Today I'm really struggling emotionally and have been for a while now. My wife officially filed last week after a 4 month separation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I did all I could as far as admitting my mistakes (made her feel alone) and tried to reconcile. But she never gave an inch. Anyway...

I continue to really go through the emotions, pain, emptiness, etc. But then I hear that my wife had a good weekend away and seems to be doing fine with it all. I know it makes sense that would hurt more since I'm the dumpee so to speak.

But I guess it just hurts me in a way to know she is happy and free. I know there is a good possibility she is getting involved with an ex-bf from high school as well. I'm not 100% sure on this.

Anyway, my wife and I have parted on good terms. In fact, she still says she loves and cares for me greatly.

In your honest opinion, can some people divorce and have it not really affect them? Seems like my wife was affected more during our separation, but now that the papers are filed...she is more relieved.

I've read that sometimes when the spouse that left a marriage because they felt alone like my wife did, they sense a feeling of relief. But then after some time, a whole different type of loneliness sets in.

Right now, my wife is always doing something...working, golfing, doing stuff on the weekends...and it almost ALWAYS involves alcohol for fun.

I guess in the long run I will be better off because of me dealing with my suffering and learning about myself. My wife is the type to run and ignore problems (she admits this was her mistake in our marriage).

I guess God has a greater plan for me...maybe an even better person and life ahead. At least I like to think that. If I can put my focus on HIS plan, not MY plan...maybe things will fall into place.

Thanks for listening to me...I guess, bottom line is, I'm jealous of my soon to be ex-wife because I have to suffer and she isn't. I know that sounds horrible, but I'm just being honest.

Paul D

"I guess God has a greater plan for me...maybe an even better person and life ahead. At least I like to think that. If I can put my focus on HIS plan, not MY plan...maybe things will fall into place."

I know exactly how you feel!! I just got back from a much needed walk. I was cooling down...my WS and I are in mediation...I post here too if you want to check out my situation. He asked me tonight if I would still respect him if he ended up with OW. COME ON!!!

Sorry, I digress.

Your qoute hits me, when I'm down I sound exactly like you, almost like I'm trying to convince myself of the words I'm saying...I have to believe God does have a plan for you and me, and our spouses or x-spouses that will be greater...You would enjoy the book Spiritual Divorce. It talks exactly about putting focus not on your desires, but on God's...a giving in and letting go that actually brings in to you more opportunities for love in all its facets. I believe there will be brighter more wholesome, loving days ahead for you.

" Thanks for listening to me...I guess, bottom line is, I'm jealous of my soon to be ex-wife because I have to suffer and she isn't. I know that sounds horrible, but I'm just being honest."

I too felt that way just tonight for a little while...why does my WS have to almost be tap dancing out the door to OW. I think his suffering is yet to come...I like to believe his A is an illusion...just how can you treat me like that and walk away truly happy...I'm disgusted with him.

Honest is good. I also think when I go to sleep tonight and I'm praying...I will get in touch again with the truth, and it will probably make me cry and make me happy, that I don't want pain for any of us...however my pain has given me wisdom...and it has given it to you too. I love and give more to everybeing in my life. I'm more aware of what I have been given. Experiences like this can enrich us if we choose to keep up the good work. You keep saying those things to yourself enough...and they will eventually be you. You're doing fine I think...Your right where your supposed to be.

Take Care of you...be very nice to yourself...It won't always be like this...it WILL get better.

Strongest

Paul,

I just wanted to extend my deepest sympathies regarding your current struggle and pain. I can't help but feel extremely sorry that you are going through this and that it is so painful.

I feel truly awful that we were unsuccessful in making a difference in your M.

Maybe it is God's will that you two go your separate ways. And maybe you will be a much stronger person because of this experience. Hopefully this experience is pushing you to overcome the very issues that contributed to the demise of your M.

I'd love to see you grow from this. I'd love to see you standing firmly on your own two feet.

Anyway I wanted you to know just because our efforts to save your M didn't work doesn't mean it's the end of our R. We're all here to lend an ear and an imaginary shoulder should you need it.

Hopefully we can help you maintain some strength. You take care.

Thank you MyAlias, you have been extremely gracious to me and I can never thank you enough. I checked my wife's email yesterday and I found an email that was sent to her ex-bf's parents.

