BTW - "no snooping" is insane. Unless you just don't want to know what's going on in your M. Aren't you entitled to know what your H is up to?

HNC, unfortunately the days of blind faith are over. You will NEVER have them back. We are ALL changed in this way. You're not alone.

MDC, you're right. Life will never be the same.

I am going back and forth on whether to "snoop" by using a digital voice activated recorder in WH's car and home office. On the one hand, when I snooped recently and found that text message from him to OW, I got so stressed and upset. Definitely not good for the unborn baby.

I am entitled to know what WH is up to, but at what cost? I'm trying to stay relaxed for the health and well-being of this baby. I read somewhere that by the 20th week of pregnancy I should have already gained 10 lbs. I've actually lost two, and I am having complications, so I don't want or need any more stress in my life.

Call me a coward I guess, but I need to concentrate on having a healthy baby first and foremost.

BTW, is your W still working with her co-worker? I see that a NC letter was recently sent.

If it were me, I would stay in Plan A, and make a nice life for myself. I would also assume he is cheating until he proves otherwise.

I would not snoop - too upsetting. I wouldn't get my hopes up. Men usually come back to their family, and I would realize that, and relax.

It is much more important right now for you to take care of you and baby. Later, you can begin the fireworks.

And that's what I'm doing -- staying in Plan A until the baby is born. Right now, WH is loving, attentive, and nice. Everything I want in a H. Why upset the apple cart?

If he is indeed cheating on me, that is between he and his God and God will deal with him in His own way. I am going to stay on the high road and hold my head up high with my character and integrity intact.

I am definitely a fighter (I'm a lawyer and a Leo after all!), so when and if the time comes after the baby is born, I will either fight for my marriage or divorce and fight for my rights. One of his ENs is having wealth. He likes living the good life. If we divorce, he will definitely lose a lot of money.

Good point HNC - you are in a unique situation with respect to your unborn child. It was exreamly stressful for me when snooping turned up painful results. I know that stress would be passed right on to your baby.

Maybe you could check once a week or every two weeks if you want to know. Otherwise, I would operate under the assumption that the A is still going on. I see resolve in your last post. That's good.

My WW knew that I wanted her to quit. I expected a long protracted battle. Luckily she was fired. While on leave at her mother's for 4 weeks she didn't work the hours she had commited to working - they could tell by how much time she was logged into the company network.

So I got lucky. I have NO DOUBT that the A would still be going on in some limited fashion if WW was still working with OM. Even if she was fully committed, OM is so psycho, HE would have found a way to keep it alive. It would have been H3LL for me to live through.

All the best to you and your family.

Hello Everyone.

I have been absent for a while, but I wanted to keep you posted on what is going on.

For the last month, WH has been extremely attentive and loving towards me. Whenever I bring up OW, he continues to deny anything happened between them. He even told me that he has a brother/sister relationship with her.

However, I have been talking with his twin brother, and the things he has told me do not jive with what my WH has been saying. For one, the brother said that he found out about this "affair" when I found out. Apparently, WH called him and said, "I got caught." What I found were some inappropriate text messages from her to WH. I found an email that said "I love you and everything about you," and "You are so beautiful to me." WH admitted to a kiss a year ago, but said nothing was going on with them both. As for the text messages, he said she said that to him as a friend. Put doubts in my head.

Then, my brother-in-law told me that WH told him he was seeing another woman. Brother didn't think he was in love with her, just that she gave him the affection he wasn't getting from me.

Brother didn't (or wouldn't) tell me the extent of what he knew. So I am still in the dark. Brother also told me that when WH and I reconciled the first time, WH told him that OW was furious because she thought he was going to go with her.

That's not the story I got from WH. He told me that she encouraged him to stay with me. WH is so convincing.

So here I am. I feel like my heart is crushed again. I am almost 6 months pregnant. I can't take anymore stress, but not saying anything, and not knowing the truth is killing me. But if I confront and he tells me the truth, I think that would crush me more.

It's taking every inch of willpower in me to not go down to him and tell him that I hate him, and I hate him for lying to me. And that him telling me he loves me to his face while lying is just downright despicable.

