I have been reading this board for several months after finding out my husband had an EA (possible PA although he won't admit it) with a co-worker. I have finally gotten the nerve to post because I really need help and guidance during this very difficult time, so any comments and advice is greatly appreciated.

Here's my story --

In 2005, my husband and I started really drifting apart. We had moved cross-country, moved into a new house, started very demanding jobs and had a very rambunctious two-year old boy.

In May, he went to Texas with his two brothers (both single)for spring break on some lake. When he came back, it was as if he was a changed man. He wanted to go out partying all of the time, was spending lots of money, going out with the guys, drinking more, worried about his experience, was trying to lose weight, exercise, look good, etc.

I literally thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. He was also getting very short with me and just irritable all the time. In the past, when he would snap at me, he would apologize and in time, I would get over it. Now, the snappishness seemed to increase, and he would never apologize.

Needless to say, I was getting very hurt and didn't want to be around him. I started sleeping with our son and withholding sex. I remember crying myself to sleep all the time.

He also started hanging out more with a co-worker. She had just started at his job in early 2005, so I didn't know much about her. I knew she was single and had a son the same age as ours. I also knew she had been married 3x, and her son was the result of an affair she had with a co-worker in a previous job.

Anyway, WH started talking about her all of the time; he would take calls from her at all hours of the day; they would text-message each other. Early on, I didn't think anything was going on because I trusted my H. Boy was I wrong.

One weekend last summer, he invited his co-workers and spouses on a boat trip. As it turned out, no spouses could attend. I was going to go, but at the last minute, he told me I wasn't invited because, according to his logic, the co-workers (one of whom was the OW) who were going would be uncomfortable having a spouse there since their spouses weren't attending. That seemed like an absurd reason but oh well.

Well, I didn't go, and he went with the OW and another flirtatious girl from his work. At the last minute, another co-worker and his wife (my cousin) decided to go. My cousin called me up, and when I said I wasn't invited, she was very puzzled, but she went anyway.

After that trip, she told me she was very uncomfortable because WH and OW were acting like a couple on the boat, calling each other "babe," flirting, and hugging.

That's when I started to think something was up. Finally, in November 2005, I told my husband we needed counseling because our marriage was getting worse. I felt like he didn't care anymore. So we went to about 5 sessions with a therapist who turned out to be really bad.

New Year's Eve was going to be our 10th anniversary, so I was looking forward to it despite our problems. Three weeks before then, my WH told me OW was having a party on New Year's Eve and asked me if I wanted to go. I just lost it at that point and started crying, telling him, how could you forget our 10th anniversary??? I was so hurt.

He apologized profusely and actually made plans for us to go to the place we got married on our anniversary. We had an okay, but not great time.

One week later, we went to counseling, and he said the most hurtful thing to me. He said that he preferred my son to be taken care of by his daycare than by me. I felt that was a direct attack on me as a mother, and I was deeply hurt. At that point, I was done and told him it was over. We separated.

One week later, after urging from my cousin who thought something was strange with his R with OW, I checked WH's text messages and found two messages from OW saying that she loved him and he was the most beautiful person in the world. I couldn't believe it.

I didn't confront him at first. Instead, I called the managing partner at his law firm (who happens to be my cousin's husband) and asked him if WH was having an affair with OW. He didn't know, but he did tell me that a few months earlier, the firm had done an investigation on the two of them because they had a very high number of text messages between the both of them. They were both individually called into the office and asked if they were having an affair with one another. They denied it.

I then confronted my WH. He did admit that earlier in the year, OW and he kissed when they were at some work conference together, but that was it since he was married. Since then though, he said they have been close friends.

I was devastated. To make matters worse, he was so matter-of-fact when he told me this. It was as if he didn't care what it was doing to me. No remorse, no pain, no apology.

Later, he told me that he thought our marriage was over when this kiss happened, and he felt it was 95% my fault that he got into that situation.

So he moved out in mid-January and didn't want to work on our marriage. I was so devastated and wanted him back so badly. I wrote him two letters apologizing for all I had done and asking him for another chance.

Right before Valentine's Day, he moved back home, but not because of me, but because of my son. My son had been acting up in day-care, so he came to the realization that our separation was really affecting our son.

We did try to work it out during our reconciliation. He said he loved me and wanted to work things out. We went to counseling. However, I always had the nagging feeling (call it women's intuition) that he really wasn't into it. Every week during our MC, I would tell our therapist that I didn't feel he was putting me as the number 1 priority in his life. This OW still worked closely with him. I tried putting boundaries around their relationship such as not being alone with each other, keeping the relationship strictly business, etc.