The email told them something like..."I just wanted to say thank you for such a great weekend. It was great to be with your family and you made me feel so comfortable. (Her ex name) and I had such a great time! I look forward to meeting again!

This pretty much confirmed even further my wife is at least having an EA. What hurts so bad is that she won't even admit to it or doesn't even see it as that way.

You would think she would be respectful to me and at least wait until the divorce is final.

I've got SO much anger and hurt inside from this and I don't like it. I don't even know how I'm still going to be kind around her. I can't tell her that I know, because then she would know I checked her email.

I guess I just need to let it go and let God handle the rest. I'm sure her jumping into this relationship without even really recovering from our marriage can't last too long.

Life is so hard right now...

i feel the same way.

Paul....yes, the first thing you need to do is give it all to God. Your wife seems to be happy and she may be. The papers are filed...and it looks like divorce is going to happen. What are you doing for yourself? Where are you going with your life? These are things that you need to ask yourself. There is pain felt on both sides.

I could give you my past which there is no reason to....but let me give you this little part....I have been divorced for 4 years....and I am moving on with my life. I am now golfing....which I wanted to do years ago. I am very active in my church....I am back in school (fulltime student) on the Deans list....and I have found the Lord so strong in my heart. He has watched over me and guided me through the trials of the affair and the divorce. My brother and I have found a new relationship....which wasn't there while I was married....for he was not fond of my ex.

Look positively in this beautiful world. You too will move ahead....and maybe God will provide you with a mate for life...if that is what God wants. Don't be angry at the world...smile and look at the beautiful scenery painted for you. I wake up to a clean slate everyday. That has helped me move on.

Blessings....LoveinHim

Hi Paul,

I'm new, but I wanted to say that I know how you feel, although my husband is having an internet affair, it's all email. Today she did snail mail him some music cd's to our house...story to that. But it still hurts me...with the little contact they have. I made the mistake of blurting out that I read all of their emails 8 weeks ago and since then his computer is completely locked up with passwords. I should have never said anything, BUT it was so hard not to, but now I'm just guessing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Can someone help me out with the abbreviations on this board. Take care Paul.
PS I think her happiness is going to be shortlived.

PaulD,

I'm sorry to hear this is happening. Although I am not divorced yet, I know how this feels. My WW treats me like she was never even married to me and acts very confident and happy with her decisions whenever I see her.

We've been separated for almost two months and she has already built herself a new life complete with OM and a new apartment. Anymore, we only talk about finances and divorce filings. It still kills me everytime we talk, my emotions run wild and I imagine her out doing things this summer with OM instead of me. She is happy to be out on her own again.

But the good news is it sounds like you have put your faith in God in this matter. He is the only one who will truly heal you through this. I've been handing my M over to God in hope my WW will realize her violation, but at this point I just need to work on myself and learn and grow as much as I can. There is a future. There is a tomorrow.

Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."

And like others here have told me, when we learn from our mistakes we are better because of it, many of the WS's will not learn these lessons, but will continue to run from R to R and will eventually hit a dead end.

The best way is to put our faith in Christ. If my faith is in myself then I already know how I find ways to screw up my circumstances when I try to go it alone. I realized, through the pain of my own failed marriage, how much I need God in my life.

We all reap what we sow in life. When we come to a point of weakness and suffering it's usually because we realize our faults, become humbled and want to correct them. When others like my WW simply run away in ignorant bliss, their problems not only follow them but get larger. Sort of like a dark cloud that eventually turns into a storm.

Stay strong my man

I too am in a similar situation and can relate to your feelings. And I agree with the previous posters about looking forward - not looking back. Especially if you have done all you could its important to let go and not to worry about her/him but think about and take care of yourself - all to often we give up too much of our lives for the ones we love and that have left or are about to leave. This leaves us empty and helpless.
But this feeling shall pass - and I firmly believe we will come out of that situation as better humans - wiser and stronger.

so take care of yourself and stay strong & positive,
hugs, minnie_mouse

I can relate Paul. My WW will not only be free to persue her fantasies, I will be funding all her activities since I will be paying her child support and spousal maintenance that will be 50% more than her 34k/yr salary and THAT is what gets me. She choose to have an A and abandon our family but it is ME that must pay. In more ways than one....

