I breastfed my DD9 until after 3 and DS5 until 18 mos, which is pretty rare in my part of the country (Florida). Also, I was on anti depressants while I BF (very low dosage of prozac for postpartum) and also while I was pregnant with the DS5. My OB and Pediatrician said they both thought this was the best course of action---this goes back to the "happy mommy=happy baby" prinicple.

Neither child suffered any side effects (affects? [censored] I always get that one wrong!) from my use of low level ADs. There are many drugs that are listed as questionable for the first trimester, but safe in 2nd and 3rd. You are now in your second, so you have a lot more options available to you, in terms of safe medications.

Don't feel you HAVE to take AD's, but do it if you think you should. Word to the wise: DO NOT get your AD script filled at your regular pharmacy, and DO NOT put it on your insurance. Don't want WH to label you as crazy!

Keep us posted, and stay strong and healthy for those babies!

Now I'm soooo confused!

I had a doctor's appointment today for genetic counseling. I didn't know it at the time of the appointment, but I was also to get an ultrasound. So, I found out the sex of the baby. It's going to be a boy!!!

However, my feelings of happiness were overwhelmed with grief because what should have been the happiest day (and time) of my life, is the saddest for me. My H wasn't there to share the joy with me. I was so very sad. I think at that point, I came face to face with reality. My hopes and dreams were dashed. Although I wanted it so much, the reality is that my WH and I are not getting back together.

After the appointment, I called WH up crying to tell him we were going to have a son.

After the emotions of today, I think I need to think things over. I think finding out that WH is now having a PA with OW put me over the top and made me want to retaliate in some way. Hence the moving back into the house, exposing to everyone, confronting WH. But I think if I do that now in the emotional condition I am in, I would be the one ending up being hurt.

I just came back from a Divorce Care support group that is Christian-based, and I came away with an epiphany. The leader said something that just resonated with me. He said:

"I'd rather regret you leaving than regret you staying."

Right now, I am so bogged down in feeling victimized and abandoned. I am so hurt that my WH has abandoned me. I want him back so much so that I can stop feeling the pain. But what if he does come back? I might regret it. If I stop and think about what I am truly getting back, I believe I will realize that I will regret I stayed. I think I have been too focused on trying not to regret him leaving.

Last night and this morning, I asked God to give me a sign as to what to do. I needed guidance. This whole entire day, I had been formulating my plan: exposure, Plan A and Plan B. But as I was doing that, I just didn't feel good about it. I was having misgivings and doubts.

But tonight when I heard the saying above, and when I was in the company of other Christians, and I listened to the topic tonight which was forgiveness, I realized that perhaps this relationship is not worth saving. That I need to forgive and move on.

And you know what? While I still feel pain, I now feel at peace. And I believe that is my answer from God.

So, what I am going to do for the next few days and over the weekend is mull over everyone's comments, continue to pray, and then logically look at the pros and cons of staying in this marriage. Right now, I cannot rely on my feelings because they change on a whim, and they are exaggerated by my pregnancy.

So thank you all for your advice and comments. They have been extremely helpful.

{{{{HNC}}}}

I'll pray for you also! I'll pray for peace in your life, the health of you and your children, and for comfort in your time of need! You deserve the best that life has in store for you!


{{{{HNC}}}}}

Try to get some sleep, tomorrow's a new day and you will be able to think more clearly.

What you are experiencing is normal. It is a form of post traumatic stress syndrome.

On DD day and some time after, I believe I suffered some sort of break down.I am not proud of this and it is totally against Harleys principles of Plan A, but I was verbally abusive for quite some time after. On DD day, when I found the love letters I lashed out and hit him. My husband just took it.I am a very tiny woman and my attempts amounted to nothing. My husband would just restrain me and tell me how sorry he was.

My husband had spent a considerable amount of money on clothes , thousands and thousands of dollars. He wanted to look younger. I went to his wardrobe, took them out, cut them up and then presented them to him in a suitcase and told him to get out. His answer, I deserve this.