However, I felt he wasn't very invested in being truthful and being remorseful. I would check his emails and phone messages, and they were still talking 2-3X/day; she was still sending him emails, and there were some other things that I found out.

I tried to ask him to not work on cases with her, but he threatened to me and said if I messed with his work again, he would leave me for sure.

So I was dealing with this. I thought I was doing pretty well until I got pregnant. That's when all he** broke loose. I became extremely emotional and anxious about everything. It seemed that all of our problems were amplified. I kept telling him that it was my hormones raging (which I'm sure all pregnant women can relate to).
We were fighting constantly. I couldn't trust him, and he didn't do anything (I thought) to alleviate my mistrust.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I was having anxiety attacks, and since I was afraid for my unborn baby's health, I requested short-term disability from work and took off for a month. WH was very upset that I was taking my son away from him. Never once did he ask about my well-being.

While I was gone, I called him and tearfully begged him to be there for me. I said I loved him, and I needed him to be understanding; I really needed him during this time to reassure me, to love me to hold me. He textmessaged me back the next day and said all he wanted was to have a happy marriage with me and he loved me.

Five days later, he told me he wasn't sure about us anymore. Three days later on my drive back home on June 5, 2006, he called me and asked me to move out. End of conversation.

I moved out five days later and have only had one real conversation with him. During that conversation, he told me that he got married too young (age 26), and that he wanted to be single.

I ask you this: how can a man with a three-year old and a pregnant wife leave his responsibilities so that he can find his "true happiness?" What kind of man would do that?

To top it all off, I am having a difficult pregnancy. My doctor says in a month, I will most likely have to go on bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy.

It pains me so much to think that he doesn't want to be with me. This should be the happiest time of our lives. We have a new baby growing inside of me. Instead, WH has chosen to follow his bliss.

When we first separated, he told me that he wanted to date around. My WH is a very good-looking man, well-educated, Ivy league grad, 6'3", 230 lbs, well-built, charming, and well-paid. He told me that he would not have a problem finding someone else. I do know that women fall all over him.

Now, I feel that he doesn't want a family; he just wants to have fun. However, I can't give up the dream. Even after all of this, I still want us to be together, for me and for our children.

Right now, I guess I am in a forced Plan B (not my idea). I tried Plan A when we reconciled but that derailed when I got pregnant. I can't bear to talk to or see him, so I have tried not to have any contact with him. I want us to work out, but I have to be realistic.

I am thinking of filing for legal separation so I can get spousal and child support, but I think this will drive him further away.

What should I do? I am a very religious person; he grew up without a religion or faith. That's why I think he does not have moral values and the religious commitment to stay in a marriage. For better or worse right? He thinks there are greener pastures elsewhere.

I want him back, so what do you suggest? Should I continue to not have contact, or should I write him a letter and tell him what I am feeling? If I do the latter, I have a feeling that he will think I am pathetic. I feel he has already detached from me (he says he is numb). He apparently isn't feeling all too sad because when I was gone for a month, he was having the time of his life partying it up and telling people at work that his wife was gone so he could party.

While I haven't talked to him in two weeks, I'm sure he's going out all the time now. Is that what men do to numb their pain?

Meanwhile, I am at home licking my wounds, praying to God to give me strength, trying to be the best mother I can for our son, and trying not to get too stressed for the sake of my unborn child.

I am so very sad, so much in pain that most days I find unbearable. Please help.

Welcome. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to notify his work that they are having an affair, and it is causing huge problems in your marriage and with your pregnancy.

He will be very angry, but the only way you can save your marriage is to expose the affair and separate the infidels.

Although it's unfortunate you are here for this reason, you're in the right place.

First off, all that stuff your husband said/says: wanting to be single, being married too early, the affair being your fault. It's all because of the affair, nothing else. Remember this. A spouse in an affair will change personality and blame everything from their unhappiness to global warming on their spouse. Just ignore it if you can.

His threat that he will leave you if you mess with his work is common, but should be ignored. He's already left you, he's having an affair. He can never, ever see this woman again if you are going to save your marriage.

Exposure is a key to ending an affair. It takes the affair out of the fantasy world and makes reality slap the affair couple across the face. Tell his parent, your parents, and his work about the affair. Don't say you 'think' there is an affair, say you 'know' there is. Give them proof if necessary and ask them (work) what they will do about it.