As a divorcee, Im here to tell ya that it does get better. Day by day the pain goes away a little. Do something to occupy your time......Me?.....I started going to the gym and lifting weights.....great stress reliever and you also get your self esteem built back up. I started going to the gym right after my divorce and have continued to go 2-4 times a week for the last 5yrs. Find yourself a hobby, stay occupied, take care of yourself, get your self esteem back and you will definately be OK. I guarantee it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PaulD

I’m so sorry for what you’re going throught. I think the desire that your spouse will mourn your marriage as much as you is very natural. I’m afraid I’m not entirely familiar with your story. Do you mind if I ask you two questions?

1. You say you made your wife feel alone. The way you say it, I gather that in looking back on your marriage, you agree that you did this, and it’s not just the rewriting of history by a fog-bound WS. If that’s the case, can you say why you made her feel alone? Were you perfectly happy with things the way they were and obvlivious to her feelings? Or were you also unhappy/unfulfilled/whatever, but not able or willing to make any changes to address the problem? I ask this because I think the answer shed light on what you’ll need to do to feel better now.

2. Now that you are separated, what are you doing for yourself? Are you doing anything you enjoy? It sounds like the things your wife is currently doing are fun for her but wouldn’t necessarily be fun for you. So what would be fun for you? If you’re not doing anything you enjoy, why is that?

Best wishes to you.

PaulD, sounds rough. it strange, its so common the person leaving seems to be so happy, making things seem worse.

a couple suggestions of playing golf, or the gym is excellent for lonliness..and a positive thing to do anytime.

or maybe its a different hobby, fishing, music, woodwork for you?

these all sound like "tools" to take your mind off things.
I sit and stew at times. An article on Brooding opened my eyes to this bad habit. We actually can make the problems bigger by concentrating on them.

the two positive posts about the gym and golfing is good advice in my opinion...something I should do myself!

Our divorce will be final next month and our house is now on the market. We have exchanged a few emails recently that just baffle me. She has said things like...

"I will miss you more than you know"
"I will always love and care for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

When I mentioned in an email that "I miss talking with you."...she responded...

"I don't want to stop talking with you. In fact, I don't want to ever stop talking with you."

In regards to our house, which we have put a lot of work into recently to get it on the market, she has said..."It makes me sad to know someone will enjoy the place now and it looks so good. Why didn't we do more things with it? Actually, why didn't we do more of other things as well?--In reference to "us" I believe.

It makes no sense. I know her words in her email are sincere and that she still has a love and respect for me...but yet, doesn't want to continue the marriage.

Of course, after reading her emails and confronting her about a month ago, I found she was AT LEAST involved in a EA with an old HS boyfriend. She said that had nothing to do with why she wanted out of the marriage. Who knows?

I'm so tired of it and I have been depressed. I do have chronic anxiety and this whole situation has made it worse. So I'm dealing with a lot right now.

At least I can say I tried my very best to reconcile. I was kind, generous, understanding, gave hers space and was willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Instead, she just ran.

Now I have to start all over and heal this broken heart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Maybe disregarding all communications with her would help you move on quicker?

Her communication is like continually re-openning the wound, over and over and over for you....

for her its like purging and dumping it out, to make herself feel better is my guess.

I left you, but I miss you,., boohooohoooo, I had to go...but i'll always love you....but we can't live together...my new man is home, I better get off the internet.

sorry a cold shot, but thats how I read it. I hear it often the same over-dramtic type emails AFTER they've moved on.

like your title...you want to MOVE ON.
Maybe its time you dump her?

Once we get the house sold and split up our things, then I will most likely be able to move on a bit easier. Right now, the house still binds us together...but that is it. Once that is gone, it is over.

I'm not saying I don't love my wife still and care for her immensley, but you are right...I need to really cut things off.

I know she says she wants to continue to talk and be friends, but I'm going to really limit that. I don't think she will necessarily call me to chat. If anything, she will send me some emails asking how I'm doing. That is going to be tough. Here is why...

I can either be distant and severe the connection. Or, I can remain good friends with her. I've heard of people doing this and then they get back together.

But the thing is, emotionally right now I think it is best to cut it off. I'm not saying down the road I can't communicate with her more, but right now is not good. A LOT of healing must take place.

Hi Paul,

Just thought I'd pop in and offer my .02 cents worth.

