringing positive results. IMVHO, don't recognize the anniversary, just keep up the 180 with no LB's.

God Bless you. You are WORTHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

180 then what? I have asked you this before. Do you know what you want after this?

Are you going to continue to talk about the A or are you erady to put that behind and move forward.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could 180 until she is willing to MC and work through the MB program. Have you read 5 steps to romance WB. Do you think that 180 could cause wife to want to begin MB reading like LB an HNHN? Could be the step that you need to feel that she is trying to work on the marrige and not sweep things under the rug.
This would prove to you that she was committed. Also with the revalation of your MIL not being able to rpovide her what she needed. this may be what you have been waiting for.

Miss M,

Thank you. I did not recognize the anniversary yesterday nor did she.

The 180 is working with her right now and I am going to continue until I decide what I want to do.

I have no choice. I almost feel like I am playing a game but what do you do when you show someone you love them an when something she has done hurts you she says "why do you act like you love me then get like this" this meaning hurt by something she did long ago but just admitted to.

She is trying all of her little ways of working her way back to my "acting". I guess I deserve an oscar or an emmy.

I tried to put my toes in the water last night regarding her mom and moving back to NY. I said to her that you know when you talked about moving back to NY you always assumed your mom was better then she was before. I understand your mom has gotten worse but it has really never been good. This is how your mom acted when we first met. When we talked about moving back you always told me I was critical of your family. What I was really doing is assuming what I already knew. Not making it better or worse just the same. You always assumed everything was better, not the same or worse. I think this has caused a lot of problems. She said you know not everyone in NY is like my mom.

I said I know but you didn't bring everyone in NY up as one of the main reasons. I told her our oldest said he is glad we never moved back. She said "thanks for kicking me when I am down." I appologized and said I am sorry for sharing my feelings with you. I guess I should just listen to how bad you feel. I thought I have been very good about it you know you have talked about this for about 11 hours this week including the hour tonight." I appologized again and went and watched tv. She came out and appologized to me. I don't know what for because she is never specific. Typical blanket appology.

I think she is finally afraid of losing me.

CFC

What next? I really don't know. Before the A I spent three years in turmoil about moving back to NY. My FWW did a lot of damage then too. The A is partly if not mostly due to the fact I did not move back. I know she justified most of what she did because of not moving back to NY.

She has actively lied to me for almost 3 years as you know and that has caused damage as well. I am resentful of the fact that my FWW's justifications for her A she would not let go if even in the face of the truth. I spent time working on problems that did not exist.

Now I am truly trying to decide if I want to expend the necessary effort to recover from the past. I have to be realistic about how much effort I can expect from her. Then decide if it is worth trying.

I did the mental math and we have been married for 9 years together for 12. Seven to eight of those years have not been all that great for me.

I have to decide if she was the perfect wife, which I don't expect" when will I really look at her and love her with all of my heart. If the answer is longer then I really can deal with then I make the decesion to set her free.

She deserves someone that loves her with all of their heart. If I can't do that I will let her go find that person and I will try to do the same.

I deserve it and so does she. I am just in a much better place now. I am no longer doubting my self worth because of the A. I know I did that and it made me want to prove to her I am worth a lot. I don't think I should have had to prove that to her.

You are right this may be what I have been waiting for but maybe she made me wait too long. I haven't decided yet.

My 9th is coming up in July. yay. The memory from this day one year ago is so horrifying that I don't think I can bring myself to celebrate. I am working on recovery, he is on the fence, and I am finally in a place where I can work on me and let the M be whatever it is right now. I didn't 180, but I have released my grip. It's a [email]d@mned[/email] shame, this whole mess. Believe me, I'm no angel, and had been tempted in the past to mire up my M; just chose not to, and realized that 'something' had to be amiss to cause me to look elsewhere for attention. My choice was to stay the course of my M. I realize that I can only account for what's inside me. Right now, anniversary is just another day. I will celebrate, if FWH chooses so, but I will not volunteer to discuss or celebrate it. I will participate, but won't hold it against FWH if he chooses the same action as me.

God this board is great. Sometimes you actually start believing what others tell you and then come to find out I am not the only one to feel this way.

We got an anniversary card from my grandma and I didn't even want to look at it. Got one from my mom too and I did look at it because she was there and I wanted to cry.

None of what was in that card was how I felt. If this is the greatest gift in the world please let me have whats behind door number 2. LOL.

I like your attitude though that you won't hold it against him. My FWW thought it was rediculous that I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary the first year after her A. Said I was crazy.

I think by your response to the card, YOu want out? you just want to know that it is 100% like your mom said.


am I right?

Nope. Not crazy at all. Probably very sane reaction to what the reality is. I can safely say that I was in a fog of my own at the time of the EA, prior to the A that FWH had. I begged him to stay, did all of the wrong things, and suffered dearly. We had dinner, on our anniversary, and didn't really talk. I silently cried, and asked what was happening. He then described his EA, and how he didn't think that this was what he wanted anymore. WHY THE ****** DID WE GO TO DINNER FOR THAT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't think I'm in a place right now to shake this one. I'm doing really well with detachment from the situation, and dealing with my problems with clarity, but this subject is tender at best (for me). I haven't really discussed my feelings with FWH; I want to afford him the opportunity to make his own decision, and support him. Lord knows, he's never been very romantic with sweeping gestures at holiday times and anniversaries, so I expect things to pass without too much ado.

I dunno, I'm not angry, or vendictive, just disappointed. It's the one day of the year that I'm just gonna go with the flow, make no fuss. I guess I'm going against MB principles here, but, at least for this year, I wanna sit this one out. I feel that anniversaries are to celebrate your mate, and the life you've built, more and more, over the years. Our life has been torn asunder, and rebuilding, for now, is all we have. Post war rebuild. I do whistle while I work, but don't celebrate the defeat, yknow...

CFC

No I am not 100% sure. I just found out last month that she took him to dinner and slept with him on our anniversary. This year is especially difficult in light of that information that she thought wasn't important.

I am trying to get through this month now with all of the new details that weren't important before I decide what to do.

I want to put some space and time in between these feelings and my decesions.

I know I am not at all happy with the fact that this is the third anniversary since the A and I now have new triggers that at this point should not be new or fresh but they are.

I told FWW the stuff you told me before the first anniversary has basically stopped hurting as much. But each year you hand me a crap sandwich right before our Anniversary and then want me to be happy I married you at this time.

I agree with not celebrating defeat. I do not feel defeated anymore. I did not chose to stray I am actually the one who chose to stand on higher ground instead of getting down in the mud.

HL, you are definitely at a low right now. Things might seem different in a few weeks, especially if she actually starts to really try to make amends after some more of your 180. I hope she suggests counselling soon.