Will your husband be pissed? Yes, definately. But it will pass with time and you will be in plan A. Read up on plan A here, it involves meeting his needs and being an attractive person for him to be near (as hard as that may be).

Buy the book His Needs, Her Needs and read it. It's written by the same person who setup this website.

Those temporary moments of clarity where your husband realizes that he loves you and wants you: Those are a good sign. It means he does love you, but the addiction of the affair is altering his perception of reality. Affairs are like drugs, the people affected get their brains and emotions scrambled. My wife was the same way. If/when they finally end the affair and return to the marriage, they DO return to the person you once knew, but it takes time.

Good luck.

Thanks for your quick responses.

As for exposing, when I found out about the EA, I told his father and stepmother. Everyone at his work already seemed to know. I was told through the grapevine that after we separated, all of the attorneys went out to lunch and he announced to everyone that we had separated. The OW was sitting beside him looking sad. Of course, everyone knew it was because of her. They were not quiet at work about their affection towards one another. They openly flirted with one another.

I asked his boss (my cousin's husband) what would be the ramifications of his affair with OW. He said nothing. My WH is just about to make partner at his law firm, and he is the highest billing associate in the firm. So his boss told me that WH wouldn't be fired; rather, he would definitely make partner because he performed. He said if the criteria for making partner was whether a man had not cheated on his wife, then there would hardly be any partners. I guess integrity doesn't matter when a cheating spouse brings money to the firm.

Also, he said he couldn't do anything because this is a consensual relationship between peers. Additionally, he didn't want to do anything because the OW is an employment law attorney and her specialty is sexual harassment, so he is deathly afraid of a lawsuit.

So, in other words, I have exposed. All of the attorneys at work know about the affair; his family knows; and my whole family knows.

As for Plan A, how can I do that if we are living apart? We don't talk, so I don't have any opportunity to be nice to him and fulfill his ENs. I feel like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. He just wants to be left alone to sow his wild oats.

I feel that if things don't change in a month, I will have to file for legal separation so I can get the financial support I need to survive on my own.

Thanks.

Dear Hope-
I'm so sorry to hear your story. Hang in there, and think about staying physically healthy for your son and that little baby. It looks pretty grim right now, I'm sure. Give it some time. What is your living arrangement right now? You said you moved out...where to?

Sounds like the OW is a real head case, so not likely to get any remorse from her. It might not be a bad idea to try to derail that promotion your H is getting. Go to the boss man and say this personal ordeal, brought on by the A, is going to have a SERIOUS IMPACT on WH's ability to perform in the upcoming year. With a new baby, a cheating spouse, and the OP in the same firm, this is a recipe for disaster. Maybe if you can get him off the fast track, he'll cool down long enough to think about the devastation he's leaving in his wake.

I'm sure some of the more seasoned residents of this forum will give you good advice, so feel free to ignore my ideas if you think they'll just make more trouble. Only advice you definitely need to take: look out for YOUR health first right now...the M, the A, and everything else can be worked on in time, but only if YOU stay healthy.

Dear Hope,

I feel for your situation. Infidelity is bad enough, let alone being pregant when it occurs.
I do agree that your prime goal now should be your health, unborn child and son.
Derailing his promotion sounds like a good idea. My husband had an emotional internet affair. When I found out, all ****** broke out. I made it very clear to my husband that I would make things very difficult for him. I managed to find out the OW home address and home number and threatened to contact her husband, children and other family. My husband did not know her home address or home phone number. He always contacted her at work. She lives in Europe.
He contacted her and told her I had her personal details. She ended up telling her husband and family and the affair finished not long after DD day.

What is the financial situation with your husband. He cannot just pack up and leave without giving some financial support. As you will be having 2 children, are you not entitled to a significant portion of his income.

You should be going to your husbands work , be seen, that you are pregnant. Out of sight, out of mind. This will put an enormous pressure on the OW from co workers. Do not create a disturbance, just play the innocent pregnant wife who has been abandoned. Remember the OW has done this before and her coworkers know this. Do not go in there ranting and raving. They will then support your husband, saying what a crazy wife he has and how could he have lived with you for the past 10 years.

Does the OW have a mother, father or siblings. Contact them and let them know your situation and desire to keep your family intact.

As regards sexual harassment, could not your husband claim sexual harassment against her. She already has a history of having affairs with coworkers.