People on this site have told me not to operate out of fear. Right now, I cannot set boundaries. What I want is her out of our life forever. But that would mean my WH would have to quit his job. I don't think he is willing to do that, and I am not willing to give him that ultimatum right now, because if he takes that route (staying with his job) -- that leaves me in a bad place -- 6 months pregnant, no husband, no money and no where to go.

But I don't know if I can stay in Plan A. It is so incredibly hurtful knowing that he is actively deceiving me. Maybe in his own mind he thinks it's over, and he wants to work on our relationship, but what about my feelings?

I am in Plan A, but in my pregnant condition, I don't know what to do. Please help.

If I were you, I would write him a letter, telling him how you feel. I don't think I would get into a big discussion right now. You can tell him that it would be too upsetting. You are getting closer to your due date, and then you can let it all fly. But for now, you must take care of yourself and baby.

By the way, have you read Just Learnings post? It is a good one.

I hope you will stick around and post your feelings. You know we understand and know how hard this stuff is.

I feel so helpless. I love my husband so much, yet he continually hurts me. I'm tired of laying in bed and crying myself to sleep only to wake up crying. I hide this from WH because he doesn't want to see me upset.

For the past three weeks, everything was perfect to him -- but that's because I didn't tell him how I truly felt. I basically kept quiet -- but my soul was dying inside.

If any of you out there have taken the Myers-Briggs test, you'll understand when I say that I am an INFP. What that means is that I am an idealist and my purpose in life is to find my self, to seek understanding. Relationships are an integral part of my life. I need, no crave emotional fulfillment in relationships and in everything I do.

My therapist today told me that my husband is a narcissist who will never understand me. She sees me as a person yearning to be understood. Which means -- if I stay with my husband, I will be resigned to a life unfulfillment.

What a desolate and lonely place to be.

WH had a cell phone that had a photo of a woman in a bikini. It was taken from her neck down (so you couldn't see her face) down her body -- boobs right in the camera. I did some snooping last week and found that photo in context with other photos. It turns out that that photo is a photo of OW. What a slap in the face.

This weekend, I had a lot of LB'ing all over the place. I confronted WH about the photo and asked him why if he and OW were just friends, why would she send a photo like that to him? And then why would he continue to keep it in his phone.

He didn't think it was a big deal. Had forgotten it was on his phone. I said it was disrespectful to me, his wife. He said it would only be disrespectful if I told him to take it off his phone and he didn't. BS, I say. It's disrespectful to have suggestive photos of other women when a man is married. He likened it to having naked photos of, say, models. Well, that's still not good, but that is far different than having a near naked photo of someone he knows.

Is he clueless? My therapist says due to his narcissistic tendencies, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.

Just thinking about this right now is making me cry. Not really because he had this photo, but because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.

If he knows it would hurt me, why would he continue to do it?

My other friend and pastor says that if I want this marriage to work, I need to be the better person and work to get over my feelings of anger and hurt. But if WH continues to keep this attitude, I will continually be hurt in the future. At what point do I say no more?

I was feeling okay after I talked with my WH. I was settling down after these horrible triggers (the suggestive photo, his brother-in-law confirming WH's EA). WH was tellng me he was committed to me and loved me.

But then not 10 hours after he professed his commitment to me, I found out (did some snooping on his computer) that he had registered for a porn site. Now, he has never hidden his porn from me. In his favorites he's got about 30 sites. However, what was different with this was that it brought up photos of women in the area that he could potentially chat with and meet.

Since his registration was so new, I didn't see any activity. However, in his profile, he had checked the box to receive private messages. My heart sank when I found this out.

How could a man to my face say such sweet stuff and then behind my back cut me to the core?

I don't know what's the truth anymore. I've lost my way. I feel like I am just floating -- numbness maybe? How much more of this can I take?

6 months down, 3 more to go. Maybe after my baby is born I can address this. But for now, I feel so helpless.