My husband did not leave. Normally, I am quite rational and sensible but I had lost it and my husband knew it. He saw first hand the pain he had caused. I believe that really jolted him out of the fog, combined with exposure the same day to my family and our children. I did not want to stay with such a man. My husbands family have always been very difficult. I did not expose to them., They do not know.

My husband is a changed man. We do not have much contact with his family now. This is vastly different to before.

Your emotions are very raw at the moment and will remain like that for quite a while. Being pregnant just makes it all that much more difficult.

I do not advocate what I did. I believe I was lucky because the OW was in another country and they had never met. It was an internet emotional affair.

Your priority at the moment is yourself and your children.

Keep posting and venting

Innocence

Thank you for the support. I woke up crying today and haven't stopped.

This entire last year when we were having problems, my WH kept blaming me for everything. He was mean, went out all the time without me, spent lots of money without consulting me, and all around disrespected me. I was so hurt that I had to emotionally detach from him. He saw that as me not loving him, and he started blaming me for everything.

In fact, when we reconciled the first time, he told me that my actions had contributed 95% to the situation that allowed him to have the affair with the OW. And all through reconciliation he kept blaming me. When he broke up with me the second time, he told me he had done everything he could to save the marriage, but he was done.

So all this time, I've been blaming myself. If only I had done this or that. But now I realize that even if I changed, he would still be the same person.

I am realizing that he is not the person I need to be with. I told him before we broke up that I needed him to be there for me, to put me first in his life, to put his family first in his life. He just couldn't.

A few years ago, his younger brother stayed with us and was causing all sorts of problems. My WH and I would constantly get into fights about this situation because I was mad that his brother was taking advantage of our generosity. During one fight, my WH said to me, "my brother is family, you will never be my family."

That statement to me crystallized what I had been feeling all along. Up until that point, I felt a disconnect with us but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I knew that he never valued me as a committed H would value his W. Oh, I knew he loved me in the way he knew how, but he never gave himself to me. We never had the emotional connection I craved. I don't think he knew how.

So when we reconciled for the first time, and I kept telling him that I needed him to put me as priority in his life, he just couldn't do it. I think he was trying to, but he was deluding himself. He is a true narcissist, only concerned about himself.

The reality is is that he will never change unless he wants to. He doesn't want to be a family man; he doesn't want commitment. I need to come to grips with that.

You're right, I am very depressed right now so I have all of these negative thoughts. Am I being rational right now? Am I trying to justify his actions so I don't feel so bad? I don't know. I do need perspective. I feel like the longer we are apart, the better he will feel about being alone and the stronger he will be. Out of sight, out of mind. I bet he feels a sense of freedom. I get the feeling that he pities me because I can't let go.

I do so very much need support right now because I am going through such a dark time.

What exciting news!!!! A boy. I have 2 sons - never did get a girl until I married and become the step-mom to 5 wonderful daughters.

Your son's will have the same spacing mine did - 3 and a half years. My 2 boys have always been best friends, and still are at 21 and 24.

First off, congratulations on the news of the baby boy. My husband and I share two sons and two daughters in a blended family.

The two little boys will have each other and that is a wonderful thing for them.

We have been following your story together for the last two nights and our hearts have both been captivated by you and your story.

We are both sorry for your situation and we hope that you will decide to move on with your life on your own. It sounds by what you have said, that you will never be happy to be with a man like this. We believe that you and your children deserve a man that is committed to family and committed to marriage. Your husband sadly sounds like a very damaged person.

We both enthusiastically believe in marriage builders as long as BOTH parties believe and work towards this, it will work.

Please continue to post and draw from the strength of this site and the strength you have inside you. You need to mourn the loss of your marriage, not the loss of the man from the marriage as he is not worth your tears any longer.

SunKissedBeach

H&C--
I'm with Believer--2 boys! Awesome. I have three now, and while I wanted a daughter very badly, I am dso excited that they will have each other.

I remember going to the ultrasound myself (since WH had left before that) and I was sooo scared. And when I found out it was a boy, while I was excited to have that news, the "news" of it seemed to pale in comparison to the reality I was living.