Just do what you feel emotionally able to do. Take one day at a time. Is there anyway of cohercing him back home, because of the children and your current health. I do feel that this would a difference.

Hugs to you

Innocence

Thanks imanotherone,

I have been trying to concentrate on my health. My doctor was so worried about me that he put me on one-month short-term disability. I just returned to work yesterday. I am fearful of the health of my unborn child because I am older (37) and I had a previous miscarriage.

When my WH and I separated the first time, one of the worst things for me was thinking that I would not have the opportunity to have another child which I desperately wanted. So, in a way, the reconciliation with my WH was good because I got what I wanted: I got pregnant. Now, if something were to happen to this baby, I would be devastated.

That's why it's so hard for me now because my WH knows the tremendous stress I am under, and he's got to know how that could take a toll on the baby, and yet he doesn't seem to care. His happiness comes first. He told me that there's just no good time to break up. Well, I beg to differ. This is a terrible time knowing that my child's wellbeing depends on me being healthy and stress-free given my age and my other health complications.

As for moving out, we own several furnished rentals, and I moved into one of those. Our financial agreement while separated is that I am responsible for the rental mortgage and the related bills, my car payment and my credit card. He is responsible for all of the bills associated with the marital home. I moved out because I hated our house -- so big and empty. Plus, I would not have been able to afford the mortgage on that with my salary.

And when we separated the first time, I did go to WH's boss and asked whether WH's behavior would affect his promotion. Boss said no and to just drop it. They don't seem to care. He is on track to get promoted. As an aside, his coworkers think WH is arrogant and full of himself. But that's not going to stop him from getting promoted -- at least I don't think.

HopeNCourage

The most important thing right now is your health and the baby's health. Forget about all of the rest. I had my sons at a late age - 36 and 39. I had a miscarriage before my first, and then got pregnant. I was on bedrest throughout the pregnancy with my first. He came out just fine.

I'm sure your husband will figure out that the OW is a loser, but it may take some time. So try to relax, keep posting here, and take care of YOU.

Dear innocence_lost,

That sounds like a good idea to go to his workplace to show people I am pregnant. Unfortunately, at 16 weeks, I'm not showing that much, so I think I'll make more of an impact when my belly is protruding a little bit more.

I'm not sure how I will finesse being at his office though since WH and I are not talking, and I have no reason for being there. Any suggestions?

I did go to a divorce lawyer, and we crunched the numbers. I am entitled to financial support now if I file legal separation. Therefore, I've given myself one month from now to see how this shakes out, and then if my WH doesn't come around, I was going to file for the legal separation, so I can get some money. Right now, I can't afford the place I am living in with just my salary.

He'll be getting a large bonus in August, so I want to make sure I get a part of it. I think that will get him really upset though because he thinks he's entitled to his money, and he loves to spend. So if I take some of his money, he won't be able to live the life-style he wants. Wouldn't that be an LB?

I guess I don't want him to get mad at me and use anything that I do against me in his reasoning not to get back together. However, I feel helpless and powerless if I do nothing. That is why I am taking the no contact approach with him. I can't bear to hear him tell me that he doesn't want to be with me, and I don't want to beg him to come back home to be with me because I am pregnant. That makes me sound so pathetic, and who wants that? He can be with OW who is going to stroke his ego and empathize with him.

Everytime I speak or talk to him, I get stressed and start to cry. Since that is bad for me and the baby, I have stopped that. I will only communicate with him via email.

Finally, you asked about him filing a sexual harassment claim against her. He would never do that because that would affect his promotion.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

-- Hope

Wanted to post to you. My WH left when i was 17 weeks preggers, so I know exactly where you are coming from in a lot of ways. OW is a co-worker also.
My marriage is not one that made it through this system and is going to be saved, however, i have come through okay. (Wanted you to know where my perspective is coming from).

And that is what I wanted to post to you about.
When this first happened, aside from being in denial, I was so overwhelmed at first. But, from day one, I refused to beg.
I advise this first. I advise reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dobson in sync with the rest of the recommended Harley books, because I think being pregnant requires a bit of a more harsher, protective stance.

Second, at this point, you HAVE to think of that baby. So if WH and his antics are causing you too much stress, I would avoid the stress as much as possible. (I was horribel at avoiding it, but was very good at dealing with it). I am 10 years younger than you are, but I was still very worried about the health of the baby the whole time. I remember crying so hard one night and holding my belly because I was so scared. That was when I realized that I had to hold it together.