Let go, let God. I cannot change this man. He is the way he is. I need to decide whether I can be with a man who I cannot trust, who continues to work with OW, who will not leave his job, and who may be engaged in interactive chat with women.

I think it looks pretty clear. I just need time to get stronger so that I can leave him. I deserve more in life than a man who continues to do this to me his wife. I truly believe he loves me and his family, but he wants things in life that I cannot and will not tolerate.

I would have deleted the bikini picture, taken one of my belly, and put in its place. But I'm kinda naughty. What you did was fine.

You can't stop him from sending messages to his local singles, either, but if you have the chance and someone is writing to him, send them a little note from his profile, "Hi, this is WH's pregnant wife. How nice it is for the chance to get to know you..."

Of course, if you are able, wait till the baby is born to go into Plan B, but if it hurts too much you will need to protect yourself sooner, if there is any way to do it. Just start mulling it over, what it would take to get you into Plan B.

Neak...when I found my h's AFF profile, I changed it to indicate that he was a cheating lyer ****** husband. The replies I got shocked me. One called me a fat cow??? She said I must be a ******, and that's why my husband cheats on me. One called me pitiful. HUH???

It sounds like his success has made him even more big headed than he was before. My heart breaks for you reading what you have gone thru during a time when you shouldn't have to deal with so much stress. I can't believe the nerve of that man saying you can't breastfeed!!!!! Like your H has any say, he is showing thru his actions he is less than concerned with the health of the baby. Someone has to stand up for your baby, and it looks as though it will have to be you. I BF my DS until he was 8 months and he has hardly gotten sick at all. It is soooooo much better for them if you can do it.

You are right, you deserve better than this. I don't have a crystal ball and I can't tell you if your H will come around, but you have been smart in examining if he would be worth waiting on. And the OW in your case, what a train wreck! The very fact she's okay with carrying on with your H while you are pg says something about her character. Not to mention her prior A's and her OC. He sure picked a winner, but then again, look at what they are doing. I guess they are just birds of a feather, eh?

Do your very best to take care of you and your baby and your DS. That is most important right now. ((((HNC))))))

Hello all,

I thought I would pop in and give you an update.

Since my last post, WH has been home and "trying" to work on our marriage. I have to give him credit for that. However, I've been laying low and not showing him my feelings. I am so hurt and scared about talking to him that I just don't. It's easier for me that way. That doesn't mean that I don't think about what he did every single day.

I am sad, depressed, angry, resentful. But I look at my son, and he is doing so much better now that we are back together. Is it worth it? I entertain thoughts of revenge, of leaving -- yet I stay. At least with staying, my life is somewhat stable rather than the crisis mode it was in a few months ago when I was all alone.

I hate feeling the way I feel yet I do NOT want to rock the boat. This baby is going to be born soon. Actually he may be coming sooner than I would want to.

A few days ago, WH and I got into an argument because I was feeling overwhelmed with my responsibilities. I told H that I needed him to take on more childcare responsibilities in the next month because I was stressed with having a full-time job, starting a full-time doctorate program, planning and coordinating our DS's birthday party at the end of the month, renovating our house, and managing our rentals (we had 5 turnovers in one month, so I am busy with that). To top it off, I am 31 weeks pregnant.

He basically said no, he would watch DS 50% of the time, nothing more, nothing less.

Two days later, from the stress, I ended up in the hospital. I was having contractions, and I didn't even know it. The nurse said that if I hadn't come in this early, I might have gone into pre-term labor which would have been a bad thing.

Sometimes I think life is just not fair. Here I am trying to keep this family together, making sure everything is taken care of, but I am just not taken care of. I think at 32 weeks pregnant, with a high-risk pregnancy, my H would be more nurturing and concerned about my well-being.

Well, he's not. He's out golfing with his buddies and probably won't be home unti 10 pm tonight.

Speaking of golfing, we did have one huge blow-up fight since my last post in August. He went golfing again with his buddies a few Fridays ago (these buddies go every Friday). I was upset because I was under a lot of stress and busy with work. I was mad at him because he didn't tell me about this until the last minute (the day before). Plus, it inconvenienced me because since he had to make Tee-time, he couldn't DS to school or pick him up (his usual duties). I, of course, had to pick up the slack for him, but I needed to go to work so it really inconvenienced me. I just thought, how inconsiderate can he be?