I think you are probably correct. From an emotional standpoint I think you are going to need to severe the R. As long as you two continue to converse you are always going to be looking at her as your W and a woman you still love dearly. Each communication is going to continue to open old, hurtful wounds.

Give yourself some space. Give yourself some time to get used to being without her and over her (if that's possible). Anyways, get yourself stronger and put yourself in a position where she doesn't have so much influence on your emotional state.

Good to hear from you. How are you doing? How are your anxieties during all of this? You still continuing on with your counseling?

MyAlias,

It has been a rough time for me. I've been back in my hometown for the last couple of weeks. Our home is now on the market and we are waiting for it to sell. My anxiety and depression have been bothersome to say the least. Right now I don't think my confidence about life, about myself, etc. has ever been so low. My self-esteem just feels shot.

I decided to get a 6-month lease back in the town where my wife and I live. I've debated about staying there or coming back to my hometown of 6000 people. I'm still not sure if going back to where my wife and I lived is the best choice. Right now, anywhere doesn't feel safe or secure really.

Our divorce will be final on Aug. 14th I believe and I miss my wife so much. We haven't talked in weeks, only exchanged a few emails.

Here is why I'm so sad...I went to the town where we lived right after college with nothing except a couple of friends. I got a good job, met my beautiful wife, got married, bought a neat house, and I eventually worked hard enough to work at home full-time. I had achieved so much.

Now it is all gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It is so hard to start over..esp. in the same town where it took me years to create the life that I did.

In a few of the last emails I got from my wife, in response to me saying "I miss talking to you"...she replied, "I don't want to stop talking with you. In fact, I never want to stop talking to you, etc." In another email she said how much she will miss me. I JUST DON'T GET IT! Why would she say such things yet still want divorce? I guess if she is still involved with this other guy than it would make sense.

I just hope I can get my confidence and self-esteem back. My anxiety gets so bad even going out in public is getting tough. I haven't seen my therapist in a while, but will be soon. I'm still not wanting to take any meds.

Anyway, that is where I'm at. It isn't pretty right now. All I can do is pray to God for peace and strength.

Hey Paul,

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. Wish things were different.

I don't know what to say about your W. I suppose she doesn't want to feel bad for leaving you and maybe she hopes staying in touch, as friends, will ease her pain of feeling she needs to leave you. I don't know. I certainly suspect it has something to do with her and this other fellow.

I wish I could give you some encouraging words. Something to lift your spirits and self-esteem. Please try to remember that your W isn't a barometer for your character. Her leaving you has more to do with her than it does with you. Try to look at your positive qualities. Don't get caught looking at the negatives which will only pound in down further.

Silly as it sounds I know a little how this feels. I've got my own insecurities even though I'm pretty sure I needn't worry. Just last night my W offered mercy sex when I asked if she was in the mood. She wasn't in the mood and so I politely said "No thanks.". It makes me feel horrible that she doesn't want me in that way. At least not very often. At times I let it bother my self-esteem. Couple that with having a crappy nightmare of a dream at 4am where my W supposedly cheated on me and today I feel a little insecure. I've been questioning myself a lot today. Knowing I'm a bit overweight, losing my hair, getting older, etc. really isn't helping.

Still I'm trying to dig myself out. Trying to look at the positives. Knowing there are a few things I can control. Like my behavior. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to lose weight. I can get back on my workout routine (I build muscle easily). I make good money and provide well for my family.

Hopefully you can find it within yourself to do the same. Remember she doesn't define you. You do.

I think it might be important to get with your Doc real soon. I know you don't want to take meds but discuss this with him. It may prove helpful to take them temporarily until you are somewhat over the pain of this situation. Please share with your doctor how you are feeling, OK?

You take care. Keep in touch.

Man....the things your wife says are exactly whats my now EX said...we just divorced friday 7/21 and as she returned here to our home after the hearing to get a few things said..."I love you, but just want you to be happy," and then hugged and kissed me saying..."I'd marry you over again someday"...wow I worked for 2 1/2 years to save this and she even mentioned on that day...getting together to go for a Harley ride. She said ideally she liked to be divorced but see me...like date.

I wonder if as her being the one that had the affair if she just thibks she could start over again someday with a clean slate?

I think for myself...right now I need and want to not see her as I want to burn the bridge to the past.

Good luck...we are in the same boat.