I know this is tough. My heart is tugging because I remember being EXACTLY where you were--almost a year ago. But i have made it through, and have a healthy five month old baby boy now. And he is pure joy. He was the source of a lot of my strength through this--and still is. That baby in you was planned and purposed to be here. I believe that. You can get through this.

I wish i could think of more to tell you. Maybe you can find comfort in knowing that others have gone through this pregnant and still made it out okay. It's tough, but the strength you're gonna find you have will amaze you.

Hope I can help you some here as so many wonderful people have helped me through this and continue to do so. Post here as much as you can and read here. That has helped me soooo much--more than anything else.

Okay. I see fear in this comment. i had the same fears. But then something clicked--I was not gonna be afraid to do something that made him not want to be with me. That is HIS choice. In the book I recommended, Dobson says that we don't beg our spouses to marry us, just as we should naot beg them to stay.

His reasoning not to get back together--it's ALL gonna be hogwash fog. All of it at this point. While there are areas your marriage will need work pre-A, overall, the A is at the forefront.

I guess what I want to say is stop not actingout of fear. Fear is paralyzing, but you have to do what is best for you, and hope that WH sees the light of day. But as long as this fear drives you, no one can move forward.

I would do this when I had those fears--say I was fearful if I told him how much he really was hurting me, he would never come back--I would reverse those thoughts and ask myself if WH told me how he felt, would I say he could not come back? No. Because I believe in grace and forgiveness and I am not in the fog, acting like a selfish person. What UI am trying to get at here is that you are fearful of the actions of a man this is not acting normal. Doesn't think like the rest of us when he's in this fog.

Another ? I had for you--is this out-of-character for your WH? Was a good H before? good father? arrogant? how did he treat you?

Dear intexas,

I am so sorry you had to go through this same situation. But I am encouraged that you did emerge through it one year later so much stronger. I guess I am in the initial shock stage, so my pain seems so much greater.

I would like to read about your sich. Do you have a thread? Isn't it interesting that your husband and my WH left right after the first trimester just when our mood swings and nausea are lightening up? I really feel that during the first trimester, I was not myself; my emotions/hormones were raging, and I just couldn't control them. My WH thinks that is an excuse.

As for your second post regarding my fear, I understand that I am coming at this from a position of powerlessness and fear. You, my therapist and all of my friends are right: I need to stop being driven by my fears. When we were still together, I was doing the same old thing of complaining and not doing anything. But I finally stood up for myself and, for example, separated our finances because I felt he wasn't being financially responsible. He was livid with me. But you know what? It gave me a sense of empowerment. Unfortunately, I believe that in some way triggered our eventual separation. Perhaps he believed he couldn't control me anymore.

I've been reading a book on narcissism and verbally abusive relationships. WH has characteristics of a narcissist -- self-centered, denial of feelings, lack of empathy. He has also been verbally abusive in our relationship. I knew he would get irritable a lot and snap at me out of the blue, but I had never put a name to it. I internalized it and always thought that if I could change my behavior or explain why I did the things I did, he would come around and understand my point of view. Well, the books told me that a verbal abuser lives in his own reality and no explaining to the abuser will make him understand your reality.

So there is where I am. WH refuses to go to MC. We did go during our separation, but he felt he got beat up too much by the therapist. He also doesn't think he has a problem (typical of narcissists) so refuses to go to IC. He also didn't want to go to family counseling with our son who is having severe behavioral and anger issues.

So to answer your question above about how he treated me pre-A: he was self-centered, preoccupied with having fun, focused on work and not on his family, angry, irritable and arrogant.

In his defense, though, he does have some very good qualities, and that's who I fell in love with and married. I thought I could trust him, and I thought he was committed to us. I married him, in part, because he seemed so safe, and he seemed like someone who would take care of me and stick by him for better or for worse. Boy was I wrong!

At this point, I am working on staying stress-free for the baby's sake. Yesterday was the first day since our separation where I cried no tears. That is a big deal for me because I have felt incapacitated since our separation.

I see you and your WH didn't get back together, I would really like to know how you dealt with the anger, pain, sorrow of being abandoned during your pregnancy. I believe my state of pregnancy really heightens the emotions I am encountering, and it is so overwhelming.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Hope

Your story hits close to home, I was 9 weeks pregnant when my H left. My first pregnancy was the most painful time of my life but I got through it and I can honestly say I am a much better person. Luckily for me, my H came home before DD was born and we are now expecting our second child.