And you know what-I kind of regret that now. I regret letting the WH drama take away from the specialness of my unborn baby. Pregnancy is an amazing time, and as hard as this is gonna seem (and trust me, I know--I've walked where you are) do your best to revel in the exciting moments of being pregnant. I didn't as much as I should have. Your WH has no right to overtake the importance of this great news.

So with that in mind, as trivial as this may seem to you in light of recent events, let me ask you some of the things I'd ask you if this drama wasn't foremost in your mind.
Have you thought of boy's names yet?
What will you do the nursey in?

I just want you to, as much as possible, revel and enjoy the miracle going on inside you. You deserve that right.

How are you doing today? Getting enough rest--this is a high-risk pregnancy, right?

Thinking of you today...

Intexas

I agree with the other posters. This should be a time of joy. Do not allow your husband to take that away from you. I know it is easier said than done, especially since your hormones are all over the place in pregancy.

Do what you have to do and then do not dwell on it. You sound very much like me, someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. Do not confront the OW.

I remember I wanted to phone and abuse the ****** out of her. I restrained myself. I thought about it many times, but am glad I didnt. One of the main reasons I didnt contact her was because I didnt want to give her the opportunity of saying hurtful things to me. Things which my husband may or may not have said.

Exercise is a natural way to combat depression. YOu may want to look into exercising for the pregnant woman. It is a good opportunity to join a group and get your mind off things.

My son just had an ankle injury from playing soccer. I didnt know just how serious they can be. He is on crutches. We have had xrays and are scheduled for an MRI. The orthopedic doctor is already talking about an operation. I need to get another opinion.

Life is short. From one moment to the next, anything can happen. Dont waste a moment of it.

Innocence

HNC,

Two sons are great! I have three boys, and they are a joy. I drove out to NJ on business yesterday with my OS & YN, believe me, somedays when the conversations are male oriented, (ie, why are they so obsessed with bodily functions?), I wonder what having girls would be like. When I had my 2nd son I was very happy he was a boy so that they would have each other (17 mo. apart). Now they are very different personalities, but they are still close.

Your WH is a typical WS how blames the BS for everything. You sound a lot like me, sensitive, perhaps too much so sometimes. Try to dis-associate what he says and does from your belief in what you think, feel and do. It sounds like you beat yourself up over whatever he would critize you about and then try to change yourself, or fix yourself. This doesn't work, I truly believe that one person cannot fix a relationshiop themselves.

Try to find peace with that you really tried your best. My WH is self-centered as well, what have you done for me lately is an unspoken mantra. Once you realize the problems in the M are not all your responsibility/cause (You do believe this I hope?), pieces of the M relationship will start to fit together. What I mean is, when you have been tore down and verbally abused, which it sounds like you have, it takes awhile to not only realize this, but to look back and see more clearly what was really going on, your WH was selfish and put you down in order to (a) make himself feel better about the A and (2) a way to control you. I too didn't expose to my WH's family bc my MIL had an affair as well as several of his sisters, so nothing would have been gained by it.

Try to take care of yourself and you sons. Try to do something for yourself today that will make you happy/peaceful.

nabohio

Thank you all for your posts. Your words of encouragement have gotten me through the dark days.

Sorry I've been laying low for a while. I have my 3-year old now, so he's been keeping me occupied.

On Tuesday, June 21, I saw my attorney. He convinced me to go ahead and file for legal separation. On Wednesday, June 22, I paid the $5000 retainer (big step as it is nonrefundable) and received the packet of documents to fill out to get started on the legal separation. It all seemed so surreal.

On Wednesday, June 22, I called WH and told him I wanted to talk to him. I hadn't seen him in two weeks. He is going away for the weekend until next Wednesday, so I wanted to make sure to talk to him before he left. I wanted to confront him about his PA with OW and tell him I was moving back into the house.

So with trepidation, I went to the marital home. He greeted me by giving me a hug. That totally surprised me. We started off with small talk, and then I told him that I was going to move back into the big house because my little house was too small for me, DS and a caretaker if, in fact, I have to go on bedrest. Plus, when I have the baby, it will definitely be too small.