In any event, he didn't call me all afternoon or evening. He didn't get home until almost midnight. I was getting so paranoid thinking that he had left me, and he was with OW -- just crazy thoughts because of my insecurity -- thanks to his selfish EA. The next day, I just blew it, and couldn't stop crying. He was remorseful and said he was wrong not to get into contact with me. While that made me feel a little better, it set me back big time.

I really should stop complaining and be grateful for what I have. He is home with me. Most of the time, he spends time with me and DS.

Then why do I feel empty?

I know that we should not rely on another human being to make us happy. We choose our destiny. I could choose to be okay with my WH still working closely with OW (definitely still a LB for me). I hate that he still works with her, but he has told me in no uncertain terms that he will not quit.

How do I wrap my arms around that? I am just barely holding on until the baby is born.

Last night, we were watching Grey's Anatomy. He turned to me and said, does it bother you watching McDreamy's affair with Meredith? I said, yes it does. Does it bother you? He said no. So, I said, how does it make you feel?

He said, Sh*t happens.

Interesting. He did not take ownership of what he did; rather, it just happened. As if he had no say in the matter. No remorse.

When will WH come out of his fog?

And if he does come out of his fog, am I strong enough to stay? Do I want to stay knowing that I could be lonely for the rest of my marriage? Do I stay for my child and my unborn baby even though my heart aches? Do I stay for stability, companionship, financial security, commitment or do I leave to find meaning, passion, emotional connectedness, and self-worth?

I do love him -- but there is a fine line between love and hate.

h&C--
wow. Aside from it being great to hear form (as I have thought about you from time to time), I think you're still pretty much on a crappy sitch.

I don't think what you're in is recovery by any means.

Recovery involves repentance. Talking. POJA. The WH working alongside the BS.

That is not at all what I see.

So many things stuck out to me in your post.


Um...Crazy? crazy? You have EVERY right to question, worry these things. He has done nothing but come home. That could have been done by my WH. But he had no real plan for recovery.

Are you allowing this treatment until the baby is born? What do you want from all this?

Did you ever read the Love Must Be Tough book I suggested?

I just don;t see this getting better for you if he is gonna not work with you, not own up to his actions, etc.

That puts you in a horrid place, I know. My heart breaks for you. But you've gotta take some control here. Set some boundaries. You can do this, H&C. You deserve some boundaries--need them--for your health right now. I don;'t know how you're functioning with him carrying on like that.

What are the boundaries you have?

(((((((((((((H&C))))))))))))))))))

I know this is tough for you, but you can do this.

inTexas,

I am in waiting mode until the baby is born. Right now, it's too painful for me to set any boundaries that I could enforce because I NEED the stability right now. I can't undergo anymore stress.

I know it's a crappy situation. That's why I feel the way I do every single day. However terrible this sitch though, it's better than the alternative.

WH is affectionate and loving. We don't have long involved talks because I just don't want to get into it. I don't want to feel the pain. In time, I have time to deal with that.

He has volunteered on his own some helpful info. Out of the blue, he did tell me that when we were separated, he listened to James Blount's album over and over again (apparently there are songs on there about breaking up), and he would cry. He did miss me when we were apart.

Then, his coworker is going through a divorce and is not doing well, so WH tells me that he is so glad we are back together again.

I think in his mind he thinks everything is okay. It's as if what happened last year happened, and now we're on track again. Of course we're not -- but again, I have to stay calm for this baby -- that is my foremost concern.

Through it all, God has been my refuge. In Him I have found strength, hope and courage.

(((H&C)))

I dont really have much advice for you, but I can understand how you feel. My WH wouldn't take any responsibility for his failed EA (which cost him his ministry position) and when I couldn't just make my hurt go away, he left. He would say in MC (which he quit) that he was willing to "do whatever it takes" to repair our marriage, but he was just saying whatever he thought would avoid conflict.