What I did to help me through this time was reach out to family and friends. They were great and provided me more strength then I ever knew was possible. Please do not be afraid to ask people for help. Then I got busy working on me, I took time to look at my life and how I was living and made steps to change what I didn't like. I didn't do this to save my M, I did it to save me. I kept a journal to get my feelings out (and so I didn't take them out on WH!). Also, I made lists each week of what I wanted to accomplish and felt very good as I could cross things off. I made sure I kept busy, even if it was just going for a walk in the evenings or working on a cross stitch for the baby.

I knew the health of the baby was the most important thing, so while I did Plan A, I tried to focus on what was best for me and baby first.

Keep posting and everyone here will help you get through this. Take care.

Hello, HNC, I don't have any experience with your situation but I wanted to let you know that we are all here for you! I can always offer an ear and words of encouragement. I wish you, your son, and your baby the best that life has to offer! I'm truely sorry that you find yourself in this situation but know that whatever happens you WILL be a stronger person for it!

May God bless you with many good days to come! Work on yourself, stay rested, eat healthy, and take care! I'll be checking in on you from time to time!

please make sure to read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by JAMES DOBSON ASAP. This will help you tremendously.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

I am at out of town right now at a work conference and none of my coworkers (except my boss) knows that I am separated. So it's been difficult for me to look like nothing's wrong when people constantly ask me about my H. I thought about telling my coworkers, but I just don't want to get into it. The pain is deep, and I am a very private person.

What I do is go up to my hotel room during breaks, have a cry and read your encouraging words. Please keep bringing them, because I really need them.

kloe72, I read your post. I am so glad you were able to reconcile with your H. During the 6 months of separation, was he seeing the OW? Were you communicating with him? How were you doing Plan A? I have cut off all communication with my WH because it's too painful for me to talk or see him. Is that advisable? Some people have told me don't talk to him because then he'll start to miss me. But I think he thinks "good riddance" that I'm not there because now he can do whatever he wants, buy whatever he wants, and mess around with whomever he wants.

BTW, I did read Love Must Be Tough during the first separation, but I will have to reread it again.

I am trying to work on myself right now. I have friends who check in on me every day, I see an IC once a week, and I am still seeing my MC as well but I may stop that because I don't think he's helping. I tried to look for a divorce support group around but unfortunately since it's summertime, groups won't start until the fall.

I am journaling also, reading a ton of books (I've already spent a small fortune on books. If anyone can recommend any good books, I'm welcome to suggestions), spending quality time with my son, thinking about buying a house that will make me happy, and getting back into my church and religion.

I lost my sense of self during the 10 years of my marriage. Being with a man with narcissistic tendencies has slowly eroded my self-worth. I thought I had the problems. While I did certainly contribute to the breakdown of my marriage, I cannot beat myself up for his hangups. So I am definitely trying to work on myself, see what my bad traits are and try to fix them, so I can become strong and hopefully be happy someday and fulfilled -- with or without a man.

RWLora, I see that you are remarried. How did your divorce and remarriage affect your children. I deduct that your children were approximately 3 and 5 years old when you met your second H. I am concerned that my 3 year old won't take this separation (possible divorce) very well. He is already acting up, and I am in counseling with him.

What really tears me up inside is that I will not be able to put my son to bed every single night. WH wants 50% custody even though I took care of our son 90% of the time during our marriage.

It will get easier for you. Not easier in a way that does not hurt so to say, but you'll be able to label it as "fog" and laugh at some of the absurd things they say. I didn't believe this at first, but I find myself doing this now. I wish I could hit a fast forward button for you and makes this hurt go away, and take you to the point you ARE gonna make it to where you realize you are gonna be okay no matter what.



I have a few, but you can click on my name and see my other posts. Long drama, but I've received the best help here from these kind people.


You didn't do anything to make him leave. He CHOSE to leave. The affair is HIS fault and HIS choice, and I am sure has been the nasty motivator behind his actions. You can take some blame for the condition of your marriage, but not for the affair or the seperation.


My WH was diagnosed by the counselor as being narcissistic. So I've learned about that through all this. One thing I've taken home fromt that and from Mel (a poster here with much wisdom) is that WH could be a good man again, but HE would have to CHOOSE to do the changing and change his self-centeredness himself. No one was gonna do that for him. Narcissism can be seen in most everyone who has an affair--just the selfish nature of it mixed with the fogginess is enough to give anyone that idea--the key is if he was that way BEFORE the A. Who the WH was as a H pre-A is important.