I told him that he was welcome to stay if he wanted, but if not, he could move into the house I was staying at. He didn't seem to like that idea because the driveway won't fit his truck and "beloved" boat (I hate that boat!).

He seemed okay with me moving back in. Today, he said when I asked him about moving back in, he said, we'll just take it as it comes. I don't really know. I'm still sorting stuff out.

Then, I said, I know you're seeing the OW and having sex with her. He denied it. Then, I said, then why is she text messaging you saying she misses sleeping with you?

Before I continue on with this story, let me backtrack and describe what kind of "proof" I had about WH's PA. I thought I had the smoking gun, but WH just made me doubt myself again.

Last Friday, I went to the marital home while he was out. He had his workbag there. I know that he carries condoms in his bag. When I found it the first time a few months ago, I asked why he was carrying condoms around. He told me he put them in there before we went on a trip for our 10th anniversary because he didn't want to get pregnant. He just never took them out. Well, since January, he's had four condoms in there. Last Friday, there were only two left.

Then, I found his cell phone there. Apparently, he had gotten a new phone, so he didn't take his old phone. I checked the phone messages and there were several calls from her to him and vice versa. Yet no cause for alarm as they are co-workers.

But then, I checked his text messages and I saw the following messages from OW to him:

1. Nite Nite Sweetheart TTYL (don't know what that means)
2. Awwww, I miss sleeping w/ you. I mean "sleep."
3. I need a nap. Wanna?

His response, Do I EVER.

Based on that evidence, I deduced they were sleeping together.

Well, when I confronted my WH, he denied everything. He said he wasn't having sex with her; he didn't go over to her house; and she didn't come over to his. When asked about the message about sleeping together, he said they joke around all the time. He also claimed amnesia and couldn't remember when or why they were joking about that.

Is he clueless? He looked me in the eyes and told me point blank he was not having sex with her.

He got mad at me for looking at his text messages and making assumptions about partial conversations/text messages. I feel like I am going crazy here. I know what I saw; yet, he is saying nothing is going on.

I happened to tape the conversation and had my therapist listen to it today. She thought he was cheating on me.

I told my H that I would not even consider cheating on him while we were married -- even though we were separated. Those weren't my values. He told me that he didn't hold those same values. He wasn't going to be on outcast and stay home. So if I didn't want to know what was going on, don't ask questions.

Then he said that he hasn't spent two seconds thinking about me and what I was doing. He hoped I was happy and that he was also concerned about my health.

We've been separated three weeks, and he hasn't even thought of me!!! And here I am obsessing about him every hour of every day. Am I pathetic or what?

I then told him that I didn't think I could forgive him for abandoning me when I needed him the most -- during my pregnancy with his child.

That's when revisionist history came out. He started yelling and saying that he had tried so hard on our marriage. For example, he had made arrangements for me to go with him on a work conference. At the last minute, I backed out because I was upset and I felt I needed to be with our son who was having anger issues. He apparently was upset about that. And during that trip, I told him I was leaving for a month to get away from the stress he was causing me. However, I never said I was going to leave him; I just needed to take a break.

He started yelling at me and saying that I had left him, and that I told him I wanted to separate. On the way back from my self-imposed break, he called me on the phone and told me it was over, and he wanted me to move out. According to his recollection, however, I chose to move out.

Now I'm so confused. He thought that I left him. Not sure if he really thinks that or just trying to manipulate the situation to make himself look and feel better.

That's when we both started crying. I said all I ever wanted was to have a family and to be with him and our DS.

After a long and draining night, he said he had a lot to think about and that he wanted to talk about this later.

This morning, he called me up to tell me to put up the little house for sale because it wouldn't work for either of us. I told him I was going to move into the big house during the long holiday weekend, and he said that was fine.

I asked about us, and he said he didn't know. The last time I asked about us and he said he didn't know, five days later he told me it was over. My anxiety has risen.