He couldn't even say he wanted to be there for me when I had surgery for breast cancer. He showed up at the hospital the day after, only because DD-20 begged him to.

Don't feel like you should be grateful that your WH came back. He isn't really "home". His actions speak louder than his words. My WH seemed to morphed into a selfish 16-year-old. Yours sounds like that too. He doesn't want to help with anything but wants to play with his buddies.

I agree with intexas. You do need some boundries. To quote another Texan (Dr.Phil) "The only person you can control is you."

As far as the many burdens you are carrying with the job, house, rentals, doctorate, etc. maybe some of it can wait.
That baby and your health are the most important things to focus on right now.

I was starting a PhD program when all this stuff happened with my M. I wrote to my advisor to ask for a delay in the program for me, and he was more than understanding.

Maybe you should just leave the rentals to your WH. Or hire someone to help. Just an idea-I don't know anything about rentals.

Don't stress over the renovations. They never get done on time anyway.

You will make it H&C.
A verse that helped me this week was Ps 31:15. "My times are in your hands."

Take care of you, DS and that baby.

You will be in my prayers.

johnstwin,

Thank you for your prayers. That means a lot to me. It sounds like you are going through your own trauma as well. I feel for you during this time -- with your separation and cancer, you must be so stressed.

You will certainly be in my prayers tonight.

Both you and intexas mention boundaries. What am I supposed to do? I don't want him to see OW at work. Yet, he is not going to quit his job. I thought about asking him to stop working so closely with her (they are the only two who do the same kind of work which puts them in close contact with one another), but what are my consequences? If he doesn't comply, I don't want to leave. Not right now. I'm not strong enough to be on my own. Right now, I need him more than he needs me. Sounds pathetic, but it's true.

What choices do I really have at this point? I'm just holding on until the baby is born.

So instead of talking with my H, I come here to vent. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. They really help me. I wish you both the best and know that you are in my thoughts as well.

Thank you for the Bible verse. God is right -- in His time. I just have to trust the Lord that He will find a way for me through this horrible time.

Take care and God bless.

H&C--

I'm sorry if I was stressing the boundary thing too much for you. I just know that you have the control here, even if you don't think so, as long as you take it.

Just take care of yourself and please do feel free to vent here.

Maybe we can help you with the boundaries you will need to set after the baby is born? Newborns are sometimes harder than pregnancy, so I just want to make sure you'll have some kind of plan in place.

Also, are you still sleeping with him? I know that sounds sooo personal, but if he is having an A, then that could put the baby at risk if he gives you something. Just something to be aware of.

Have you talked to your OB about all of this? I am sure she would recommend the abstinence as well. And she might just be a source of support.

Wish there was more I could say or do while you play this waiting game--just make sure that you know what is in place after the "game" is up--you don't deserve this trauma.

Intexas

I ma going to bed for the night. I'm on this weekend at work, so I need to get some Z's. Please take careof yourself and let me know if I can help in anyway. I remember what is was like goign through this preggers, though I was alone (well, had my two boys) already.

We are here for you.

Intexas

Yes, boundaries would be helpful now and in the future. But I will table that for now. I can't be stressed or else I will go into premature labor.

As for WH's EA or PA, I know that there is nothing physical going on with he and OW. However, I will ask my OB/GYN about getting tested.

Right now, I'm dealing with not knowing if WH has been fully honest with me (don't think so) and getting over the hurt and anger of his A. Am struggling mightily but getting through each day -- just like all the brave souls who post here.

Take care.

The only boundaries I can think of for you right now are the ones you need to stay healthy.

Don't pick up the slack of all the responsibilities just because he won't. Your boundary for that needs to be the limits of your energy, both physical and emotional. Do you have family, friends or church family who you can ask for help? Just having my church family bring meals a few times a week has been a huge help right now for me.

Also, trust your gut. Don't beat yourself up for what your instinct tells you is "off". All along, when I could tell my WH had developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to his "other person" (won't call her an OW as she exposed him to his boss-our senior pastor-when he wrote her a love letter) he made me think I was crazy.

Take care.