Marriage counseling is useless and long as the affair is active. That's what i have read here, and experienced firsthand. When WH agreed to go, I was sure that was the answer. For him, it was an easier channel to get rid of me. He actually went to the counselor with a 2-page list of my faults. It became divorce counseling, and got us no where.


Same as my WH. He wouldn't even go recently when I asked himto go for the my oldest, who was acting out. If they go, they might have to face what they have caused. They can't. Their version of a coping mechanism.






You're gonna be okay. it's baby steps. Take it one day at a time. Thinking to far ahead will cause too much stress, and you can't do anything about it anyway. I'm glad it was a better day. I remember getting through my first day without tears and feeling so good about it. Eventually, you'll get to your first week, too.


It was a process. And I still deal with some of those emotions now. A lot of how I have viewed this comes form a Chrstian perspective--and knowing that God would always take care of me. I saw this as a battle, and was reminded early on that God says to give our battles to Him. This doesn;t mean He is gonna make it okay for us, but rather that He will carry us through. Big difference, and when I finally figured it out, I let go a lot of the fear I had.

I also relied heavily on frineds. If they offered, I said yes. If you have family nearby, call them for help. I don't have family close, but would have loved that help.

I didn't get angry too much. I think I have more of that now than early on. This may sound weird, but I have always viewed my life as about choices. When something happens to me, I may not have control of what is happening, but I sure the heck have control of how I respond to it. When this happened, I decided to be "together" as I could. Not to stoop low, cause in the end, it would not make me feel better. Ben Franklin talks about this a lot in his autobiography (sorry, English major here, and I read this in HS and have allowed it to shape a lot of my thinking), and it is so true. The quote in my sig line is kind of his theory, too, in layman's terms.

I hope you have been able to enjoy yourself at this conference. Think of it as a break from chaos. Have a little fun if possible. How long will you be away at the conference?

intexas,

I just spent the last hour reading your posts. What a saga. Through it all, I did see your strength and your reliance and faith in God. I, too, have tremendous faith in God and that is the reason I am getting through every day. My mantra over and over is: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I read the letter you sent your WH the the OW. Your words:

"It hurts more I think coming at a time when I am carrying your child--a time when I should be given the most slack and feel the most safe and the most treasured. It is the greatest pain I have ever felt. It is betrayal. It is degrading to my self esteem. But it is forgivable. . ."

made me cry. I too feel the same way. At a time that I need my H the most, he has abandoned me. I am carrying his child, and he has chosen to find happiness elsewhere.

When we first separated, and I found out about his EA (possibly PA), I was willing to forgive and reconcile. Now, however, his leaving me during my time of pregnancy just seems worse and unforgivable. I think I could forgive for his affair but not for this. I feel that a man who leaves his family and his pregnant wife has issues of integrity, and that is not the man I want to be with.

Sure, people here say he is in a fog due to the affair, and he can't think straight. Am I supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt? I don't think I can right now because I am hurting. That's why I have stopped all contact with him.

I really think WH's behavior right now shows his true character. Every night, I pray to the Lord and lift my H up to God. I cannot change him; only he can change himself with the help of the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, my H is not a believer. Ironically, the OW is a born-again Christian who is supposedly a devout Christian.

inTexas, I know you said you never begged your H to come back; yet, you did write him a letter telling him how you felt and that you wanted to work on your marriage. Are you glad you wrote that letter?

My H, when we separated, told me he didn't want this M anymore, so I have conceded to his wishes. Do you think I should write him a letter telling him I love him and am willing to work on this M if he is willing? Wouldn't that sound too needy?

My other option is to do what I am currently doing which is ignoring him. However, I don't want to look back post-divorce and say to myself I didn't do enough to save this marriage. And then I think pride is keeping me from going to him and telling him I want to work on the M. God says to be humble. Should I be humble?

I will continue to pray on this but would like your thoughts (and anyone else's) on this matter.

Thanks!

I've only got a minute so I'll write more later. I just wanted to point this out. This is a great exposure place, do you know where she goes to church? Nothing like the power and might of the church to put pressure on the OW.

Just checking in on you. I wanted to see if you are doing well today. Has the baby started moving around yet, LOL, I mean can you feel it yet!

Have a wonderful day!

{{{{{HNC}}}}}}