I went to see my IC today, and she told me that if I wanted my marriage to work, I had to accept him with his flaws and to lower my expectations. She said, look around at the women in church. Look at their expressions. Do they really look happy? Lots of women are not satisfied and yet stay in marriages. They derive their happiness from other things. Their spouses don't do it for them. That's the stark reality of marriage. It's hard work. She said I was too idealistic; I needed to be more realistic. My H is a fun-loving guy. Just enjoy that aspect of him and get my other needs appropriately met elsewhere.

Is that a copout? Will I regret staying?

I feel like the other shoe is about to drop. He is going to go away for a fun weekend with his single brother to go out drinking, boating and cavorting with other single people. I'm afraid after that experience, he'll come home and say, I'm not happy.

During our conversation, he did say the dreaded, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" fog speak that every WS says.

But I do want to save my marriage, and this is an opportunity to Plan A. It's going to be so hard for me to just drop this thing with OW and concentrate on being nice. I don't trust him; I have my intuition that something untoward happened with him and her.

This afternoon, I called him and point-blank asked him if he had sex with any one. He laughed as if he couldn't believe I was asking him that, and said no. I said I want the truth from you; it's important to me, have you done anything else with anyone? He said no.

I asked have you been tempted? He said I don't know.

Why should I even have to ask these questions? He is my husband! I hate that I don't even trust him.

For those of you who hav recovered successfully, how did you get through these days with your self-worth intact? What self-respecting person would allow themselves to be treated this way?

Being faithful during marriage should be a non-issue. Again, I suppose I'm too idealistic and not rooted in reality.

Why didn't anyone tell me that we aren't in Kansas anymore (Oz analogy if you didn't pick that up)? Am I the only gullible and trusting person in the world?

WH's friend who I just met told me the other day that he told my WH that I was the most ethical person he had ever met. He made it sound like that was a bad thing. What is wrong with being ethical, with having morals, with being sensitive to other's plight and feelings? Where are all the good people in this world?

I'm feeling sad again today. My WH left for the long weekend and won't return until next Tuesday evening. I offered to pick him up at the airport, and he said okay.

Before I left him on Wednesday, we hugged. That was our first contact in 6 weeks. I really miss the touching.

We had one phone conversation before he got on the plane yesterday, and he said he wanted to take it one day at a time. He just didn't know.

Since he's been gone, we've talked 4-5 times. I guess that's a good thing???

Also, when I went to the big house, I went to look if his wedding ring was where he left it three weeks ago. It was gone! Does that mean he is wearing it? I won't know until Tuesday.

The wait is agonizing. I feel like my life is in the balance for the next few days. Will he or won't he want to come home to me. I feel like I can't get my hopes up, because if he chooses to leave again, I will be so devastated.

His stepmother called me yesterday. She is the only sympathetic one in his family. She is a true Christian and knows the pain of loss having lost her son, her husband, and mother-in-law in a two-year span. She told me she was praying for me, my son and my unborn child. She told me that I should definitely move into the big house.

Then, she told me a shocker: she said WH's father cheated all through his marriage. Unfortunately, like father, like son.

I just saw Oprah today, and the topic was infidelity with women is on the rise. NewsWeek has a cover story about this new infidelity. The women who were on Oprah said they didn't feel guilty about their affairs; rather, since they were unhappy and emotionally unfulfilled, they felt justified in going outside of their marriage.

Just like my H saying that he was planning to date while were were separated. Where are our morals and values? Don't others think this is wrong???

I guess I am so disillusioned now with marriage. First, my therapist tells me that most marriages aren't that great; people are dating while separated; women are now having more and more affairs; and apparently lots of people (both men and women) are cheating on their spouses.

Does anyone out there have a good marriage? Or are we just bound for disappointments for the rest of our lives unless we lower our expectations?

Good job!!! Are you moved back into the house yet?

No not yet. I've been dragging my feet. Don't really know. My son keeps saying he wants to live in the big house. Last night, he told his daddy on the phone that mommy and he were going to the big house and daddy was going to stay in the purple house (that's where I am now).

I'm having conflicting emotions.

I just read a letter from H that he wrote before we got married. He was so happy to be with me, he loved me so much, he couldn't wait to start a family with me and experience life together and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Whatever happened to that man?

How does a BS deal with the loneliness?

My WH went out-of-state for the long weekend. All of my friends and family have plans that don't include me. I am on my own with my 3-year old son. I'm sitting here on a Saturday afternoon trying to figure out what I am going to do until after the holidays.

No one's called; I have no one to call. I feel so all alone. I hate it. I want to be part of a couple, to not feel this loneliness anymore.

How do you deal?

I remember well the lonely days. My life was completely my husband and family. I worked, but really had very little time for friends. My WH and I raised 6 kids and helped raise his two step-kids. All of my activities were centered around them.

On D-day, I asked him to leave (hadn't found this place yet). The kids were on their own, and I was completely lost.

You just forget about your WH meeting any of your needs, and you learn to take care of them yourself. Right now, you may not be interested in doing things. But later you will.

You can do some reading, and post and read here. I hope you move back home. Also you may want to start thinking about who will help you if you need to take it easy. Does your son go to any kind of nursery school? That might be good for you and him both.

I also had those lonely days and nights. When my H started his A, I knew about it almost immediately, but hadn't confronted him yet. I spent almost 3 months collecting evidence. I must say that the MB site was a source of sanity for me back then.

My earliest posts have been sanitized, when my FWH started to post here, so that he didn't get to see just how terrible I felt and how angry I was. But this was a wonderful place to vent and talk to others who have been in the same place as you.

You need to get back in that house, girl! Don't give up without a fight, and certainly don't give him the bigger parking spot! We'll be here for you.

Hi Believer and imanotherone,

My son does go to daycare, but he's with me during the summer since I'm at home working. It has been hard for me because I am isolated. I don't really see anyone. Plus, due to complications with my pregnancy, I can't go to the gym, exercise, or do anything strenuous. I will be putting him a swimming class that meets every day for two weeks, so at least that will get me out of the house.

I am going to a DivorceCare support group. It is helpful, but I was hoping to find a friend (female) who I could commiserate with but everyone in the group is so much older than me so I don't feel a connection.

I bought a digital voice activated recorder and am still debating whether to put it in my WH's car. He has denied everything despite the evidence. I want so much to trust him, but I feel like I need to know for sure. I am afraid, however, that I won't be able to take the truth. imanotherone, I suppose I will be spending the next few days, weeks, months perhaps collecting evidence.

I have not moved in the big house yet. Not really sure why I'm dragging my feet. My son every day asks me when we're going to move in. I just feel if I move in, I am allowing myself to hope that this M is going to work, and I will be devastated if it doesn't.

Just have to take it one hour at a time. Seems like time passes soooooo slowly.

To answer an earlier question about my baby:

I had my heart set on a baby girl, so when I got the news that I was going to have a boy, I was in shock. I was so sure I was going to have a girl because this pregnancy was so much harder than my first one which resulted in a boy.

Boys' names??? My son insists on Sitka from the movie "Brother Bear." Not sure about that one. I want a religious name. I like the name Noah and Dashiell (after the writer). DS likes Dashiell because then he can call his brother Dash from the movie, "The Incredibles."

As for the nursery -- I'm taking things one day at a time and haven't even thought about decorating the nursery.

I guess on a positive note, we don't have to buy a lot of baby clothes since we already have a boy.

I just have to remember my blessings.

I had all the evidence I needed without the digital voice activated recorder...but I gotta tell you, I'm so glad I went and did it. While the stuff I heard was painful, it gave me the motivation to do what needed to get done.

I actually never heard him talking to OW (I still refer to her as OG since she was so young). I did hear him talking to friends of ours, making plans to go places, and saying stuff like, "I'll see you this weekend at the bar, and ___OG will probably come, too." I was so furious when I found out he was bringing her around mutual friends, and even folks who had been to our wedding!!!

BTW, as an aside on that subject, I firmly believe that anyone who witnesses a wedding, as a guest of the bride or groom, has a lifetime pact to support that union. This applies to secular and religeous weddings. You are asked to witness the wedding, but really, it's the MARRIAGE you are there to support. If there are any people who attended your wedding who might be supportive of your cause, I urge you to expose to them.